i will

Well two days off actually. Not that work has been terribly strenuous the last couple days with my four hour shifts, but it's nice to know I don't have to be somewhere by 5. I've got a lot to do on Stories. And I foolishly signed up to co-Admin a Hunger Games RP on proboards. If it was InvisionFree or IPBFree I'd probably already have a layout made, but for proboards I have to figure out the coding all over again. Blah. But I do love the Hunger Games, and an RP could be cool. (Was I drunk when I agreed to this, though? Really?)

Here's my To Do list for the day:

* er, laundry, at some point. No really.
* nano banner for Kat (forgot!)
* layout for Hunger Games RP (rawr) (sort of)
* reply to princess round robin (& start new one?)
* look into january of the month possibilities
* Demitri's story (Perspectives challenge)
* Genre tournament - Lincoln assassination / Booth death!
* choose a weekly portfolio - Blitzen :3

Not in that order, since I'll probably be choosing a weekly portfolio first.

I emailed my dad. He said he has an eBook reader so he didn't bring the books I got him, though he downloaded them to it to read when he's done with what he's reading currently. I've been thinking about getting an eBook reader too, so Danny and I just researched them, and I think I'll be going with the Nook. The only real advantage I've seen for the Kindle over the Nook is slightly faster page turning, but that's cool. The Nook has a ton of better features that outweigh that. I'm going to ask that people get me money toward it for my birthday instead of gifts. Although that's 5 months away. Wow. Maybe I'll buy it early and ask for after-the-fact money :/ Or Barnes and Noble gift cards for books. Or something. Probably not though. I can't afford a $260 gadget right now.

I got a private message or whatever from fungiblefun asking me to friend him/her/it because he has been lurking around my journal and enjoys reading about the struggles of other writers because it gives him 'hope'. Now, if I remember correctly (and I'm not positive I do, but the username sounds very familiar in this way), this is the guy who messaged me when I first started at Hooters and wanted to pay me to keep a journal everyday about the life of a Hooters Girl. Freaking weirdo. I messaged him back pretty rudely and I'm hoping now he'll leave me alone.

My dad also added me as a friend, but I ignored it, and he hasn't said anything about it yet.

Weirdos on the internet. Bah.

Well I made $147 last night and got cut early because I sold $90.65 in merch. And I managed this despite the fact that the kitchen was short two cooks, Juraj looked like he was about to go out of his mind with stress, and the simplest orders of food were taking at least thirty minutes. My tables were very understanding and tipped me well despite this. And Danny and his parents came in, which helped a ton with everything, especially the stress.

But that'll have to be it for now because I overslept and I still need to work on my French project.

Grades were supposed to be posted today -- I checked last night and they were up. I made a 3.28, which is a little close for comfort in my opinion. Danny was trying to convince me that B+s are 3.5s, which would have been nice, but unfortunately they might as well not put a plus or minus for all the good they do. I think I'll do better next semester, though, since I have an idea of how everything works now.

I need to go to the gym. I haven't been since it closed... which is over a week, almost two. I plan to go tomorrow, before, during, or after my probable visit with Alicia -- dunno which yet.

I got my partner number at Starbucks today, and it's the same one I had last time, which is nice. Unfortunately my partner card won't work accept as an ordinary Starbucks card because the card number is deactivated when you leave the company, not just the partner number. I called to ask about it today, and in four months or so I should get my new one. It doesn't really matter; the partner number keyed in works just the same.

I'm replaying Kingdom Hearts. I'm going to play some more as soon as I finish this, just until Danny gets home in half an hour or so. I'm only to Traverse Town; the bad guy there kicked my ass until I get sick of trying. I need to level up some more. I didn't spend enough time wandering the city. I sure as hell spent enough time on the Islands, though. It only took three fights for me to beat Riku, and then I kept fighting him until it was 3 to 2. You get another little item for that, it turns out. Fighting all three of the others is harder, but I did that too.

Um. My dad emailed me from Korea. It was a nice email. I told him a little about what's been going on, and my grades.

My new years was great. It was just Danny, Dennis, Justin, me, Heather, and Alli, and we hung out and played Rock Band and then drinking Apples to Apples. I love that game, and I have a much longer attention span for it than anyone else.

Right, so I better go if I want to have time to play.

I got graduation tickets today. Each senior gets fifteen, which to me is plenty, but there are still seniors walking around going, "Do you need all your tickets? Can I have them?" It annoys me very seriously. I need six at most, maybe only four. I gave two to Mae because as a tenth grader she doesn't get tickets of her own. The rest... I'll sell x] Muhahahaha.

( Anyway, my weekend. )

Danny's parents got his necklace engraved for me. I sneakied open the wrapping paper (his mom wrapped it for me) and peeked at it, and it's very nice. 'All my love' wouldn't fit, so they just put 'my love', which... isn't quite the same, but it came out very nice. I really hope he loves it. Then today I got him a toy Corvette. It's a joke present. He said if I buy him a Corvette he'll marry me, and I said not happening... and he said I'm not clever enough, I should have gotten a toy Corvette. Muhaha.

I designed an envelope for his card, and it came out very nicely. I put it all in a girly eastery gift bag, along with the stuff for the scrapbook we're gonna put together.

Soon. A week from Friday. That's like... a week and two days, more or less. Ahhh I can't wait. And school's almost over. We're taking finals. Not that they're actually difficult or in any way final-like.

Not... much... longer... now...

And then there's my dad. I have a lot of problems with him, but there are things that don't bother me that do bother Danny, and talking to him about it makes me feel guilty about it. At the same time, I feel I need to talk to him. Bah. There's a lot of stuff. But neither of us likes talking about it. ._. I've been thinking about it a lot since yesterday, and it really frustrates me. I want to explain it but I do feel... almost ashamed.

We got back today from visiting Guilford... and I am so fucking stressed out. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

( I'm going to be honest. )

So I'm scared. Terrified. And I have two weeks to figure this out.

edit Communcations concentration does not equal journalism... I looked. I also looked up Maryland versus Guilford crime statistics, and yes, Maryland crime is higher... but it's also 40,000 students versus 2,500 students. Lol, that's a huge difference. I'd be amazed if the crime rate wasn't vastly different. Anyway, proportionally, it's not so bad at Maryland. Some things are probably worse, but others are proportionally the same, maybe even not as bad. I've been told Maryland's crime rates are horrible, but looking at them actually made me feel a little better. Eh.

Alright, so, quite a bit has happened in the -- what, week? -- I haven't updated. Here's hoping I get it all out without rambling too much. Meh.

Sooo. I got my actual acceptance letter to Maryland the Saturday after I got the email. I was accepted to the University Honors program, too. No news on merit-based scholarships, but I checked the website today and it says acceptance letters come by March 1st and notification of merit-based scholarships starts coming in early March all the way through early April. So I guess we'll see. Since I got into University Honors, I know I at least stand a chance at being one of the candidates for the Banneker-Key Award... it'd be great to get that one, because the person chosen for the full Banneker-Key Award gets a full ride, books, room and board, everything. But we'll see. Any candidates for the award who get invited to the luncheon for it in spring are supposed to get some money, but only the overall winner gets the full ride.

We spent last weekend together, as usual... nothing especially spectacular happened, we just had our usual great time. All the way through Monday, which I had off for president's day or whatever. I went back to school Tuesday. I was supposed to tell Mrs. Washington, the senior administrator, about getting accepted to College Park, but I didn't. Why do I need it announced? I just told one or two of my friends. Chris, one of maybe three white boys at the school (and certainly the coolest of them), got in too and is already wearing a Terps jacket to school everyday. (For anyone who doesn't know, the UM mascot is a turtle and kids going to Maryland are called Terps.) Ashtony, the other white girl who got higher than a 1200 (on the 1600 scale) on the SAT and who's in line to be either valedictorian or salutatorian, also got in. And this other kid I don't really know -- I just remember him being on the Visit Maryland trip with a bunch of us. But we're the only four I know of so far at my school.

Tuesday we had what was my only Mock Trial practice before our first prosecution match... and Wednesday at the match we were steamrolled over by Bowie. I was a witness, but when we got to the actual match I was dying to be a lawyer so I could do something, anything, when the Bowie kids made objections we should have fought and didn't... and things like that. We lost horribly. I don't really mind since I don't want to win enough that we go on to the next level, but at the same time I'm a perfectionist and I hate getting stomped like that when I know there were things we could have done better. So from now on I'm a lawyer. They wanted me to be a lawyer all along, but I wasn't prepared to deal with objections, because I didn't know anything about them. But I read up on them in the Mock Trial guidebook we have, and I think I'll be okay.

One thing I learned from Bowie is to object loudly and often. If the other team doesn't know what it's doing, even objections that shouldn't make it through can. We play defense next, so we'll see how that works out. I hope I don't get up there and then suck as a lawyer despite all these feelings that I know what to do and blah blah blah.

( Danny's birthday and following events )

edit cont'd Soooo. Mom woke me up this morning (at like 11:30) with my acceptance letter from Guilford College in North Carolina. She'd opened it already and told me I got a $48,000 scholarship with a chance to try for $10,000 more, and although I was happy, I also went "Oh, shit," in my head because I have no money from Maryland (at least so far) and my parents are gonna pressure me to go to the school that offers me the most money. I'd really rather go to Maryland. Danny's a big part of it now, but it's more than that. I know the area here already, I know kids who're going to go to Maryland too, I know what I can major in there (no fucking clue what to major in at Guilford), and I fell in love with their Writer's House program when I went on Visit Maryland Day. Especially that last one. I mean, I'm not gonna lie and say Danny plays no part in it, but... I've been leaning toward Maryland ever since Visit Maryland Day. So whatever.

Danny keeps assuring me I'm a smart girl, I'll get enough money so I can afford to go to Maryland, and if I have to I can take out a student loan -- I'm a smart girl, he knows I'll make enough once I graduate to pay it off. It's sweet and supportive. Especially when I admit he's part of me preferring Maryland and he says he doesn't want it to be like that, but he does think Maryland would be better for me, because college is more than just learning -- and Maryland is a great school for learning -- it's also about the experience, and Greensboro is small.

This is the most honest way I can put it. If not for Danny, I wouldn't not want to go to Guilford, I just wouldn't prefer it. But with Danny, I don't really want to go there. It's a difference, but either way I prefer Maryland.

Blah. Anyway, I called my grandmother today because I felt like talking to her. I told her all about the college thing and skiing and junk. She kept saying how it sounds like Danny and I are getting really serious and even mentioning wedding-type stuff. It's weird to talk about. It's only been three and a half months. I mean, I can't see why we wouldn't last -- I love him so much, it's only gotten better, I can tell he feels the same -- but anything can happen and I know that. Especially when time to start college rolls around -- that's a lot of changes. But I'm not too worried, about college itself or about us. So whatever. Still, I always feel hesitant trying to think into the future. I mean, we practically live together on weekends, but I feel weird even thinking about actually living together. Maybe just because it's a long way off, for several reasons, not least of which being that we both live with our parents. It might happen, it might not. No point thinking about it, I guess.

I'm so tired. I guess that's it. I'm setting my alarm to get up and call Danny in the morning. I told him I'd do it. Haha. -evil grin- Not that early, though. Sooo, good night.

I reread Ella Enchanted today after I finished And Eternity, the last in Piers Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series, and had nothing else to read. Although I suppose technically I could have read the book we're supposed to be reading in English, but I was still groggy from sleeping all through third period, so it didn't even occur to me.

Yeah. I think I need to go to bed at ten again. I've been really sleepy the last few days, but today was horrible. I slept in first period after we finished our work, and then again in third period, ignoring the temporary teacher we have. In third period, I passed the fuck out. It wasn't like normal classroom sleep, it was like the whole world was gone. Haha. It wasn't all that long when I checked my watch, but it felt like an eternity, which is really backwards for normal sleep... but I guess it's because it felt like night, in bed, sleep, and even though that feels quick, in your mind you know you were asleep for hours.

Aze emailed me about reviving The Afterglow and starting another project -- really just a bigger, badder, rolled-up version of stuff we've done before -- and I really want another project. I haven't been on the internet much at all lately, and my inspiration's run low. I haven't written in so long. Not real writing. It's really depressing, but I think I feed off of having a beta reader, or someone who genuinely enjoys what I write and will read through it for me and tell me what they think, offer advice and improvements. That's why Elemental Force progressed so well for a long time -- I had Lisa. That's why Heart of a Werewolf progressed and actually got finished -- I had Aze. And back in middle school I had Cassie and Aze and even a couple other people.

I love writing for myself, but at heart I guess I just want to share the story and hear how others react to it. If I don't have someone reading along as I add more, chapter by chapter or whatever, it's harder to find the will to sit down and actually write as opposed to planning. Planning, though, I can do in abundance.

I really want it to just start snowing, a freak blizzard. I want Danny to stay the night and school to be delayed or cancelled (because delay = snow day for me). It's supposed to snow. It's supposed to have been snowing already. Nothing, though, except apparently a little light snow this morning.

I get my nipples pierced Sunday... excitement. It hasn't exactly sunk in yet. I realize intellectually that it's gonna happen, there's a set time and date and even an audience, but it still feels vague, like it might not actually happen, it's just a fancy. Haha. Dad was being so (sarcastically) supportive today, telling me to take a camera so I have pictures of my boobs before I 'ruin' them. He was just playing around, mostly, but I don't think he particularly cares for the idea, even if he doesn't really mind it.

I guess I'll take a notebook, curl up, and brainstorm for The Afterglow... or writing... or whatever my brain decides it wants to think about.

I took the SAT today. I think I probably did well. I mean, better than last time, at least on one section, hopefully two. I always do well. Anyway, then I was home for a couple hours, watched a movie, and then work for the rest of the day, and I work tomorrow at 10:45 in the morning. This weekend is maybe a bit of a bust.

But I saw Man of the Year with my family, and I liked it. I didn't really go in with any expectations whatsoever, good or bad, but I liked it a lot. That was last night. They were going to leave me because of the SAT, so I could go to bed early, but... I'd been trying to go out with mom all week and get a bra and hair dye, and I didn't want something to interfere again. So I ended up really tired at work, but I was fine during the SAT. I actually finished my essay this time, and I think I did better at math.

Ah man. I'm tired. So I guess that's it.

(everything else was removed. wtfever.)

I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥

Didn't have to do all that junk today. Just went up to the school for a few minutes, talked to the guidance counselor... I'm going to take my school placement tests first, then once I'm in the system apply at PGCC and take the Accuplacer. Which means I need to get my schedule for work today and go up to the school Thursday or earlier if I get the chance. I already know I work tomorrow, though. 11:30 to 5:30.

Totally busted last night. I took Cris up to the theater to see Tokyo Drift... I suggested it because I wanted to see Egan, haha. Once we got there we got to hang out on the balcony for 30 minutes waiting for the movie to start and talking to Egan some, and Cris told him, "She's just going to the movie to see you." I was like, "Thanks for that, Cris." Sarcastically.

But the movie was way better than I expected. I liked it. I haven't even seen the first two. XD

Dad's an ass sometimes, though. He picks on me too much. I especially don't like being teased about being a 'bad kid', because I know I'm not, and it brings back the issues I had in that big blow up with my grandmother. It's probably just because I'm tired, but he's being really fucking pissy with his teasing.