i will

I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm at this amazing point in my life. I love living, I have everything going for me, I'm so happy just to be myself. It's incredible. I feel like there's just so much out there in the world.

I'm not self-conscious, I'm extraverted, I'm just... happy.

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Well, no one asked what 'it' was. But that's okay, because I'm going to post it anyway -- neener neener.

I meant to do something yesterday... but I did it today, so I can still tell you today, so it all works out.

I ended up just asking him if he liked me too -- because I wanted to hear it from him, even though I was almost certain. It's funny how much courage it took. But once I started, it was easy, because it's not as if I could stop in the middle. It doesn't seem like that much, but it was great to be able to do it. To know I had the guts.

I got the answer I expected -- yes, but he's moving in a month, so...

I dunno. I figure I'll miss him either way, probably just as much, but... I like him a lot, and I don't want to miss out on what could happen because I don't want it to hurt more when he leaves. I'm not afraid of it hurting. I know it's coming, I can deal. If I have to initiate, that's fine. I want to know I can do it. And if I do and he still isn't into it because he's moving, I respect that... but I do have to do it once.

Because I really really want to.

And because I want to know that I can -- but that's just a minor thing. Mostly, I just really want to do it because I like him.

I actually thought that question today... "It's great that he likes me back, but why?" Haha. I can't help thinking it, I guess, but I'd never ask, because it's not like I could answer it if someone I liked asked me that. It just happens. There are some things you know, but they can be traits in people you know but don't like too.

I need to sleep. Full day tomorrow. Up early, shots (no big deal... I got a bar through my ear, what's a needle gonna do to me?), and then hanging out with Yuka and Egan because Yuka won't be grounded anymore. Yay! I missed her even though I saw her at work and talked to her on the phone some. She is my Yukanana.

I miss Aze too, didn't get to see her this weekend. Lame. But she's out of school after this week, so we'll figure something out.

Okay, g'night.

Cris, Yuka, Egan, and I hung out today. We kicked around a soccer ball, poured water on ourselves and one another (well Yuka and I did most of that, but yeah)... Yuka and I played Simon Says and Red Light Green Light with the kids across the street she babysits sometimes... The four of us did handstands and things, and Egan has way more skillz than me, which makes me jealous (he can walk on his hands! and front handspring!)... I got itchy grass all over my back x_x But it was fun. Then Yuka went in to shower, and Cris, Egan, and I headed over to the football field with the soccer ball. I left the cell phone, which got me into a spot of trouble later, oops. I'd taken it out of my pocket so I wouldn't kill it with handstands.

We kicked the ball around some. Cris was trying to climb on the football goal thinger (didn't I used to know the name for it?), and I managed to catch him square in the ass with a well-kicked soccer ball, but after that my aim deteriorated. All three of us ended up climbing on top of the goalpost thinger. I went up after Egan, but it was really wobbly, so when Cris was almost at the top I 'backflipped' off (if you can call it backflipping) because I wasn't about to be caught on it if it collapsed.

Lessee. We sat in the grass and Egan made bird nests while we talked about stuff in general. Old boyfriends/girlfriends, living on Bolling and people we all knew... tattoos, piercings, even some religious stuff, or lack thereof. :) Cris was pushing for us to date or something, which I found odd coming from Cris. I don't know Egan very well yet, but so far I would see a definite possibility of liking him like that if he wasn't moving in July... I'm not about to do that again, and that's exactly what I said. "It was stupid enough dating Tim knowing he was moving in a couple months." :/

Fun times, though.

I suppose I should detail my weekend with Aze (had fun, saw people, rode in cars with stoners, modeled for her photo shoot as Wrath and had a stupid angry face, went to Wakefield and played racquetball and messed around on the machines), but we were talking about stuff that I need to think about in this journal entry. Scheme and plan and think and hope... yeah.

Okay, first was a minor thing: our website. I still don't know if we're going to get rid of it since I don't know how much time for it we'd have if our other plan worked out, but we basically decided that we're going to have our big shared website (probably defying-fate and deafen, but we aren't sure), then have subdomains for our own personal websites and buy domains for them (kherezae.net and aliciakandels.net). We agreed that her name is unique, so she should stick with it, but there are a billion Jessica Wilsons out there, and if I actually write a book or whatever I'm not going to want Jessica Wilson as the byline. So Kherezae will be my penname/screen name/whatever.

So, the new plan Aze and I are scheming over. I seriously hate home schooling, and Aze's mom says she really wouldn't mind if I lived with them. Aze even talked to her about the plan and she said she'd be okay with it. So Aze and my idea is that I could finish Health and Gov&Ec in my home schooling, then sort of drop out if possible and move in with Aze to go to school with her (I dunno, like my Junior year was dragged out over two years and I'm doing my Senior year with Aze). But there are a lot of things to consider.

First of all my parents. Once I'm eighteen, they really can't stop me from doing it, but they can be pissed as hell. And I don't want them to have wasted their money on home schooling me. I'd want to pay them back. Maybe in full, but certainly for the three classes I would be dropping. According to the JMHS student website... "Total Contract Amount: $1,089.00". My parents already paid off everything. I seem to remember them saying it was 3k, but maybe they were exaggerating, I don't really know. Anyway, if 1089 was the total cost, and I divide that equally between courses, the three courses I would be dropping would be about $250 together. But the website also says that if I want to transfer, I may be entitled to a refund (or better put, my parents may be) depending on how much we still owe and such. Since they paid it all off, I imagine they'd get the refund for the three courses. Probably minus books. Now, I dunno if my parents would make me pay them back everything else. If they did, I would. Slowly, but I would.

I'd also insist on paying rent to Aze's parents. She has four siblings. They don't need to be paying for me. So I would pay for all my extras and stuff, and I would pay rent. I don't know how much rent I could pay; if I worked part-time at $6 an hour, that's around 480 a month, maybe a bit more or less. I figured a quarter for rent, a quarter for saving (or possibly paying off tuition to mom and dad, I dunno exactly), a quarter for necessities/saving, and a quarter for pocket money. That'd be like $30 a week for whatever extra groceries they'd end up buying to feed me too... which isn't much... but I wouldn't be demanding or anything. I'd eat what they gave me, and if I went to like McDonalds or anything I'd pay for myself. And I know I can survive on $20 pocket money weekly, so maybe I'd add the extra ten bucks as rent. $40 a week. It still doesn't seem like much. x_x;

Some things to worry about: I don't have a driver's license. I'm still learning. Now, going to Aze's school would mean I could take Driver's Ed, so I could get my license in Fairfax around January 2007 if they put me in Driver's Ed the first quarter of the year and I got my 40 hours of practice driving. This also means I'd have to get a job within walking distance, trouble Aze's mom to drive me to work, or figure out metro buses to ride there (which also means metro fare). Also, a cell phone. I don't think I'd get to keep the parents'. I'd have to get my own and keep up with monthly bills for it, which means even less money. Probably puts my monthly income at $440 based on the earlier figure. I dunno. Confusing.

And there's telling my parents, because they'd have to know. I don't think they'd like it, especially me staying with Aze's family, because my mom feels the same as I do: they already have a seven-person family, and I'd make eight. I mean, I would help with chores and pay some form of rent, but still, I'd be at least some form of a burden. You can't really help it, in the long run.

And there's moving. I'd really have to have my parents' cooperation to move all my junk over. I'd sell what I could. I need a bank account and debit card... then I could sell my junk and already have some money in reserve. Maybe I could work the summer at Mom's work or something. I don't think there's anything within walking distance unless I can get a job at the youth center -- which I may actually be able to do over the summer. They've been telling me I could do something there. I'd be eighteen, so, yeah.

I dunno what shit of mine I could sell. I'm sure there are some things my parents would keep. Not much of what I have is really mine. I suppose my clothes are mine. My Gamecube. My books. -shrug- Other stuff my parents might let me claim as my own. Maybe my TV and stuff. But a lot of it I'd want to keep. The TV, if I could keep it, I'd probably share it with Aze so she could sell her old TV.

I'd want to save for a laptop. Nothing fancy, just something I could use when I got to college. And then there's college itself. I'll definitely need scholarships. At least at Aze's school I'd have guidance counselors to help me with that sort of thing.

Just the necessities would be difficult. I'd also want to get into martial arts again once I'd settled in, so I'd have to figure out how to budget that.

I need to write. I need to enter the Writers of the Future contest. Should I win anything, the extra money would help. If I start writing short stories and I can actually get published in fantasy magazines, that would be a tremendous help, as well.

Aze and I already have my probable schedule planned out. Something/something means I'd take one or the other, depending on the school's requirements -- like Aze thinks Chem is required and I haven't had it, but I'd rather take geosystems if possible.

English IV/12 (AP)
Precalc/Trig
Geosystems/Chem
PE-Health-Driver's Ed
French 3
Comparative Religion (curiosity)
Drama

Right, so.

Stuff Aze could ask her counselor:

- If I drop my last three home schooling courses and take an extra year in high school, would it hurt my chances to get into college? I'm an A-B student, so...

- What would be the procedure for an 18-year-old transferring into the school when I don't live with my parents? Aze's mom wouldn't be a legal guardian. I'd be all growed up.

- (Counselor probably won't know, but): if I have a Florida Learner's Permit and I take Driver's Ed in Aze's school, should I expect any problems getting my license in Virginia?

- Feel free to add anything else in comments, I'll add it here.

Oh, and Aze? I know this isn't related at all, but please don't forget the pictures you took XD Hahaha.

I suppose that's all.

Okay, so, the HBP-reread ramblings promised yesterday. After the whole school shebang yesterday I really didn’t feel like it…

Firstly, Snape. I probably don’t have any more reasons than anyone else to believe he’s still a good guy… but besides little canon hints that jumped out at me on reread, I just have a gut feeling that he isn’t evil. It seems to me that JKR would be going against the theme she’s established in her books if she made Snape truly evil.

I think that for me one of the biggest hints that Snape is truly Dumbledore’s, not Voldemort’s, is the argument in the woods. All I can say is that if Snape was Voldemort’s, he wouldn’t be arguing with Dumbledore about his duties, I think. He would do what Voldemort told him to do. I don’t think I can explain this properly, but I’m sure I can’t be the only one feeling the same about this argument.

Personally, I think that at least part of Snape’s turn from Death Eater to Order member has to do with Lily. I think he was in love with her, or at least infatuated with her. I would think that there’s more to it than that… but it’s the feeling I get from reading this, particularly with Dumbledore mentioning something about Snape not wanting James and Lily to be killed—Harry scoffed at it later because Snape hated James, but all he could say about Lily was that Snape called her a ‘Mudbood’. Seems relatively weak seeing as we’ve seen plenty of evidence of Snape’s hatred for James, but very little concerning him and Lily. Lily did, after all, show him a lot of compassion as far as Harry saw in the Pensieve.

Um, yes, that’s all for Snape. Anything else I could say would be further repetition of things dozens of other people have thoroughly abused already.

The main thing that jumped out at me while reading that I feel might be worth digging into is Ollivander’s wands. It’s already been discussed that Ollivander’s disappearance was odd and that maybe Rowena’s item was a wand… and perhaps Ollivander was hiding it away.

Forgive me if someone else has already noted this, but I haven’t seen it: Neville says that his wand may well have been the last one that Ollivander sold, because he disappeared the next day. The way JKR drops small details that become important later, like the locket in 12 Grimmauld Place (which I fully believe is Slytherin’s locket), makes this very suspicious to me. Even if Rowena’s item wasn’t a wand, I think there’s something important to be found here, especially considering that Neville could have been in Harry’s place if events had unfolded differently.

I have a feeling I’m three steps behind on this and someone else has already gone into it far more thoroughly than I could -___-; So yeah. That’s all.

Okay, so now that Hogsmeade's over I should, you know, actually review my weekend. Stuff has been weirding me out a bit lately.

Wow, I get distracted easily. -was talking to temporaryfix and then watching part of Sabrina- So anyway.

( Cut for long rambling distracted stories about my weekend and somewhat embarrassing personal events... )

Not so much a rant as a rambling, so I'm going to make myself a new tag for just that. Eh... if my train of thought gets bumpy and retarded, well, it's partly because I am bumpy and retarded and partly because I'm searching for good RPs as I ramble.

Okay, so today has been pretty decent. Or, better put, yesterday was. Today has barely started. I did some work on deafen, albeit not much, wrote a little... roleplayed with xen... went and got new clothes and my eyebrows waxed -- which didn't turn out so hot XD She asked me if I wanted my eyebrows thin or just cleaned up, and I said just cleaned up... so if this isn't thin, I hate to see what is. And I think Dad's right and they're uneven. I could deal if my left eyebrow was slightly higher than my right, not vice versa. But at least it's not totally off... just looks like I'm vaguely intrigued all the time -_-; and eyebrows grow back, for once that's a good thing, eh? Anyway, I got cool new clothes. Two new pairs of jeans, pajama bottoms, two big grey shirts to wear as PJ tops -- the one I'm wearing now is fucking awesome, has four little monkeys and under each it says 'hear no evil' 'see no evil' 'speak no evil' 'have no fun' and the last little monkey with the have no fun underneath is like glaring at the other three. I got... I forgot what mom called them, but basically skirt pants. And a red-purple-y wife-beater/tank, and a greenish one, and patterned gauzy tops to match each -- all that for the party tomorrow and any other casual dress things I have to go to ever. And three tees... patterned nicely, no text though, except the one with the tiger says barely legibly 'peace / love' on it. Mmm... got thigh-high black pantyhose to wear with the stuff tomorrow because all my socks are little ankle bootie type things. Hair bands for in the shower, a clip to try in my hair tomorrow. And little penguin and snowman statues to paint for people for christmas -- six, three of each. I already have hemp things to make Ash and Lisa, so I'm pretty set on gifts unless I want to get something special for someone, I suppose.

Which reminds me, Aze suggested that we not exchange gifts for Christmas, and I said we should do something instead. For now the plan is ice-skating/movie/stayupveryverylate. Kinda like me right now. Anyway, sounds like a plan to me.

Mom #2 emailed me finally and she actually got my emails... ^_^ Made me feel all bubbly inside. She sent me pictures of the family. Daniel's grown some, but basically looks the same. Andy can drink! He turned 21! But he looks the same too. And Tim is growing his hair out XD He looks so old. I mean... really. He's 6' now according to mum2, and the hair doesn't hurt even if it does look odd since I'm not used to it. I mean... wow. I miss him again =/ I had a dream about him a few days ago, short but sweet. I was getting on a bus and he was on it, but for some reason I didn't sit next to him at first... but then I had to move up from the seat I took in the back, and he just looked at me, and I sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder. I don't think we said anything the whole dream, it was just... familiar, company... ahhh. I think Grey's getting into my head, that's the sort of dream he would have.

Alright, moving on... deafen. It needs so much work. I have to figure out wordpress and efiction 2.0, both big jobs... particularly wordpress since I've never fucked with it before. Ahhh. But obviously it's possible, lookit all the pretty sites out there who use it with sexied layouts! Ahh, this could prove to be interesting. And fucking annoying. But I'll get through it, I always do. Coding... huh. I suppose I really do like coding. It's not like writing, it's more structured. You can see tangibly if you're doing it wrong, if you've fucked up. Not like writing. But it can also be way more frustrating. Much less freeform.

I think I've come up with a system for dealing with my writing. I love fanfiction because you've got this rigid structure and this idea you want to get out, and you have to write it in such a way that you don't betray the structure you're building from even if you weave twisted webs all up over it. It's still there. It's a challenge, even if the basis is someone else's. So solution: make the rigid frame for my own world. It may take time... gods know it took forever to get Eysuria so solid that it almost feels like this living entity and then also this book set in stone that I can add to and make connections in but not actually change or betray. Anyway, from now on any seedling fanfic ideas I get are going into original fiction. Find a way to connect it in. The challenge of fitting it is so... great. I love mind games, I suppose. I'm working on fitting in Elemental Force in Eysuria, and by necessary proxy parts of LoZ. Wow. Mostly it's steeping in my mind since there are things taking priority... nano, Dragonsbane, deafen. But I dunno. It's great.

Roleplaying... gah. It's gone to hell on neopets. Some AG sites look great, but the ones that do are the ones that require major effort just to understand enough to join. They have these huge complex plots like something I would make, and I realize just how much of a pain in the ass all that detail can be.

I love trying to put new and original spins on rps without going, "That new shit! I are teh more original than you!" I know people are more creative than me. I don't try to pretend I'm going to come up with something no one ever has before. But I do try to make characters that are real and aren't necessarily the rping norm. And I try to play originals to fandom genres in character but also deep. Like real people. Auuggh.

I wanna create so many RP things. Communities. On Deafen, but without making new XMB forums... which probably isn't going to happen, so oh well. I want to make 'The Dark Alliance'. Original rps welcome... but aimed more toward rpers who love to take fandom plots and turn them into these deeper, darker messes than you actually see in the show/book/whatever without totally mutilating the canon. Almost like in fanfiction, like on sycophant hex. You see all this angsty dark stuff... I dunno why, but that appeals to me sometimes. I hate having to hurt characters, make the ending bad... whatever... but it's so real. And so much more fun, more complex.

I'm waiting on Lisa. We're supposed to start an Avatar RP. I want one very badly, but all the ones I've come across suck. Neopets really has gone to shit, there aren't any on avidgamers (if I could use ag1 and they hadn't fucked with these google ad banners, I'd so make one myself), and the proboards/invisionfree ones I've seen are completely lame. Some are well put together, but the roleplaying level there is so low. Lisa can write, at least, I know that for sure. This will be fun, if not dark and angsty... but it's Avatar, I dunno, that show wasn't made to be too dark and angsty.

Someone's been wandering around upstairs, it's scaring me.

So there's the party tomorrow and I'm going to Aze's, huzzah. That also means I'll get next to nothing done on deafen etc, particularly with dad home... but I suppose I'll get some schoolwork done for a change?

I guess I'm done rambling. That was fun.