i will

So I hung out with Alicia yesterday, which was nice. I hadn't seen her in a while. She's having a tough time right now -- her whole family's cooped up in a small space together, which is never fun. Families are meant to have space to keep them from gutting each other.

Anyway toward the end when we were metroing toward home, we were talking about writing. She got me to thinking about Blood and Heat, one of the three nano stories I wrote in... I think 2005. There's some really bad writing in it, haha, and some major plot things and such that need work, but I've reread it several times and I always see certain aspects of it that were really very good. I decided a while ago not to rewrite it. I wanted to incorporate it into Eysuria. It got me some really cool elements in Eysuria -- the ashings, mostly. But most of it was very hard to incorporate and keep it whole. I kind of forgot about it.

Thinking about it now, the story is so much better in its original form, though with heavy edits. I reread it again yesterday/today and I like the characters, I like the world setting, I like the plot I had set up, I love the names I chose for people and places... There's some horrible writing in there, particularly toward the beginning, and once in a while I'd find myself reading a sentence way too long and convoluted and just shaking my head to myself. But there are also a few lines, phrases, even paragraphs where I went, "Wow, I wrote that?" I'm going to try to go through and pick a few out to save.

So yes, I'm seriously considering rewriting it. Maybe even for NaNo; it seems appropriate, and it's coming up in just over a week. Until then I could work on fleshing out weak plot details and stuff like that. Maybe find my old planning posts and notebooks. I had a whole religion set up for Duos that I hardly remember.

Also, "For a Soul" is being workshopped today. I read the comments on it. Positive, of course, with the major complaint being that I needed to flesh the whole story out more. I don't really find that surprising. I wrote it very quickly for a challenge with no larger story in mind... just what came to me, really. Of course it could be fleshed out more, maybe even into a decent short story, but I wasn't planning on it. Maybe though...

I'm hungry for dessert =)

ETA: I finally gave up on h_e and westerosorting. I left all related communities, de-friended them, and reorganized my links list on the left. Much tidier. I'm trying to decide if I want to make another friends group or two for the handful of misfit communities I'm watching, but I think if I care enough to check them out I'll just go to the communities themselves.

Dude I just watched episode 3.9, Nightmares and Daydreams, and that shit was HILARIOUS. I'm watching it on my mac with headphones while Danny plays Ninja Gaiden and I'm just SHAKING with laughter, and he's getting irritated because of it. Appa and Momo... just... ahahahahah....

Also! Torrential rain today was freaking terrifying! But I saw Alicia, with the fun.

Off to watch more Avatar.

I'm making mac'n'cheese. Velveeta, the only good kind. It's not a real meal, but there's not much else to choose from in the house right now, and even if I was less lazy I don't feel like spending money. Had The Conversation with Justin (Dennis' proxy, I guess?) about me paying rent. I always thought rent was by the room and then split cable/utilities evenly, but then I've never actually done the renting thing before now, and Justin kept emphasizing that we're paying to live in this house and we should each pay. Danny talked him down to a 250/250/250/150 split since I'm not taking up any of their personal space, just using the bathroom/kitchen.

This means at the beginning of next semester I'll have to spend not just some nights at my dorm, but the majority of them if I don't want to pay rent. I'm sure I'll stay two nights a week with Danny, maybe three sometimes to regularly. We'll see. I hope I get the College Park Starbucks; that would make it easier.

...Just ate the mac'n'cheese.

( wisereaders/writing stuffs )

Sooo. I just realized Tuesday that I have a ten to twelve page paper due next Tuesday. I have to write it this weekend. It's an actual research paper, requires 15 academic sources. I have to text Alicia and let her know I have to postpone hanging out... x_x; Anyway, I have a detailed outline and bibliography due for an 8 - 10 page paper due next Thursday. And a history paper due after Thanksgiving break, and a speech due after Thanksgiving break. Waaah.

I think my grades so far are three As (two one credits, one three credit) and three Bs (three credits). I have to maintain a 3.2 for my scholarship. If those are the grades I get, I'll be safe at about a 3.3. If one one credit turns out to be a B, it'll be a 3.28 or something. But I can't get a C in a three credit, I can't afford it, so these papers and things are really important. I may even be able to bring one of the Bs up to an A. Comm maybe; I have a mid to high B in that class, with a paper, a speech, and I think a final left. And of course participation for all of these, generally around ten percent, which could be an absolute life saver. So we'll see.

I bought Danny's anniversary present. I took a Halloween picture of us as Link and Zelda and ordered a photo mosaic. All the little pictures making up the big picture of us will be artwork from Zelda games. By tomorrow the mosaic should be compiled for me to look at and see if it's to my liking. If it is, I'll accept it and it'll be shipped.

Okay, so I better text Alicia.

I reread Ella Enchanted today after I finished And Eternity, the last in Piers Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series, and had nothing else to read. Although I suppose technically I could have read the book we're supposed to be reading in English, but I was still groggy from sleeping all through third period, so it didn't even occur to me.

Yeah. I think I need to go to bed at ten again. I've been really sleepy the last few days, but today was horrible. I slept in first period after we finished our work, and then again in third period, ignoring the temporary teacher we have. In third period, I passed the fuck out. It wasn't like normal classroom sleep, it was like the whole world was gone. Haha. It wasn't all that long when I checked my watch, but it felt like an eternity, which is really backwards for normal sleep... but I guess it's because it felt like night, in bed, sleep, and even though that feels quick, in your mind you know you were asleep for hours.

Aze emailed me about reviving The Afterglow and starting another project -- really just a bigger, badder, rolled-up version of stuff we've done before -- and I really want another project. I haven't been on the internet much at all lately, and my inspiration's run low. I haven't written in so long. Not real writing. It's really depressing, but I think I feed off of having a beta reader, or someone who genuinely enjoys what I write and will read through it for me and tell me what they think, offer advice and improvements. That's why Elemental Force progressed so well for a long time -- I had Lisa. That's why Heart of a Werewolf progressed and actually got finished -- I had Aze. And back in middle school I had Cassie and Aze and even a couple other people.

I love writing for myself, but at heart I guess I just want to share the story and hear how others react to it. If I don't have someone reading along as I add more, chapter by chapter or whatever, it's harder to find the will to sit down and actually write as opposed to planning. Planning, though, I can do in abundance.

I really want it to just start snowing, a freak blizzard. I want Danny to stay the night and school to be delayed or cancelled (because delay = snow day for me). It's supposed to snow. It's supposed to have been snowing already. Nothing, though, except apparently a little light snow this morning.

I get my nipples pierced Sunday... excitement. It hasn't exactly sunk in yet. I realize intellectually that it's gonna happen, there's a set time and date and even an audience, but it still feels vague, like it might not actually happen, it's just a fancy. Haha. Dad was being so (sarcastically) supportive today, telling me to take a camera so I have pictures of my boobs before I 'ruin' them. He was just playing around, mostly, but I don't think he particularly cares for the idea, even if he doesn't really mind it.

I guess I'll take a notebook, curl up, and brainstorm for The Afterglow... or writing... or whatever my brain decides it wants to think about.

I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥