i will

I got my dorm assignment today, and I'll be in a triple with AC! Air conditioning makes my life. One of my roomies already emailed me, and I emailed her back. I haven't heard from the other yet. I should probably email her, actually. I'm excited! I've been packing some stuff today. My books, my jewelry box, my gamecube, games, and PS2 games. I didn't pack the PS2 because I'm going to demand my PS2 back from Danny.

I also sent Yuka a message today. I hadn't talked to her in a while and I was curious what she was up to. She's not going to Maryland, but she seems to be doing well. I'm also talking to Robert, right now we're discussing Deathly Hallows.

So I haven't done much writing today, but that's okay. I don't really feel like typing up more stuff today, but I may sit down with my notebook in a little while and do some planning on paper.

I'm not having luck with Synergetic... gah... I was advertising on Neopets but I got a stupid warning, so I decided to lay off for a while.

Well, anyway, I want to see Danny. I want to wear my white dress for him because he hasn't seen it yet even though I got it in May. I wore it to graduation, and he couldn't come, so... oh well.

edit omfg. At the beginning of September Danny's going to Vegas for a week, all expenses paid, for a GameStop managers' conference. I'm so jealous. I'd have no fun if I went, of course, but I'll miss him while he's gone. I want to go to Vegas. Danny said it'd be good to wait until I'm 21 so I can actually get in to places, you know.

I wrote this huge letter to my friend Ash in Alaska... part I wrote on Christmas, part the day before Valentine's Day. I still haven't mailed it. I'm splitting it up into several parts and posting it here. I don't expect anyone to read it -- it's way too long -- but it'll be here for me to look back on.

( letter to ash part one )

There was a two-hour delay today. I was like... fuck that. I didn't go. Haha. It should have been a snow day, the bastards.

I worked my last day yesterday. Still no job yet, but I'm sure I'll get one soon. Toya recommended that I go to, what's it called, Fish and Waffles or something... She said they pay well and all. So I'll check it out when I get the chance. And I need to call the woman who can find out if I can get a job at the Youth Center here.

Brandy was upset no one called her about me coming in early for Yuka yesterday. I admit I should have thought to call her, but it didn't even cross my mind. I was in a hurry and I have no trust for her anyway, she can be very hard to reach and what could she have done but what she did in the morning? Which was: call Wilette, yell some, and get Wilette to come in to cover my 8:30 - 1:15 shift.

Wilette almost stood up for Danny, no one was pleased with Ron, and ew the caramel in the espresso bar was horrible. Mostly it was okay. After work Danny and I saw Night at the Museum, which was great. We hung out at my house for maybe an hour afterward before he had to go in to work.

The snow! Danny's car isn't safe in the snow. I really wanted him to stay over at my house. I was convinced I'd have a snow day, and my parents approved -- my mom knows how his car isn't too safe. But he refused to stay unless they posted that there'd be a snow day, and they didn't, so he went home. But he came over at 10 this morning and we hung out, and he told me I should have commanded him to stay, lol. He said he would have stayed if I told him I wanted him to, which I didn't, not in those words. I really wanted him to -- for more than just the safety thing -- but I was just trying to convince him logically, not with "I fucking want you, Danny." Haha.

He worked at 1:30. Around three Alicia called to hang out and I rolled out... and it was great. I've missed her. Talking to her was awesome. It turns out, Yuka's been venting about me to her a LOT. And apparently Danny has told Yuka a lot -- maybe more than he realizes -- because she told it all to Alicia when she was complaining. Haha. I don't mind. I told Danny that a long time ago -- he can talk to Yuka, it doesn't bother me, I'd just like a heads-up so I know what all he's told her, since I don't talk to her that much myself anymore and don't know what all she knows.

I love him so much, though. Haha. After watching Jackass 2 he said he hates Bam because all his girlfriends have said they'd do him in a heartbeat. I told him today, I don't want anyone but him. It's just my nature. I'm very faithful by nature. I lose interest in other guys when I get close to one. I can intellectually go, okay, that guy's really cute, but... he doesn't compare.

I was talking to Alicia today about how important the physical aspect of a relationship is. It's really fucking important -- extremely -- but it's not a function of how attractive a guy is, really. It's all chemistry, and a huge part of chemistry is mental and emotional.

Yeah, I think a lot.

I'm seriously considering getting my nipples pierced. I was talking to Jason at Fatty's -- where Alicia and I hung out (and gambled some) -- and... I'd already mentioned to Alicia how Danny's said I should get my nipples pierced and I wasn't sure whether he was joking... but I really had no desire to do it. I've always had a thing about hard nipples because my dad always points them out and teases, but it bothers me way less these days. So when Alicia was asking Jason what piercing she should get and he said nipples, I asked him whether they affect the sensitivity. He said yes, and when I asked if it was in a good way, he said yes. Of course, this all on average as always, because everyone's different.

My nipples aren't very sensitive, and I don't like that. Danny's are way more sensitive than mine. So it'd be great if they increased my sensitivity. Yeah... I'm really thinking about it. I'd also consider a tongue piercing because it could be great, and if I don't like it, I can always take it out and it'll heal up really fast.

Only other piercings I'm considering are on my left ear. I have the bar and one lobe piercing in my right, and that's all I really need. But I might get piercings all up the edge of my left ear. I like that off-balance look.

Mmmkay, I'm done.

Okaaay so. I think I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know people at all, because there's a lot of stuff I don't get. I mean, there are things I can understand when I put it together in my head later, thinking, but other people just know it right away because of intuition. But it feels good to me to figure it out later. I'm learning.

I'm so clueless, lol. I'm not gonna go into it now because my brother's rattling off movie titles in my ear. But Yuka and I worked things out. And people are weird about relationships. When I break up with someone or let go or whatever, it's just gone. I don't get jealous if a friend wants to go out with my ex. I mean, Travis and Alicia, hello. I think Alicia expects me to have lingering feelings, but I don't. Maybe it's because I've never had a bad breakup. I've never been broken up with (not that that was the case with Danny, but whatever), and I've never had a bad breakup mutually or with me ending the relationship. I like to keep things simple.

Maybe I'm really, really selfish, lol. It's either that or realistic, and of course I'd prefer the latter, but whatever. I remember when my friendship with Cassie went sour. I don't know, it's not that big a deal. I'm of the opinion that if a friendship isn't good for you, it's okay if it kind of fades or even ends abruptly, because you'll probably be better off, and so will the other person involved. That doesn't mean you should be a bad friend or do stupid shit, but if you grow apart and find you've developed irreconcilable differences... oh well.

Or maybe. Not. Because the thing with Keith never sat well with me. It's more like if I recognize that someone isn't the sort of friend I need. That's why it sounds selfish. I mean, I try my damnedest to be a good friend, but there are some things that are just my character that I'm not going to change. Not a lot of things, because if I know it's bad character on my part, then I'm gonna try to change. But there are some things that just don't fit between people, and it's nothing wrong with either of them. It just doesn't work.

Thank god I'm not actually in a situation like that, I've just been thinking about it. I overthink a lot. I told Danny I do it too.

Okaaaay, so, I had a lot of fun today. I got up late, haha, which isn't something I usually do... but I guess I needed more time to catch up on sleep than I thought. Yuka, Andy, and I went into DC to E Street Cinema and watched this documentary on hardcore punk rock... it was pretty dull after a while, but I was interested in Minor Threat and the small mention of straight edge put in there. Toward the end, Yuka and I left to pee and we just kinda hung out outside, stalling, until the movie finished.

Then we went back to Morgan Blvd to pick up Andy's car, and we drove to his place up near Laurel and Fort Meade. Hung out with the kids there -- Shoe and Dave, part of the band, and Megan, Shoe's girlfriend. Yuka dressed me in fishnets, Shoe's skirt, Shoe's net shirt (so you could see my bra through it), and did my eyes. It didn't match at all, but it was still pretty cool. I got pictures, I'll post them sometime maybe.

We went to the show, and Andy's group (Moors Murderers) was pretty good, but the vocals were too quiet. The next group was good too. We left around 10:45, and by that time I was pretty deaf. And my throat was (and still is) sore as hell from coughing from all the smoking... I was the only nonsmoker there. Those kids smoke inside their apartment and in the car when they're driving, and of course everyone in the bar was smoking. I hated it, and because of that I won't do it again even though I had a ton of fun. I'm getting sick to fucking death of smoking and I told Yuka I'm not going anywhere with someone who's gonna smoke in the car or whatever. Even with the windows down smoke gets everywhere, and it was fucking cold and rainy with the windows down, but which is worse? Would it kill you not to smoke while you drive? It's just like 45 minutes tops. Gah. I mean, I'm not a smoker, so I don't know. Maybe there's something I do that's just as inconsiderate and I don't even realize it. But when you've got someone who doesn't smoke and doesn't like smoking, would it kill you not to smoke for just a little while?

Whatever.

Andy didn't smoke on the way home, and I appreciated that. I dunno if he did it because of me or what, but I still appreciated it. Yuka and TJ were still smoking in the back seat though, and Yuka didn't even put down her window, so it wasn't that much of an improvement.

I told her when we stopped for gas, too, that I wasn't gonna go anywhere with people who're gonna smoke while they drive anymore, and she ... I don't know if she kept smoking, but she gave TJ a light after that so he could smoke again, and ugh the smell was suffocating.

Blah.

But I had a nice little discussion about straight edge and Minor Threat with Andy on the way home, it was great. He agrees with me that a lot of straight edge kids are just crazy today freaking out over 'breaking edge' if they taste some alcohol or whatever. And we also talked about how white kids are the minority in this area (because of Minor Threat's guilty being white song). Ah, I love discussions like that.

I dunno if I'll write tonight. I'm kinda hungry and it's past midnight already. I'll try, though. I finished my first 100fic prompt... it got long, haha. I didn't realize I was done at first, either. I was about to keep writing. Haha. I think I'll do my first eysuria100 prompt next even though I really want to continue with Aerlun & Daemien. I'll need to remember to do the other incarnations, too.

Payce.

I have free time and I'm not sick. I mean, I have the mildest throat tickle thing going on, but I'm not actually sick anymore. I finished my project for school... with Romeo. The original deal was that I would write the paper (five pages, ten sources in the bibliography) and he would put together the poster, which I thought was more than fair. But then he said, "Why don't we work on the poster together during lunch on Monday?" So I spent about five hours researching and writing the damn paper Sunday, and then I printed out the pictures he found for the poster (and used up all my dad's expensive ink). I had bought the poster already on Saturday, so I had to carry it to school -- literally, the bus didn't go down on Reading Terrace this morning so I had to walk up to the metro with this posterboard and my binder and backpack, catch the train to Addison Road, and then walk up to the school. Then I missed lunch to work on the project with him.

Okay so in all, I contributed the five-page paper and all research necessary to write it, the poster board, the paper and ink and time to print the pictures... I titled the board and wrote the captions for all the pictures. Romeo found the pictures online, cut them out, bought a glue stick for a quarter, and pasted them on. And, presumably, took the poster to class. I dunno since I left when third period started and he was still working.

I'm irritated, but at the same time I don't think I trust what might have resulted if I hadn't put in this much work, if I'd just told him "I wrote the paper, you do the rest." Life isn't fair I guess, if you want a decent project you have to put in the work necessary to make it as nice as you want it to be.

I had fun in gym though. My spanish kids are great. Tomas was asking me what 'itchy' and 'brothel' mean. I swear the only english Jelver knows is 'eighteen' and 'masturbation'. I think the second one is mine and Yuka's fault. Anyway, since I have my replacement cell now, I've been taking pictures of friends again, and I have this nice sequence of events showing how the guys tackled an unwilling Tomas so I could get a picture of him. After that I guess he decided I'd already stolen his soul and couldn't do any more harm, because he posed for a final picture.

Derrick refused to let me take his picture and wiggled my number out of me by promising to send me one of him. Haha.

I love my picture of Chris at school, he looks so... "but that was my lunch money!" with the sadface.

I'm still making straight As, it appears. I was worried in precalc since I had the only A in class and I missed a couple days -- I didn't know if I was missing any assignments that might drag my grade down. But I have a 97. Grading period ends Wednesday, although according to Mike we don't get report cards for three weeks (what shit is that?).

I suppose that's all, but I miss my Yukanana, waaaaaaaa.

Okay, so.

I found out today at work that Michelle is almost certainly leaving here... in a month or so. And if she leaves, I have this feeling that work will just fall apart. Brandy is just not manager material. She hasn't gotten better in the three to four months she's been managing Starbucks -- things have been going downhill. We ran out of white mocha at the beginning of the week (the shipment doesn't come until Thursday) and only had any today because we borrowed from another store. We ran out of pastry bags on the paper shipment day and didn't have any new ones in the shipment. Had to borrow from another store. Today we were out of vanilla, caramel, and toffeenut syrup. And soy. We've been using sugar-free vanilla syrup we borrowed from Seattle's Best in the Borders.

We're always running out of stuff. The store is a mess. And Brandy doesn't know how to treat her employees either. She's humiliated and frustrated Yuka into tears, and me nearly to the point of snapping at her and/or walking out. She'll say stuff about us that's insulting to appease the customers, but we'll get complaints from the customers about how rude she is. And she gossips. I hate a gossip. I hate standing there hearing someone talk about someone else behind her back.

Half the time she's in the back or sitting talking to a friend of hers who came into the store.

Ugh. It's tolerable because I hardly ever work with her, and when she's in the back or chatting up a friend at least she's out of the fucking way... so it only really gets bad when a rush hits, which is quite rare overall since I don't work with her that often to begin with.

Dad says he and mom are discussing the possibility of moving back onto Bolling, to Bellevue. At first I absolutely despised the idea, though I didn't say as much, I just started thinking about it. But now... it's ish. I mean, there are advantages and disadvantages, conveniences and inconveniences -- it'd probably all balance out.

I would have to leave Starbucks, which is good and bad. Bad because Starbucks pays so well, it'd be hard to find a decent replacement job. Good because that store is just unravelling, so it'd be nice to get away, even if I'd miss most of my coworkers.

I'd be able to start Tae Kwon Do again. I'd be within walking distance (or at least safe biking distance) of so much more -- the BX, the convenience store, the commissary, the Burger King, the library, the pool... I could probably find two jobs if I wanted, if I could get set hours for at least one of them. There are so many kids that live in the area, even some I know already, haha. It's safer...

But then I wouldn't live so near to Yuka. It'd be easier to see Alicia, I think, since her mom goes to Bolling pretty regularly, but also harder to see Yuka.

And the move itself would be damned inconvenient; we'd have to move ourselves. I just got settled in my newly rearranged room. I'd have to metro to school everyday, and that's if the school didn't object to a move out of district. It wouldn't be nearly as easy to get to springfield and pentagon city because I'd have to bus to the station, and Dad doesn't trust Anacostia, military people get jumped there.

Yeah, I think it balances out. Plus, a new adventure, man. Having to get hired again, job references, learning all that junk. Managing school and a new job and Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, it would be fun.

I guess I'm a hopeless optimist... ha.

But I do want to know, like for certain. The parents haven't even remotely made up their minds yet.

Ahhh. Turns out Yuka was half-right. About Egan. And stuff always happens to create a convenient out of our more awkward conversations, like the internet booting one of us off for a minute... so... huh.

I've gotta go to bed.

I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥