i will

Okay, so, life. I had my meeting with Suzanne... was both worse than and not as bad as I expected. Tracy thinks I'm behind on school work and I've been taking off days/being late to try to play catch up, and not talking to her about it. Which is far from the case. So, not quite what I expected, but at least she doesn't (exactly) think I'm a huge slacker. On the other hand, Suzanne warned me to expect Tracy to look in on me. Didn't happen this week between MSAs and Tracy having jury duty, but apparently I can expect her to pop in and see if I'm doing everything properly. I mean, I don't have the lesson plan book I'm supposed to, but aside from that... I do what I'm supposed to, so it should be okay.

I gained a ton of respect for Tracy at the seminar today. She let the class rant for an hour about how unreasonable and condescending our reading assessment professor is at the university and gave us advice on how to handle it. Very frank, helpful advice. And she demonstrated yet again how knowledgeable she is about classroom management. She has a treasure trove of random examples/experiences I never in a million years would have imagined. I'll be honest; I let my view of her as a supervisor color my view of her as a teacher. She's a fantastic teacher. She's not even a bad supervisor, she just has certain ways about her that don't mesh with my style, for lack of a better description.

Life is hectic. Danny is amazing through all of it, as I was practically bragging to Katie today. He drove to Whetstone during rush hour yesterday to fix my random flat tire, and drove my car for me today to get it fixed while I was at my internship. The thing with Morgan was hard, but I really think it made our relationship even stronger in the end. I think we both appreciate what we have more. I love the hell out of that man, and he's always showing the ways he cares about me.

My classmates are in a panic over our reading assessment class with Brie; I've had her before and she's crazy and condescending, but I'm making a high A in her class (I've only lost half a participation point overall so far, everything else has perfect marks) and although the upcoming workload seems overwhelming, I know I'll get through it like I always do. I did volunteer to speak to her with a couple other students about our concerns though--based on the advice Tracy gave. Some really great ideas. Approach it as the needs we have in order to get out of her course what we know she wants us to get out of it, like better clarification of expectations on assignments, examples of assignments before they're due instead of after people have fucked them up, and less of a workload. I told Lauren, who's ring-leading this confrontation, that I don't want her to feel we're ganging up on her, so I don't have to come, but if they want the support I'm there.

I also told Katie I'd look over her papers before she submits them if she likes. She's not a writer the way I am, which makes it hard for her. Brie, from what we can tell, is super-biased against imperfect grammar and writing mechanics, so I'm thinking if I can fine-tune Katie's papers she can get better marks.

I have some great behavior incentive stuff to try when I get the chance. I'm thinking I'll order the mailbox thing I want for the classroom, too, even though it's really more expensive than I want to pay for right now.

Big plans for SynTru--another example of money I shouldn't spend but really want to. Assirra has offered to add IP.Blog, and I want IP.Content too. Each is $50. I think they could really work wonders on the site... meh. We'll see how that pans out. Right now we're kind of surveying member opinions to see how popular they'd be if added. Assirra and Zap have worked wonders with SynTru since I haven't had time for it anymore. I'm constantly amazed by their dedication.

Speaking of, I have a piece of feedback due today. I think I'll go do that now.

...but my updates are.

( The aftermath of the me-Danny-Morgan thing. It's really over this time. No. Really. )

Erm, I gave up on NaNo. With the stress of conflict with Danny and school put together, it just wasn't doable this month. Or at least... I didn't have the energy. I have a lot of stuff due this week. In math, the second part of the portfolio. The science lesson apparently got moved back, so maybe not that. In classroom management, I have stuff due and overdue; of the three assignments, I can probably get two done without going back to my internship first. In reading, a book club reflection on a book I haven't read yet and won't get until later this week, so I'll be asking for an extension probably. In language arts, two case reports and my mini lesson report. Which I forgot to have my mentor fill out the rubric for. Damn. Guess that portion will be late.

Blah. Anyway. Life.

Have not written yet for NaNo. Don't really have the energy. Kinda depressed, even. Had another talk with Danny last night, this time about his lack of physical affection. He made it sound like I'm asking for too much. I don't think I am, but whatever; I decided to back off and let him come to me when he wants to for a while, and then decide if that's often enough for me. If I can give it a good, honest week of me not touching him unless clearly invited, it should give me a good idea of whether I can tolerate this business.

Looked up more houses. Feels kind of silly at this point but I have to look forward, and we can't live here much longer one way or another.

I'm pretty scared of all the serious talks we've been having lately. Danny told me last night... what did he say? Something like he loves me but he can't be physically affectionate the way I want him to be, and if that's a problem then he doesn't know what will happen... or something. I don't know. I'm afraid of where this is leading. It just seems very one-sided. He says he loves me and I'm the most important person to him but I'm the one who's always done all the changing and trying. Maybe that's not fair--I mean, before me he was out at the bars with his friends all the time, but I'm not sure if that was a change just because of me. He might not go back to that now regardless.

I told him I want to take him out to eat tonight and he said sorry, he just ate Chipotle. And he just called to ask if it's okay if Carol and Lena come over to try out the Kinect. I mean... I like them, they're nice girls, and if I wasn't feeling low I'd think it was a great idea. But I'm not going to say no. There's no point in me turning them away to mope, after all. I told him I don't care either way.

School is a tangled mess too. Our science methods professor just told us that anyone who missed class has to write a six-page paper relating this article he gave us to what we've seen in class. And a classmate just told me there's an additional assignment if you've missed more than one day, which I have. We don't have time for that sort of crap. I looked up the university attendance policy and it said the professor needs to put their own participation/how attendance affects grades policy in the syllabus and/or let us know at the beginning of the year, which he didn't. The syllabus just says attendance is important, let him know ahead of time if there's a conflict with getting to class so arrangements can be made... you know, the basic if you miss a due date or assignment because of an unexcused absence, you don't get credit sort of deal. And I haven't missed anything like that. So it shouldn't be allowable, and if it comes to it I'll address it with the university. Preferably if other students will back me up.

And I just haven't felt like doing anything. I let my assignments slide until the last second. Today I was running late to class because I stayed at home an extra fifteen minutes to finish an assignment, and on the way to school I rear-ended another car. The light turned green and the two cars in front of me started to go, but then all of a sudden decided to stop. Well, my brakes aren't so great. I didn't stop fast enough. The driver in front of me was a Hispanic guy, probably no insurance, since he just told me it was fine and didn't take my insurance info. Seeing as my car's already a bit of a mess, there was nothing but a bit of paint damage, and I don't want my insurance record marked up again, I was fine with this. And it was almost lucky since it was a reason to be late to class.

Blah. Life. Hate it.

Morgan reactivated her Facebook. Talking to her makes me pretty deeply sad, but I think it'll pass. I suppose if we want to be real friends again we'll have to sit down and talk... but we'll see.

( Bit of TMI )

Anyway. Suffice to say. I did not sleep at all last night, and I was run down all day at my internship. My fifth graders were asking me what was wrong with my eyes and I had to explain I didn't get any sleep and my eyes were protesting, but a couple of the intuitive ones did not miss the fact that puffy eyes come from crying.

Fuck my life right now.

It'll get better. But I think... this might be the lowest I've been... maybe ever, and if not, certainly in a long while.

As much as I'm not mad at Danny or Morgan over the thing last week, it still changes the way I see their conversations/texting/going to see a movie with friends yesterday/etc. I hate being a stupid irrational girl. (Not that boys aren't irrational. So maybe a stupid, irrational human being.)

School is blah. Putting off an assignment until during my classes tomorrow. Probably not the best strategy, but it's happening. I will have an extended lunch because it's the midterm in science methods, though.

STILL NOT WRITING. D: Thinking about writing out all my random little plot ideas. Again. Including fanfiction. (You little bastards always come back around again, don't you?)

House hunting is moving forward at turtle pace, but it is moving. I have managed to save a good amount of money despite "wasting" money on drinking Wednesday, RennFest today, and various food-type-things over the last month. I think we'll be okay.

Ooh. Pretty LJ header.

I'm currently watching Ever After and avoiding things I should actually be doing, as per usual. Such as: I should be scanning in my driver's license to complete my egg donor application. ($10,000 for my eggs if I'm accepted and matched to a recipient!) I should also be piecing together materials/plans/crap/etc. for the upcoming assignments in my methods classes that I need to translate into class with my fifth graders. I was going to try using the first chapter of The Hunger Games for my reading DRA, but I think I'll change it to a short story from one of my two collections. Which I'll need to bring with me tomorrow to plan with Alice.

For my reference, I need to get the following done by the end of this week (my full week at Whetstone): collect two writing samples each from the two students I chose for profiles in Language Arts; complete my DRA for Reading with a small group of kids; pick at least two kids for Math (at least one with a recorded disability of some kind) to assess for understanding in a concept area and plan steps toward addressing any gaps in understanding; conduct Social Studies interview with students; complete midsemester PBA; get photocopy of Language Arts packet from one of the other interns.

ALSO. Print contract for Mirage Games, as if I haven't let that sit long enough. And finish up this egg donor application process. Sooner that's done, the better.

I waver in confidence with the development of Homesake as a young adult novel. I have a name now for all three of Grey's swords (and thus all three of the novels). I'm unsure about this "Grey" thing now because he will start the book as Roan now that I'm starting with his acceptance into the King's Steel. He will still want an alias, but will he be honest with Kayden? Or will he think it's best to just introduce himself as Grey so they aren't overheard in private using his real name?

Also. Stuff going down with roommates making life more interesting/stressful. Dennis' brother and sister-in-law decided to raise the rent. Dennis doesn't have to pay anything (he never has, but at first he made it sound like he did), but Danny, Justin, and I are each expected to pay $350. For Danny and Justin, that's a $100 bump. For me, $200. For Danny and me, it's not worth it. Rent plus electric will be $900 for the two of us. So we're looking very seriously into moving out, even have cousin Justin on board to rent a room with his girlfriend so we can afford a better place. It's the down payment that worries me at the moment. Egg donation could really help, but only if by some miracle I get the fastest process possible. (I really should scan my license in.) There are some nice houses for sale in a really decent area for around $150,000. Alone, we couldn't afford it, but with roomies... definitely.

And if you're wondering why $900/month isn't worth it to live in a house, let me explain: it's a house with no central air or heat, with a roof that leaks, with a driveway that never gets plowed in the winter when it snows, and with various other defects. (They still won't give us a key to the garage. Where do you get off charging that much for this shithole and not letting us use the garage?)

Blah.

Oh where, oh where has she gone?

-pokes self-

I feel like... it would be an awful shame to stop writing altogether until November, even if I did get through Homesake during/after the month. But I don't feel motivated right now, even to sit down and put together plot events or character profiles... even though these are things I need to do now that I've changed the story around so much.

Maybe I should write something else. Or maybe the break would be good. It seems so horribly long, a month and a half, but...

At least I've done homework.

I went to a writers' meetup in Silver Spring yesterday morning. It was alright. I'll probably try it again, but I'm not sure if it's quite what I'm looking for. I have next Saturday off again, so it's not as if I have anything better to do.

I went to Brandon Sanderson's book signing at the Bailey's Crossroads Borders in Virginia Wednesday night. I picked up a copy of The Way of Kings. I also got Danny something called The Ninja Handbook but I think I'm going to return it since he hasn't touched it despite me reminding him, so obviously he doesn't care and it'd be better to get my $15 back. And yesterday after my writers' meetup I got this young adult fantasy, Eon, which I'm almost tempted to read before The Way of Kings but probably won't.

Did I post already that Mockingjay made me bawl? I think so. Suzanne Collins will be in the Arundel Mills Books-A-Million on Thursday, September 23rd, and I am so going. Shane is reading The Hunger Games. If he likes it and his parents let him come, I'll take him. If they won't let him come, I'll get him his own signed copy. I would think it'd be a good, educational-type field trip, but it's also his Back to School Night, so that might take precedence.

Erm. Yeah.

I am full of epic fail. I haven't been writing much. I skipped my third class of a summer class with only 12 meetings and I have the final on Thursday and haven't been paying attention in class anyway. I should have gone if only so I could get my midterm and paper grades back. I guess I don't really care that much. I mean, I hope I get at least a B since I've never gotten a C before. And I seriously doubt I could get less than a C, so I'm not worried about that. It wasn't a very interesting class. Unless I bomb the final, I guess. I should find some way to study. Blah.

It's very hot in this stupid room. Stupid summer.

I'm failing at SynTru. It's not really that much work, but I just haven't felt like pulling the points together for last week, and tomorrow I'm supposed to pull the points together for THIS week... and stuff... blah.

Work's been okay. I've been making good money. I'm still a little slow at side work but I'm doing fine. Occasionally have a dream about being super weeded and not being able to help all my tables. Hate those.

I've been talking to Devon, my cousin, about writing. It's a lot of fun. His writing style is way different from mine, not what I'd ordinarily read. Very rough right now, but with editing could be something someone else would really like to read--it's very descriptive though, where I like writing that keeps moving.

Gotta go meet Danny to eat.

Skipped class today to pick up the new iPhones in Virginia. Got there not long after 9. We talked to them and they said iPhones on each shipment are specific to a particular customer and ours hadn't arrived yet. Which sounded stupid since they had some in the back, just not ours. Why be so damn particular? We preordered, so we should be able to show up and take iPhones home if they're there. But we went to Tysons, ate, watched Knight and Day (which I really enjoyed), and went back around 1. Still no iPhones.

Danny was an asshole to the employees. As annoyed as I was, I knew it wasn't their fault. They were just following company policy, and if you want to yell at someone, it should be the company. Can't blame the employees for not wanting to break policy and risk losing their jobs. But Danny kept harassing them. He claimed that if they really wanted a satisfied customer then they would just give us a pair of the iPhones in the back since obviously the customers they were assigned to didn't care enough to come pick them up.

I get why he's annoyed. He went out there last Tuesday morning for preorders. Got there before they opened to make sure he'd be first so he could get his iPhone right away on the day they came out. But it doesn't matter, because they shipped in some random ass order, so ours didn't get there right away. Yes, it's frustrating, but don't freaking take it out on the employees. I don't get it. Danny's in retail too. He knows that there are policies at Gamestop that he can't break without risking his job. And he's a manager, not just an employee.

So we left just before 2 because I have to work tonight and I didn't want to get stuck in traffic and then barely have time to get dressed and go to work. Got home at 2:30, started watching a Smallville episode, and then they called. Our iPhones came in. So Danny turned around and went back. Lucky him, he gets to sit through traffic. He took my phone, and I'm just realizing how much I use it. It's my napping alarm. Now if I want to nap I actually have to do it in the bedroom. Not that I really have time. I have to leave in just over half an hour. And I'm doing this. Lovely.

I've been trying to think of a way to describe this semester. It's not like drowning. Quite. It's like... lazily floating along on my back, barely afloat... but then occasionally a wave comes in, splashes over me, and I have to doggy paddle like the wind to stay above water for a while, until it calms down again. That's right, doggy paddle. Meh.

( Real life problems... )

Now... some brighter stuff. First the TMI. Don't read if you're squeamish about sexual type stuff. I got a new piercing: a VCH (vertical clitoral hood). I got it last Thursday. It's still healing and I've barely messed with it, but so far I'm pleased. My piercer said to wait a week or two to have sex afterward, but that she only waited five days... I only waited three, and had no problems, although we were very careful about it. /TMI

On to more casual topics. I read Fire, the other book by Kristin Cashore--a companion to Graceling. I still like Graceling a tad more, but Fire was excellent too. I really liked the world presented and how it tied into the seven kingdoms we already knew about in Graceling. It fit together very nicely. It looks like I'll be starting a roleplay in the next couple days set in the world of Fire, actually.

Annndd I haven't started my 100 stories challenge yet, even though it's practically been a week. Fail. But I have gone through a lot of my world building notes, and I've already found stuff I'd nearly forgotten about that will be really fun to play with. The problem for me will mostly be choosing what to write first, I think, haha. That and keeping it short. 100 stories of about 1,000 words each in six months might be manageable, but probably not 100 3,000+ word stories, which has so far been my tendency when it comes to world building in Eysuria.

Finally... I'm really considering making a new character worksheet type deal. I feel like I've mentioned this before... but yes. One that deals in fundamental aspects of character, not the little things like what color their eyes are. Hm.