i will

I'm at Aze's. Dad was saying how they're going to have fun at Six Flags without me, but it's rainy as hell, so I doubt it.

We're in Aze's photography class. At some point -- maybe when I get home -- I think I have a rant/rambling to do. Not right now, though. =/ Concerning:

- trusting my parents
- my dad (always)
- going back to highschool
- a lack of options once I turn 18
- Joe/Aze's neighborhood

I think that's it.

I had this seriously amazing dream last night. I dreamed I was Riku's sister, and he went missing (I guess for the duration of KH), so I was looking for him and stuff. And then when he got back there was this really emotional reunion. We were like the best siblings in the world. Riku was the best in my dream. He'd make a great older brother. =o Because I was younger in the dream. Just a little bit, but younger. Ahh, it made me so happy. And when I woke up, I immediately thought, "I guess I'm a Riku/Sora shipper through and through. Even in my dreams. Haha." Because there wasn't any R/S, but my subconscious could have paired me with Riku, but it just made us siblings. Really awesome siblings.

It was so sweet because Riku was all upset realizing how much his family missed him and cared about him ^^; Awwww. Blah. Best dream EVAR.

I had... an odd dream last night. I got to see Devon again in it, and since we both had cell phones, we were exchanging numbers. I asked Cris to hand me the cell phone, but he threw it and broke it... it still worked, but it looked broken, you know.

We went to a football game or reunion of some sort at Devon's old high school. There were a bunch of old popular girls from his time at school up in a little meeting, and he went to talk to them, and he was going to spray them with this white powdery stuff... lmfao, I think it was supposed to be asbestos (don't even know what it looks like, but that's what I woke up thinking) or Anthrax. I jumped in and protected one of the girls (not even the girl I meant to protect -- apparently I knew one of them), but... yeah. It was... weird.

So when I woke up, I went to look him up online and see if there was anything about him anywhere, but I couldn't find anything. No Devon Stricklin, no Sethaeus even. And when I search for myself as Kherezae, hundreds of results come up, and at least the majority of them are actually me. Nothing for Devon's Sethaeus. I suppose I might have spelled it wrong, but I'm pretty damn sure I didn't. Maybe I should look up his yahoo email. It's still on my yahoo messenger list.

For those of you who don't know, Devon is my cousin. My favorite cousin, but I hardly ever see him anymore. Apparently his mom doesn't know where he is anymore. I tried mailing him a letter, but he had been living at his mom's house, and he's not anymore... so she got it and couldn't give it to him. =/ Such a weird dream. I hadn't even thought of Devon in weeks.

I don't believe in dreams as prophesy though. Or anything like that. I never have. It just seemed weird to suddenly dream of him. I've never dreamed of him at all before that.

Anyway. I haven't done much of anything this weekend. Today we went out to Bolling so mom could give Linda the Home Interiors stuff she ordered, and we dropped Cris off at his friend Patrick's house. Patrick has grown taller, I think. But he still has those thick glasses. He should get contacts. Haha. Anyway, she called Dad to see if he would pick Cris up on his way home from work.

Well, he agreed, but then he forgot (even though mom called to remind him). So when he got home, she'd already eaten, and she told him to eat while she went to get Cris. While she was gone, Dad was prattling on to me about how he totally forgot, but to be fair it wasn't his idea in the first place, blah blah. And then he said, "I wish she hadn't asked me to pick him up." Out of the blue. Not "I wish I hadn't forgotten to pick him up" -- no. He wished she hadn't ask. I asked him why, and he gave me a look. Mom called at some point and he asked if she was going to make him feel guilty when she got back. Apparently she said no, because when he hung up he said, "She said she wasn't going to make me feel guilty, but if she does, I just won't agree to pick up Cris next time. I'll just say, 'No, because I'll forget.' If she's stuck somewhere, too bad."

It struck me as incredibly immature. I can understand if he had said he wouldn't pick him up in the first place. But he agreed to do it, and mom didn't even have to ask him twice to do it. He just agreed. Patrick's house is like two seconds from his work, it's no big deal to go pick Cris up, he just forgot. And mom didn't say anything about it, she just went to get Cris. So I don't get what Dad's problem was.

Well, I guess that's it. I'm supposed to be writing a roleplay introduction, but I'm still numb after finishing KH2, so I'm having difficulty thinking how to start. Huh.

I had a weird/cool dream last night, but I hardly remember it anymore. I just know there were these demon kids being born who looked human but aged super quickly. A lot of them miscarried because they were just too evil for the mothers' bodies to handle, but others made it. I met this group of little preteen devil kids, and one of them was hitting on me despite being so young. It was disturbing. But I ended up sticking around for some reason, and within a couple months he was physically a year or so older than me and very punk looking. I was acting as a sort of spy on these devil children because I knew what they were here for, so I was kind of acting as his girlfriend. So strange.

The dream I mentioned yesterday (?) was even better. I remember it well because I spent half an hour in bed expanding on it. The end result was a little story about a woman who began to trust a man, but her allies told her that he was a spy. The group of them set out traveling with the spy as their prisoner, keeping him tied up at night. After a while, they decided they didn't need to tie him up, though they were still cautious with him. The group of them spent the night in an inn, and the woman started masturbating when she thought everyone else was asleep. The spy heard and got up to help her. Lmfao. That's when I woke up... but it was quite interesting.

Yeah. Roleplaying now.

Three dreams last night/this morning. One with Ashton Kutcher (I guess because I was watching That 70s Show last night), one with the next generation Marauders, and one at Staples o.o Quite a random combination.

( Cuts it cause the edit makes it rather long o.O )

I thought the main computer's internet was just being slow because Dad's downloading so much porn on BitComet, but no, the laptop's internet is being slow too. Ai.

Short update. Seems I only get to update once in the morning now, before I start my schoolwork. -sigh- Anyway. I had a really cool dream last night, but for some reason dreams that seem so cool when I wake up just seem slightly weird when I try to explain them to people. Aze might remember me trying to explain the one with the little Chinese kids and the hangglider type thing we rode down the mountain. Yeah, really cool to dream about. Very weird out loud.

I think last night's dream might have been deemed cool in Cris' book if it wasn't for the bucket. It was awesome because it involved being transported to other worlds, stories... whatever you can imagine. There were angry mermaids and red moons to trap you in the underworld. But the method of transport? A bucket. -_-; Yes. A wooden bucket with water and ice chunks in it (that wasn't, remarkably, cold; it was rather warm, actually) that you stand in.

At least leaving was cool. The first world we had to jump off a cliff and disappear in midair. I dreamed I actually did it. It was like a roller coaster mixed with what I imagine flying to be like. Freaking cool.

Okay, so I've got a lot of stuff to do today. I called Dad and he let me out of teaching Cris today. There's no way I'm going to finish all three things I need to do for Lit today, and I won't have time tomorrow and Saturday because Aze's coming over. But I can at least get a decent chunk done, eh? -sigh- I am so not looking forward to this. Blah. I hate writing essays.

Not so much a rant as a rambling, so I'm going to make myself a new tag for just that. Eh... if my train of thought gets bumpy and retarded, well, it's partly because I am bumpy and retarded and partly because I'm searching for good RPs as I ramble.

Okay, so today has been pretty decent. Or, better put, yesterday was. Today has barely started. I did some work on deafen, albeit not much, wrote a little... roleplayed with xen... went and got new clothes and my eyebrows waxed -- which didn't turn out so hot XD She asked me if I wanted my eyebrows thin or just cleaned up, and I said just cleaned up... so if this isn't thin, I hate to see what is. And I think Dad's right and they're uneven. I could deal if my left eyebrow was slightly higher than my right, not vice versa. But at least it's not totally off... just looks like I'm vaguely intrigued all the time -_-; and eyebrows grow back, for once that's a good thing, eh? Anyway, I got cool new clothes. Two new pairs of jeans, pajama bottoms, two big grey shirts to wear as PJ tops -- the one I'm wearing now is fucking awesome, has four little monkeys and under each it says 'hear no evil' 'see no evil' 'speak no evil' 'have no fun' and the last little monkey with the have no fun underneath is like glaring at the other three. I got... I forgot what mom called them, but basically skirt pants. And a red-purple-y wife-beater/tank, and a greenish one, and patterned gauzy tops to match each -- all that for the party tomorrow and any other casual dress things I have to go to ever. And three tees... patterned nicely, no text though, except the one with the tiger says barely legibly 'peace / love' on it. Mmm... got thigh-high black pantyhose to wear with the stuff tomorrow because all my socks are little ankle bootie type things. Hair bands for in the shower, a clip to try in my hair tomorrow. And little penguin and snowman statues to paint for people for christmas -- six, three of each. I already have hemp things to make Ash and Lisa, so I'm pretty set on gifts unless I want to get something special for someone, I suppose.

Which reminds me, Aze suggested that we not exchange gifts for Christmas, and I said we should do something instead. For now the plan is ice-skating/movie/stayupveryverylate. Kinda like me right now. Anyway, sounds like a plan to me.

Mom #2 emailed me finally and she actually got my emails... ^_^ Made me feel all bubbly inside. She sent me pictures of the family. Daniel's grown some, but basically looks the same. Andy can drink! He turned 21! But he looks the same too. And Tim is growing his hair out XD He looks so old. I mean... really. He's 6' now according to mum2, and the hair doesn't hurt even if it does look odd since I'm not used to it. I mean... wow. I miss him again =/ I had a dream about him a few days ago, short but sweet. I was getting on a bus and he was on it, but for some reason I didn't sit next to him at first... but then I had to move up from the seat I took in the back, and he just looked at me, and I sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder. I don't think we said anything the whole dream, it was just... familiar, company... ahhh. I think Grey's getting into my head, that's the sort of dream he would have.

Alright, moving on... deafen. It needs so much work. I have to figure out wordpress and efiction 2.0, both big jobs... particularly wordpress since I've never fucked with it before. Ahhh. But obviously it's possible, lookit all the pretty sites out there who use it with sexied layouts! Ahh, this could prove to be interesting. And fucking annoying. But I'll get through it, I always do. Coding... huh. I suppose I really do like coding. It's not like writing, it's more structured. You can see tangibly if you're doing it wrong, if you've fucked up. Not like writing. But it can also be way more frustrating. Much less freeform.

I think I've come up with a system for dealing with my writing. I love fanfiction because you've got this rigid structure and this idea you want to get out, and you have to write it in such a way that you don't betray the structure you're building from even if you weave twisted webs all up over it. It's still there. It's a challenge, even if the basis is someone else's. So solution: make the rigid frame for my own world. It may take time... gods know it took forever to get Eysuria so solid that it almost feels like this living entity and then also this book set in stone that I can add to and make connections in but not actually change or betray. Anyway, from now on any seedling fanfic ideas I get are going into original fiction. Find a way to connect it in. The challenge of fitting it is so... great. I love mind games, I suppose. I'm working on fitting in Elemental Force in Eysuria, and by necessary proxy parts of LoZ. Wow. Mostly it's steeping in my mind since there are things taking priority... nano, Dragonsbane, deafen. But I dunno. It's great.

Roleplaying... gah. It's gone to hell on neopets. Some AG sites look great, but the ones that do are the ones that require major effort just to understand enough to join. They have these huge complex plots like something I would make, and I realize just how much of a pain in the ass all that detail can be.

I love trying to put new and original spins on rps without going, "That new shit! I are teh more original than you!" I know people are more creative than me. I don't try to pretend I'm going to come up with something no one ever has before. But I do try to make characters that are real and aren't necessarily the rping norm. And I try to play originals to fandom genres in character but also deep. Like real people. Auuggh.

I wanna create so many RP things. Communities. On Deafen, but without making new XMB forums... which probably isn't going to happen, so oh well. I want to make 'The Dark Alliance'. Original rps welcome... but aimed more toward rpers who love to take fandom plots and turn them into these deeper, darker messes than you actually see in the show/book/whatever without totally mutilating the canon. Almost like in fanfiction, like on sycophant hex. You see all this angsty dark stuff... I dunno why, but that appeals to me sometimes. I hate having to hurt characters, make the ending bad... whatever... but it's so real. And so much more fun, more complex.

I'm waiting on Lisa. We're supposed to start an Avatar RP. I want one very badly, but all the ones I've come across suck. Neopets really has gone to shit, there aren't any on avidgamers (if I could use ag1 and they hadn't fucked with these google ad banners, I'd so make one myself), and the proboards/invisionfree ones I've seen are completely lame. Some are well put together, but the roleplaying level there is so low. Lisa can write, at least, I know that for sure. This will be fun, if not dark and angsty... but it's Avatar, I dunno, that show wasn't made to be too dark and angsty.

Someone's been wandering around upstairs, it's scaring me.

So there's the party tomorrow and I'm going to Aze's, huzzah. That also means I'll get next to nothing done on deafen etc, particularly with dad home... but I suppose I'll get some schoolwork done for a change?

I guess I'm done rambling. That was fun.

I had a few cool dreams last night. In one I was playing this video game and I was trying to beat some bonus levels that there were no walkthroughs for. (Random, yes, but whatever.) I'm pretty sure it was a Zelda game, but on the computer.

The next dream I was mad at my dad because he was being a dick, it was raining inside the house, and the rain was washing away the clothes I folded. I emailed my mom because Dad was being a bitch... and... I don't really remember the rest.

The next dream was ... based off of Saw and Saw II or something. There were these huge undergroundish rooms filled with deadly traps like buzz saws, gooze, spikes that drop down to kill you if you walk to slowly over a pressure/motion sensitive strip... The point was to get through a bunch of these rooms and get a series of weapons left by the kings (or some equivalent) of something or other until you had all the old weapons and the most recent ones, and that made you the new king. It wasn't me in the dream -- I mean I was in it at some point fighting with my brother because he was playing around with the maneating gooze, but the main dream was about someone else -- and this guy got all the weapons and became the new king... and then he forged his own new set of weapons and started making his own trap chamber to challenge the next person who tried to become king.

And I had like a midget dream where I was back at Gramsie's and I painted this poster to hang on my wall... some little phrase about freedom with my name underneath it o.o

And the last dream was like a meld of Smallville and Buffy and something else entirely. I was like a soldier at war, but I was me... maybe a little older, though... and there were these androids that were most of the war's intelligence because they received and printed out messages from soldiers and stuff. The androids looked mostly human, but most of them didn't have real personalities and they had lots of shit programmed in keeping them in line and devoted to our side of the war... but there was one that was programmed that way, and it was Spike. XD Well, my commander received a message from one of the soldiers that he wanted found -- 222452, or 222542, doesn't really matter -- and assigned me with Spike to find him. Spike was all human-like aside from having a monitor somewhere... don't remember where, but I think he could hide it most of the time... and somewhere to print out messages... I think in place of a belly button XD Wow. Anyway, I was talking to him and asking if he could get the map coordinates from where someone sent a message, but people were noisy and paying too much attention, and he seemed uncomfortable or something... so we went around the side of a building and sat under the stairs. I don't remember most of the conversation... mostly I remember that he looked like Smallville Spike but had a little bit of a British accent, and I believe we were talking about how he hadn't been restrictively programmed so that he couldn't think for himself. I got the impression he had doubts about our side of the war. Then some bimbo and a guy soldier she was walking with (they were both soldiers...) saw us under the stairs and started asking questions about what was going on and why I was under there with that weird android... haha... So I came out and yelled at her, basically, "The commander put me on a mission, if you want to know what the hell I'm doing, ask him! In the meantime, FUCK OFF!" So she and Mr. Bimbo started to go up the stairs, talking to each other quite audibly about how shifty Spike-android was. I sat next to Spike again and I was rubbing my thumb against his arm like he needed comfort from what a couple of idiots were saying... o.o Er. Anyway, he told me that the soldier was... basically Oz from Buffy, haha, but he gave a whole name, and I was like, "Yeah, I went to highschool with him." And then Spike got some rough landmarks to help limit the search for Mr. Soldier -- very, very rough, like the Transcontinental Divide and some other stuff. I think the Nile was mentioned. o.o That must have been my brain frying. Anyway, that was about the time Dad woke me up, which pissed me off.

Wow. Busy night for my brain. I wonder what the hell that was all about.