i will

Recap of events leading up to awkwardness:

For those who don't know, Morgan is Danny and my friend. We met her through Danny's work when he was still commuting over to Virginia. She worked at the Starbucks there, and then he hired her when she applied to Gamestop. There was a fairly brief time period when I was jealous of Danny's relationship with her which started when our texting bill was outrageously high for the first time due to all the texts Danny had been sending to her, resulting in us having to get unlimited texting. (It was, seriously, retarded.) Anyway, this jealousy was due to some serious parallels between us: we had and have tons in common, and she reminded me of me back when Danny started dating me, right down to her working at Starbucks and him being her supervisor.

I got over this just fine in time because Danny and I have a trusting relationship and because he assured me it was more like a big brother relationship (which makes perfect sense seeing as he's eight years her elder, which is a lot when you're considering she was underage at the time). Some posts on the issue from back when it WAS an issue, in order chronologically: here, here, here, and here. They show a clear progression from mildly worried to almost irrationally angry to starting to get over it but still annoyed. (Also, I didn't link it, but I found the entry about his texting with her: he went over by 300 texts that month, more than double the texts our plan allotted at the time, and cost us $30.)

Anyway, pretty boring since then. We don't get to hang out with Morgan much when we're all so busy and she's in Virginia while we both live and work in Maryland now. So Saturday was her birthday, and I forgot to take off work so I could hang out when she came over that evening. I told them I'd try to get off as early as possible but I wasn't sure how plausible it would be, and told them to come visit me at work, so they did. And then they went home (to Danny's parents' house, since we were puppy sitting) and hung out and started drinking for the three-ish other hours I still ended up working, and then I came home and joined them, and we had a fun night other than Danny kidney-punching me and twisting my thumb in a more painful way than usual, which made me angry at him all night but I pushed it away to have fun for Morgan until we went to bed.

( So yesterday when I got off work, I asked Danny if he wanted me to come by his midnight release, and he said yeah, there was something he wanted to talk to me about. )

ETA: Talked to Danny. Feel all better. :D

Trying to catch up with school after a completely wasted spring break (when it comes to schoolwork anyway). I finished my lab report but I still have to print it out along with the little sheet things for the two primary sources I chose. I have to fill those two out but I doubt it can take long, which is why I decided to let it wait for morning.

I did all my French work, finished it two days early, hoping to keep that trend up. Last unit I forgot to do half until it was too late so I lost half the credit. And I already lost ten points for missing a quality assignment. That's twenty points out of 1,000 lost for stupid reasons. Not much if I do well on everything else but still a pain in the ass. I do well on all the quizzes and stuff... tomorrow I need to study the little culture notes though, I haven't really even looked at them yet. (I have a quiz tomorrow in French.)

I really want to make a roleplay site, it's so sad. I'm not even sure how much I want to roleplay, but I want to make the site. Morgan's into roleplaying and it semi-revived the spark. I'm holding myself back because she isn't showing too much interest in roleplaying with me and I know if I get OCD about it again it'll interfere with the already limited time I leave myself to do schoolwork. But if she seemed into it I'd probably be all over it, haha. I sent her some of my writing... we'll see what goes down.

Went to Jenn's bridal shower Saturday, it was nice. Naturally made me dream I was engaged to Danny that night, but surprisingly enough the only real thought I took away from the dream was "Hey, he actually found a ring that fits!" Lol. When we were drinking last night watching Twilight (because you can really only watch it with a little alcohol, I mean honestly), we were talking about how... it speaks to how much he trusts and loves me that he talks so openly about Morgan because he knows he doesn't have to worry about me acting threatened the way other girls would by him having a close friendship with a girl. And how I still feel it's weird but I trust him so completely that I realize my feelings of weirdness are pointless because it's not like he'd ever do anything to even make me feel betrayed, much less actually betray me.

Hm. He mentioned how normal girls in normal relationships couldn't take the thing with Morgan. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it's because we're further along in our relationship than a lot of people get in two years. In a lot of ways we already act like a married couple, and married couples are infamous for their workwives and workhusbands. Which is kind of what Morgan is.

Haha. I love him, as usual.

So I tried weed for the first time Wednesday night. And probably the only time. I really hated it. I was already drunk, which probably contributed, but it was a really scary feeling. I felt completely disconnected. I had this weird moment that I'm never going to be able to explain properly, but it was sort of like I realized reality was just an endless loop, and I could see every thread of it, and it was terrifying. I just wanted to piece back together the threads that made the reality of that moment so that I wouldn't have that terrifying floaty disconnected feeling, and even if the reality I returned to was an illusion, at least it wasn't so completely depressing. It was a horribly real feeling. I could feel it slipping away as I came down, and I knew, I remember thinking to myself, this feeling will fade and later I won't remember the true depth of it. But at the time I know it was terrifying. And it seemed to last forever.

I was so alone in my head. I don't know how Danny or Alicia were affected. I don't know anything else that went on outside my head, except I know we were watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily dressed up as a parrot for Halloween because I was focusing on that trying to pull reality back together. That, and then Danny's hand on mine, and his pink shirt with the flowers on it.

So yeah. I don't want to do it again. I might one day consider brownies if there's no alcohol involved, but not anytime soon I think.

I also just got an email from my dad saying Mom told him how much repairs on my car cost and I'm to pay her back as soon as possible. I was like, "Gee, thanks Dad." I've already tried a little. She wanted to buy a giftcard for Danny's parents to their favorite restaurant for taking such good care of me, but I told her to let me buy it with my money, and she should put whatever money she was going to use on it toward her credit card. I didn't need any prompting for that. I feel bad about how much my car cost to fix. And it's not like I did anything to break it, even. It's just an old car. It's done so well for its age, to be honest. It has working AC, no major defects... I think it's just mad because I don't wash it enough.

Um yeah. I guess that's it. Except I plan to submit my WotF entry that just got Honorable Mention to Realms of Fantasy magazine, see if I can get some money out of that.

I'm pretty red from tanning yesterday. I think she put me on new bulbs because I didn't burn the last couple of times before yesterday. When she asked, "New bulbs or old?" I shrugged and said, "Eh, old are fine." So I guess it's possible she gave me new since I made it pretty clear it didn't matter. I don't mind, I'm just waiting for the red to turn to tan since being slightly lobsterish isn't very attractive.

I've started using the Bowflex. Just a little; I don't want to bulk up at all, just tone and lengthen or whatever. So I've got a couple leg exercises and a couple arm exercises, and occasionally I try the rowing function but it's very annoying compared to using an actual rowing machine.

Ash sent me a package of birthday/Christmas gifts she's been meaning to send for the last couple of years. Ah, I love that girl, and I miss her so much. She got me a little stuffed moose, a necklace (which the moose is wearing as a bridle), pirate earrings, a book by Stephen King on writing, and a gigantic "Don't make me go Zelda on you" shirt (which she said maybe I could use as pajamas... or a tent XD). There were also three cards and a letter.

I haven't sent her anything in a long time, though I used to send her all kinds of stuff. I definitely will again as soon as I find something/have money/have an excuse (one or some combination of these)... and it will probably involve dragons. Apparently even Danny associated Ash with dragons because of how strongly I do. x)

So I'll be applying at Hooters tomorrow. I was supposed to today, but Danny had to work. It gave me time to stop by Target and get a nice white bra since I won't be able to wear my black one under the white Hooters top.

Also Danny's getting sick, and I knew it before he did. It's one of those things that makes me realize how close we are, that little differences in him that show he's getting sick stand out to me. Like how his throat had a little tickle, which might have been nothing, except he was tired earlier than usual (he said it was because he needed to get up early but that doesn't normally make him tired, especially not at 11:30), and his skin was cool to my touch when normally he's so much warmer than me. My baby.

So they're doing inventory this week at GameStop, which only occurs once a year and is a Very Big Deal. So Danny went in really early yesterday to get some preemptive work done, went home for a while and napped a bit, then went back in for a while to make sure some other stuff got done. Today is the actual inventory, so he didn't have to go in until five, but he'll have to stay until it's done, which could reasonably be three in the morning. Then tomorrow he has to be at some team meeting or something at 8:30 or so until one, then go in to work closing one-thirty to ten. And he closes Saturday. I told him it sucks... it'd be so much better if he at least opened Saturday, because then he might be able to leave early. But if he closes, he has to come in on time, and obviously he can't leave early because they need the AM there to close.

He said he might see if he can switch with the opener Saturday. For him it's not that he might get off early, it's just that he'll be able to come pick me up before eleven at night. Plus opening's usually a little easier. It was the same at Starbucks. Openers didn't have to worry about cleaning up like closers did. At GameStop, openers worry less about doing trade-ins and whatever else.

Danny likes it there, and I'm glad, because it's a great job for him. The hours are long though, especially for salaried workers. The usual work day is nine hours, sometimes more. Like at Starbucks the longest you'd be scheduled for was eight and a half hours, and that extra half hour was a lunch, so you were only actually working eight. A typical opening shift for Danny is nine to 6:30. Nine hours and a half-hour lunch. Haha. I mean, there's definitely worse, it's just... different. Starbucks seriously spoiled me in terms of policy.

Okay, so I've been tinking away at Eysuria with a little mental chisel, working stuff out. I know I keep talking about it. I've made good progress in concept and such. At some point I'll have to settle down and write, though, and that's been my weakness lately.

I got an email from Writers of the Future inviting me to the celebration for winners, but I don't know if I actually won anything yet. This was my first time entering, so for all I know all entrants get that invitation. Hopefully this means I'll get back notice one way or the other soon, though. I checked the mail all hopeful today, but nothing.

At first the email got my hopes all up, but then I reread the story I entered, and I'm back to healthy doubting. Especially after skimming some of the old winning stories. Thing is, I want to enter until I win, if I ever win. But I also want to submit to writing magazines, paying magazines, and if you get published you become ineligible for the contest. I don't know if one story in a magazine would be sufficient, but I think so. I'd have to reread the rules. I suppose I could just submit separate stories to each until one or the other happens.

Yep. And I can't wait to move out. To live in the dorms. I love my mom, but I'm ready to be on my own. Ugh. And the fact that Danny and I would be living together if we could only makes it worse. I love him so much. I'm really not sure whether my mom realizes how close we are.

I wrote this huge letter to my friend Ash in Alaska... part I wrote on Christmas, part the day before Valentine's Day. I still haven't mailed it. I'm splitting it up into several parts and posting it here. I don't expect anyone to read it -- it's way too long -- but it'll be here for me to look back on.

( letter to ash part one )

I had a great weekend, absolutely terrific. Danny's so sweet, such a traditionalist, not like me at all. Tradition can be great (it was this weekend), but I also like (and sometimes prefer) spontaneous stuff, I guess making new traditions.

He cooked for me. Did a whole meal thing. Served salad in martini glasses, lol, and then the main course -- chicken cacciatore, which was delicious... Danny was proud, haha, and I definitely enjoyed it. And last dessert, a piece of this heart-shaped cake I saw him and his mom making earlier (and that I rescued from the oven when I was the only one in the house when the timer went off). It was all very beautiful, on china with wine in wine glasses and candle light... I hate wine, but it was certainly a nice picture.

And of course we were both dressed up nice. We'd each seen each other's outfits before, but it was still very nice. We'd never dressed up at the same time before, and he'd just had a haircut and a shave, which was very fucking hot. Haha. I wore lotion with glitter in it and jewelry I hadn't worn before (except his Batman necklace, I always wear that). I even changed my earrings, shock and amazement -- I never do that. Speaking of which, I need to put those back in... Anyway, I also did up my hair... not especially nice, but different from what I usually do, which was a change. And I wore skyscraper heels, lol. But only for a little bit, they came off as soon as we sat down to eat and got left upstairs.

I loved it. I love that he'd do that for me. And the traditionalism is adorable. I'm a girl at heart -- I love the candle light and the dressing up, and him telling me I'm beautiful.

Before we left Friday night, while I was waiting for him to get home from work, I was talking to mom... how did we get on the subject? Oh, because I was being impatient, and mom said something like it's just because I love him more than anyone else right now... and then she said, "No, let's call it what it is: lust."

I was kind of surprised. My parents have been so supportive -- in contrast with Tim, they've shown they actually like Danny, and I didn't recognize the difference until it happened. They never said anything bad about Tim, they just never said anything good. It was a kind of feeling of resigned acceptance with Tim.

Except since they decided Danny's front tires are too bald and unsafe but he refused to change them because we looked it up and they're still safe according to everything we read on the internet, there have been little comments. Like when I lost my keys and Danny insisted they weren't at his place, he looked all over for a missing Wiimote and would have seen them along the way if they'd been there... I said, "You weren't looking for them, though, so you might have missed them," but he was insistent he would have seen them. (He was right. They'd fallen behind my desk at home.) Dad, though, said sarcastically, "It's good to know he cares enough to actually look for them." Stuff like that. Oh, and the thing that actually really bothered me, when my dad compared Danny to Uncle Matt for not changing his tires... I know how highly my parents regard Uncle Matt (/sarcasm), and it kind of pissed me off to have Danny compared to him.

I'm completely in love with him. I wasn't even too bothered by mom saying that. I didn't genuinely argue, I just said offhandedly, "No, it's love." She disagreed, but I left it alone. I dunno. My parents tend to have pretty good instincts, but they're also very harsh when it comes to judging whether someone's being good to me. The thing with Yuka, they were making comments, like my dad saying she wasn't being a good friend when she ignored my comfort and smoked in the car on the way to Baltimore, even when I said something about it. Which is true, but one thing by itself doesn't necessarily mean a friendship is sour. It was everything added up that led to the breakdown of mine and Yuka's friendship.

Besides, his tires may not be in the best condition, but we looked it up... 1/16th of an inch of tread is bald, and when that happens, there are tread wear indicator bars that show in the tires. I figure tire companies would have the most to gain from having you replace your tires more often by saying the tread is unsafe sooner, so... whatever. My parents are just overcautious sometimes. And they aren't there to see most of what occurs between me and Danny, so they have very little perspective on the situation.

I know how much I care about him, and I can see how much he cares about me. He's so good to me. He's fucking beautiful. I've been thinking too far ahead. I almost said that I get to plan the next Valentine's Day before I realized that's a whole year from now.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I guess I knew, but it struck me last night. It's been nearly three months and it still feels as exhilarating and perfect as at the beginning, if not moreso. No... definitely moreso. I love him so much.

( Thoughts... )

The cat's so cute. Did I ever say we got a new kitten? It's been almost a month, I think. I doubt I mentioned him here. But he's so adorable. They gave him a bath and Cris brought him in here all damp, and he laid out on my bed like "OMGSAFETY." He's got the most beautiful fucking eyes. Haha. He's just starting to get really lively as opposed to sleeping most of the time.

Hm. I'm hungry.

Okaaay so. I think I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know people at all, because there's a lot of stuff I don't get. I mean, there are things I can understand when I put it together in my head later, thinking, but other people just know it right away because of intuition. But it feels good to me to figure it out later. I'm learning.

I'm so clueless, lol. I'm not gonna go into it now because my brother's rattling off movie titles in my ear. But Yuka and I worked things out. And people are weird about relationships. When I break up with someone or let go or whatever, it's just gone. I don't get jealous if a friend wants to go out with my ex. I mean, Travis and Alicia, hello. I think Alicia expects me to have lingering feelings, but I don't. Maybe it's because I've never had a bad breakup. I've never been broken up with (not that that was the case with Danny, but whatever), and I've never had a bad breakup mutually or with me ending the relationship. I like to keep things simple.

Maybe I'm really, really selfish, lol. It's either that or realistic, and of course I'd prefer the latter, but whatever. I remember when my friendship with Cassie went sour. I don't know, it's not that big a deal. I'm of the opinion that if a friendship isn't good for you, it's okay if it kind of fades or even ends abruptly, because you'll probably be better off, and so will the other person involved. That doesn't mean you should be a bad friend or do stupid shit, but if you grow apart and find you've developed irreconcilable differences... oh well.

Or maybe. Not. Because the thing with Keith never sat well with me. It's more like if I recognize that someone isn't the sort of friend I need. That's why it sounds selfish. I mean, I try my damnedest to be a good friend, but there are some things that are just my character that I'm not going to change. Not a lot of things, because if I know it's bad character on my part, then I'm gonna try to change. But there are some things that just don't fit between people, and it's nothing wrong with either of them. It just doesn't work.

Thank god I'm not actually in a situation like that, I've just been thinking about it. I overthink a lot. I told Danny I do it too.

I dunno what's up, but I've been having a horrible time the last few days. I mean... not like I'm completely miserable all the time, but I've never had so much bad stuff happen to me so close together. I just never was that person -- I've always had a charmed life. I guess it's gotta break sometime.

Friday I overslept and missed school. I could have gone in time for second period, but it was raining, and I didn't want to walk to metro unless I had to. I probably already talked about that here, so yeah.

Yesterday I was really late to work for the first time. I didn't think I worked at all. She called me fifteen minutes after I was supposed to have gotten there, and by the time I made it in, I was an hour late. As if I don't have few enough hours these days... I felt so horrible because it was completely my mistake, I'd been thinking it was still last week. I had the right times written down in my agenda, I just had last week's times in my head. But the bright side here: it was really slow at work, so it didn't really cause a problem, just made me feel bad.

And today I was a stupid idiot and left my bag in the gym when we went outside to walk laps. Coach even told us to bring our valuables, but I thought, who leaves their valuables in their bag besides me? Who'd even check? I got back and my bag was gone.

Well, we found the bag eventually. One of the guys found it in the boys' locker room. But my cell phone was gone, as was the money in my wallet, my debit card, and my smart trip. And my mp3 player. We cancelled the debit card and phone, so frankly what worries me most is the mp3 player, because there's no way I'm getting that back. I only had $2 on my smart trip, plus a $33 paper card, but I didn't have to pay for them, and neither did anyone in my family. I imagine there's some kind of insurance on my phone... and I'll get a new debit card mailed to me free of charge. Though I do need to go make sure it wasn't used before the cancellation went through.

It was a stupid mistake, but I guess I had to have my trust broken at some point. It's hard to believe someone would just walk off with my bag and steal everything out of it. The way I'm feeling now, I realize just how naive I am, because I know -- theoretically -- that there are bad people out there, but it just seems so... impossible. How can you just take what isn't yours? Something that big, something that could seriously fuck stuff up for someone?

Central has the worst security, though. The only advice the guards could offer was to suspend my cell phone's service. I mean, I understand you can't search the whole school for the kid who stole it. Yuka doubts they were even there anymore. But honestly, the number of kids just wandering the hallways in the middle of class is ridiculous. Shouldn't the school keep an eye out for that? Make sure the kids go to class?

It's particularly irritating because of uniforms. I have such mixed feelings about uniforms. The point is to reduce theft and violence and shit like that, but uniforms just started this week, and this is the first time I've ever been stolen from. It isn't that we need uniforms, it's that the school needs to get off its ass and actually patrol the hallways.

God, uniforms. Central went about them entirely the wrong way. The Supreme Court hasn't set a standard yet. But from what reading I've been doing, I can see that in other schools with uniforms there are at least one of three things: a parental opt-out policy, a chance for kids who don't want uniforms to go to another school, and/or financial aid. Especially the latter. And uniforms aren't supposed to be that expensive, based on the sums I've seen. But not only does Central not offer any of these options, the uniforms it tried to force us to buy at first were crazy expensive. It's illegal to do that, too -- force the kids to buy their uniforms from one company, no financial aid at all, just you have to do this. Only recently did the school start saying no, you don't have to buy from this one company, just get the right color and style. It reeks of wrongness.

I hate these uniforms on principle. I didn't buy the ridiculous ones they insisted on at first. We went out and got the right color and style, and I actually like what we found, surprisingly. So it's not that I have a problem wearing them on that level. It's just so wrong to force uniformity on kids, to insist on squashing individuality and self-expression. And another part of me says that there are other ways to express yourself. And there are places in the world where uniforms are the norm, not even questioned. It's such a can of worms.

The initial guidelines were so ridiculously strict. They were absolutely designed to smother expression of self in your appearance. But they can't enforce such strict guidelines, I doubt they'll even try, seeing the start they've gotten off to.

I want to rebel, but at the same time, I fought to get into this school. I can fight to make it better, yes, but up to what point? I can't get suspended or expelled. I wanted this school. And yes, this fight is a part of it. So is getting stolen from, apparently; now I know better than to be so trusting. Never leave my shit lying around. I needed to learn that, obviously.

So there are things I will do. I will research, I will put together information... and I'll dye my hair crazy colors, and I'll wear pins on my clothing, and I'll do whatever other crazy shit I can manage while still wearing the uniforms they demanded.

It's depressing to look around and see everyone dressed the same. In the mornings, everywhere it's khaki pants. The shirts aren't so bad; kids wear jackets and overshirts, not to mention backpacks, to school. Whatever.

The ID annoyed me enough. But I decided if the teachers have to wear it, I can be mature enough to wear mine too. That's fine. But teachers don't have to wear uniforms. It's ironic on so many levels. Teachers can work somewhere else; most of these kids have no choice in where they go to school. But I did. But I'm still the one putting up a fuss.

I don't want to be the one who doesn't speak up against these things. I shouldn't take so much shit from Brandy, but most of the time I do. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should half the time. I'm very easy going, I'm only now beginning to realize how much so. I don't get riled easily. I wasn't even all that upset about getting stolen from. Dumbfounded, certainly. And I cried a little on the phone talking to mom, but I think that was mostly confronting her with this stupid thing that happened. And it was only a little.

Insanity.

Happier things. I finished Mistborn, and oh man that guy's good. When he commented on my journal, I was absolutely stunned... and after a moment, I realized that a part of my mind was thinking of him as Kelsier the character, not Brandon Sanderson the author. But that's beside the point. It's great that he's that active with his fans, he can just stumble across one of them and spare time to say hello or offer some friendly advice. That is absolutely the way I want to be ifwhen I get published. Not to mention that good. I'm sad to have finished, but ecstatic to know what happened. The book seems so complete, with only one fairly clear thread that could run into another book (that I noticed), that it's hard to believe the bit on the jacket flap about this book being the first in a trilogy... but I look forward to it.

I could just ramble about it, but it's best not to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't read it. (Not that anyone reads my journal, random passersby notwithstanding.)

Obviously I need to finish writing my own. I kind of stopped to start reading again. Most of the time, writing and reading don't go that well together for me, not if the book I'm reading is very good. I'd rather spend extra moments absorbing the book, getting closer to the finish, than writing. Haha. But that's it, I'm out of books for a time, at least ones that truly strike me -- there are others I could read, but they wouldn't be the can't-put-me-down sort of books.

Egan's birthday was yesterday, ahh. He's so adorable. Said he felt like a little kid when he got the knives I sent him. I'm glad. It makes me smile thinking of it. I didn't get to talk to him much, but hey, every minute's worth it.

Why are goodbyes the best? Hugs at the end of the night, goodbyes at the end of a conversation. Even the great goodbye when he left for Seattle led to something... perfect.

I love him. Still feels a little odd.

I remember when it was new, and I got the impression that once you make a promise with him, you keep it. I made a promise... and it was delayed, I didn't get to it until he was already gone, but I did it. And I reminded him. And he admitted that he hadn't expected me to keep that particular one. But I think he remembers it, and knows that if we make a promise, I know to keep it.

We promised last night that in three years, we would drop everything (after sufficient preparation, of course) and spend one year living in the wild, just on survival skills and the like. At first I was a little hesitant. I hate camping with my parents, haha. But then I think of it from a different view, the view that directly or indirectly moves almost every single thing in my life: the view of a writer. It would be such a great thing to experience, just to know what it's like. And I want to learn things like archery and the like -- what better time to learn?

There's this thing about choosing to do something of your own volition. I hate camping with my parents for various reasons, most particularly the lack of showering and sleeping in a tent (I hate the feeling of waking up in a tent), but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Choosing to do it on my own is something entirely different. Maybe there's a bit of pride in it... most likely, actually.

I suppose I've made this long enough. I make entries far too long sometimes.