i will

I wrote until I got tired of writing... again, I don't expect anyone to read it, it's far too long. It's just here for me to stumble on some day in the future.

( letter to ash part two )

I have never been the sort to get depressed. Ever. I'm a bit of an optimist, sometimes too much of an idealist -- I understand that the world doesn't work the way it should, but sometimes it still gets to me. I can see realistically, but that doesn't mean it doesn't upset me to see injustice, even the little things.

But for the last week or two... I think it's stress. I've always lived a pretty charmed life. I've had little problems, but I've never been stressed out by them -- I could always handle them because they weren't too serious all at once. ( Now, though. )

There's just a lot of stuff going on right now. And I wish Danny would fucking answer the phone. ;_;

Okay, so.

I found out today at work that Michelle is almost certainly leaving here... in a month or so. And if she leaves, I have this feeling that work will just fall apart. Brandy is just not manager material. She hasn't gotten better in the three to four months she's been managing Starbucks -- things have been going downhill. We ran out of white mocha at the beginning of the week (the shipment doesn't come until Thursday) and only had any today because we borrowed from another store. We ran out of pastry bags on the paper shipment day and didn't have any new ones in the shipment. Had to borrow from another store. Today we were out of vanilla, caramel, and toffeenut syrup. And soy. We've been using sugar-free vanilla syrup we borrowed from Seattle's Best in the Borders.

We're always running out of stuff. The store is a mess. And Brandy doesn't know how to treat her employees either. She's humiliated and frustrated Yuka into tears, and me nearly to the point of snapping at her and/or walking out. She'll say stuff about us that's insulting to appease the customers, but we'll get complaints from the customers about how rude she is. And she gossips. I hate a gossip. I hate standing there hearing someone talk about someone else behind her back.

Half the time she's in the back or sitting talking to a friend of hers who came into the store.

Ugh. It's tolerable because I hardly ever work with her, and when she's in the back or chatting up a friend at least she's out of the fucking way... so it only really gets bad when a rush hits, which is quite rare overall since I don't work with her that often to begin with.

Dad says he and mom are discussing the possibility of moving back onto Bolling, to Bellevue. At first I absolutely despised the idea, though I didn't say as much, I just started thinking about it. But now... it's ish. I mean, there are advantages and disadvantages, conveniences and inconveniences -- it'd probably all balance out.

I would have to leave Starbucks, which is good and bad. Bad because Starbucks pays so well, it'd be hard to find a decent replacement job. Good because that store is just unravelling, so it'd be nice to get away, even if I'd miss most of my coworkers.

I'd be able to start Tae Kwon Do again. I'd be within walking distance (or at least safe biking distance) of so much more -- the BX, the convenience store, the commissary, the Burger King, the library, the pool... I could probably find two jobs if I wanted, if I could get set hours for at least one of them. There are so many kids that live in the area, even some I know already, haha. It's safer...

But then I wouldn't live so near to Yuka. It'd be easier to see Alicia, I think, since her mom goes to Bolling pretty regularly, but also harder to see Yuka.

And the move itself would be damned inconvenient; we'd have to move ourselves. I just got settled in my newly rearranged room. I'd have to metro to school everyday, and that's if the school didn't object to a move out of district. It wouldn't be nearly as easy to get to springfield and pentagon city because I'd have to bus to the station, and Dad doesn't trust Anacostia, military people get jumped there.

Yeah, I think it balances out. Plus, a new adventure, man. Having to get hired again, job references, learning all that junk. Managing school and a new job and Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, it would be fun.

I guess I'm a hopeless optimist... ha.

But I do want to know, like for certain. The parents haven't even remotely made up their minds yet.

Ahhh. Turns out Yuka was half-right. About Egan. And stuff always happens to create a convenient out of our more awkward conversations, like the internet booting one of us off for a minute... so... huh.

I've gotta go to bed.