karriezai: ([hg] betting on you)
Okay, so, life. I had my meeting with Suzanne... was both worse than and not as bad as I expected. Tracy thinks I'm behind on school work and I've been taking off days/being late to try to play catch up, and not talking to her about it. Which is far from the case. So, not quite what I expected, but at least she doesn't (exactly) think I'm a huge slacker. On the other hand, Suzanne warned me to expect Tracy to look in on me. Didn't happen this week between MSAs and Tracy having jury duty, but apparently I can expect her to pop in and see if I'm doing everything properly. I mean, I don't have the lesson plan book I'm supposed to, but aside from that... I do what I'm supposed to, so it should be okay.

I gained a ton of respect for Tracy at the seminar today. She let the class rant for an hour about how unreasonable and condescending our reading assessment professor is at the university and gave us advice on how to handle it. Very frank, helpful advice. And she demonstrated yet again how knowledgeable she is about classroom management. She has a treasure trove of random examples/experiences I never in a million years would have imagined. I'll be honest; I let my view of her as a supervisor color my view of her as a teacher. She's a fantastic teacher. She's not even a bad supervisor, she just has certain ways about her that don't mesh with my style, for lack of a better description.

Life is hectic. Danny is amazing through all of it, as I was practically bragging to Katie today. He drove to Whetstone during rush hour yesterday to fix my random flat tire, and drove my car for me today to get it fixed while I was at my internship. The thing with Morgan was hard, but I really think it made our relationship even stronger in the end. I think we both appreciate what we have more. I love the hell out of that man, and he's always showing the ways he cares about me.

My classmates are in a panic over our reading assessment class with Brie; I've had her before and she's crazy and condescending, but I'm making a high A in her class (I've only lost half a participation point overall so far, everything else has perfect marks) and although the upcoming workload seems overwhelming, I know I'll get through it like I always do. I did volunteer to speak to her with a couple other students about our concerns though--based on the advice Tracy gave. Some really great ideas. Approach it as the needs we have in order to get out of her course what we know she wants us to get out of it, like better clarification of expectations on assignments, examples of assignments before they're due instead of after people have fucked them up, and less of a workload. I told Lauren, who's ring-leading this confrontation, that I don't want her to feel we're ganging up on her, so I don't have to come, but if they want the support I'm there.

I also told Katie I'd look over her papers before she submits them if she likes. She's not a writer the way I am, which makes it hard for her. Brie, from what we can tell, is super-biased against imperfect grammar and writing mechanics, so I'm thinking if I can fine-tune Katie's papers she can get better marks.

I have some great behavior incentive stuff to try when I get the chance. I'm thinking I'll order the mailbox thing I want for the classroom, too, even though it's really more expensive than I want to pay for right now.

Big plans for SynTru--another example of money I shouldn't spend but really want to. Assirra has offered to add IP.Blog, and I want IP.Content too. Each is $50. I think they could really work wonders on the site... meh. We'll see how that pans out. Right now we're kind of surveying member opinions to see how popular they'd be if added. Assirra and Zap have worked wonders with SynTru since I haven't had time for it anymore. I'm constantly amazed by their dedication.

Speaking of, I have a piece of feedback due today. I think I'll go do that now.
karriezai: ([hg] betting on you)
Hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day :D Danny and I celebrated Saturday. Just stayed in with alcohol, video games, Magic: the Gathering, and movies.

I've made lame money the last few shifts at work. Here's hoping the weekend will be better, because we'll need the money. Haven't heard back from Baka, our real estate agent, in a few days. Last we heard, the bank's figuring out the amount left due on the loan for the place so they can come back with a counter offer. I hope they get to it very soon. We need to get the heck out of this place.

School is hectic. Well, life in general. Internship 8-4 Monday through Friday, with an hour-long commute--though I do tend to leave around 3 fairly often to get to work/uni class/mandatory seminars. Three days a week at Hard Times--generally Monday and Friday evening, plus either Saturday or Sunday. Tuesday evening class at the university. Tutoring Shane on Wednesday. And a seminar about every other week on Thursday in a random location.

Teaching is good. I vastly prefer math and reading to science or social studies. I look at science and I'm just kind of like... "What am I going to do, exactly?" There's so much to choose from, but so little time to teach it. I'm taking over science now (slowly), so it's... blah. But reading is really good. It's so freeform you can do almost anything. And the kids are really taking to their writing journals. They love getting feedback.

I had to leave early today for my IUD appointment. I am the proud owner of a Mirena IUD that cramped like a bitch for the first couple hours. It wasn't super painful, just like really heavy duty menstrual cramps. But really gross since they had me come in and get it done on my period; apparently it hurts less then. I guess it's nice of them to consider my pain over their probable preference to not have to stick their hands in a bleeding vagina. For the next week I have to use backup protection, but then I'm good for five years. What what.

Also, I'm getting published. Alt Hist picked up Death in Theatre for its second issue. It's a new magazine, but it's been reviewed by Locus, among others, so it's getting good press. So that's looking up. Not that I've been writing. I'm really busy lately and feel pretty drained, and I'd rather not write unless I really feel like it because forcing myself to in the midst of all my other crap would just not be pleasant.

And I thought I did terribly on my Praxis II tests for Middle School Math and English, but I passed with flying colors. So I'll be qualified to teach middle school, either math or English--in theory at least. I'll be applying everywhere in Montgomery County (and possibly Howard too... or maybe Anne Arundel... depends on where we're living and such...) and then weeding through my options to figure out what I want to do. Because I really don't have any desire to teach science or social studies, but I want to teach math AND reading, so... blah. Makes a choice between middle and elementary school complicated.

Guess that's it for now? I mean, I've been reading--the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld and now I'm working on the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare--but eh. That's it. Overall life's good, just hectic and somewhat stressful.

Oh wait! Mirage Games accepted my response to the first work order they sent me and sent me confirmation of the credits earned, but I haven't heard about anything else forthcoming. So that's kind of sad.


12/11/10 19:26
karriezai: ([asoiaf] fear cuts)
I don't really want to talk about it just yet.

But suffice to say, I'm feeling more normal, and even though our last conversation didn't go super well on a technical level, it still left me feeling almost inexplicably better about him really wanting me as opposed to logicking himself into it. Which was really the hardest part.

I'm not so scared anymore. This seems much more manageable now.

karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)

Had another talk with Danny. Well another breakdown. I told him I didn't feel loved, like he was telling me and telling himself but I couldn't feel it. He said he was sorry for the distance but it's hard...

Basically this is where it stands. In a way, he was dating another girl for the last two years and he just broke up with her, so he's mourning. And having me here makes it better but harder at the same time. He really isn't sure about us because he's in so much pain it's hard for him to tell whether we can be happy again.

All of this kills me, of course. The person I most want comfort from is him but he can't really give it. But I'm willing to wait it out, at least a while. The truth is that I want to be with him and that while this hurts like crazy it doesn't change that basic fact. I'm going to have a lot of trust issues to work out with him, but I can wait on that until he makes up his mind. I do think we'll be together in the end. He just needs time to heal.

In the meantime I have to balance my need for comfort with his need for space. He wants things to be normal because if we don't try to return to our normal lives this will never heal. I understand that.

In a way this explains a whole hell of a lot. He told me he's not a lovey person and I'll have to learn to deal with it, but I pointed out that we had no problem with physical intimacy in the beginning, and my needs there haven't changed. It's gotten worse and worse over the last few months, and now that I see the whole picture I think his conflict over Morgan has been a huge part of that. I'm hoping that now that that door is closed, he can heal properly and we can be closer without him pushing me away.

We'll figure it out in time I think. I hope.


10/11/10 16:56
karriezai: ([hp] avada kedavra)
My life right now is a black hole.
karriezai: ([asoiaf] wolfgirl)

I realized yesterday that Danny and my four-year anniversary is in less than two weeks. So we talked about what we wanted to do. It's too cold for anything major like sky diving, which we've mentioned wanting to do for a long time. And hot air ballooning is, um, stupid expensive. Of course I try to go overboard :)

So Danny suggested that we just have a nice night out and stay in a hotel. And we decided to stay at the hotel closest to Fur nightclub in DC. I booked the night already last night on Expedia. Wasn't even that expensive! $99 at the Courtyard Marriot. If we want to park there it'll be $30, but it's also close to Metro--that'll be a game day decision.

I'm super behind on NaNo. I don't want to give up, but being this behind with my crazy schedule doesn't look good. Especially with all the homework I have to do. I'm not even sure what's due this week. I haven't looked, which is bad considering my internship days are already through so if I had to do anything there, that ship has sailed. OH, plus, my story idea for Mirage Games is due... I think next Friday, and that's 5,000 words minimum by itself. Need to start on that one soon.

Went to the zoo yesterday morning for math methods. It was kind of lame. I thought we'd be basically imitating some sort of math project you can get kids to do as they explore the zoo, but we spent the whole time pent up in a classroom in the visitor's center getting a presentation on educational aids the zoo has to offer teachers and schools. A woman from Bridging the Americas showed us a bunch of dead stuffed birds. Blah.

So I have this idea... )


2/11/10 20:35
karriezai: ([asoiaf] bugger everything)
Have not written yet for NaNo. Don't really have the energy. Kinda depressed, even. Had another talk with Danny last night, this time about his lack of physical affection. He made it sound like I'm asking for too much. I don't think I am, but whatever; I decided to back off and let him come to me when he wants to for a while, and then decide if that's often enough for me. If I can give it a good, honest week of me not touching him unless clearly invited, it should give me a good idea of whether I can tolerate this business.

Looked up more houses. Feels kind of silly at this point but I have to look forward, and we can't live here much longer one way or another.

I'm pretty scared of all the serious talks we've been having lately. Danny told me last night... what did he say? Something like he loves me but he can't be physically affectionate the way I want him to be, and if that's a problem then he doesn't know what will happen... or something. I don't know. I'm afraid of where this is leading. It just seems very one-sided. He says he loves me and I'm the most important person to him but I'm the one who's always done all the changing and trying. Maybe that's not fair--I mean, before me he was out at the bars with his friends all the time, but I'm not sure if that was a change just because of me. He might not go back to that now regardless.

I told him I want to take him out to eat tonight and he said sorry, he just ate Chipotle. And he just called to ask if it's okay if Carol and Lena come over to try out the Kinect. I mean... I like them, they're nice girls, and if I wasn't feeling low I'd think it was a great idea. But I'm not going to say no. There's no point in me turning them away to mope, after all. I told him I don't care either way.

School is a tangled mess too. Our science methods professor just told us that anyone who missed class has to write a six-page paper relating this article he gave us to what we've seen in class. And a classmate just told me there's an additional assignment if you've missed more than one day, which I have. We don't have time for that sort of crap. I looked up the university attendance policy and it said the professor needs to put their own participation/how attendance affects grades policy in the syllabus and/or let us know at the beginning of the year, which he didn't. The syllabus just says attendance is important, let him know ahead of time if there's a conflict with getting to class so arrangements can be made... you know, the basic if you miss a due date or assignment because of an unexcused absence, you don't get credit sort of deal. And I haven't missed anything like that. So it shouldn't be allowable, and if it comes to it I'll address it with the university. Preferably if other students will back me up.

And I just haven't felt like doing anything. I let my assignments slide until the last second. Today I was running late to class because I stayed at home an extra fifteen minutes to finish an assignment, and on the way to school I rear-ended another car. The light turned green and the two cars in front of me started to go, but then all of a sudden decided to stop. Well, my brakes aren't so great. I didn't stop fast enough. The driver in front of me was a Hispanic guy, probably no insurance, since he just told me it was fine and didn't take my insurance info. Seeing as my car's already a bit of a mess, there was nothing but a bit of paint damage, and I don't want my insurance record marked up again, I was fine with this. And it was almost lucky since it was a reason to be late to class.

Blah. Life. Hate it.
karriezai: ([avatar] sweetheart/bitterheart)
Morgan reactivated her Facebook. Talking to her makes me pretty deeply sad, but I think it'll pass. I suppose if we want to be real friends again we'll have to sit down and talk... but we'll see.

Bit of TMI )

Anyway. Suffice to say. I did not sleep at all last night, and I was run down all day at my internship. My fifth graders were asking me what was wrong with my eyes and I had to explain I didn't get any sleep and my eyes were protesting, but a couple of the intuitive ones did not miss the fact that puffy eyes come from crying.

Fuck my life right now.

It'll get better. But I think... this might be the lowest I've been... maybe ever, and if not, certainly in a long while.


25/10/10 23:18
karriezai: ([misc] [scar] omgwtf?)
Learned today that Morgan asked Danny if he would consider leaving me. Me being the person I am, what disturbed me most about this was the simple fact that Danny's just now telling me even though I asked him last week if he'd told me everything since I know his tendency for leaving things out. I'm a little weirded out that Morgan would ask it, but not angry. I guess I kind of get it. I wouldn't do it personally, mainly because my thought process would go something like this: It would hurt her so much... but I want to know... but do I really want to be with a guy who'd leave his girlfriend of four years like that...? Best not to ask. Roughly.

If I'm mad at her for anything, it's for blaming her ruptured ovarian cyst (that the doctors said is stress-induced) on Danny. What an evil thing to do. I felt and feel horrible for her being in pain and having to go to the hospital, but you don't blame that sort of thing on someone else. It wasn't Danny's fault. And who could have known she would react so strongly to the whole thing?

Anyway, it's fine. I told Danny I need to be able to trust he's being honest with me, especially when I ask him if he's left anything out. He said there were more feelings than his involved and he didn't think it was okay to tell me that and betray Morgan's trust, but I told him, "That's something I deserve to know." And it's true. Even though I'm not mad at her over it--even if I had been mad--it's something he should have told me. She's my friend too, and I have the right to evaluate our friendship based on her willingness to take my boyfriend. -sigh-

He also said I would have been angry and blamed him despite the fact that he told her no. In response I laughed. "Let me ask you something. Have I, during this whole thing, gotten angry?" "No." "I'm not angry now, I wouldn't have been then. You should have told me." I basically made it clear that in the future I want him to tell me everything.

Note to self: need to find gelatin-free Jello to make Jello shots for Koontz's party on Saturday.
karriezai: ([asoiaf] armored courtesy)
Recap of events leading up to awkwardness:

For those who don't know, Morgan is Danny and my friend. We met her through Danny's work when he was still commuting over to Virginia. She worked at the Starbucks there, and then he hired her when she applied to Gamestop. There was a fairly brief time period when I was jealous of Danny's relationship with her which started when our texting bill was outrageously high for the first time due to all the texts Danny had been sending to her, resulting in us having to get unlimited texting. (It was, seriously, retarded.) Anyway, this jealousy was due to some serious parallels between us: we had and have tons in common, and she reminded me of me back when Danny started dating me, right down to her working at Starbucks and him being her supervisor.

I got over this just fine in time because Danny and I have a trusting relationship and because he assured me it was more like a big brother relationship (which makes perfect sense seeing as he's eight years her elder, which is a lot when you're considering she was underage at the time). Some posts on the issue from back when it WAS an issue, in order chronologically: here, here, here, and here. They show a clear progression from mildly worried to almost irrationally angry to starting to get over it but still annoyed. (Also, I didn't link it, but I found the entry about his texting with her: he went over by 300 texts that month, more than double the texts our plan allotted at the time, and cost us $30.)

Anyway, pretty boring since then. We don't get to hang out with Morgan much when we're all so busy and she's in Virginia while we both live and work in Maryland now. So Saturday was her birthday, and I forgot to take off work so I could hang out when she came over that evening. I told them I'd try to get off as early as possible but I wasn't sure how plausible it would be, and told them to come visit me at work, so they did. And then they went home (to Danny's parents' house, since we were puppy sitting) and hung out and started drinking for the three-ish other hours I still ended up working, and then I came home and joined them, and we had a fun night other than Danny kidney-punching me and twisting my thumb in a more painful way than usual, which made me angry at him all night but I pushed it away to have fun for Morgan until we went to bed.

So yesterday when I got off work, I asked Danny if he wanted me to come by his midnight release, and he said yeah, there was something he wanted to talk to me about. )

ETA: Talked to Danny. Feel all better. :D


23/7/10 03:16
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)

This is long. I'll edit some lj-cuts in tomorrow but for now...

Today was hard. They put Hobbes down today. Everyone took it hard. I even cried for her a little -- I knew I would cry with so many heartbroken people around me, but I didn't expect to cry for her when I never really liked her much. She just seemed a little snobby or high-strung. I don't tell Danny this of course. But it's true. I've found that I like dogs. I even played with Sean today and it was terrific. But Hobbes' personality just never suited me. In fact it turned me away. (I really hope and believe that it wasn't jealousy, though I felt that occasionally too since I know how much Danny loved her.)

Anyway, it was so hard to see it happen and think about them having to make that decision to let her go when she was still lucid. She wasn't eating or drinking and she often fell and couldn't get up, but she still walked around and was interested in people and went outside to use the bathroom. They wanted her to suffer as little as possible but it's still so hard to think that they have to make the decision to put her down when there's no real way of knowing her feelings on the subject.

And it was surprisingly painful to see her limp in Sue's arms. Harder to see Sue sobbing over her, but hard to see her gone as well.

I love this family though. There is so much love. So many people came to comfort us. Neighbors and relatives alike.

Sue has taken it so hard. It's hard to see her sobbing in moments without distraction. She drank a lot, tripped and fell, and I just felt terrible because there's nothing I can do. And she probably needs some alone time to cry herself out but it seems wrong to leave her alone.

It was so peaceful though. They couldn't have done it better. The vet came out here, sedated her, then did the tourniquet and shaving and injection. There was no pain for Hobbes and no fear like at the vet. Just confusion and worry for her sad family, which is understandable.

Danny and I drank and played Magic and tried a little generic vicodin at the end of the night tonight, and then I talked to him about our different styles of expressing our love... I'm chatty on vicodin apparently, but I meant what I said and I hope to continue the conversation tomorrow. I think it will help clear some things up. Unfortunately, it can't do everything. I can't expect him to suddenly develop more sensitivity to the little things I want from him. But I'm sure he feels the same way about me when it comes to certain expressions of intimacy, so it's something we'll have to communicate and work through with time.


8/7/10 20:10
karriezai: ([avatar] sweetheart/bitterheart)
Still not writing.

I reread Graceling and it was perhaps even more wonderful the second time through, but the amazing characterization gave me a huge inferiority complex.

I tried to express to Danny how much it sucks that writing is such a big part of me but it's only a frustration to him. He didn't respond. He did tell me, when I tried to express the fact that I wrote way more stories to completion when I had real life friends reading them consistently and caring about my writing, that if I blame him for me not writing a book then we will end up breaking up. Nice stretch there.

I've been thinking about the fact that he doesn't care about my writing though, and how hard that is, and wondering... if I met someone who really did care... what would happen?

karriezai: ([nano] novelist in the making)
48018 / 50000

I'm soo close. I could probably win tonight if I wanted but I'd rather try to have a good time with Danny. He really upset me not long ago and I'm hoping he'll make me feel better. He can be such an asshole, and he's so caught up on appearances, where I'm not in the least. Sometimes we clash because of it.

But with less than 2,000 left, I'm sure I can win tomorrow if I put my mind to it. If not, I don't work Monday, so I'll have plenty of time that evening. I'm scared that the validator will give me a smaller word count than Word so I plan to pad my word count out a little anyway. Nearly there!
karriezai: ([lolcat] light reading)
31539 / 50000

Got a little ahead again. Not as much as I'd like, but it's Danny and my anniversary, so some concessions must be made ;D Three years! We had dinner tonight, and tomorrow night we're going to the midnight premiere of New Moon.

But I left off in the middle of a fight scene and someone's about to die, so it should be easy as hell to pick back up tomorrow and write!
karriezai: ([asoiaf] dark wings dark words)
Okay few things I wanna cover, better list them first because when I get into one I might forget the others.

* Summer class
* Extreme work suckage
* How writing goes
* Another urge to make a website

School is easy. Basically I had my first summer class this morning. It's small. The teacher has the craziest chalk board writing--by that I mean that she writes fast as hell, but it's all very neat and straight, the letters bold and easy to read. The class is going to be easy--it's like geometric concepts up through 8th grade with an emphasis on ways of teaching them. Which is nice. I'm only concerned about getting bored or deciding I can afford to miss too many classes.

Also, since I'm in summer classes, I can go to the gym! I'll have to make use of that. I've been seriously slacking lately.

And Hooters dumps another load of crap on my head. )

Writing, or more accurately, worldbuilding. )

Writing community idea. )

Um so yeah. Danny's nearly done listening to Mistborn. The first one, that is. It's exciting. He didn't like it much at first, and he still thinks it's kind of slow I think, but he really likes the characters now. He said if we can find the other two to download, he'll listen to them too.

He came to visit me on my crap work night. I really appreciated it. He can be so sweet. And he brought Dennis and Heather, and Dennis tipped me $20 on a $30 bill, which was also really sweet and made me so appreciative of our roommates. We have our issues at times but we're all really great people.
karriezai: ([asoiaf] whores)
I talked to Danny about yesterday. At first he was actually upset; he said it hurts that we're building our lives together and planning even things like kids names and I didn't trust him. I reassured him that of course I trust him not to cheat on me. I mean, that doesn't mean it's not still upsetting. I explained that he doesn't even know Morgan's friend; she could tell a friend who tells a friend and get him in trouble. If not legal trouble, maybe just Morgan's dad found out and she has to quit Gamestop and never see him again trouble. And I told him that yeah, I do have this maybe irrational discomfort at the idea that he was home alone with two teenaged girls drinking, but just think about what something like that would look like to an outsider looking in. Danny's usually the one who cares about propriety and appearances way more than me.

He said he's been helping underaged people get alcohol for ten years, referring to the house parties he used to throw and such, and that's all it was; they said they didn't get to drink on Spring Break and just wanted to get a chance to do that. He said he was going to just convince them to go to Dave and Busters from the beginning and hang out there but he couldn't afford to pay for all of them to play games.

I mean, none of that makes it better, of course. It was a dumb idea on multiple levels. But he won't do it again.

Bah, boys are dumb. I feel a lot better. I just hope he understands that while I absolutely trust that he won't cheat, I was still justified in being upset, because I'm not sure he got that at first.
karriezai: ([asoiaf] rainbow guard)
Trying to catch up with school after a completely wasted spring break (when it comes to schoolwork anyway). I finished my lab report but I still have to print it out along with the little sheet things for the two primary sources I chose. I have to fill those two out but I doubt it can take long, which is why I decided to let it wait for morning.

I did all my French work, finished it two days early, hoping to keep that trend up. Last unit I forgot to do half until it was too late so I lost half the credit. And I already lost ten points for missing a quality assignment. That's twenty points out of 1,000 lost for stupid reasons. Not much if I do well on everything else but still a pain in the ass. I do well on all the quizzes and stuff... tomorrow I need to study the little culture notes though, I haven't really even looked at them yet. (I have a quiz tomorrow in French.)

I really want to make a roleplay site, it's so sad. I'm not even sure how much I want to roleplay, but I want to make the site. Morgan's into roleplaying and it semi-revived the spark. I'm holding myself back because she isn't showing too much interest in roleplaying with me and I know if I get OCD about it again it'll interfere with the already limited time I leave myself to do schoolwork. But if she seemed into it I'd probably be all over it, haha. I sent her some of my writing... we'll see what goes down.

Went to Jenn's bridal shower Saturday, it was nice. Naturally made me dream I was engaged to Danny that night, but surprisingly enough the only real thought I took away from the dream was "Hey, he actually found a ring that fits!" Lol. When we were drinking last night watching Twilight (because you can really only watch it with a little alcohol, I mean honestly), we were talking about how... it speaks to how much he trusts and loves me that he talks so openly about Morgan because he knows he doesn't have to worry about me acting threatened the way other girls would by him having a close friendship with a girl. And how I still feel it's weird but I trust him so completely that I realize my feelings of weirdness are pointless because it's not like he'd ever do anything to even make me feel betrayed, much less actually betray me.

Hm. He mentioned how normal girls in normal relationships couldn't take the thing with Morgan. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it's because we're further along in our relationship than a lot of people get in two years. In a lot of ways we already act like a married couple, and married couples are infamous for their workwives and workhusbands. Which is kind of what Morgan is.

Haha. I love him, as usual.
karriezai: ([iron man] crashed love)
So I feel ridiculously better today, and super appreciative of what I have in Danny. To tell the whole story, I'll start with the text Morgan sent yesterday. )

So basically... he completely erased all of my insecurities about the entire mess. He felt bad and apologized to Morgan for saying mean things to her, but she took it very well. We're supposed to find time over spring break to hang out just her and me for a girls day so I can get to be better friends with her.

It all worked out in the end. And I love Danny more than anything. I hate that apparently I needed some reassurance of his feelings, because although logically I knew how committed he was, I guess my heart was having problems with it. If it wasn't, then I wouldn't have felt such strong relief at his display of love and commitment.

I really appreciate all the support I got from all directions, though, throughout this. Stacie, Stephanie, John, Deborah, [livejournal.com profile] eotheod... all in no particular order, but you are all amazing. Love you guys!
karriezai: ([misc] life's a bitch)
I felt a ton, and I mean a ton better yesterday. To the point that I felt ridiculous for even having the worries mentioned in my previous post. But today... )

My nipples throb. I took the piercings out Wednesday night and was too lazy to replace them before I went to bed, and I couldn't get them back through myself Thursday afternoon. So I went to Ambrotos today to have the piercer there grease/taper them back through, and it hurt. My right one actually felt like I got it repierced. Now I have to take care of them like new piercings. It was worth it. The childish part of me wants to make it another reason to be upset with Danny, because it was his expressed desire in the piercings that encouraged me to get them in the first place, but I've had them two years. I love them to death, not because of him anymore at all. When I wasn't wearing them and I looked down, it looked wrong. Normal nipples looked wrong, haha.

But I need to go to the gym and I'm not sure that it's a good idea. I'll take it easy I guess. Especially with the rowing. If it bothers me then I'll skip it.

I dunno. The thing with Danny put a damper on my whole day. It makes little set backs enough to make me tear up. Like driving in freaking circles trying to get from Ambrotos to campus. I wanted to take the quickest route but I ended up just taking forever because I dared to attempt exploring. I seriously had to back track three times. And yes it had me in tears and yes I felt stupid.

Also, when I mentioned Wednesday that he almost had more pictures of Morgan on his phone than me, his response was, "But she sends them to me, you don't send me pictures." And also that he mainly only kept them on there to show me. And proceeded to delete a couple, except the ones he wanted to keep because she had a happy smile or whatever. So the question I thought but didn't ask was, why does she send them? I doubt it's just because she feels like it. Either it's a response to one of their conversations or he asked for them. So I sent him some decent ones of me I found on facebook today, we'll see how that goes.

And it still bothers me how much they text. Apparently I'm not a good texter. I don't know. He doesn't reply to me at all sometimes. I have to call him to see what the fuck is up. Whatever.

But sometimes people restore your faith in humanity. When I posted my status on Facebook as "really, really depressed," I immediately got concerned "why?"s from two of the girls from work. It's so sweet.
karriezai: ([avatar] halp!)
So I'm having trouble with myself.

Danny's becoming really good friends with a girl he works with, a girl I could also be really good friends with, but for some reason it won't stop bothering me. I trust him, but it still won't stop bothering me, and I don't completely understand why. I get aspects of it... so let me go into it.

Help me stop freaking out please?

The situation. )