i will

Okay, so, life. I had my meeting with Suzanne... was both worse than and not as bad as I expected. Tracy thinks I'm behind on school work and I've been taking off days/being late to try to play catch up, and not talking to her about it. Which is far from the case. So, not quite what I expected, but at least she doesn't (exactly) think I'm a huge slacker. On the other hand, Suzanne warned me to expect Tracy to look in on me. Didn't happen this week between MSAs and Tracy having jury duty, but apparently I can expect her to pop in and see if I'm doing everything properly. I mean, I don't have the lesson plan book I'm supposed to, but aside from that... I do what I'm supposed to, so it should be okay.

I gained a ton of respect for Tracy at the seminar today. She let the class rant for an hour about how unreasonable and condescending our reading assessment professor is at the university and gave us advice on how to handle it. Very frank, helpful advice. And she demonstrated yet again how knowledgeable she is about classroom management. She has a treasure trove of random examples/experiences I never in a million years would have imagined. I'll be honest; I let my view of her as a supervisor color my view of her as a teacher. She's a fantastic teacher. She's not even a bad supervisor, she just has certain ways about her that don't mesh with my style, for lack of a better description.

Life is hectic. Danny is amazing through all of it, as I was practically bragging to Katie today. He drove to Whetstone during rush hour yesterday to fix my random flat tire, and drove my car for me today to get it fixed while I was at my internship. The thing with Morgan was hard, but I really think it made our relationship even stronger in the end. I think we both appreciate what we have more. I love the hell out of that man, and he's always showing the ways he cares about me.

My classmates are in a panic over our reading assessment class with Brie; I've had her before and she's crazy and condescending, but I'm making a high A in her class (I've only lost half a participation point overall so far, everything else has perfect marks) and although the upcoming workload seems overwhelming, I know I'll get through it like I always do. I did volunteer to speak to her with a couple other students about our concerns though--based on the advice Tracy gave. Some really great ideas. Approach it as the needs we have in order to get out of her course what we know she wants us to get out of it, like better clarification of expectations on assignments, examples of assignments before they're due instead of after people have fucked them up, and less of a workload. I told Lauren, who's ring-leading this confrontation, that I don't want her to feel we're ganging up on her, so I don't have to come, but if they want the support I'm there.

I also told Katie I'd look over her papers before she submits them if she likes. She's not a writer the way I am, which makes it hard for her. Brie, from what we can tell, is super-biased against imperfect grammar and writing mechanics, so I'm thinking if I can fine-tune Katie's papers she can get better marks.

I have some great behavior incentive stuff to try when I get the chance. I'm thinking I'll order the mailbox thing I want for the classroom, too, even though it's really more expensive than I want to pay for right now.

Big plans for SynTru--another example of money I shouldn't spend but really want to. Assirra has offered to add IP.Blog, and I want IP.Content too. Each is $50. I think they could really work wonders on the site... meh. We'll see how that pans out. Right now we're kind of surveying member opinions to see how popular they'd be if added. Assirra and Zap have worked wonders with SynTru since I haven't had time for it anymore. I'm constantly amazed by their dedication.

Speaking of, I have a piece of feedback due today. I think I'll go do that now.

I don't really want to talk about it just yet.

But suffice to say, I'm feeling more normal, and even though our last conversation didn't go super well on a technical level, it still left me feeling almost inexplicably better about him really wanting me as opposed to logicking himself into it. Which was really the hardest part.

I'm not so scared anymore. This seems much more manageable now.

( ETA )

My life right now is a black hole.

Have not written yet for NaNo. Don't really have the energy. Kinda depressed, even. Had another talk with Danny last night, this time about his lack of physical affection. He made it sound like I'm asking for too much. I don't think I am, but whatever; I decided to back off and let him come to me when he wants to for a while, and then decide if that's often enough for me. If I can give it a good, honest week of me not touching him unless clearly invited, it should give me a good idea of whether I can tolerate this business.

Looked up more houses. Feels kind of silly at this point but I have to look forward, and we can't live here much longer one way or another.

I'm pretty scared of all the serious talks we've been having lately. Danny told me last night... what did he say? Something like he loves me but he can't be physically affectionate the way I want him to be, and if that's a problem then he doesn't know what will happen... or something. I don't know. I'm afraid of where this is leading. It just seems very one-sided. He says he loves me and I'm the most important person to him but I'm the one who's always done all the changing and trying. Maybe that's not fair--I mean, before me he was out at the bars with his friends all the time, but I'm not sure if that was a change just because of me. He might not go back to that now regardless.

I told him I want to take him out to eat tonight and he said sorry, he just ate Chipotle. And he just called to ask if it's okay if Carol and Lena come over to try out the Kinect. I mean... I like them, they're nice girls, and if I wasn't feeling low I'd think it was a great idea. But I'm not going to say no. There's no point in me turning them away to mope, after all. I told him I don't care either way.

School is a tangled mess too. Our science methods professor just told us that anyone who missed class has to write a six-page paper relating this article he gave us to what we've seen in class. And a classmate just told me there's an additional assignment if you've missed more than one day, which I have. We don't have time for that sort of crap. I looked up the university attendance policy and it said the professor needs to put their own participation/how attendance affects grades policy in the syllabus and/or let us know at the beginning of the year, which he didn't. The syllabus just says attendance is important, let him know ahead of time if there's a conflict with getting to class so arrangements can be made... you know, the basic if you miss a due date or assignment because of an unexcused absence, you don't get credit sort of deal. And I haven't missed anything like that. So it shouldn't be allowable, and if it comes to it I'll address it with the university. Preferably if other students will back me up.

And I just haven't felt like doing anything. I let my assignments slide until the last second. Today I was running late to class because I stayed at home an extra fifteen minutes to finish an assignment, and on the way to school I rear-ended another car. The light turned green and the two cars in front of me started to go, but then all of a sudden decided to stop. Well, my brakes aren't so great. I didn't stop fast enough. The driver in front of me was a Hispanic guy, probably no insurance, since he just told me it was fine and didn't take my insurance info. Seeing as my car's already a bit of a mess, there was nothing but a bit of paint damage, and I don't want my insurance record marked up again, I was fine with this. And it was almost lucky since it was a reason to be late to class.

Blah. Life. Hate it.

Learned today that Morgan asked Danny if he would consider leaving me. Me being the person I am, what disturbed me most about this was the simple fact that Danny's just now telling me even though I asked him last week if he'd told me everything since I know his tendency for leaving things out. I'm a little weirded out that Morgan would ask it, but not angry. I guess I kind of get it. I wouldn't do it personally, mainly because my thought process would go something like this: It would hurt her so much... but I want to know... but do I really want to be with a guy who'd leave his girlfriend of four years like that...? Best not to ask. Roughly.

If I'm mad at her for anything, it's for blaming her ruptured ovarian cyst (that the doctors said is stress-induced) on Danny. What an evil thing to do. I felt and feel horrible for her being in pain and having to go to the hospital, but you don't blame that sort of thing on someone else. It wasn't Danny's fault. And who could have known she would react so strongly to the whole thing?

Anyway, it's fine. I told Danny I need to be able to trust he's being honest with me, especially when I ask him if he's left anything out. He said there were more feelings than his involved and he didn't think it was okay to tell me that and betray Morgan's trust, but I told him, "That's something I deserve to know." And it's true. Even though I'm not mad at her over it--even if I had been mad--it's something he should have told me. She's my friend too, and I have the right to evaluate our friendship based on her willingness to take my boyfriend. -sigh-

He also said I would have been angry and blamed him despite the fact that he told her no. In response I laughed. "Let me ask you something. Have I, during this whole thing, gotten angry?" "No." "I'm not angry now, I wouldn't have been then. You should have told me." I basically made it clear that in the future I want him to tell me everything.

Note to self: need to find gelatin-free Jello to make Jello shots for Koontz's party on Saturday.

48018 / 50000 (96.04%)

I'm soo close. I could probably win tonight if I wanted but I'd rather try to have a good time with Danny. He really upset me not long ago and I'm hoping he'll make me feel better. He can be such an asshole, and he's so caught up on appearances, where I'm not in the least. Sometimes we clash because of it.

But with less than 2,000 left, I'm sure I can win tomorrow if I put my mind to it. If not, I don't work Monday, so I'll have plenty of time that evening. I'm scared that the validator will give me a smaller word count than Word so I plan to pad my word count out a little anyway. Nearly there!

Okay few things I wanna cover, better list them first because when I get into one I might forget the others.

* Summer class
* Extreme work suckage
* How writing goes
* Another urge to make a website

School is easy. Basically I had my first summer class this morning. It's small. The teacher has the craziest chalk board writing--by that I mean that she writes fast as hell, but it's all very neat and straight, the letters bold and easy to read. The class is going to be easy--it's like geometric concepts up through 8th grade with an emphasis on ways of teaching them. Which is nice. I'm only concerned about getting bored or deciding I can afford to miss too many classes.

Also, since I'm in summer classes, I can go to the gym! I'll have to make use of that. I've been seriously slacking lately.

( And Hooters dumps another load of crap on my head. )

( Writing, or more accurately, worldbuilding. )

( Writing community idea. )

Um so yeah. Danny's nearly done listening to Mistborn. The first one, that is. It's exciting. He didn't like it much at first, and he still thinks it's kind of slow I think, but he really likes the characters now. He said if we can find the other two to download, he'll listen to them too.

He came to visit me on my crap work night. I really appreciated it. He can be so sweet. And he brought Dennis and Heather, and Dennis tipped me $20 on a $30 bill, which was also really sweet and made me so appreciative of our roommates. We have our issues at times but we're all really great people.

Trying to catch up with school after a completely wasted spring break (when it comes to schoolwork anyway). I finished my lab report but I still have to print it out along with the little sheet things for the two primary sources I chose. I have to fill those two out but I doubt it can take long, which is why I decided to let it wait for morning.

I did all my French work, finished it two days early, hoping to keep that trend up. Last unit I forgot to do half until it was too late so I lost half the credit. And I already lost ten points for missing a quality assignment. That's twenty points out of 1,000 lost for stupid reasons. Not much if I do well on everything else but still a pain in the ass. I do well on all the quizzes and stuff... tomorrow I need to study the little culture notes though, I haven't really even looked at them yet. (I have a quiz tomorrow in French.)

I really want to make a roleplay site, it's so sad. I'm not even sure how much I want to roleplay, but I want to make the site. Morgan's into roleplaying and it semi-revived the spark. I'm holding myself back because she isn't showing too much interest in roleplaying with me and I know if I get OCD about it again it'll interfere with the already limited time I leave myself to do schoolwork. But if she seemed into it I'd probably be all over it, haha. I sent her some of my writing... we'll see what goes down.

Went to Jenn's bridal shower Saturday, it was nice. Naturally made me dream I was engaged to Danny that night, but surprisingly enough the only real thought I took away from the dream was "Hey, he actually found a ring that fits!" Lol. When we were drinking last night watching Twilight (because you can really only watch it with a little alcohol, I mean honestly), we were talking about how... it speaks to how much he trusts and loves me that he talks so openly about Morgan because he knows he doesn't have to worry about me acting threatened the way other girls would by him having a close friendship with a girl. And how I still feel it's weird but I trust him so completely that I realize my feelings of weirdness are pointless because it's not like he'd ever do anything to even make me feel betrayed, much less actually betray me.

Hm. He mentioned how normal girls in normal relationships couldn't take the thing with Morgan. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it's because we're further along in our relationship than a lot of people get in two years. In a lot of ways we already act like a married couple, and married couples are infamous for their workwives and workhusbands. Which is kind of what Morgan is.

Haha. I love him, as usual.

I felt a ton, and I mean a ton better yesterday. To the point that I felt ridiculous for even having the worries mentioned in my previous post. ( But today... )

My nipples throb. I took the piercings out Wednesday night and was too lazy to replace them before I went to bed, and I couldn't get them back through myself Thursday afternoon. So I went to Ambrotos today to have the piercer there grease/taper them back through, and it hurt. My right one actually felt like I got it repierced. Now I have to take care of them like new piercings. It was worth it. The childish part of me wants to make it another reason to be upset with Danny, because it was his expressed desire in the piercings that encouraged me to get them in the first place, but I've had them two years. I love them to death, not because of him anymore at all. When I wasn't wearing them and I looked down, it looked wrong. Normal nipples looked wrong, haha.

But I need to go to the gym and I'm not sure that it's a good idea. I'll take it easy I guess. Especially with the rowing. If it bothers me then I'll skip it.

I dunno. The thing with Danny put a damper on my whole day. It makes little set backs enough to make me tear up. Like driving in freaking circles trying to get from Ambrotos to campus. I wanted to take the quickest route but I ended up just taking forever because I dared to attempt exploring. I seriously had to back track three times. And yes it had me in tears and yes I felt stupid.

Also, when I mentioned Wednesday that he almost had more pictures of Morgan on his phone than me, his response was, "But she sends them to me, you don't send me pictures." And also that he mainly only kept them on there to show me. And proceeded to delete a couple, except the ones he wanted to keep because she had a happy smile or whatever. So the question I thought but didn't ask was, why does she send them? I doubt it's just because she feels like it. Either it's a response to one of their conversations or he asked for them. So I sent him some decent ones of me I found on facebook today, we'll see how that goes.

And it still bothers me how much they text. Apparently I'm not a good texter. I don't know. He doesn't reply to me at all sometimes. I have to call him to see what the fuck is up. Whatever.

But sometimes people restore your faith in humanity. When I posted my status on Facebook as "really, really depressed," I immediately got concerned "why?"s from two of the girls from work. It's so sweet.