.287 x i freaking hate boys
13/3/09 15:30![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
karriezaiI felt a ton, and I mean a ton better yesterday. To the point that I felt ridiculous for even having the worries mentioned in my previous post. I picked up Danny's phone and he'd changed his wallpaper to Morgan's painting that she gave him, and instantly I felt miserable. It made me remember everything he said to me Wednesday night and if the stuff about art was just a lie to make me feel better, how much else was?
To explain that: Wednesday evening he took the painting she'd given him out of his trunk and said, "I wonder if we should frame this or just hang it?" or something along those lines. So I told him what I'd told Deb: if the moment he got the thing home he went immediately to hanging it and stuff, how I'd kill him, since the last thing I drew him he gave half a crap about. It took three weeks to get him to hang the damn thing when it was MY present to him, and even then I had to go buy the freaking frame myself and frame it because he just had no interest, no initiative. He was like, all helpless, "Well it's been in my trunk three days already..." Doesn't make me feel that much better.
So Wednesday night when we'd been drinking it got brought up again somehow, and he told me something along the lines of, "But it's a painting, it's real art." Which made me start bawling. You can anticipate my question: And my drawings aren't real art? He went into this whole schpiel about how mine are more special because they're personalized, whereas Morgan's was just a painting she had in a closet that she was willing to give him. And how if I'd made that painting, the rider on the horse in it would have had his face. Which only made me feel vaguely better because no matter what he says to qualify it, his original statement remained: apparently to him drawing is a lesser form of art than painting.
So when I picked up his phone and saw that his wallpaper was her painting, it really upset me, because it just goes to demonstrate that whatever he said to me, her painting is at the very least more beautiful, more worthwhile as a wallpaper, than any of my drawings. And his wallpapers are always something he's excited about. Mortal Kombat when that was about to come out. Gears for Gears. Street Fighter when that was on its way. The motorcycle he wants to get. Etc. The only art pertaining to us that has ever been a wallpaper on one of his phones was the caricature of us done at King's Dominion, and obviously I didn't draw that.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't think what to say. I mean, I don't suppose it changes anything, except that I have to question everything he told me to make me feel better. I don't for a second believe he'd cheat on me. That's not my worry. I guess my worry is that he'll just start to like her better. She plays more video games with him now than I do anymore, and apparently her art is better.
And also, to make me feel better, he said that yes he's entertained the idea of what it'd be like if he'd never met me and he knew Morgan now, and that yes he probably would have pursued her. But that they could never have been as happy together or have as good a life together as we do. But now that I think about it, that's supposed to make me feel better? The fact that he has entertained the idea of being with her? Plus, maybe this is bad to say since Danny and I have an age gap of more than five years, but ew, she's 17 and he's 26? They have a gap of over eight years and she's not even legal and FUCK NO it doesn't make me feel any better that he's entertained the idea.
But what am I supposed to do? I can't change his opinion on art. Part of me wants to paint him something and part of me wants to never make any art for him ever again. And I know full well that paranoia and possessiveness and doubts like mine can just drive someone away if you let them consume you the way I'm afraid I might let them consume me if this continues.
So right now it's mostly just hurt feelings over the art thing. Like I said, it doesn't change the fact that I don't believe he'd ever cheat on me. And we've built too much of a life together for me to question his commitment. I shouldn't forget how much better I felt yesterday. It's kind of stupid how much just the fact that something that would bother me ordinarily is exacerbated by the fact that it relates to Morgan. If it was someone else's work, I'd be at most mildly annoyed. But hers... I did a childish thing and took down the framed picture I drew of us as Link and Zelda the Valentine's before last. I thought about it first, too. Like, "Is this going to help? No. But I don't care. I want to see if he even fucking notices."
And the sad thing is he probably won't.
ETA: And is it sad that I almost feel worse because Danny's having money issues at work and I'm trying to support him with that and ignore my own problems, at least when it comes to talking to him right now?
My nipples throb. I took the piercings out Wednesday night and was too lazy to replace them before I went to bed, and I couldn't get them back through myself Thursday afternoon. So I went to Ambrotos today to have the piercer there grease/taper them back through, and it hurt. My right one actually felt like I got it repierced. Now I have to take care of them like new piercings. It was worth it. The childish part of me wants to make it another reason to be upset with Danny, because it was his expressed desire in the piercings that encouraged me to get them in the first place, but I've had them two years. I love them to death, not because of him anymore at all. When I wasn't wearing them and I looked down, it looked wrong. Normal nipples looked wrong, haha.
But I need to go to the gym and I'm not sure that it's a good idea. I'll take it easy I guess. Especially with the rowing. If it bothers me then I'll skip it.
I dunno. The thing with Danny put a damper on my whole day. It makes little set backs enough to make me tear up. Like driving in freaking circles trying to get from Ambrotos to campus. I wanted to take the quickest route but I ended up just taking forever because I dared to attempt exploring. I seriously had to back track three times. And yes it had me in tears and yes I felt stupid.
Also, when I mentioned Wednesday that he almost had more pictures of Morgan on his phone than me, his response was, "But she sends them to me, you don't send me pictures." And also that he mainly only kept them on there to show me. And proceeded to delete a couple, except the ones he wanted to keep because she had a happy smile or whatever. So the question I thought but didn't ask was, why does she send them? I doubt it's just because she feels like it. Either it's a response to one of their conversations or he asked for them. So I sent him some decent ones of me I found on facebook today, we'll see how that goes.
And it still bothers me how much they text. Apparently I'm not a good texter. I don't know. He doesn't reply to me at all sometimes. I have to call him to see what the fuck is up. Whatever.
But sometimes people restore your faith in humanity. When I posted my status on Facebook as "really, really depressed," I immediately got concerned "why?"s from two of the girls from work. It's so sweet.
To explain that: Wednesday evening he took the painting she'd given him out of his trunk and said, "I wonder if we should frame this or just hang it?" or something along those lines. So I told him what I'd told Deb: if the moment he got the thing home he went immediately to hanging it and stuff, how I'd kill him, since the last thing I drew him he gave half a crap about. It took three weeks to get him to hang the damn thing when it was MY present to him, and even then I had to go buy the freaking frame myself and frame it because he just had no interest, no initiative. He was like, all helpless, "Well it's been in my trunk three days already..." Doesn't make me feel that much better.
So Wednesday night when we'd been drinking it got brought up again somehow, and he told me something along the lines of, "But it's a painting, it's real art." Which made me start bawling. You can anticipate my question: And my drawings aren't real art? He went into this whole schpiel about how mine are more special because they're personalized, whereas Morgan's was just a painting she had in a closet that she was willing to give him. And how if I'd made that painting, the rider on the horse in it would have had his face. Which only made me feel vaguely better because no matter what he says to qualify it, his original statement remained: apparently to him drawing is a lesser form of art than painting.
So when I picked up his phone and saw that his wallpaper was her painting, it really upset me, because it just goes to demonstrate that whatever he said to me, her painting is at the very least more beautiful, more worthwhile as a wallpaper, than any of my drawings. And his wallpapers are always something he's excited about. Mortal Kombat when that was about to come out. Gears for Gears. Street Fighter when that was on its way. The motorcycle he wants to get. Etc. The only art pertaining to us that has ever been a wallpaper on one of his phones was the caricature of us done at King's Dominion, and obviously I didn't draw that.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't think what to say. I mean, I don't suppose it changes anything, except that I have to question everything he told me to make me feel better. I don't for a second believe he'd cheat on me. That's not my worry. I guess my worry is that he'll just start to like her better. She plays more video games with him now than I do anymore, and apparently her art is better.
And also, to make me feel better, he said that yes he's entertained the idea of what it'd be like if he'd never met me and he knew Morgan now, and that yes he probably would have pursued her. But that they could never have been as happy together or have as good a life together as we do. But now that I think about it, that's supposed to make me feel better? The fact that he has entertained the idea of being with her? Plus, maybe this is bad to say since Danny and I have an age gap of more than five years, but ew, she's 17 and he's 26? They have a gap of over eight years and she's not even legal and FUCK NO it doesn't make me feel any better that he's entertained the idea.
But what am I supposed to do? I can't change his opinion on art. Part of me wants to paint him something and part of me wants to never make any art for him ever again. And I know full well that paranoia and possessiveness and doubts like mine can just drive someone away if you let them consume you the way I'm afraid I might let them consume me if this continues.
So right now it's mostly just hurt feelings over the art thing. Like I said, it doesn't change the fact that I don't believe he'd ever cheat on me. And we've built too much of a life together for me to question his commitment. I shouldn't forget how much better I felt yesterday. It's kind of stupid how much just the fact that something that would bother me ordinarily is exacerbated by the fact that it relates to Morgan. If it was someone else's work, I'd be at most mildly annoyed. But hers... I did a childish thing and took down the framed picture I drew of us as Link and Zelda the Valentine's before last. I thought about it first, too. Like, "Is this going to help? No. But I don't care. I want to see if he even fucking notices."
And the sad thing is he probably won't.
ETA: And is it sad that I almost feel worse because Danny's having money issues at work and I'm trying to support him with that and ignore my own problems, at least when it comes to talking to him right now?
My nipples throb. I took the piercings out Wednesday night and was too lazy to replace them before I went to bed, and I couldn't get them back through myself Thursday afternoon. So I went to Ambrotos today to have the piercer there grease/taper them back through, and it hurt. My right one actually felt like I got it repierced. Now I have to take care of them like new piercings. It was worth it. The childish part of me wants to make it another reason to be upset with Danny, because it was his expressed desire in the piercings that encouraged me to get them in the first place, but I've had them two years. I love them to death, not because of him anymore at all. When I wasn't wearing them and I looked down, it looked wrong. Normal nipples looked wrong, haha.
But I need to go to the gym and I'm not sure that it's a good idea. I'll take it easy I guess. Especially with the rowing. If it bothers me then I'll skip it.
I dunno. The thing with Danny put a damper on my whole day. It makes little set backs enough to make me tear up. Like driving in freaking circles trying to get from Ambrotos to campus. I wanted to take the quickest route but I ended up just taking forever because I dared to attempt exploring. I seriously had to back track three times. And yes it had me in tears and yes I felt stupid.
Also, when I mentioned Wednesday that he almost had more pictures of Morgan on his phone than me, his response was, "But she sends them to me, you don't send me pictures." And also that he mainly only kept them on there to show me. And proceeded to delete a couple, except the ones he wanted to keep because she had a happy smile or whatever. So the question I thought but didn't ask was, why does she send them? I doubt it's just because she feels like it. Either it's a response to one of their conversations or he asked for them. So I sent him some decent ones of me I found on facebook today, we'll see how that goes.
And it still bothers me how much they text. Apparently I'm not a good texter. I don't know. He doesn't reply to me at all sometimes. I have to call him to see what the fuck is up. Whatever.
But sometimes people restore your faith in humanity. When I posted my status on Facebook as "really, really depressed," I immediately got concerned "why?"s from two of the girls from work. It's so sweet.