i will

When I finally checked my phone this morning around 11:30 I had two voicemails from Jordan asking where I was... which meant he'd changed the schedule since I last looked (on Saturday) because I wasn't supposed to work today. Especially since I haven't worked Thursdays all winter break; I've specifically said I couldn't. ( Whatever. )

Beyond that. Called Mom today because a refund showed up in my checking from school. I bought my books and asked her if she might leave some of that money in there to help cover them; they were about $420, or will be if there are no used copies. So she agreed to leave half that amount and then proceeded to lecture me about how my savings hasn't been building money and how apparently I'm still supposed to be putting half my pay in savings. Well, that's not doable currently, but then again the only bill she's aware of me having to pay is my cell and she doesn't even know how much that is so maybe that's why she expects that from me. Although I do still have to pay for my own food and any new clothing etc I need, which can be a considerable amount of money by itself. Maybe she just overestimates what I make.

Whatever. It's not too heartening. She still hasn't called me though she mentioned she "misses hearing from me" in her email about a scholarship I told her I need to apply to. And I know she cares about me and I know she's having serious money issues, but at the same time I don't need her telling me that I'm not saving enough money when at least I'm saving something and not in any more debt than my student loans (which I'm already working toward paying off, albeit with baby steps) and I really don't need her asking me what I'm going to do if Danny and I "get sick of being so close all the time" if we live together next year. It's been over two years and I know I've been complaining in my recent posts but I freaking love him to death.

Today was really nice for us, actually, despite a fire alarm being pulled in the middle of My Bloody Valentine (which I was really enjoying and wanted to know the end of) and a couple little instances when Danny seemed to snap at me for no reason (but I suppose that reason would be that he slept really poorly last night). He's doing an inventory right now and I can't wait for him to get home so I can be sexy for him (schoolgirl skirt being the key piece of the outfit) and we can watch Smallville together.

I went to Hooters for the first time today. I had a lot of fun. Our waitress was amazing, very friendly and attentive... and when I asked her how she liked working there, she went into detail about how much she liked it and then asked me, "Can I get you an application?" I was very encouraged. Danny's all for it, too. I asked him if he'd really be okay with guys staring all day long and he said, "Well, you wouldn't tell me that part." Later on I asked him more about it, like if I have a day where some asshole really bugged me, and he said basically he just wouldn't want to hear something like "Today this guy groped my ass and his hands were so big," in his uncanny girly voice. I told him I wouldn't think like that anyway, and he said he knows, and that's why it wouldn't be a problem.

Anyway we bought me a shirt, and told his parents I was thinking of applying, and they were all for it too. His mom told me how her experience modeling when she was younger helped give her a foot in the door in the government job she got when she was nearly eighteen, and she's worked for the government ever since. His dad told me how much money girls there can make and gave me tips for getting better tips XD Plus I told my brother and his reaction was, "Oh, awesome! But wait, that would ruin Hooters for me! I could never go to a Hooters where my sister works." But he liked the idea.

I'm surprised by all the positive feedback and encouragement. I never wanted to be a waitress, but if I decided to do it, Hooters would be the ideal place, I think. I'm sure girls there get great tips, plus the menu is really simple, not like there's anything complex to remember. Just "Who ordered the extra spicy and who ordered the mild?" I mean, I'm not too concerned about sexual harrassment. A company like that has to have strong policies for it, and I'm sure most guys who go to the restaurant are perfectly good-natured and know not to expect much even if they do slip you their number. So I think I'm going to apply. Our waitress said if I come by Monday through Thursday between 2 and 4 with an application, a manager would sit down and talk with me.

So I'm just going to talk to my mom about it. She was a waitress at Pizza Hut when she was younger and I want her input.

I'm procrastinating again. I need to do my take-home final for HONR267. Tomorrow I need to study for my last final, which will be tomorrow night at 6:30. So yeah.

Oh, and I forgot to report on the ending of The Ruined Map. It was... very, very weird. He didn't find the missing husband. The wife's brother was murdered. This one weird coworker of the missing husband had led the detective to believe that the husband was dabbling in nude photos, weird ones, but eventually admitted to being a liar... lied poorly a bunch more... then called the detective and committed suicide while on the phone. The detective went to a cafe where a hushed up below the radar meeting of drivers was going on, and they beat the freaking stuffing out of him I guess out of fear that he was a cop, then threw him back in his truck. He went back to the wife, stayed the night there... tickled her, they may have fucked, I'm not entirely certain... and then all of a sudden a chapter starts that echoes the book opening word for word for a while, and we find out that the detective has gotten complete amnesia of some sort. The craziness. He calls this number that has been present throughout the story but never actually dialed and the wife picks up, only of course he doesn't recognize her... he begs for help, for her to come get him, but when she comes he hides in the shadows and chooses to disappear to make a life of his own choosing. THE STRANGE.

Work yesterday wasn't as bad as I expected. It was long as hell, sure, but I got all the dishes, mopping, etc that we couldn't finish Saturday night done by 9am when Amy came in.

I took some pictures with my camera and emailed some to my mom and some to Danny's mom; my roommates went to my mom so she can see who I live with, and the pictures I took of Hobbes went to Danny's mom. It was rainy yesterday so my photography was limited, but later this afternoon I'll probably take a break to take some pictures outside the house, and at some point I might post some.

Hogsmeade is over. I didn't do as much as I'd hope, but I still participated. =D Also, a couple days ago I ordered sigtags from wildmusings' Diagon shop, and she already finished them. Wow, she's quick!

I hate my AM honors teacher. As a teacher, I mean... as always hesitant to say I actually hate a person. But she's like... some kindergarten teacher who decided to come try teaching university, but never escaped the kindergarten mindset. She asks the dumb, "Did you bring enough for everyone?" question when you bring food to class -- I haven't had a single other teacher who gives a crap if you eat in class. I've even eaten genuine meals in class before, meaning I brought Panda Express to discussion twice. Once this semester, once last semester. I can't nod if in class or she'll have me stand up... today I was falling asleep so I leaned my head against my hand so that she couldn't see my eyes, but it just looked like I was looking down at the literature we were discussing. I totally caught a few winks like that, too, until Mike nudged my foot and whispered that she was staring at me.

I understand not wanting people to fall asleep in your class. But I don't fall asleep in my other two honors seminars. It's not my fault she's boring and has no idea what she's doing as a teacher. Once in a while I'll nod off in lecture, but of course they don't give a crap there. It's ridiculous, this happened last semester too. The class I thought I'd like best turned out to be my least favorite. All because of the teacher, too. This semester I'm definitely filling out the survey about my teacher for testudo so I can look at what other students said about the teachers I'm looking at having next semester.

( segue into thoughts about current and future college coursework... )

( no segue into work talk... )

I'm really excited about looking into jobs for the summer and next semester to get me away from working at Starbucks. I love the company (as a company to work for, maybe not to buy from), but I have such bad luck with getting a good manager there. I'm going to see about working full time at the gym over the summer, but if they won't let me I'll either have to get another part time job, perhaps manning the desk at Dorchester if possible to get a leg in for next semester, or try to work out doing full time during orientation and also part time at the gym. That would ease my mom's mind, at least. She's really worried about where I'll stay over the summer. She's still concerned that I could break up with Danny at any time, but I just don't see that happening. We've never even come close.

All this assuming I get hired for these positions, and god I hope so. I'm really hoping full time at the gym is possible during the summer... I mean, wouldn't they lose a lot of their employees over the summer because they go home to visit family?

I've babbled long enough for today.

I'm not gonna go too deeply into it because I'm tired, but I got into a sort of fight with my mom today... talked to Danny later, and the basic essence of it is that she feels like the moment something's going on with Danny or his family, I'm out the door to go over there. She said she feels like I'm taking advantage of her. Like maybe she shouldn't take out the loan to help me pay for college because what if I choose Danny and his family over my classes?

And that's never been a question for me. I'm going to school one way or another; sometimes I think it'd be easier if my parents had nothing to do with it, because then I could file for independent status and get an assload of financial aid, and then they couldn't try to make me feel guilty at every turn because they're helping put me through college. Anyway, school is very important to me. I want to succeed in life. If I can get an A, I'm getting an A. I'm not going to allow my grades to slip if I can do better. Hell, Danny wouldn't let me jeopardize my education.

And I've been a good kid. I've been Honor Roll my entire life, I've never gotten in real trouble, I've never even tried drugs, I've never stolen anything -- nothing. Now, I haven't been the best kid when it comes to chores, but I haven't been the worst either.

I think it's because she feels Danny is more important to me than her, than my family. And it's not that, exactly... it's just that I'm already at the stage when I shouldn't be living with my parents. I should be living with Danny. I'm already at that point when I'm building my own family, just like my parents did when they got married. I live at home because I have to, but I spend as much time as I can manage with Danny because at this point I can't live with him.

Ah. So tomorrow I have to go to the clinic to get my well woman's check up, get my birth control subscription renewed, and go buy my books at Maryland. So I'm going to sleep here in a few minutes.

We got back today from visiting Guilford... and I am so fucking stressed out. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

( I'm going to be honest. )

So I'm scared. Terrified. And I have two weeks to figure this out.

edit Communcations concentration does not equal journalism... I looked. I also looked up Maryland versus Guilford crime statistics, and yes, Maryland crime is higher... but it's also 40,000 students versus 2,500 students. Lol, that's a huge difference. I'd be amazed if the crime rate wasn't vastly different. Anyway, proportionally, it's not so bad at Maryland. Some things are probably worse, but others are proportionally the same, maybe even not as bad. I've been told Maryland's crime rates are horrible, but looking at them actually made me feel a little better. Eh.

Happy Valentine's Day, all x]

We were released two hours early for ice/snow yesterday at school, had no school today, and it's already been announced that schools are closed tomorrow. Danny stayed over last night, but not tonight... things to do. I wanted to stay with him, but Mom said no. Loudly. Vehemently. I don't know what her problem is.

Eh. Anyway. There's this weekend.

I can smell the flowers he got me. A yellow rose and a red rose. I was surprised... I made him brownies while he was at work and used decorative letter icing stuff to write Happy Valentine's Day on them, just on impulse, but I didn't expect anything special from him. It was a great surprise, and they smell so pretty, haha. Mom's asleep downstairs so I couldn't find a proper vase of some sort... so Danny had me put them in a Dasani water bottle, and it works well enough.

Mom just came upstairs randomly. I asked what was going on and she said she was checking to make sure I'm still here. I'm getting kind of annoyed. I guess it's my fault, I guess I've pressed too many buttons when it comes to spending time with Danny. But it's more than that. She can get stricter and I have to deal with that, it's fine, I earned it by being late and stuff. But stuff like her comment Friday, I dunno.

Oh well.

Writing. Ah. I'm so horrible. Aside from my version of doodling (writing down my thoughts), I haven't really written in months. It's horrible because the key word in 'writer' would be what? Write. And how much of that have I been doing?

I'm watching this Disney movie Read it and Weep about a girl whose journal got published by accident... and ugh. I know complaining doesn't help, doing helps. So I'm gonna stop complaining. I'll go to the bathroom, then sit down with the laptop and attempt to write something. Anything.

Later.

I had a great weekend, absolutely terrific. Danny's so sweet, such a traditionalist, not like me at all. Tradition can be great (it was this weekend), but I also like (and sometimes prefer) spontaneous stuff, I guess making new traditions.

He cooked for me. Did a whole meal thing. Served salad in martini glasses, lol, and then the main course -- chicken cacciatore, which was delicious... Danny was proud, haha, and I definitely enjoyed it. And last dessert, a piece of this heart-shaped cake I saw him and his mom making earlier (and that I rescued from the oven when I was the only one in the house when the timer went off). It was all very beautiful, on china with wine in wine glasses and candle light... I hate wine, but it was certainly a nice picture.

And of course we were both dressed up nice. We'd each seen each other's outfits before, but it was still very nice. We'd never dressed up at the same time before, and he'd just had a haircut and a shave, which was very fucking hot. Haha. I wore lotion with glitter in it and jewelry I hadn't worn before (except his Batman necklace, I always wear that). I even changed my earrings, shock and amazement -- I never do that. Speaking of which, I need to put those back in... Anyway, I also did up my hair... not especially nice, but different from what I usually do, which was a change. And I wore skyscraper heels, lol. But only for a little bit, they came off as soon as we sat down to eat and got left upstairs.

I loved it. I love that he'd do that for me. And the traditionalism is adorable. I'm a girl at heart -- I love the candle light and the dressing up, and him telling me I'm beautiful.

Before we left Friday night, while I was waiting for him to get home from work, I was talking to mom... how did we get on the subject? Oh, because I was being impatient, and mom said something like it's just because I love him more than anyone else right now... and then she said, "No, let's call it what it is: lust."

I was kind of surprised. My parents have been so supportive -- in contrast with Tim, they've shown they actually like Danny, and I didn't recognize the difference until it happened. They never said anything bad about Tim, they just never said anything good. It was a kind of feeling of resigned acceptance with Tim.

Except since they decided Danny's front tires are too bald and unsafe but he refused to change them because we looked it up and they're still safe according to everything we read on the internet, there have been little comments. Like when I lost my keys and Danny insisted they weren't at his place, he looked all over for a missing Wiimote and would have seen them along the way if they'd been there... I said, "You weren't looking for them, though, so you might have missed them," but he was insistent he would have seen them. (He was right. They'd fallen behind my desk at home.) Dad, though, said sarcastically, "It's good to know he cares enough to actually look for them." Stuff like that. Oh, and the thing that actually really bothered me, when my dad compared Danny to Uncle Matt for not changing his tires... I know how highly my parents regard Uncle Matt (/sarcasm), and it kind of pissed me off to have Danny compared to him.

I'm completely in love with him. I wasn't even too bothered by mom saying that. I didn't genuinely argue, I just said offhandedly, "No, it's love." She disagreed, but I left it alone. I dunno. My parents tend to have pretty good instincts, but they're also very harsh when it comes to judging whether someone's being good to me. The thing with Yuka, they were making comments, like my dad saying she wasn't being a good friend when she ignored my comfort and smoked in the car on the way to Baltimore, even when I said something about it. Which is true, but one thing by itself doesn't necessarily mean a friendship is sour. It was everything added up that led to the breakdown of mine and Yuka's friendship.

Besides, his tires may not be in the best condition, but we looked it up... 1/16th of an inch of tread is bald, and when that happens, there are tread wear indicator bars that show in the tires. I figure tire companies would have the most to gain from having you replace your tires more often by saying the tread is unsafe sooner, so... whatever. My parents are just overcautious sometimes. And they aren't there to see most of what occurs between me and Danny, so they have very little perspective on the situation.

I know how much I care about him, and I can see how much he cares about me. He's so good to me. He's fucking beautiful. I've been thinking too far ahead. I almost said that I get to plan the next Valentine's Day before I realized that's a whole year from now.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I guess I knew, but it struck me last night. It's been nearly three months and it still feels as exhilarating and perfect as at the beginning, if not moreso. No... definitely moreso. I love him so much.

( Thoughts... )

The cat's so cute. Did I ever say we got a new kitten? It's been almost a month, I think. I doubt I mentioned him here. But he's so adorable. They gave him a bath and Cris brought him in here all damp, and he laid out on my bed like "OMGSAFETY." He's got the most beautiful fucking eyes. Haha. He's just starting to get really lively as opposed to sleeping most of the time.

Hm. I'm hungry.

I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥