karriezai: ([misc] life's a bitch)
When I finally checked my phone this morning around 11:30 I had two voicemails from Jordan asking where I was... which meant he'd changed the schedule since I last looked (on Saturday) because I wasn't supposed to work today. Especially since I haven't worked Thursdays all winter break; I've specifically said I couldn't. Whatever. )

Beyond that. Called Mom today because a refund showed up in my checking from school. I bought my books and asked her if she might leave some of that money in there to help cover them; they were about $420, or will be if there are no used copies. So she agreed to leave half that amount and then proceeded to lecture me about how my savings hasn't been building money and how apparently I'm still supposed to be putting half my pay in savings. Well, that's not doable currently, but then again the only bill she's aware of me having to pay is my cell and she doesn't even know how much that is so maybe that's why she expects that from me. Although I do still have to pay for my own food and any new clothing etc I need, which can be a considerable amount of money by itself. Maybe she just overestimates what I make.

Whatever. It's not too heartening. She still hasn't called me though she mentioned she "misses hearing from me" in her email about a scholarship I told her I need to apply to. And I know she cares about me and I know she's having serious money issues, but at the same time I don't need her telling me that I'm not saving enough money when at least I'm saving something and not in any more debt than my student loans (which I'm already working toward paying off, albeit with baby steps) and I really don't need her asking me what I'm going to do if Danny and I "get sick of being so close all the time" if we live together next year. It's been over two years and I know I've been complaining in my recent posts but I freaking love him to death.

Today was really nice for us, actually, despite a fire alarm being pulled in the middle of My Bloody Valentine (which I was really enjoying and wanted to know the end of) and a couple little instances when Danny seemed to snap at me for no reason (but I suppose that reason would be that he slept really poorly last night). He's doing an inventory right now and I can't wait for him to get home so I can be sexy for him (schoolgirl skirt being the key piece of the outfit) and we can watch Smallville together.
karriezai: ([kh] [axel] nobody noheart nosoul)

The front car in the accident yesterday called USAA to file a claim, but so far the woman in the middle car hasn't called and no one's been able to reach her. Which is fine with me, the guy's damage was super minimal. Apparently it was like the screws on her front license plate scraped his paint up some, which he only called for because his car's pretty brand new.

And um.

My parents called to tell me that next year they won't be able to take out any more loans for my college. They'll keep up with the ones they already have, but that's all.

Which, I mean, will probably be manageable. I won't be in the dorms anymore, so my costs will be drastically reduced. My financial aid will probably go up since my mom went from making $26/hr to making $10/hr between tax periods. I'll try to be more serious about looking into scholarships... since I have good grades in college, I may be able to find something. Tuition and fees without room and board (but including things like the gym and such) is currently at about $4000 a semester, $8000 a year. I have a $5000 a year scholarship. Not bad. I think I can handle $3000 a year in student loans just paying interest. I may even spring for a meal plan, I'm not sure. I'll talk to some financial advisors at school and see what they say.

But it sucks. )
karriezai: ([me] [cell] cleavage)
I went to Hooters for the first time today. I had a lot of fun. Our waitress was amazing, very friendly and attentive... and when I asked her how she liked working there, she went into detail about how much she liked it and then asked me, "Can I get you an application?" I was very encouraged. Danny's all for it, too. I asked him if he'd really be okay with guys staring all day long and he said, "Well, you wouldn't tell me that part." Later on I asked him more about it, like if I have a day where some asshole really bugged me, and he said basically he just wouldn't want to hear something like "Today this guy groped my ass and his hands were so big," in his uncanny girly voice. I told him I wouldn't think like that anyway, and he said he knows, and that's why it wouldn't be a problem.

Anyway we bought me a shirt, and told his parents I was thinking of applying, and they were all for it too. His mom told me how her experience modeling when she was younger helped give her a foot in the door in the government job she got when she was nearly eighteen, and she's worked for the government ever since. His dad told me how much money girls there can make and gave me tips for getting better tips XD Plus I told my brother and his reaction was, "Oh, awesome! But wait, that would ruin Hooters for me! I could never go to a Hooters where my sister works." But he liked the idea.

I'm surprised by all the positive feedback and encouragement. I never wanted to be a waitress, but if I decided to do it, Hooters would be the ideal place, I think. I'm sure girls there get great tips, plus the menu is really simple, not like there's anything complex to remember. Just "Who ordered the extra spicy and who ordered the mild?" I mean, I'm not too concerned about sexual harrassment. A company like that has to have strong policies for it, and I'm sure most guys who go to the restaurant are perfectly good-natured and know not to expect much even if they do slip you their number. So I think I'm going to apply. Our waitress said if I come by Monday through Thursday between 2 and 4 with an application, a manager would sit down and talk with me.

So I'm just going to talk to my mom about it. She was a waitress at Pizza Hut when she was younger and I want her input.
karriezai: ([avatar] halp!)
Airline tickets are ridiculous expensive. I was looking at roundtrip flights for two adults from BWI to Panama City (FL) and it said roughly $400, which I thought was manageable, until I read "per person". Then I wanted to cry.

Southwest is the cheapest I can find, but it doesn't go to Panama City. We'd have to fly to Jacksonville and my mom would have to pick us up (two hour drive or so one-way), and it'd be $422 for both of us roundtrip. (I checked. That's definitely for both of us, not per person.) Still, it's rough.

Expenses I'm looking at for next year without worrying about airline tickets: about $500 for parking for the year plus whatever books cost, which could range anywhere from $100 or so to $500 or so. Probably around the $200 range; I don't think I'll have (m)any textbooks next year, which are the killers.

Then there's airfare. I'd hope I could help Danny with his ticket. I don't want him to have to spend $200+. But I don't have that much money, not even if I empty my savings. I'll have to talk to mom. I asked her to text/call when she takes her lunch today so we'll see.

ETA I keep forgetting to mention... I don't know if I'll be able to double major in psyc. If I do, I'll have to compete to get into the program because I'm not going to make the easy enrollment deadline. I may minor/double major in Philosophy though, and I'll still look into psyc.

:D Can't wait to get all the way up to date with Avatar. I think I'll end up writing fanfic. Did I mention Iroh is a beast?
karriezai: ([asoiaf] know nothing)
I'm procrastinating again. I need to do my take-home final for HONR267. Tomorrow I need to study for my last final, which will be tomorrow night at 6:30. So yeah.

Oh, and I forgot to report on the ending of The Ruined Map. It was... very, very weird. He didn't find the missing husband. The wife's brother was murdered. This one weird coworker of the missing husband had led the detective to believe that the husband was dabbling in nude photos, weird ones, but eventually admitted to being a liar... lied poorly a bunch more... then called the detective and committed suicide while on the phone. The detective went to a cafe where a hushed up below the radar meeting of drivers was going on, and they beat the freaking stuffing out of him I guess out of fear that he was a cop, then threw him back in his truck. He went back to the wife, stayed the night there... tickled her, they may have fucked, I'm not entirely certain... and then all of a sudden a chapter starts that echoes the book opening word for word for a while, and we find out that the detective has gotten complete amnesia of some sort. The craziness. He calls this number that has been present throughout the story but never actually dialed and the wife picks up, only of course he doesn't recognize her... he begs for help, for her to come get him, but when she comes he hides in the shadows and chooses to disappear to make a life of his own choosing. THE STRANGE.

Work yesterday wasn't as bad as I expected. It was long as hell, sure, but I got all the dishes, mopping, etc that we couldn't finish Saturday night done by 9am when Amy came in.

I took some pictures with my camera and emailed some to my mom and some to Danny's mom; my roommates went to my mom so she can see who I live with, and the pictures I took of Hobbes went to Danny's mom. It was rainy yesterday so my photography was limited, but later this afternoon I'll probably take a break to take some pictures outside the house, and at some point I might post some.

Hogsmeade is over. I didn't do as much as I'd hope, but I still participated. =D Also, a couple days ago I ordered sigtags from [livejournal.com profile] wildmusings' Diagon shop, and she already finished them. Wow, she's quick!

karriezai: ([asoiaf] bugger everything)
So today is really very mixed good and bad. )

Also, Hogsmeade's running at [livejournal.com profile] hogwarts_elite now. I even made time to enter a couple of the contests already. There's no way I'll be able to do any of the more time-consuming ones, but I might get to a couple shorter ones tomorrow too.

And starting next Monday my work availability will be any time but Wednesdays, Sundays, and after 4pm on Saturdays. I made sure George had seen it, and he said yes and he'll be making the schedule for that week on Monday. Technically I have about the same number or more available hours as before, but it's awesome for me since it means I won't work Danny's days off or close Saturdays, and it'll just be work, no school. For the summer, at least...

And I really have to work on transferring to College Park. I guess it's not so pressing for this summer, but during next semester it'll be much more convenient working at the College Park Starbucks.
karriezai: ([house] wtf?)
I hate my AM honors teacher. As a teacher, I mean... as always hesitant to say I actually hate a person. But she's like... some kindergarten teacher who decided to come try teaching university, but never escaped the kindergarten mindset. She asks the dumb, "Did you bring enough for everyone?" question when you bring food to class -- I haven't had a single other teacher who gives a crap if you eat in class. I've even eaten genuine meals in class before, meaning I brought Panda Express to discussion twice. Once this semester, once last semester. I can't nod if in class or she'll have me stand up... today I was falling asleep so I leaned my head against my hand so that she couldn't see my eyes, but it just looked like I was looking down at the literature we were discussing. I totally caught a few winks like that, too, until Mike nudged my foot and whispered that she was staring at me.

I understand not wanting people to fall asleep in your class. But I don't fall asleep in my other two honors seminars. It's not my fault she's boring and has no idea what she's doing as a teacher. Once in a while I'll nod off in lecture, but of course they don't give a crap there. It's ridiculous, this happened last semester too. The class I thought I'd like best turned out to be my least favorite. All because of the teacher, too. This semester I'm definitely filling out the survey about my teacher for testudo so I can look at what other students said about the teachers I'm looking at having next semester.

segue into thoughts about current and future college coursework... )

no segue into work talk... )

I'm really excited about looking into jobs for the summer and next semester to get me away from working at Starbucks. I love the company (as a company to work for, maybe not to buy from), but I have such bad luck with getting a good manager there. I'm going to see about working full time at the gym over the summer, but if they won't let me I'll either have to get another part time job, perhaps manning the desk at Dorchester if possible to get a leg in for next semester, or try to work out doing full time during orientation and also part time at the gym. That would ease my mom's mind, at least. She's really worried about where I'll stay over the summer. She's still concerned that I could break up with Danny at any time, but I just don't see that happening. We've never even come close.

All this assuming I get hired for these positions, and god I hope so. I'm really hoping full time at the gym is possible during the summer... I mean, wouldn't they lose a lot of their employees over the summer because they go home to visit family?

I've babbled long enough for today.
karriezai: ([hp] avada kedavra)
This morning when I was leaving for work I backed into Alli's car. I went to look at it, and at first glance I didn't think the damage was that bad... noticeable, but only if you're looking. If you're in a hurry, you'll miss it. I went inside to tell Danny anyway, and he said not to worry about it right now, so I went back outside. I looked at it again and decided it was worse than I'd first thought. It was noticeable, but I didn't think it would interfere with anything. I hit the back of the front tire well, but it also dented above the well a little even though I didn't touch that. I went ahead to work, but when I got there I tried calling Danny first thing and ended up having to leave him a voicemail. I said I'd looked again and it was worse than I thought, and basically that I didn't know what to do. But he never got that voicemail, apparently.

Justin called me at work and asked me what happened, and I said I don't know, I guess I didn't judge the distance right, I don't know, and (I think) something along the lines of Alli was asleep so I didn't want to wake her right then, I wanted to wait to tell her. He just gave me her number and said I needed to call her. He was surprisingly cool about it. I called her right away and she was pretty cool too, said the problem was her door wouldn't open now and she needed to meet some classmates for a group project. She was handling it and said we'd exchange insurance information later on. Which we did, and then on my lunch I called her again to apologize for not waking her right then. I hadn't realized it would cause any real problems with the car (like the door not opening) and I thought it was something that could sit until she was awake and I was off work, but I should have told her right away anyway. She said it was okay; she wished I had told her right away, but it worked out in the end.

So I just got home and called Danny to update him on all this. I told him I was most worried about talking to Justin even though he was cool on the phone earlier... and Danny said when Justin got home from work, he input the password on the video monitoring system on the property and they watched me back into her. I'd made it sound like I judged the distance wrong, but what really happened was I blanked on the fact that she was even home. I was concentrating on not hitting this ADT sign that's always next to my car and just not paying enough attention to what was behind me, so it wasn't just that I didn't turn the wheel enough, it's that I hardly turned it at all -- hence why I hit her front wheel well and not the back end of the car. In the end it's my fault either way, whether I judged the distance wrong or wasn't paying enough attention... but it still makes me feel worse. Especially from talking to Danny. "We watched you just ram her car, you didn't turn the wheel at all." I could see Justin being pretty angry. But I'll deal with it. I didn't handle things as well as I should have, but it's not like I dodged responsibility or anything. And I feel really badly. I would pay for it myself if insurance couldn't -- I have money for it. And I did learn that these things can't just sit -- they have to be handled right away. You never know -- I mean, it didn't even occur to me that her door would be affected, but it was.

So I'm really hoping I'm never in the situation again, but if I am, I know to tell the owner immediately, even if it means calling in late to work or whatever else. And of course, just to be more careful! I can drive alright now, but I still have my insecurities, and I should know better than to pay too little attention when backing up. I'm not that good at backing to begin with!

D= Well. Now to shower. And likely to talk to Justin and Alli first -- it sounds like they're home, and I haven't seen them face to face yet.

Edit: Justin just came in to talk to me, he was completely fine about it. He joked about watching the video of it and mimed Alli's and my reactions to it... and Dennis walking out and checking it out, and then Danny. Haha. So I guess in the end the worst reaction I get is from Danny... and it wasn't that bad, I think it's just because I'm more sensitive to what he thinks about whatever I do. Even my mom was completely cool. She just said she backed into some woman's car at a gas station in Germany once. Basically everyone said, "It happens to everyone at least once."
karriezai: ([mine] [hp] hermione nothing is real)
I'm not gonna go too deeply into it because I'm tired, but I got into a sort of fight with my mom today... talked to Danny later, and the basic essence of it is that she feels like the moment something's going on with Danny or his family, I'm out the door to go over there. She said she feels like I'm taking advantage of her. Like maybe she shouldn't take out the loan to help me pay for college because what if I choose Danny and his family over my classes?

And that's never been a question for me. I'm going to school one way or another; sometimes I think it'd be easier if my parents had nothing to do with it, because then I could file for independent status and get an assload of financial aid, and then they couldn't try to make me feel guilty at every turn because they're helping put me through college. Anyway, school is very important to me. I want to succeed in life. If I can get an A, I'm getting an A. I'm not going to allow my grades to slip if I can do better. Hell, Danny wouldn't let me jeopardize my education.

And I've been a good kid. I've been Honor Roll my entire life, I've never gotten in real trouble, I've never even tried drugs, I've never stolen anything -- nothing. Now, I haven't been the best kid when it comes to chores, but I haven't been the worst either.

I think it's because she feels Danny is more important to me than her, than my family. And it's not that, exactly... it's just that I'm already at the stage when I shouldn't be living with my parents. I should be living with Danny. I'm already at that point when I'm building my own family, just like my parents did when they got married. I live at home because I have to, but I spend as much time as I can manage with Danny because at this point I can't live with him.

Ah. So tomorrow I have to go to the clinic to get my well woman's check up, get my birth control subscription renewed, and go buy my books at Maryland. So I'm going to sleep here in a few minutes.
karriezai: ([house] finding nemo)
Poor Danny had a horrible hangover today so he picked me up after school and went in to work late... but he's at work now, and he'll be there until 7:30. He's supposed to bring back this girl who works there that he had a brief thing with to watch Deja-Vu, and at first I was really freaked out by it. Danny was like, "There's no emotional attachment at all, we were just good friends and we hooked up after a party once." And I guess it didn't occur to him that that's just as weird to me. I can't do casual sex. And I've never had any desire to meet someone who's slept with him. Weeeiiird. I'll be okay... I mean, it's just a weird psychological thing. I don't understand it. I trust him and I know how much he cares about me, but for some reason, it just still seems weird. But whatever, he said we'd try it this once, and if it's too weird we won't do it again. But I'm sure it'll be fine, I was just psyching myself out.

Mother's Day is Sunday... hum. I made my mom a card. I feel bad because I want to spend the day with Danny. It just seems like I'll hardly see him this weekend. He was supposed to have an eight hour shift today, and even though it wasn't that long, I didn't have that much time with him. And tomorrow another eight hour shift in the middle of the day. But Danny's mom is out of town, so maybe he'll stay the night over at my house. Maybe we'll take mom out to breakfast as a family or something, I dunno.

I feel bad because I have no desire to spend any real time with my parents ninety nine percent of the time. It's just like my dad said however long ago. I was supposed to be out of the house almost a year ago. I'm ready to be on my own and they're ready to get rid of me. I've overstayed my welcome. (Yes, he said that.) Eh.
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] headfirst into darkness)
We got back today from visiting Guilford... and I am so fucking stressed out. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

I'm going to be honest. )

So I'm scared. Terrified. And I have two weeks to figure this out.

edit Communcations concentration does not equal journalism... I looked. I also looked up Maryland versus Guilford crime statistics, and yes, Maryland crime is higher... but it's also 40,000 students versus 2,500 students. Lol, that's a huge difference. I'd be amazed if the crime rate wasn't vastly different. Anyway, proportionally, it's not so bad at Maryland. Some things are probably worse, but others are proportionally the same, maybe even not as bad. I've been told Maryland's crime rates are horrible, but looking at them actually made me feel a little better. Eh.
karriezai: ([me] [cell] danny sleeping)
Alright, so, quite a bit has happened in the -- what, week? -- I haven't updated. Here's hoping I get it all out without rambling too much. Meh.

Sooo. I got my actual acceptance letter to Maryland the Saturday after I got the email. I was accepted to the University Honors program, too. No news on merit-based scholarships, but I checked the website today and it says acceptance letters come by March 1st and notification of merit-based scholarships starts coming in early March all the way through early April. So I guess we'll see. Since I got into University Honors, I know I at least stand a chance at being one of the candidates for the Banneker-Key Award... it'd be great to get that one, because the person chosen for the full Banneker-Key Award gets a full ride, books, room and board, everything. But we'll see. Any candidates for the award who get invited to the luncheon for it in spring are supposed to get some money, but only the overall winner gets the full ride.

We spent last weekend together, as usual... nothing especially spectacular happened, we just had our usual great time. All the way through Monday, which I had off for president's day or whatever. I went back to school Tuesday. I was supposed to tell Mrs. Washington, the senior administrator, about getting accepted to College Park, but I didn't. Why do I need it announced? I just told one or two of my friends. Chris, one of maybe three white boys at the school (and certainly the coolest of them), got in too and is already wearing a Terps jacket to school everyday. (For anyone who doesn't know, the UM mascot is a turtle and kids going to Maryland are called Terps.) Ashtony, the other white girl who got higher than a 1200 (on the 1600 scale) on the SAT and who's in line to be either valedictorian or salutatorian, also got in. And this other kid I don't really know -- I just remember him being on the Visit Maryland trip with a bunch of us. But we're the only four I know of so far at my school.

Tuesday we had what was my only Mock Trial practice before our first prosecution match... and Wednesday at the match we were steamrolled over by Bowie. I was a witness, but when we got to the actual match I was dying to be a lawyer so I could do something, anything, when the Bowie kids made objections we should have fought and didn't... and things like that. We lost horribly. I don't really mind since I don't want to win enough that we go on to the next level, but at the same time I'm a perfectionist and I hate getting stomped like that when I know there were things we could have done better. So from now on I'm a lawyer. They wanted me to be a lawyer all along, but I wasn't prepared to deal with objections, because I didn't know anything about them. But I read up on them in the Mock Trial guidebook we have, and I think I'll be okay.

One thing I learned from Bowie is to object loudly and often. If the other team doesn't know what it's doing, even objections that shouldn't make it through can. We play defense next, so we'll see how that works out. I hope I don't get up there and then suck as a lawyer despite all these feelings that I know what to do and blah blah blah.

Danny's birthday and following events )

edit cont'd Soooo. Mom woke me up this morning (at like 11:30) with my acceptance letter from Guilford College in North Carolina. She'd opened it already and told me I got a $48,000 scholarship with a chance to try for $10,000 more, and although I was happy, I also went "Oh, shit," in my head because I have no money from Maryland (at least so far) and my parents are gonna pressure me to go to the school that offers me the most money. I'd really rather go to Maryland. Danny's a big part of it now, but it's more than that. I know the area here already, I know kids who're going to go to Maryland too, I know what I can major in there (no fucking clue what to major in at Guilford), and I fell in love with their Writer's House program when I went on Visit Maryland Day. Especially that last one. I mean, I'm not gonna lie and say Danny plays no part in it, but... I've been leaning toward Maryland ever since Visit Maryland Day. So whatever.

Danny keeps assuring me I'm a smart girl, I'll get enough money so I can afford to go to Maryland, and if I have to I can take out a student loan -- I'm a smart girl, he knows I'll make enough once I graduate to pay it off. It's sweet and supportive. Especially when I admit he's part of me preferring Maryland and he says he doesn't want it to be like that, but he does think Maryland would be better for me, because college is more than just learning -- and Maryland is a great school for learning -- it's also about the experience, and Greensboro is small.

This is the most honest way I can put it. If not for Danny, I wouldn't not want to go to Guilford, I just wouldn't prefer it. But with Danny, I don't really want to go there. It's a difference, but either way I prefer Maryland.

Blah. Anyway, I called my grandmother today because I felt like talking to her. I told her all about the college thing and skiing and junk. She kept saying how it sounds like Danny and I are getting really serious and even mentioning wedding-type stuff. It's weird to talk about. It's only been three and a half months. I mean, I can't see why we wouldn't last -- I love him so much, it's only gotten better, I can tell he feels the same -- but anything can happen and I know that. Especially when time to start college rolls around -- that's a lot of changes. But I'm not too worried, about college itself or about us. So whatever. Still, I always feel hesitant trying to think into the future. I mean, we practically live together on weekends, but I feel weird even thinking about actually living together. Maybe just because it's a long way off, for several reasons, not least of which being that we both live with our parents. It might happen, it might not. No point thinking about it, I guess.

I'm so tired. I guess that's it. I'm setting my alarm to get up and call Danny in the morning. I told him I'd do it. Haha. -evil grin- Not that early, though. Sooo, good night.
karriezai: ([misc] golden years)
Happy Valentine's Day, all x]

We were released two hours early for ice/snow yesterday at school, had no school today, and it's already been announced that schools are closed tomorrow. Danny stayed over last night, but not tonight... things to do. I wanted to stay with him, but Mom said no. Loudly. Vehemently. I don't know what her problem is.

Eh. Anyway. There's this weekend.

I can smell the flowers he got me. A yellow rose and a red rose. I was surprised... I made him brownies while he was at work and used decorative letter icing stuff to write Happy Valentine's Day on them, just on impulse, but I didn't expect anything special from him. It was a great surprise, and they smell so pretty, haha. Mom's asleep downstairs so I couldn't find a proper vase of some sort... so Danny had me put them in a Dasani water bottle, and it works well enough.

Mom just came upstairs randomly. I asked what was going on and she said she was checking to make sure I'm still here. I'm getting kind of annoyed. I guess it's my fault, I guess I've pressed too many buttons when it comes to spending time with Danny. But it's more than that. She can get stricter and I have to deal with that, it's fine, I earned it by being late and stuff. But stuff like her comment Friday, I dunno.

Oh well.

Writing. Ah. I'm so horrible. Aside from my version of doodling (writing down my thoughts), I haven't really written in months. It's horrible because the key word in 'writer' would be what? Write. And how much of that have I been doing?

I'm watching this Disney movie Read it and Weep about a girl whose journal got published by accident... and ugh. I know complaining doesn't help, doing helps. So I'm gonna stop complaining. I'll go to the bathroom, then sit down with the laptop and attempt to write something. Anything.

karriezai: ([kh] hero / anti-hero)
Ha. We had this luncheon at school today for kids with a 4.0 or higher. I missed the first thirty minutes of third period to attend, and I don't have a fourth period, so I was trying to decide whether I wanted to go to the end of third period or just go home/go see Danny. I decided on going to see Danny, but I was hanging out in front of the portable where my third period was with Brandon and Mae (friends of mine who share that class with me) because we were all trying to decide whether to skip... and then the teacher just opened the door and looked out at us. We each kinda mumbled a little "uh-oh." I was on the phone with Danny and just repeated "uh-oh" again. Agreed to call him back.

The sub for that class (another reason I didn't want to go; I miss my teacher, who got sick visiting in Africa, and the sub is an idiot) just kinda sat there like, "What's up?" He didn't tell us to come in, just kinda seemed like wtf is going on?

So while Mae and Brandon kind of sat there stalling for a few minutes, I went "fuck it" mentally and turned and left. Mae was like, "You're not coming?" Lol. I just left school and went to meet Danny. I metroed over to his station, and traffic between there and his house was refuckingdiculous. I dunno what happened, but it was crazy.

We hung out and had fun, just usual junk really. ♥

Tomorrow I have to do my taxes with mom. And it's supposed to snow. There may be a snow day... but I'm not sure. I hope so, tomorrow and Wednesday. It'd be great. If the roads are icy tomorrow night, Danny may just stay the night as opposed to driving home.

Righto. I think I might try to find something to snack on.
karriezai: ([me] [cell] kissing danny)
I had a great weekend, absolutely terrific. Danny's so sweet, such a traditionalist, not like me at all. Tradition can be great (it was this weekend), but I also like (and sometimes prefer) spontaneous stuff, I guess making new traditions.

He cooked for me. Did a whole meal thing. Served salad in martini glasses, lol, and then the main course -- chicken cacciatore, which was delicious... Danny was proud, haha, and I definitely enjoyed it. And last dessert, a piece of this heart-shaped cake I saw him and his mom making earlier (and that I rescued from the oven when I was the only one in the house when the timer went off). It was all very beautiful, on china with wine in wine glasses and candle light... I hate wine, but it was certainly a nice picture.

And of course we were both dressed up nice. We'd each seen each other's outfits before, but it was still very nice. We'd never dressed up at the same time before, and he'd just had a haircut and a shave, which was very fucking hot. Haha. I wore lotion with glitter in it and jewelry I hadn't worn before (except his Batman necklace, I always wear that). I even changed my earrings, shock and amazement -- I never do that. Speaking of which, I need to put those back in... Anyway, I also did up my hair... not especially nice, but different from what I usually do, which was a change. And I wore skyscraper heels, lol. But only for a little bit, they came off as soon as we sat down to eat and got left upstairs.

I loved it. I love that he'd do that for me. And the traditionalism is adorable. I'm a girl at heart -- I love the candle light and the dressing up, and him telling me I'm beautiful.

Before we left Friday night, while I was waiting for him to get home from work, I was talking to mom... how did we get on the subject? Oh, because I was being impatient, and mom said something like it's just because I love him more than anyone else right now... and then she said, "No, let's call it what it is: lust."

I was kind of surprised. My parents have been so supportive -- in contrast with Tim, they've shown they actually like Danny, and I didn't recognize the difference until it happened. They never said anything bad about Tim, they just never said anything good. It was a kind of feeling of resigned acceptance with Tim.

Except since they decided Danny's front tires are too bald and unsafe but he refused to change them because we looked it up and they're still safe according to everything we read on the internet, there have been little comments. Like when I lost my keys and Danny insisted they weren't at his place, he looked all over for a missing Wiimote and would have seen them along the way if they'd been there... I said, "You weren't looking for them, though, so you might have missed them," but he was insistent he would have seen them. (He was right. They'd fallen behind my desk at home.) Dad, though, said sarcastically, "It's good to know he cares enough to actually look for them." Stuff like that. Oh, and the thing that actually really bothered me, when my dad compared Danny to Uncle Matt for not changing his tires... I know how highly my parents regard Uncle Matt (/sarcasm), and it kind of pissed me off to have Danny compared to him.

I'm completely in love with him. I wasn't even too bothered by mom saying that. I didn't genuinely argue, I just said offhandedly, "No, it's love." She disagreed, but I left it alone. I dunno. My parents tend to have pretty good instincts, but they're also very harsh when it comes to judging whether someone's being good to me. The thing with Yuka, they were making comments, like my dad saying she wasn't being a good friend when she ignored my comfort and smoked in the car on the way to Baltimore, even when I said something about it. Which is true, but one thing by itself doesn't necessarily mean a friendship is sour. It was everything added up that led to the breakdown of mine and Yuka's friendship.

Besides, his tires may not be in the best condition, but we looked it up... 1/16th of an inch of tread is bald, and when that happens, there are tread wear indicator bars that show in the tires. I figure tire companies would have the most to gain from having you replace your tires more often by saying the tread is unsafe sooner, so... whatever. My parents are just overcautious sometimes. And they aren't there to see most of what occurs between me and Danny, so they have very little perspective on the situation.

I know how much I care about him, and I can see how much he cares about me. He's so good to me. He's fucking beautiful. I've been thinking too far ahead. I almost said that I get to plan the next Valentine's Day before I realized that's a whole year from now.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I guess I knew, but it struck me last night. It's been nearly three months and it still feels as exhilarating and perfect as at the beginning, if not moreso. No... definitely moreso. I love him so much.

Thoughts... )

The cat's so cute. Did I ever say we got a new kitten? It's been almost a month, I think. I doubt I mentioned him here. But he's so adorable. They gave him a bath and Cris brought him in here all damp, and he laid out on my bed like "OMGSAFETY." He's got the most beautiful fucking eyes. Haha. He's just starting to get really lively as opposed to sleeping most of the time.

Hm. I'm hungry.
karriezai: (Default)
Friday barely exists for me. Thursday I went to bed at... one-ish after watching Click. No school on Friday, just work at 4, so one was a reasonable bedtime, yes? (Click was decent, by the way. I enjoyed watching it, at least.)

Woke up Friday at one in the afternoon (after waking up once or twice during the night and trying cough drops and that throat spray to no effect until my dose of medicine kicked in) and had no voice. At all. It was kinda scary really. So I had Cris call my parents so one of them could call my work to say I wasn't coming in. (I knew he'd be too chicken to call himself, the big scaredybear.) Went back to sleep at like... three. Slept on and off until twelve Saturday (today). So out of those twenty-four hours, I was awake maybe twenty? Ish? That's a lot of sleep. So today when I woke up, I felt weirdly... floaty. Like I was just dreaming, and everything that had happened before was a dream too. I finally distinguished reality from dream (because I did dream a little, about Egan)... but it took forever for that floaty feeling to go away. Until just now, really. No... it's kinda still there. Whatever.

Anyway, I saw The Prestige with mom and Cris, and I really liked it. A freaking ton. It's one of those that I get out of the movie and I just want to babble on with someone about theories, events, what this meant, where this fit in, blah blah blah... but mom and Cris aren't those sorts of people, so I had to shut up. On a day when I was feeling better, I might not have shut up, haha.

I work tomorrow. I'm starting to feel better, so I'm gonna go in. It's just four hours. I already lost like five and a half this week when I only had 13 to begin with, so yeah, let's not lose any more.

Danny's at my Starbucks now. I guess he was permanently transferred finally. They've been talking about it.

Righto. Tata.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"


It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥
karriezai: (Default)
NaNo's next month. I'm not quite sure what I'll do yet, but I will participate. I'll probably either go for 30k, 60k, or submitting a WotF short story (meaning write it the first 20 or so days, revise & send it in the last bit of the month).

Work was long today. (I almost typed togay, wow.) I took Ashley's shift, so it was eight hours. But Claude's fun to work with, generally, so even though it was FORFREAKINGEVER it seemed, it was cool. I work tomorrow for four and a half hours, and then I have Monday off from school and from work. I'm probably gonna do something with Robert and Alicia (separately probably, but yeah) then. I've been texting Robert like crazy, and now I'm talking to him online, and Egan's on too finally... it's fun. Egan's beating up Cris via internet and Robert (aka pretend david) is flashing his nice rack. And I keep getting harrassed and distracted and... yeah. It's great.

When I was talking about Robert and Dad asked who it was.. I told him, and he said, "Oh, he's the new boyfriend?" And mom said, "No, it's like with CJ, they're friends but there's nothing there." And... I dunno, I'm not sure what to think. Dad was like, "Oh, you mean there's nothing there?" gesturing between his ears, and then clarified to he acts like nothing's there, and I piped in with "CJ ISN'T stupid! CJ doesn't act stupid!" Because he's my friend, haha, and yeah nothing's there in that one.

And a tiny part of me wonders if Mom said that because they're both black, because she doesn't know Robert but for the one time I introduced them for five seconds, so how can she know that at all? She can't. She's assuming.

The thing is I AM flirting with Robert, absolutely. And I wouldn't do anything because I don't have myself sorted out, and it isn't fair to mess with someone's head even if it's because your own isn't straight. So I'm flirting with everyone equally to be fair, but I do kinda like Robert, but I still like Egan, I still like Egan more, I care a whole fucking lot for Egan -- ha. And I know the likelihood that this thing between us will fade away because of the sheer distance between us and the time it'll be there, but I don't want it to, but I don't want to hold on just for the sake of it... and I guess I know that even if one or both of us gets into other relationships now, that doesn't mean there's no later.

...good point.

Anyway, I hardly know Robert, I think I'm just hormonal and he's fun and... attractive, certainly. So I'm not even going to worry. It's funny, I'm not really worried, I think about it a little but it's like... whatever happens will happen, and there's nothing to even worry about now because dude.

So I'm probably seeing a movie with Robert Monday.

I'm sleepy. Jesus it's 2 in the morning already, I should be asleep. But I don't wanna.


karriezai: (Default)

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