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the dust settles
12/11/10 02:21Had another talk with Danny. Well another breakdown. I told him I didn't feel loved, like he was telling me and telling himself but I couldn't feel it. He said he was sorry for the distance but it's hard...
Basically this is where it stands. In a way, he was dating another girl for the last two years and he just broke up with her, so he's mourning. And having me here makes it better but harder at the same time. He really isn't sure about us because he's in so much pain it's hard for him to tell whether we can be happy again.
All of this kills me, of course. The person I most want comfort from is him but he can't really give it. But I'm willing to wait it out, at least a while. The truth is that I want to be with him and that while this hurts like crazy it doesn't change that basic fact. I'm going to have a lot of trust issues to work out with him, but I can wait on that until he makes up his mind. I do think we'll be together in the end. He just needs time to heal.
In the meantime I have to balance my need for comfort with his need for space. He wants things to be normal because if we don't try to return to our normal lives this will never heal. I understand that.
In a way this explains a whole hell of a lot. He told me he's not a lovey person and I'll have to learn to deal with it, but I pointed out that we had no problem with physical intimacy in the beginning, and my needs there haven't changed. It's gotten worse and worse over the last few months, and now that I see the whole picture I think his conflict over Morgan has been a huge part of that. I'm hoping that now that that door is closed, he can heal properly and we can be closer without him pushing me away.
We'll figure it out in time I think. I hope.