![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Okay, so yesterday was freaking blah. I woke up at 1:30 X) Cris came in at ten to get me up and I said 'Come back at eleven.' And he came back at eleven and I said, 'You should lay down with me for a while.' And we fell asleep until 1:30.
In other news, Dad is back on nights. Which... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. -sigh-
Anyway, I was thinking. I'm always doing something to fuck up Cris' school. It's just... I'm expected to get Cris through his school, do my own school, and do chores. And then, if I have time, y'know... have a life. It wouldn't be so bad except that Cris can't do anything on his own. You give him the tiniest amount of slack and he'll fucking hang himself with the rope you've given him. I am supposed to be up his ass about his school work every day, check to make sure he's done every little thing, help him with any problems he may have, ask him questions to make sure he's actually read everything... make sure he put his vocabulary in the computer... Agh. I don't have any help with my schoolwork. No one teaches me or checks up on me. On the one hand I'm glad about that since I can slack off and not work for a day and Dad doesn't know. On the other, I'm afraid I'm not motivated enough to get myself through school on time on my own. I have five more courses to do by the end of May/beginning of June. That's one a month. I'm sure I can do it if I really bear down, but I'm very bad at measuring distance, time, anything like that. I was going to be done with Literature by Christmas. Then by 2006. Now I'm hoping to be done by next week. Ugh.
So yes. That was yesterday. Today Dad had Mom get us up at 7 so we could get work done. I took a shower and lounged around eating and watching TV until about 10. Then I worked for a while and went up to check on Cris around 11:30. He was almost done, but not there yet, so I napped for an hour =) He woke me up at 12:30 to do his spelling and check over all his work to make sure he'd done everything for the day. Then I went downstairs and did more work for a while. I'm not sure exactly how long, but I outlined and started writing both of my remaining assignments for Literature. I'm almost certain I can finish them tomorrow.
I've been especially sensitive about Dad and my boobs lately. I finally put words to it: for me, boobs are associated with sex. The one who messes with my breasts should be a lover. NOT my father. It's just... gross. I mean, honestly, he looks at other women's breasts in a sexual way, and... I know he doesn't look at me that way, but that doesn't make it any less disgusting. He thinks now that I don't want him messing with my nipples because he's instilled this self-consciousness about getting hard nipples in me -- and he has. Ever since I was little he would point out women in movies with hard nipples and say things like 'She must be cold' and laugh. Small wonder growing up with that made me self-conscious. But anyway, I told Mom and Cris why I really don't want him messing with my boobs, but I can't tell him. I remember the one time I told him I didn't want him touching my breasts he got into a huge pissy fit and said, "Fine, I won't touch you at all anymore, and don't you try touching me. I can't hug you because MY CHEST WOULD BE TOUCHING YOUR BOOBS." And a week later everything was back to normal and he was freaking poking at my boobs again. Dad does shit like that. He gets mad for no reason and three hours later nothing's wrong, nothing happened. On the one hand that's good because he doesn't hold grudges about it or anything. On the other... -sigh-
Maybe I should put this under a cut. But I'm pretty much done and it's not that long... I think. So I'll just wrap it up. I should go sort my final application to make the quota of five a week. I think I only have one more. Anyway. Later.
In other news, Dad is back on nights. Which... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. -sigh-
Anyway, I was thinking. I'm always doing something to fuck up Cris' school. It's just... I'm expected to get Cris through his school, do my own school, and do chores. And then, if I have time, y'know... have a life. It wouldn't be so bad except that Cris can't do anything on his own. You give him the tiniest amount of slack and he'll fucking hang himself with the rope you've given him. I am supposed to be up his ass about his school work every day, check to make sure he's done every little thing, help him with any problems he may have, ask him questions to make sure he's actually read everything... make sure he put his vocabulary in the computer... Agh. I don't have any help with my schoolwork. No one teaches me or checks up on me. On the one hand I'm glad about that since I can slack off and not work for a day and Dad doesn't know. On the other, I'm afraid I'm not motivated enough to get myself through school on time on my own. I have five more courses to do by the end of May/beginning of June. That's one a month. I'm sure I can do it if I really bear down, but I'm very bad at measuring distance, time, anything like that. I was going to be done with Literature by Christmas. Then by 2006. Now I'm hoping to be done by next week. Ugh.
So yes. That was yesterday. Today Dad had Mom get us up at 7 so we could get work done. I took a shower and lounged around eating and watching TV until about 10. Then I worked for a while and went up to check on Cris around 11:30. He was almost done, but not there yet, so I napped for an hour =) He woke me up at 12:30 to do his spelling and check over all his work to make sure he'd done everything for the day. Then I went downstairs and did more work for a while. I'm not sure exactly how long, but I outlined and started writing both of my remaining assignments for Literature. I'm almost certain I can finish them tomorrow.
I've been especially sensitive about Dad and my boobs lately. I finally put words to it: for me, boobs are associated with sex. The one who messes with my breasts should be a lover. NOT my father. It's just... gross. I mean, honestly, he looks at other women's breasts in a sexual way, and... I know he doesn't look at me that way, but that doesn't make it any less disgusting. He thinks now that I don't want him messing with my nipples because he's instilled this self-consciousness about getting hard nipples in me -- and he has. Ever since I was little he would point out women in movies with hard nipples and say things like 'She must be cold' and laugh. Small wonder growing up with that made me self-conscious. But anyway, I told Mom and Cris why I really don't want him messing with my boobs, but I can't tell him. I remember the one time I told him I didn't want him touching my breasts he got into a huge pissy fit and said, "Fine, I won't touch you at all anymore, and don't you try touching me. I can't hug you because MY CHEST WOULD BE TOUCHING YOUR BOOBS." And a week later everything was back to normal and he was freaking poking at my boobs again. Dad does shit like that. He gets mad for no reason and three hours later nothing's wrong, nothing happened. On the one hand that's good because he doesn't hold grudges about it or anything. On the other... -sigh-
Maybe I should put this under a cut. But I'm pretty much done and it's not that long... I think. So I'll just wrap it up. I should go sort my final application to make the quota of five a week. I think I only have one more. Anyway. Later.
