23/7/10 03:16
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)

This is long. I'll edit some lj-cuts in tomorrow but for now...

Today was hard. They put Hobbes down today. Everyone took it hard. I even cried for her a little -- I knew I would cry with so many heartbroken people around me, but I didn't expect to cry for her when I never really liked her much. She just seemed a little snobby or high-strung. I don't tell Danny this of course. But it's true. I've found that I like dogs. I even played with Sean today and it was terrific. But Hobbes' personality just never suited me. In fact it turned me away. (I really hope and believe that it wasn't jealousy, though I felt that occasionally too since I know how much Danny loved her.)

Anyway, it was so hard to see it happen and think about them having to make that decision to let her go when she was still lucid. She wasn't eating or drinking and she often fell and couldn't get up, but she still walked around and was interested in people and went outside to use the bathroom. They wanted her to suffer as little as possible but it's still so hard to think that they have to make the decision to put her down when there's no real way of knowing her feelings on the subject.

And it was surprisingly painful to see her limp in Sue's arms. Harder to see Sue sobbing over her, but hard to see her gone as well.

I love this family though. There is so much love. So many people came to comfort us. Neighbors and relatives alike.

Sue has taken it so hard. It's hard to see her sobbing in moments without distraction. She drank a lot, tripped and fell, and I just felt terrible because there's nothing I can do. And she probably needs some alone time to cry herself out but it seems wrong to leave her alone.

It was so peaceful though. They couldn't have done it better. The vet came out here, sedated her, then did the tourniquet and shaving and injection. There was no pain for Hobbes and no fear like at the vet. Just confusion and worry for her sad family, which is understandable.

Danny and I drank and played Magic and tried a little generic vicodin at the end of the night tonight, and then I talked to him about our different styles of expressing our love... I'm chatty on vicodin apparently, but I meant what I said and I hope to continue the conversation tomorrow. I think it will help clear some things up. Unfortunately, it can't do everything. I can't expect him to suddenly develop more sensitivity to the little things I want from him. But I'm sure he feels the same way about me when it comes to certain expressions of intimacy, so it's something we'll have to communicate and work through with time.

karriezai: ([avatar] sokkatara omg)
So a couple days ago one of my family members added me on Facebook. She's married to my dad's cousin.

Today she posts this on my wall:

"I am having to remove you from my friend list because there are things in your picture that I feel are morally wrong and I personally can't believe you are doing them! Maybe you should stop to think about some of that for awhile!"

And yes, she did unfriend me. I was very amused. I think she's referring to the pictures of me and Yuka since we're kissing in one and I'm kissing her neck in another, which is particularly funny since they're buried at the back of all my pictures, being some of the earliest I took and put on facebook. It just reminds me of how crazy my family down in Florida is.

Maybe I should be offended but I'm really not. It's funny. What should I say, "Oh, sorry, want to remove me from your family as well?" Ha.

Well I need to stop procrastinating. Will probably update more soon-ish, but for now I've got a paper to work on.
karriezai: ([asoiaf] the pointy end)
I made $160 last night. Thursday night I put $300 in the bank and last night I put $200 in, so today I transferred them over to my account. I paid off my credit card from buying the tire for my car, put $100 in my savings, and put $100 in my holiday etc. savings. Still have $350 in checking, will be $325 once gas goes through (all hail the lower price of gas). Justin hasn't paid the cable yet as far as I know; once he does, I'll have to give him my share. But the phone bill's paid already, so I'll most likely be able to pay him out of whatever I make tonight, particularly if I do as well as yesterday and Thursday.

Last night was because Juraj cut down to the closing four girls at nine, and I was one of the closers. Shortly thereafter, we got a brief rush, so I actually felt busy as I haven't in weeks. It's hard to make much money if you don't have many tables, even if a number of them tip pretty well. In addition to that, though, I had two guys tip me about $35 each last night. And my 'dinner' was just Texas Toast, which only costs 60 cents, so that didn't take much out of my earnings.

I hope Jordan's off today, or at least doesn't close D: I think I'd prefer it if Margaret works, that way we'll do cuts in increments instead of all at once (Juraj does that kind of commonly) and I'll stand a chance at going home. I don't want to go home really early, but it'd be nice to get out sometime between ten and eleven. Of course, I've had really bad luck with cuts lately, so I could end up closing again. As long as I make money I can't complain too much, especially since I'm off tomorrow.

They're getting weirdly strict at work. )

So I've been brainstorming writing ideas and I mean to write them down at work, but I don't typically have time to just sit down and write. And when I do, I often play sudoku instead x) I mean, there are times when I'm done with cleaning my section and my guests are taken care of, but there's always something that could be done. Stocking wait stations, busing other girls' tables, sweeping... the only real time I have to sit and write or even play sudoku is in the first thirty minutes to an hour before I get (many) tables.

But I should get ready for work if I want to stop and get chicken nuggets on the way :)
karriezai: ([iron man] made of awesome)
Watching the new Chris Rock HBO special and..

I'm a little drunk so forgive me if this sounds at all racist...

But the only difference to me between black and white is the hair. I love white, asian, whatever hair... how it's soft and doesn't require grease. That's the only thing that would attract me to a white man more than a black man.

Is that weird?

Also, just rewatched Iron Man. ♥
karriezai: ([avatar] [zutara] i love you)
So I drew three things for Danny. One straight pencil done of a picture I took using my iphone, just zoomed in on my hand up around my necklace, as if I'm reaching to grab it. Another is the idea I described in my last post, with the lowcut Vegas shirt and video game controller. The other is a close up of Supergirl, just face and boobs. =) Yes, boobs would be the recurring theme here, especially considering the Hooters cards I got him. I asked him if he guessed any of his presents yet and he said no, which makes me glad. I was worried it would be obvious (since I told him they don't cost money and I asked his favorite female comic character) but I want him to be surprised. Especially since I haven't drawn anything for him since February.

Had Writers Here and Now today. Was long, and slightly dull for large portions, though that was probably due in large part to my mindset. I didn't really want to be there at the time. The second reader, though -- Phillips -- made me tear up just a little with the second passage he read. It was about a soldier seriously injured in Iraq's family finding out by phone that he was injured, but not really knowing the extent of his injuries or anything. They called his girlfriend and made sure she wasn't alone before they told her because they wanted to make sure she had someone there for her. That was the point that got to me, because it's something I could definitely see Danny's parents doing in the same situation.

But Danny will be home by this time tomorrow night so cheerful thoughts!
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] give up forever)
I'm starting to really miss Danny. It's not really that he's in Vegas; when I think about it, aside from a little extra time on Sunday, I really wouldn't have seen him that much yet anyway. Sunday night through Wednesday evening I probably won't see him at all, usually, which sucks to be honest. I imagine I'll be naughty and stay a couple Monday nights too in the end. But anyway, what makes it so hard is not being able to talk much. And when we do talk, it's mostly him, because obviously what he's doing is more exciting at the moment. He's in conferences all day, and when he gets done I'm probably asleep since it's three hours earlier for him. These things run late. Tonight he won't be done until 11, which will be 2 for me. Blah.

So it's getting to me a little. I got my first genuine urge to draw him something in quite a while. Since February. That was when I drew the picture of us kissing as Zelda and Link. At the time he just didn't seem to care much. Actually, in retrospect it still doesn't seem like he cared much. He said he wanted it framed but then he just forgot about it. And I would drop hints but it never came to anything. It made me so upset. Finally I just went and got the frame myself. And I seem to remember I wanted him to hang it, but it just sat for a while until I got very upset and was tempted to just throw the damn thing away. He finally hung it because I kind of blew up at him (which for me unfortunately means tears; I hate that my temper makes me cry). So yes, I had no urge to draw him anything after that, which means I had no urge to draw. Drawings, for me, usually mean gifts.

Trouble is I don't know what to draw him. The sketchpad I bought today is little and the colored pencils are only 12 different colors, which means it'll have to be something simple. But that's okay as long as I find something good. I'm thinking maybe something that involves dice, you know, very Vegas. Perhaps a lowcut boob top. Something playful but serious. Maybe a close up of a girl playing videogames (just boobs and hands holding controller) wearing a lowcut Vegas-y top that says "I miss(ed) you". I may try it, depending on how it comes out. If not, I'll probably return to the tried and true superhero/videogame character route. Haha.

So I was downstairs doing laundry. I came up here to shower while I wait on the dryer, but then I realized my only towels are in the dryer. Hurray. By now they may be dry though, I'll check in a couple minutes.

But I need to get checks for Chevy Chase. I have $270 in my purse right now, roughly. I hate carrying that much cash. Plus, I may have a lot of money, but I still feel broke if my checking isn't pretty high. Blech. I bet I'll make money this weekend though. I really hope so, because I want to start saving hardcore again. It's funny how spoiled I am already. I make $70 and I'm like, meh, I guess that's okay... But 2 days of $70 and 2 days of $100 in a week makes $340, which I was hardpressed to make in TWO weeks at Starbucks. Not to mention the fact that I actually made $130 or so yesterday night, and my other three shifts are hot nights this week, so I could well make around $500. We'll see.
karriezai: ([lolcat] i see you)
I have this random nagging feeling, I don't know where it came from. But I know I've seen Danny cry. Once at least, maybe twice. The once I'm fairly certain about; it was this really deep talk very early on in the relationship about... something like he was starting to love me so much, but he was scared of getting hurt, and I told him he could trust me. We were kind of drunk at the time, which is why it's so hazy now (and yet startlingly clear at some points, like the scenery around us), but I do know we both cried. I just have this feeling there was another time I'm not remembering. And I don't know why it's bugging me. It does make me wonder, though, when/if I'll see him cry again. He definitely is your typical man's man -- not much is going to make him cry in his adult life.

But yeah. I'm hoping soon I'll get into the swing of saving money again. I have to spend $400 out of savings for my parking permit, which posted late on my stupid student account. Back down to below $1,000, which really sucks. If I'd never spent anything in savings I'd have at least $4,000 by now.

Anyway I drove Danny to the airport at 6 this morning. I was an idiot and ran over a curb hard, and my car got mad and decided to consume double the usual gas for a little while. (I checked for leaks and such; nothing. I'm now positive my car has a personality.) But I think it's forgiven me now. So yes, Danny is in Vegas, and tired, he had a long day. He put a countdown to sex on his countdown app on his iPhone, which I found very amusing.

Made $78 this morning. Lots of football. Means less rollover of tables, but more alcohol sold, so it roughly balances out usually. I even got the normal headwait section, which consists of two high-tops, two tables, and the front two booths (most popular), and is also conveniently close to the outside seating.

Jason got fired, which surprised me, honestly. I didn't think he was a bad guy. Other girls weren't surprised, but it really stunned me, especially seeing the stuff Starbucks managers have gotten away with without being fired. I just pinned down that reason for my shock.

So I'm pretty tired, I think I'll wrap up. I think I'll start missing Danny tomorrow. I don't think it will be bad since we've done it before. Besides, the countdown to sex really adds a new element. =D

Also, I love him so ridiculously much.
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] believe anything i feel)
So I tried weed for the first time Wednesday night. And probably the only time. I really hated it. I was already drunk, which probably contributed, but it was a really scary feeling. I felt completely disconnected. I had this weird moment that I'm never going to be able to explain properly, but it was sort of like I realized reality was just an endless loop, and I could see every thread of it, and it was terrifying. I just wanted to piece back together the threads that made the reality of that moment so that I wouldn't have that terrifying floaty disconnected feeling, and even if the reality I returned to was an illusion, at least it wasn't so completely depressing. It was a horribly real feeling. I could feel it slipping away as I came down, and I knew, I remember thinking to myself, this feeling will fade and later I won't remember the true depth of it. But at the time I know it was terrifying. And it seemed to last forever.

I was so alone in my head. I don't know how Danny or Alicia were affected. I don't know anything else that went on outside my head, except I know we were watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily dressed up as a parrot for Halloween because I was focusing on that trying to pull reality back together. That, and then Danny's hand on mine, and his pink shirt with the flowers on it.

So yeah. I don't want to do it again. I might one day consider brownies if there's no alcohol involved, but not anytime soon I think.

I also just got an email from my dad saying Mom told him how much repairs on my car cost and I'm to pay her back as soon as possible. I was like, "Gee, thanks Dad." I've already tried a little. She wanted to buy a giftcard for Danny's parents to their favorite restaurant for taking such good care of me, but I told her to let me buy it with my money, and she should put whatever money she was going to use on it toward her credit card. I didn't need any prompting for that. I feel bad about how much my car cost to fix. And it's not like I did anything to break it, even. It's just an old car. It's done so well for its age, to be honest. It has working AC, no major defects... I think it's just mad because I don't wash it enough.

Um yeah. I guess that's it. Except I plan to submit my WotF entry that just got Honorable Mention to Realms of Fantasy magazine, see if I can get some money out of that.
karriezai: ([house] wtf?)
I hate my AM honors teacher. As a teacher, I mean... as always hesitant to say I actually hate a person. But she's like... some kindergarten teacher who decided to come try teaching university, but never escaped the kindergarten mindset. She asks the dumb, "Did you bring enough for everyone?" question when you bring food to class -- I haven't had a single other teacher who gives a crap if you eat in class. I've even eaten genuine meals in class before, meaning I brought Panda Express to discussion twice. Once this semester, once last semester. I can't nod if in class or she'll have me stand up... today I was falling asleep so I leaned my head against my hand so that she couldn't see my eyes, but it just looked like I was looking down at the literature we were discussing. I totally caught a few winks like that, too, until Mike nudged my foot and whispered that she was staring at me.

I understand not wanting people to fall asleep in your class. But I don't fall asleep in my other two honors seminars. It's not my fault she's boring and has no idea what she's doing as a teacher. Once in a while I'll nod off in lecture, but of course they don't give a crap there. It's ridiculous, this happened last semester too. The class I thought I'd like best turned out to be my least favorite. All because of the teacher, too. This semester I'm definitely filling out the survey about my teacher for testudo so I can look at what other students said about the teachers I'm looking at having next semester.

segue into thoughts about current and future college coursework... )

no segue into work talk... )

I'm really excited about looking into jobs for the summer and next semester to get me away from working at Starbucks. I love the company (as a company to work for, maybe not to buy from), but I have such bad luck with getting a good manager there. I'm going to see about working full time at the gym over the summer, but if they won't let me I'll either have to get another part time job, perhaps manning the desk at Dorchester if possible to get a leg in for next semester, or try to work out doing full time during orientation and also part time at the gym. That would ease my mom's mind, at least. She's really worried about where I'll stay over the summer. She's still concerned that I could break up with Danny at any time, but I just don't see that happening. We've never even come close.

All this assuming I get hired for these positions, and god I hope so. I'm really hoping full time at the gym is possible during the summer... I mean, wouldn't they lose a lot of their employees over the summer because they go home to visit family?

I've babbled long enough for today.
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] blindfolded)
I was reading an article about faith and/in Harry Potter. Watch for spoilers, but the link is here. People were talking about how JKR includes too much or too little religion. Complaints were about how she gets into issues like Death and souls, but not religion, even though these are very religious topics.

Personally, I don't think so, not necessarily. Especially not any one religion, you know. She didn't put in anything about any one faith; everything in the books was broad enough to be about faith in general without contradicting with the beliefs of Muslims or Christians or some other faith. I thought religion was avoided because the books were about a broader theme: doing good versus doing evil, not being perfect but still trying to do right.

My comment is there, so I won't go into everything I said. But I did mention how nothing she put in the books about the afterlife is written so that the reader has to believe it's a part of the world and how it works. What I mean by this is that Luna mentions the afterlife in OotP, that she'll see her mother again, but that's the character opinion. And bit of a DH spoiler )

That's something a lot of people seem to have trouble with when it comes to characters. It's in the prose, too, particularly with first-person narrators. I think that in first person it's important to remember that everything we read is according to the character, and the character could assume something, state it as fact, and be wrong. It's a powerful literary device and a powerful truth, because people often believe things or think they know things that are wrong.

For instance, I posted the first thirteen lines of Moonfall for critique on a writing forum on Orson Scott Card's site, and I was told by a couple people that the words in bold violate POV:


Reen loves the mageglow that accompanies strong magic. It terrifies me. I’m the one who sits with her, later, through the shakes and tremors; the white-as-snow, cold, clammy skin; the vomiting; the hoarse cries and tossing and turning of nightmares. These times are rare--it’s hard to use such great magic that it causes withdrawal. So most of the time, it’s mageglow. Her skin glows radiant, her spirit is high and floating in beauty. The world doesn’t seem quite real to her--it’s as if for a time she’s no longer truly a part of it.

She isn’t mine, then. She belongs to the magic.

I know nothing of magic--I have none of it myself. But I know her. And I can feel when a withdrawal is coming. I can sense her limitations. But she won’t listen to me when I warn her.


Now to me, because this is first person and particularly because it is present tense, that is the narrator's thought. In her mind, she 'knows' that Reen feels the way described. That doesn't mean she's right, but people make assumptions like that all the time and state them as fact. "She thinks I'm stupid." "He just wants to get laid."

I like using it as a literary and plot device because when the character is wrong, it can be a more powerful form of characterization than most others you'll find. I also like the idea of characters giving each other information that's wrong. For instance, if a legend becomes important to the plot later on, take into account the way stories change as they pass from mouth to mouth. The actual events the legend was derived from could have been very different.
karriezai: ([hp] snape's penis)
I've started rereading HBP in preparation for the seventh book, and after rereading Spinner's End, I'm not as convinced Snape is good. I'm still 51% convinced, just... not as certain. His argument to Bella was very convincing, but more than that... he seemed to have at least a very good idea what 'the plan' was. Enough that he sounded like he knew what it was. A couple of the things he said, it was just like... he knows something.

But I just thought of something. Obviously he told Dumbledore what Draco's assignment was. And wouldn't that be breaking the... crap, that doesn't work. Because breaking the oath = death, not he's good. Okay, so it didn't break the oath, but if he wanted Draco to succeed you wouldn't think he would tell Dumbledore what Draco was up to. And as a Death Eater, he'd want Draco to have the best chance at succeeding possible, if only so he himself didn't have to do it. Besides, I bet him telling Dumbledore would have been against Voldemort's wishes. Hum. Food for thought.

I dunno. He had some idea what he was swearing to. It had to be a pretty good idea. Draco will be honored above all others? It had to be something big. Killing Dumbles, killing Harry, either way, Snape swearing to it... huh. I'm curious. I can't wait to find out!

edit two : (yes it's before edit one, it goes back to harry potter). I just read some stuff and... okay, so at the end of HBP when Snape's blocking Harry's spells and leading the Death Eaters from the castle... one of my points was always that he wouldn't allow them to kill Harry because supposedly Voldemort wants to do it himself or whatever... but of course that could be true. However, he doesn't even hurt or allow the others to hurt Harry. And he has the other DEs leave the castle! Morale is so low, especially with Dumbledore's death... they could wipe out pretty much everyone left in the castle if they wanted, I'm sure, but they don't. They leave. Maybe they're making a quick getaway before the Ministry arrives, but... I dunno. Snape only kills Dumbledore. He doesn't kill anyone else or allow anyone else to be killed. I really think he's a good guy. Hum.

edit : I had this horrible dream two or three nights ago... I don't remember it very clearly anymore, but I know I was getting interested in some other guy and kind of messing around with him. I don't think anything serious serious, just like... kissing or... I don't remember. Anyway, I was still with Danny. And then I was with Danny. And then... I was like, I can't fuck around with two guys, I need to seriously think about this and let one down. I guess I'd been having doubts about Danny. But then I thought about it in this dream of mine, and went, Do I really want to spend the rest of my life without Danny? No.

So maybe it wasn't a completely horrible dream, the end was good, but eh.
karriezai: ([hp] avada kedavra)
Wow. Okay so, here's the short version of what's been keeping me busy:

x Danny, as always
x Transformers
x building a new website
x college orientation (go Terps!)
x HP: OotP

I guess that's mostly it.

So. Transformers was really good, fun to watch, and the most memorable part for me is how much of a little pervert Bumblebee was. I loved that he couldn't talk for most of the movie, the radio thing added a unique little element. And that preview before the movie, the one they aren't giving a title to, only a release date of 1-18-08 -- it's driving me up the wall. People are saying it's Voltron, but it seems like they're going to too much effort to be sneaky about what it's about for it to be another movie based off a show or comic or whatever. It's such a publicity stunt, but hey, it's working.

The website. Alicia and I are building an art website, mainly for writing but with niches for drawing and photography and what have you. The Afterglow should be up and running as soon as we have a decent number of members. I've been really erratic with websites in the past, letting them die and such, but I'm hoping to keep this one running if only as a project that might come in handy in college. It could look really good for me, you know? It's not just that, though. I'm sick of just letting my projects drop. Usually it's because I get bored with them, and usually it's because it becomes more about making a fancy website than art and challenges. The purpose of this site is a community for artists, perhaps especially for writers, to share their talent and both issue and respond to challenges. There's going to be a monthly literary ezine and things like that. Guides with tips and tricks to improve your writing. So we'll see how it works out. The website's built; now I just need members.

Soo, I spent Monday and Tuesday at orientation for Maryland. I got my university ID, which is infinitely better than my highschool ID (in which I looked like a strung out hooker). I also set up my schedule. I have no classes on Fridays, nearly nothing on Wednesdays... and even though I'm getting a lot of classes I probably won't like out of the way first semester, I'm also taking at least one course that'll be both fun and fill a requirement for my major. I met two people who I really talked to while I was there, they were both cool. One I may never see again since I met him by coincidence and we have very different majors. The other I'll have at least one class with next year... though that class may be one of the huge ones, haha.

Um. HP: OotP. It was a great movie, much better than GoF was. Of course there were things that were missed and even changed a little, but nothing too upsetting, really. (Don't read further if you don't want to know what was left out or changed.) There were a couple of things that were big speculation points in the books that were left out in the movie, though, and it kind of disappoints me since it seems like if it was all that important, JK would have made sure it was in the movie. Like the locket at Grimmauld Place, and the mirror Sirius gave Harry, and the way Sirius was hit by a red spell in the book and just knocked through the veil -- but actually hit by Avada Kedavra in the movie.

/HP: OotP. Begin sixth/seventh book speculation.

I've been debating with Danny over whether Snape's good or evil and stuff like that. First off, I remember the books much better. He's 'read' them once, two years or so ago, and that was on audiobook (hence the quotes around 'read'). Anyway, he's in the camp that simply thinks Snape can't kill Dumbledore and still be good. One thing he said was that even if that was the position, someone loyal to his leader would sacrifice himself before killing the leader or allowing the leader to die. Personally, I think Snape is good. I think he was in love with Lily. So does Danny, for that matter, but he thought it actually said so in the books. He was convinced that the books said Snape was edging in on Lily and that's why the Marauders gave him so much grief. Haha, I'm glad to see our intuition is the same on the situation, but it says nothing of the sort in the books.

Anyway, I think Snape was in love with Lily and it made him hate James worse than ever. I think he hates Harry so much because he's part James' child and reminds him so much of James, but I think he protects Harry despite it because he is Lily's child. If she died to save him... he can't let her sacrifice be in vain, I suppose. And he can't forgive Voldemort for killing her.

I think when he took the Unbreakable Vow, he wasn't sure just what he was swearing to do and that's why he hesitated, but in the end he had to do it anyway. I think when he found out just what he'd sworn to, he told Dumbledore. And I think that in the end, Dumbledore knew Snape would have to kill him, and that's why he went ahead and let Snape teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. He'd be gone next year, one way or another. For the one year he had left, Dumbledore wanted him to be in a position to teach Harry about the Dark Arts, something he obviously knows a lot about. Though of course Harry doesn't learn much when it's Snape teaching him...

Because the thing about the Vow is that it had to happen one of three ways. Draco kills Dumbledore, Snape kills Dumbledore, or both Draco and Snape die. I think Dumbledore wouldn't allow Draco to taint himself like that. And he felt Snape was far more valuable than he was. Especially after the act. There would be one agent for good high up in the Dark Lord's ranks, because after that Voldemort wouldn't question Snape, and neither would any of the other Death Eaters, most likely. None of the good guys would know Snape was working to help them... but they'd have help. It would be hard for Snape, and that's why Dumbledore had to plead with him. Not "Don't kill me." More like, "You have to do this." Because what's harder than working to protect and save people who hate you and would kill you given the chance? How hard would it be, how dangerous, to be an agent for good when you can't reveal yourself to the people around you and the people you're trying to help would never believe you? He would have to find ways to help without either side realizing he's the one who's helping, because the Order would treat any help he offered as a threat.

Back to OotP, concerning Horcruxes... I don't have the book handy, or I'd check, but when Voldemort possesses Harry, doesn't he taunt Dumbledore, saying he could kill them both right now? I may be remembering wrong. But if I'm right, I think that's the strongest evidence for Harry or part of Harry being a Horcrux. Because I doubt possession of an ordinary person would be the same. If you killed the person, Voldemort would probably just leave the body. I don't know. Perhaps if Harry is or has a Horcrux, it just makes it... different. Like when Voldemort possesses him, he actually becomes truly attached to the body because a part of his soul resides there. Plus, I really do think the whole transference of his abilities to Harry would make more sense with a Horcrux present. But I'm not really in either camp on that issue; I'm on the fence.

Danny is convinced that both Harry and Voldemort have to die. I've heard the arguments. I don't think it's gonna be that way. It would be a perfectly acceptable ending, I wouldn't be disappointed (sad, but not disappointed)... I just really don't think it's JK's style. I believe it would fit perfectly well, I just don't think JK would make it to where Harry has to die to save the world. Blah blah blah, Christ figure, yada yada... These books started as kids books, kids have grown up with Harry, I really don't think she'd do that to them.

But I guess we'll see.
karriezai: ([house] finding nemo)
Poor Danny had a horrible hangover today so he picked me up after school and went in to work late... but he's at work now, and he'll be there until 7:30. He's supposed to bring back this girl who works there that he had a brief thing with to watch Deja-Vu, and at first I was really freaked out by it. Danny was like, "There's no emotional attachment at all, we were just good friends and we hooked up after a party once." And I guess it didn't occur to him that that's just as weird to me. I can't do casual sex. And I've never had any desire to meet someone who's slept with him. Weeeiiird. I'll be okay... I mean, it's just a weird psychological thing. I don't understand it. I trust him and I know how much he cares about me, but for some reason, it just still seems weird. But whatever, he said we'd try it this once, and if it's too weird we won't do it again. But I'm sure it'll be fine, I was just psyching myself out.

Mother's Day is Sunday... hum. I made my mom a card. I feel bad because I want to spend the day with Danny. It just seems like I'll hardly see him this weekend. He was supposed to have an eight hour shift today, and even though it wasn't that long, I didn't have that much time with him. And tomorrow another eight hour shift in the middle of the day. But Danny's mom is out of town, so maybe he'll stay the night over at my house. Maybe we'll take mom out to breakfast as a family or something, I dunno.

I feel bad because I have no desire to spend any real time with my parents ninety nine percent of the time. It's just like my dad said however long ago. I was supposed to be out of the house almost a year ago. I'm ready to be on my own and they're ready to get rid of me. I've overstayed my welcome. (Yes, he said that.) Eh.
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] strange love)
I wrote until I got tired of writing... again, I don't expect anyone to read it, it's far too long. It's just here for me to stumble on some day in the future.

letter to ash part two )
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] inhale)
I wrote this huge letter to my friend Ash in Alaska... part I wrote on Christmas, part the day before Valentine's Day. I still haven't mailed it. I'm splitting it up into several parts and posting it here. I don't expect anyone to read it -- it's way too long -- but it'll be here for me to look back on.

letter to ash part one )
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Oh my god it's finally over. I came home from school yesterday with Danny and found this dry-erase board with calculations on it. One side was Guilford, one side was Maryland, one year for each. According to my parents' calculations, Maryland was $12,000 without books and Guilford was $11,000, $8,000 if I got the Honors scholarship. (All this is approximate, of course.) But I looked at it and went, "Their calculations are wrong." So I pulled out my financial aid info from Guilford. My parents said they didn't have the Guilford financial aid info to look at, and that's true, but my mom's the one who opened my mail when I first got it, so she saw it too. Anyway, they were counting work study twice and counting a loan as a scholarship. (I get the same loan at Maryland.) So, corrected calculations have Maryland at about $12,000 and Guilford at about $14,000 (including the possible Honors scholarship). Plus, Maryland's cost includes books and Guilford's doesn't. At least, according to the website. Mom says the financial adviser they talked to put the cost at $17,000 without books, but uh, still cheaper than Guilford so what do I care?

So I'm gonna be a Terp! God I'm ecstatic. It feels so great to have that stress off my shoulders. It solves so many problems.

So yeah, I'm happy.

Then there's that shooting at Virginia Tech. It's a horrible thing, but it feels distant to me, like yeah I know it's horrible but it doesn't really have anything to do with me. I don't know anyone there. After looking at the crime ratings for colleges, the first thing I thought when I saw it on the news (back when it was one dead and nine injured) was "Their crime statistics are fucked." Which is kind of insensitive. I felt bad when Danny picked me up and was checking on friends he has at Virginia Tech (who were all okay, by the way).

Watched this movie called Idiocracy with Luke Wilson in it... and it was absolutely retarded, but in the right way. It was actually really funny. It was about this guy who got put into suspended animation (basically) and wakes up 500 years later... but evolution took a wrong turn, and mankind got incredibly retarded, until this really average guy from our day is the smartest man on earth in the future. Like I said, it was dumb as fuck, but really funny.

And ah, I had the best talk with Danny last night. We both feel the same way about each other, we're such a great match. It started because he was talking about an ex, and he called her by name, which felt weird. I told him so -- it felt weird, not necessarily bad, but very weird -- and he said he knows, he doesn't like hearing me talk about my exes. And this picture I drew for an ex of mine, Tim... it's the best picture I've ever drawn, I think, and it's one of the ones I sent him in an email, and he said when he saw it he couldn't think about how good the art was because the first thing he saw was that it was obvious I drew it for another guy.

It's a weird thing. I don't get why so many people (including me) are like that -- they feel awkward hearing about their lover's exes no matter how close their relationship is now.

He also said even though he trusts me completely, he's worried I'll go off to college and find someone better... like I'm above him, and I'll realize that and go for some talented college guy. I told him he doesn't ever have to worry about that, because there's no one better than him. But I'm glad to know I don't have to feel stupid for the occasional jealous or worried twinge that I know is absolutely moronic and immediately dismiss. Because I trust him completely, too.

And hearing him talk about us a year from now or more... and how he wants to still be together when we're fifty-something and have me wake him up "that special way we talked about"... I absolutely love hearing it because I feel the same way. Which reminds me of something else he said. He said some people just have to be reassured (he used Yuka as an example, said she'll be friends with anyone who'll tell her she's pretty all the time) and said he's like that in that he likes to be reminded that he's the only one for me. I guess I'm the same after a fashion, except I don't have to be told... but I adore the little ways he shows it. I can see how much he cares and that's a huge part of what attracts me to him. It's something I was thinking about a while back: I think sometimes the way someone loves you makes you love them even more, and vice versa, so it's kind of a cycle or whatever.

We haven't fought yet. There have been moments that could have become fights, but we didn't let it get that far, I guess. He said he's not looking forward to the first fight. I guess I'm not either, but I'm not worried. I've never fought much with anyone. It depends on the person, I guess. Like obviously I've fought with my parents. And Alicia and I have had arguments. But I never fought with Bianca or Lisa or Ash. Granted, I was never close, see-you-all-the-time friends with any of them for more than a year or so. Obviously fights will happen, I just don't think it'll be an issue. After a fight, I think about it, calm down, reason it out, and try to see where I'm wrong. I mean, prime example: Alicia and I have always made up after fights, haha.

Eh. Anyway. I love the guy. He joked he'd marry me if I bought a Corvette, and when I said no way, he said I should have been crafty and bought a toy Corvette. (I might smell another anniversary present, lol.)

Okay, I was supposed to correct my scholarship essay and I only have twenty minutes left now, way to go me. Blah.
karriezai: ([me] [cell] kissing danny)
I had a great weekend, absolutely terrific. Danny's so sweet, such a traditionalist, not like me at all. Tradition can be great (it was this weekend), but I also like (and sometimes prefer) spontaneous stuff, I guess making new traditions.

He cooked for me. Did a whole meal thing. Served salad in martini glasses, lol, and then the main course -- chicken cacciatore, which was delicious... Danny was proud, haha, and I definitely enjoyed it. And last dessert, a piece of this heart-shaped cake I saw him and his mom making earlier (and that I rescued from the oven when I was the only one in the house when the timer went off). It was all very beautiful, on china with wine in wine glasses and candle light... I hate wine, but it was certainly a nice picture.

And of course we were both dressed up nice. We'd each seen each other's outfits before, but it was still very nice. We'd never dressed up at the same time before, and he'd just had a haircut and a shave, which was very fucking hot. Haha. I wore lotion with glitter in it and jewelry I hadn't worn before (except his Batman necklace, I always wear that). I even changed my earrings, shock and amazement -- I never do that. Speaking of which, I need to put those back in... Anyway, I also did up my hair... not especially nice, but different from what I usually do, which was a change. And I wore skyscraper heels, lol. But only for a little bit, they came off as soon as we sat down to eat and got left upstairs.

I loved it. I love that he'd do that for me. And the traditionalism is adorable. I'm a girl at heart -- I love the candle light and the dressing up, and him telling me I'm beautiful.

Before we left Friday night, while I was waiting for him to get home from work, I was talking to mom... how did we get on the subject? Oh, because I was being impatient, and mom said something like it's just because I love him more than anyone else right now... and then she said, "No, let's call it what it is: lust."

I was kind of surprised. My parents have been so supportive -- in contrast with Tim, they've shown they actually like Danny, and I didn't recognize the difference until it happened. They never said anything bad about Tim, they just never said anything good. It was a kind of feeling of resigned acceptance with Tim.

Except since they decided Danny's front tires are too bald and unsafe but he refused to change them because we looked it up and they're still safe according to everything we read on the internet, there have been little comments. Like when I lost my keys and Danny insisted they weren't at his place, he looked all over for a missing Wiimote and would have seen them along the way if they'd been there... I said, "You weren't looking for them, though, so you might have missed them," but he was insistent he would have seen them. (He was right. They'd fallen behind my desk at home.) Dad, though, said sarcastically, "It's good to know he cares enough to actually look for them." Stuff like that. Oh, and the thing that actually really bothered me, when my dad compared Danny to Uncle Matt for not changing his tires... I know how highly my parents regard Uncle Matt (/sarcasm), and it kind of pissed me off to have Danny compared to him.

I'm completely in love with him. I wasn't even too bothered by mom saying that. I didn't genuinely argue, I just said offhandedly, "No, it's love." She disagreed, but I left it alone. I dunno. My parents tend to have pretty good instincts, but they're also very harsh when it comes to judging whether someone's being good to me. The thing with Yuka, they were making comments, like my dad saying she wasn't being a good friend when she ignored my comfort and smoked in the car on the way to Baltimore, even when I said something about it. Which is true, but one thing by itself doesn't necessarily mean a friendship is sour. It was everything added up that led to the breakdown of mine and Yuka's friendship.

Besides, his tires may not be in the best condition, but we looked it up... 1/16th of an inch of tread is bald, and when that happens, there are tread wear indicator bars that show in the tires. I figure tire companies would have the most to gain from having you replace your tires more often by saying the tread is unsafe sooner, so... whatever. My parents are just overcautious sometimes. And they aren't there to see most of what occurs between me and Danny, so they have very little perspective on the situation.

I know how much I care about him, and I can see how much he cares about me. He's so good to me. He's fucking beautiful. I've been thinking too far ahead. I almost said that I get to plan the next Valentine's Day before I realized that's a whole year from now.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I guess I knew, but it struck me last night. It's been nearly three months and it still feels as exhilarating and perfect as at the beginning, if not moreso. No... definitely moreso. I love him so much.

Thoughts... )

The cat's so cute. Did I ever say we got a new kitten? It's been almost a month, I think. I doubt I mentioned him here. But he's so adorable. They gave him a bath and Cris brought him in here all damp, and he laid out on my bed like "OMGSAFETY." He's got the most beautiful fucking eyes. Haha. He's just starting to get really lively as opposed to sleeping most of the time.

Hm. I'm hungry.
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] strange love)
There was a two-hour delay today. I was like... fuck that. I didn't go. Haha. It should have been a snow day, the bastards.

I worked my last day yesterday. Still no job yet, but I'm sure I'll get one soon. Toya recommended that I go to, what's it called, Fish and Waffles or something... She said they pay well and all. So I'll check it out when I get the chance. And I need to call the woman who can find out if I can get a job at the Youth Center here.

Brandy was upset no one called her about me coming in early for Yuka yesterday. I admit I should have thought to call her, but it didn't even cross my mind. I was in a hurry and I have no trust for her anyway, she can be very hard to reach and what could she have done but what she did in the morning? Which was: call Wilette, yell some, and get Wilette to come in to cover my 8:30 - 1:15 shift.

Wilette almost stood up for Danny, no one was pleased with Ron, and ew the caramel in the espresso bar was horrible. Mostly it was okay. After work Danny and I saw Night at the Museum, which was great. We hung out at my house for maybe an hour afterward before he had to go in to work.

The snow! Danny's car isn't safe in the snow. I really wanted him to stay over at my house. I was convinced I'd have a snow day, and my parents approved -- my mom knows how his car isn't too safe. But he refused to stay unless they posted that there'd be a snow day, and they didn't, so he went home. But he came over at 10 this morning and we hung out, and he told me I should have commanded him to stay, lol. He said he would have stayed if I told him I wanted him to, which I didn't, not in those words. I really wanted him to -- for more than just the safety thing -- but I was just trying to convince him logically, not with "I fucking want you, Danny." Haha.

He worked at 1:30. Around three Alicia called to hang out and I rolled out... and it was great. I've missed her. Talking to her was awesome. It turns out, Yuka's been venting about me to her a LOT. And apparently Danny has told Yuka a lot -- maybe more than he realizes -- because she told it all to Alicia when she was complaining. Haha. I don't mind. I told Danny that a long time ago -- he can talk to Yuka, it doesn't bother me, I'd just like a heads-up so I know what all he's told her, since I don't talk to her that much myself anymore and don't know what all she knows.

I love him so much, though. Haha. After watching Jackass 2 he said he hates Bam because all his girlfriends have said they'd do him in a heartbeat. I told him today, I don't want anyone but him. It's just my nature. I'm very faithful by nature. I lose interest in other guys when I get close to one. I can intellectually go, okay, that guy's really cute, but... he doesn't compare.

I was talking to Alicia today about how important the physical aspect of a relationship is. It's really fucking important -- extremely -- but it's not a function of how attractive a guy is, really. It's all chemistry, and a huge part of chemistry is mental and emotional.

Yeah, I think a lot.

I'm seriously considering getting my nipples pierced. I was talking to Jason at Fatty's -- where Alicia and I hung out (and gambled some) -- and... I'd already mentioned to Alicia how Danny's said I should get my nipples pierced and I wasn't sure whether he was joking... but I really had no desire to do it. I've always had a thing about hard nipples because my dad always points them out and teases, but it bothers me way less these days. So when Alicia was asking Jason what piercing she should get and he said nipples, I asked him whether they affect the sensitivity. He said yes, and when I asked if it was in a good way, he said yes. Of course, this all on average as always, because everyone's different.

My nipples aren't very sensitive, and I don't like that. Danny's are way more sensitive than mine. So it'd be great if they increased my sensitivity. Yeah... I'm really thinking about it. I'd also consider a tongue piercing because it could be great, and if I don't like it, I can always take it out and it'll heal up really fast.

Only other piercings I'm considering are on my left ear. I have the bar and one lobe piercing in my right, and that's all I really need. But I might get piercings all up the edge of my left ear. I like that off-balance look.

Mmmkay, I'm done.
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] we were innocent)
Today started to suck at around 6 or 7 pm. I'm not really gonna go into it now because I have to be up early. But it's work-related. It has to do with how unfair this whole situation is. It was just so... exaggerated tonight, like fate's throwing shit at me last minute just to accentuate the crappiness of the situation. Like "Haha you can't do anything about it." It just further pounded in how Brandy has been so much unfairly harder on Danny than anyone else.

Oh well.

I open tomorrow. I'm coming in early for Yuka. I don't really have to, but I figure it's a karmic debt. I don't believe in karma per se, but I do believe I owe her for when she stayed late to close ... last Friday? Or the Friday before? Not the most recent one, but the one before that. Anyway, so I'm coming in early and we're gonna be tight because no one will be coming in when I was supposed to, no third person, it'll just be us two.

Yeah, me and Brandy. Isn't that lovely. I think I may end up yelling at her. There's a strong possibility.

Kay, I'm getting to bed.
karriezai: ([witticisms] [house] decrapinated coffee)
I interviewed at the AMC theater at the boulevard today. I was surprised by how quickly they replied, since back when I was looking for a job and got hired at Starbucks, I'd been working there almost three months when AMC finally called about my application. Three days is dramatically shorter. Anyway, the interview went... averagely. I mean, it seemed like it went well, but it was just a typical interview. The guy remembered Egan, though. That was cool. He said they're interviewing 20 people to fill 8 positions, and if they're gonna offer me one of the positions then I'll get a call by 5:30 tomorrow.

My pay from Starbucks is pathetic as usual. I bet at the theater I'd get enough hours to earn more than at Starbucks even if they pay me a little less. And it's supposed to be really fun to work there. We'll see if I get it. If not, well, I put in a lot of applications, so I'll find work somewhere.

Yeah, I think that's it, except Chad, Danny, and I were talking about getting me a fake ID after my interview today, haha. We were talking about fake IDs in general, actually, and how if your ID says you're 21 then it's fake, lol, because no one's 21, they're 19 pretending to be 21 or they're 22.

I should get some sleep though, so that's all.

edit Okay so maybe not. First of all, I was looking at my tags and how egan's is still bigger than Danny's. It's just because I've been spending too much time with Danny to actually write about it regularly, of course, but eh. I was looking through old Egan entries, and jesus, how things have changed. I kind of made myself forget how strongly I thought I felt about Egan until I read some of it again. The thing is, with Tim I admit that I did love him -- not true adult love, but I was in love with him all the same -- but with Egan, I think it was something else. It was the situation. I don't really know.

Danny, though, I love. Like... there is absolutely no question whatsoever. And I'm only getting closer to him, more comfortable with him. For a little while, it bothered me that he would say I love you so readily when slightly inebriated, but not nearly so often when completely sober... but not anymore, because I realize I can see it on his face, and that's far more important. Saying it without words is precious.

Bah. Secondly. I've decided that the writing method that works for me is forming a sturdy skeleton for the story and then writing it, fleshing it out as I go. It's how I've accomplished my most effective writing. Elemental Force, I had the whole framework: the conflict with the realms unravelling because the doubled-over timeline snapped back to one again, the temples they had to right, the biggest challenges they would face. All the major plot elements were already developed, I just had to flesh it out by actually writing it. Heart of a Werewolf, I had a real framework, chapter-by-chapter, which worked well because it was short and to the point. For my 2005 NaNo stuff, I had all the major plot elements in place, too.

Just finding a beginning and a hint of an ultimate conflict and running with it really isn't enough for me.

Keeping this in mind... tomorrow I'll try to build, if I don't just sleep during my freetime in class. Haha.


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