karriezai: ([asoiaf] dark wings dark words)
...but my updates are.

The aftermath of the me-Danny-Morgan thing. It's really over this time. No. Really. )

Erm, I gave up on NaNo. With the stress of conflict with Danny and school put together, it just wasn't doable this month. Or at least... I didn't have the energy. I have a lot of stuff due this week. In math, the second part of the portfolio. The science lesson apparently got moved back, so maybe not that. In classroom management, I have stuff due and overdue; of the three assignments, I can probably get two done without going back to my internship first. In reading, a book club reflection on a book I haven't read yet and won't get until later this week, so I'll be asking for an extension probably. In language arts, two case reports and my mini lesson report. Which I forgot to have my mentor fill out the rubric for. Damn. Guess that portion will be late.

Blah. Anyway. Life.
karriezai: ([avatar] sweetheart/bitterheart)
Morgan reactivated her Facebook. Talking to her makes me pretty deeply sad, but I think it'll pass. I suppose if we want to be real friends again we'll have to sit down and talk... but we'll see.

Bit of TMI )

Anyway. Suffice to say. I did not sleep at all last night, and I was run down all day at my internship. My fifth graders were asking me what was wrong with my eyes and I had to explain I didn't get any sleep and my eyes were protesting, but a couple of the intuitive ones did not miss the fact that puffy eyes come from crying.

Fuck my life right now.

It'll get better. But I think... this might be the lowest I've been... maybe ever, and if not, certainly in a long while.
karriezai: ([avatar] sweetheart/bitterheart)
I've been watching the Biggest Loser. I know some people don't do reality TV at all on principle, but it's the only one that I feel isn't retarded. It's a good message and a good goal. And it's inspiring too. You can't watch an episode and then feel right about pigging out or skipping out on the gym. It helps keep you going. I'm going to the gym today with John. Yesterday we were supposed to but I ended up not being able to, so instead I worked on my Carmen Electra DVDs and used the rower at home. Plus a couple other things.

Today I was supposed to work but I called out... mostly because I was feeling very sick, in and out of the bathroom, but also because I hardly slept because I was so upset with Danny. He actually let me leave the room to go sleep in the game room. He didn't come get me. The only reason I came back was because when Justin started moving around getting ready for work, I'd barely gotten to sleep and it woke me, and it was too hot to try to get back to sleep in the game room.

Just a lot of little things added up to make me feel down, and when I tried to talk to him about it he got upset with me. I can't stand that. He wants me to express myself better but he won't freaking listen and doesn't even care. I was so pissed. He made fun of the fact that I don't have as many friends who could be bridesmaids now as he does friends who would be groomsmen, he got angry at me for saying I hadn't seen Gladiator recently enough to recognize one of the actors from it (said I was being "condescending" to him because he had seen it recently), got angry at me for, I don't know, not having the appropriate response to his comment of he's not sure who he'd make best man at the moment in time, he'd just go with me.... what's the appropriate response to that, anyway?


Sex TMI )

Obviously he didn't want to talk about it in the morning. But he was more... I don't know, gentle, he pet my back without me having to ask, stuff like that, so I took it as something of an apology and let it go. For now at least. But it's not fair that he be angry with me for trying to tell him I'm upset. I know I'm not that articulate when I'm upset and I know he may not understand why I'm upset but he's supposed to fucking give a damn.

And the one night when he was upset with me and he stayed up all night, couldn't sleep, because he was upset and wanted an apology, argh it makes me so mad because it's exactly how I feel all the freaking time but he just doesn't fucking get it.

I do love him. It's just, it's just... not fair.
karriezai: ([kh] [axel] nobody noheart nosoul)

The front car in the accident yesterday called USAA to file a claim, but so far the woman in the middle car hasn't called and no one's been able to reach her. Which is fine with me, the guy's damage was super minimal. Apparently it was like the screws on her front license plate scraped his paint up some, which he only called for because his car's pretty brand new.

And um.

My parents called to tell me that next year they won't be able to take out any more loans for my college. They'll keep up with the ones they already have, but that's all.

Which, I mean, will probably be manageable. I won't be in the dorms anymore, so my costs will be drastically reduced. My financial aid will probably go up since my mom went from making $26/hr to making $10/hr between tax periods. I'll try to be more serious about looking into scholarships... since I have good grades in college, I may be able to find something. Tuition and fees without room and board (but including things like the gym and such) is currently at about $4000 a semester, $8000 a year. I have a $5000 a year scholarship. Not bad. I think I can handle $3000 a year in student loans just paying interest. I may even spring for a meal plan, I'm not sure. I'll talk to some financial advisors at school and see what they say.

But it sucks. )
karriezai: ([asoiaf] song of ice)
Depressed. Sex stuff. Stupid Danny.

We have secret santa at work today. I have to get something for one of the girls. I may just get an American Express gift card. Impersonal, but she'd appreciate it because she could use it for anything. Blah. And I'm going to the gym with John. And I just want to curl up into a ball and die.

But somehow I made an A in Writers' House.
karriezai: ([lolcat] i see you)
I have this random nagging feeling, I don't know where it came from. But I know I've seen Danny cry. Once at least, maybe twice. The once I'm fairly certain about; it was this really deep talk very early on in the relationship about... something like he was starting to love me so much, but he was scared of getting hurt, and I told him he could trust me. We were kind of drunk at the time, which is why it's so hazy now (and yet startlingly clear at some points, like the scenery around us), but I do know we both cried. I just have this feeling there was another time I'm not remembering. And I don't know why it's bugging me. It does make me wonder, though, when/if I'll see him cry again. He definitely is your typical man's man -- not much is going to make him cry in his adult life.

But yeah. I'm hoping soon I'll get into the swing of saving money again. I have to spend $400 out of savings for my parking permit, which posted late on my stupid student account. Back down to below $1,000, which really sucks. If I'd never spent anything in savings I'd have at least $4,000 by now.

Anyway I drove Danny to the airport at 6 this morning. I was an idiot and ran over a curb hard, and my car got mad and decided to consume double the usual gas for a little while. (I checked for leaks and such; nothing. I'm now positive my car has a personality.) But I think it's forgiven me now. So yes, Danny is in Vegas, and tired, he had a long day. He put a countdown to sex on his countdown app on his iPhone, which I found very amusing.

Made $78 this morning. Lots of football. Means less rollover of tables, but more alcohol sold, so it roughly balances out usually. I even got the normal headwait section, which consists of two high-tops, two tables, and the front two booths (most popular), and is also conveniently close to the outside seating.

Jason got fired, which surprised me, honestly. I didn't think he was a bad guy. Other girls weren't surprised, but it really stunned me, especially seeing the stuff Starbucks managers have gotten away with without being fired. I just pinned down that reason for my shock.

So I'm pretty tired, I think I'll wrap up. I think I'll start missing Danny tomorrow. I don't think it will be bad since we've done it before. Besides, the countdown to sex really adds a new element. =D

Also, I love him so ridiculously much.
karriezai: ([hp] [puff] den of sin)
Ha. We drank last night, and I just woke up maybe 15 minutes ago. We went to bed at 2:30... but still. I haven't woken up to a PM time in forever, and it makes me feel kind of bad. I guess my body probably needed it. I also haven't been able to just sleep as long as my body desired in a while. Plus I did some good exercise yesterday -- running and some strength training on the Bowflex -- and it's entirely possible that my body needed extra time to heal after that since I decided to drink last night.

I didn't have that much though. Just in the pretty tipsy zone, amplified by the fact that I was tired. He was so cute and sweet. He got to that tipsy zone where he was very affectionate and "You're so pretty," you know.

We discussed threesomes. )

Well anyway. We saw Get Smart Thursday night/Friday morning, and I liked it quite a lot more than I thought I would. I actually love the Rock as an actor (I know he's going by Dwayne Johnson now but he'll always be the Rock to me), and I loved that Max Smart really did know what he was doing for the most part, really deserved to be an agent, just made a lot of hilarious rookie mistakes.

My favorite line was definitely, "What about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?" x) You'd have to see the movie to get it, but it was awesome.

Meh. I'm getting hungry. I should go get some McDonalds.

ETA Uploaded three more pictures. Not really worth checking out since the three previews are literally the only pictures added... but hey. The deer were very close by in daylight, which is a miracle... and the tanning heart I took after I tanned yesterday evening.

karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Danny texted me today to say that he didn't clean before work (our rooms were kind of, well, ew) but that while he was off Wednesday and Thursday he would clean, and he didn't want me to do anything except relax and order him around. It was the sweetest sentiment, but I didn't believe for a minute it would actually happen... so when I got home from work I spent about an hour cleaning. I folded clothes, gathered dirty clothes into the hamper, put away a shitload of DVDs, and otherwise found places for the surprising amount of random shit lying just everywhere. It looks pretty good now. I haven't told Danny. A new House and How I Met Your Mother recorded, so I told him I'd probably fall asleep, but I want him to wake me up when he gets home so we can watch them if he's still awake enough for it. (He's doing the midnight release for GTA tonight.) I won't get that much sleep, but I'll be able to nap at least a little while tomorrow.

Well anyway, I'm sure he'll be appreciative if he notices. I think he should, the cleanliness factor went up quite a bit.

Sex related possible TMI as to why he probably sent said text... )

I don't know, he might also have noticed how the accumulation of disorder in our rooms has kind of coincided with my increased stress etc. at school, because I just haven't felt like cleaning, so nothing has really gotten done. Not many dishes have been done since last time I felt up to it, either, which shows the sort of housemates I have. I dunno.

Anyway, I only worked 4 hours today. It wasn't bad at all, even though Debra showed up. She's pretty cool when she's in a good mood... she's just not usually in a good mood when visiting George's store. (Debra would be the DM, George's boss, by the way.)

I told Breshawn that the way George has kind of disappeared for two weeks and Renee, the assistant manager from another store, has come to fill in is kind of suspicious, especially since he hasn't called at all to check in on the store. Danny calls to check on his store if he just takes off two days in a row, much less two weeks. Debra said he's "sick," but I dunno. My theory is that maybe they put George on paid vacation and gave Renee the store as a test run to decide whether or not to promote her. It makes a lot of sense in some ways, particularly considering how very often Debra has been at the store lately -- it's ridiculous.

I'll be pretty disappointed if/when my theory proves to be false =/
karriezai: ([hp] snape's penis)
Wow, Goren and Eames still are on Criminal Intent sometimes. I thought they were taken off completely and I was so pissed off. I don't like episodes with Chris Noth. He upsets me. I miss Vincent D'Onofrio. Eh.

Anyway. So I had a good weekend. )

I guess that's about it. I went to school just for second period today, got the new Linkin Park CD... disappointed with it. All previous CDs I've liked every single song. This one, I like a couple, there're a couple I'd listen to in the right mood, and others... just what the hell were they thinking? A couple are just like, Linkin Park made this? It sounds like an emo band! But ah. I hung out with Alicia, came home, biked with Cris.

Tomorrow is the senior picnic. Then Thursday is graduation practice and junk. Thursday night begins anniversary! At midnight that night I'm making Danny open his present because I'm impatient. I've waited long enough. Weeks! Haha. I love that fucker. Oh man. I was looking up promise rings. I'm going to present his necklace as a sort of promise, similar. I wear his always because I love him. I give him its match because we're a match. And as a promise. Because when it comes time to be engaged or married or whatever... I want it to be him.
karriezai: ([house] finding nemo)
Poor Danny had a horrible hangover today so he picked me up after school and went in to work late... but he's at work now, and he'll be there until 7:30. He's supposed to bring back this girl who works there that he had a brief thing with to watch Deja-Vu, and at first I was really freaked out by it. Danny was like, "There's no emotional attachment at all, we were just good friends and we hooked up after a party once." And I guess it didn't occur to him that that's just as weird to me. I can't do casual sex. And I've never had any desire to meet someone who's slept with him. Weeeiiird. I'll be okay... I mean, it's just a weird psychological thing. I don't understand it. I trust him and I know how much he cares about me, but for some reason, it just still seems weird. But whatever, he said we'd try it this once, and if it's too weird we won't do it again. But I'm sure it'll be fine, I was just psyching myself out.

Mother's Day is Sunday... hum. I made my mom a card. I feel bad because I want to spend the day with Danny. It just seems like I'll hardly see him this weekend. He was supposed to have an eight hour shift today, and even though it wasn't that long, I didn't have that much time with him. And tomorrow another eight hour shift in the middle of the day. But Danny's mom is out of town, so maybe he'll stay the night over at my house. Maybe we'll take mom out to breakfast as a family or something, I dunno.

I feel bad because I have no desire to spend any real time with my parents ninety nine percent of the time. It's just like my dad said however long ago. I was supposed to be out of the house almost a year ago. I'm ready to be on my own and they're ready to get rid of me. I've overstayed my welcome. (Yes, he said that.) Eh.
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] strange love)
I wrote until I got tired of writing... again, I don't expect anyone to read it, it's far too long. It's just here for me to stumble on some day in the future.

letter to ash part two )
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] inhale)
I wrote this huge letter to my friend Ash in Alaska... part I wrote on Christmas, part the day before Valentine's Day. I still haven't mailed it. I'm splitting it up into several parts and posting it here. I don't expect anyone to read it -- it's way too long -- but it'll be here for me to look back on.

letter to ash part one )
karriezai: ([me] [cell] kissing danny)
I love him. So much.

very brief TMI )

I love that I can see how much he cares about me, how he wants what's best for me.

I love him.
karriezai: ([kh] &nobody)
I didn't sleep well last night at all. It was like six hours, but it felt like eternity because I kept waking up, and you know how actually being awake seems to last a lot longer than being asleep? Yeah. It's because I had alcohol last night. Not enough to get drunk, just really tipsy, but apparently being really tipsy to somewhat drunk makes it hard for me to sleep. It's weird.

We played drinking Crash Team Racing. =) Danny and me. It was fun. He kicked my ass. I think I beat him in three races out of like...twenty. Sad, right? It was worse once I actually started to feel the alcohol. Ha. I drink very rarely now, and I don't get drunk. It's the second time since New Year's that I've had any alcohol, and the first time, with the margarita, I didn't even drink enough to feel it.

Uhhh so. Last time I updated was Wednesday? Wow, I get preoccupied.

Friday night, Danny slept over here. We watched The Covenant and um... oh, we went to the boulevard, picked up tips, and saw... oh crap I forgot already. We sat in the previews and couldn't remember that the last movie we saw there was Night at the Museum for like five minutes... and now I can't remember what we saw. It was... Smokin' Aces, of course! And it was good, too. My memory's awful right now, probably because I'm so tired.

And I'm distracted by Material Girls, which I'm watching despite knowing it'd be dumb because I'm still a Lizzie McGuire fan at heart (guiltyface). So this is taking a long time to type.

Anyway, it was fun. Onward to sex talk which may be TMI... )

Anyway, he took me home at 1:45 because he had to go to his aunt's funeral. =( It's sad... but he didn't know her all that well... so he's okay, at least, and that's good. It's always horrible when family dies, though.

We were supposed to try to go skiing Wednesday, but I have mock trial -- that's when we start our actual meets, and I can't not go. I knew it'd be a pain in the ass. Bah.

I need to do the college thing, I think. Not tonight I guess. I need mom's help. And I'm tired. And I need to strip my bed still. And fold clothes. So yeah. Maybe tomorrow. I guess that's it.