karriezai: ([asoiaf] armored courtesy)
Recap of events leading up to awkwardness:

For those who don't know, Morgan is Danny and my friend. We met her through Danny's work when he was still commuting over to Virginia. She worked at the Starbucks there, and then he hired her when she applied to Gamestop. There was a fairly brief time period when I was jealous of Danny's relationship with her which started when our texting bill was outrageously high for the first time due to all the texts Danny had been sending to her, resulting in us having to get unlimited texting. (It was, seriously, retarded.) Anyway, this jealousy was due to some serious parallels between us: we had and have tons in common, and she reminded me of me back when Danny started dating me, right down to her working at Starbucks and him being her supervisor.

I got over this just fine in time because Danny and I have a trusting relationship and because he assured me it was more like a big brother relationship (which makes perfect sense seeing as he's eight years her elder, which is a lot when you're considering she was underage at the time). Some posts on the issue from back when it WAS an issue, in order chronologically: here, here, here, and here. They show a clear progression from mildly worried to almost irrationally angry to starting to get over it but still annoyed. (Also, I didn't link it, but I found the entry about his texting with her: he went over by 300 texts that month, more than double the texts our plan allotted at the time, and cost us $30.)

Anyway, pretty boring since then. We don't get to hang out with Morgan much when we're all so busy and she's in Virginia while we both live and work in Maryland now. So Saturday was her birthday, and I forgot to take off work so I could hang out when she came over that evening. I told them I'd try to get off as early as possible but I wasn't sure how plausible it would be, and told them to come visit me at work, so they did. And then they went home (to Danny's parents' house, since we were puppy sitting) and hung out and started drinking for the three-ish other hours I still ended up working, and then I came home and joined them, and we had a fun night other than Danny kidney-punching me and twisting my thumb in a more painful way than usual, which made me angry at him all night but I pushed it away to have fun for Morgan until we went to bed.

So yesterday when I got off work, I asked Danny if he wanted me to come by his midnight release, and he said yeah, there was something he wanted to talk to me about. )

ETA: Talked to Danny. Feel all better. :D

wow

23/7/10 03:16
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)

This is long. I'll edit some lj-cuts in tomorrow but for now...

Today was hard. They put Hobbes down today. Everyone took it hard. I even cried for her a little -- I knew I would cry with so many heartbroken people around me, but I didn't expect to cry for her when I never really liked her much. She just seemed a little snobby or high-strung. I don't tell Danny this of course. But it's true. I've found that I like dogs. I even played with Sean today and it was terrific. But Hobbes' personality just never suited me. In fact it turned me away. (I really hope and believe that it wasn't jealousy, though I felt that occasionally too since I know how much Danny loved her.)

Anyway, it was so hard to see it happen and think about them having to make that decision to let her go when she was still lucid. She wasn't eating or drinking and she often fell and couldn't get up, but she still walked around and was interested in people and went outside to use the bathroom. They wanted her to suffer as little as possible but it's still so hard to think that they have to make the decision to put her down when there's no real way of knowing her feelings on the subject.

And it was surprisingly painful to see her limp in Sue's arms. Harder to see Sue sobbing over her, but hard to see her gone as well.

I love this family though. There is so much love. So many people came to comfort us. Neighbors and relatives alike.

Sue has taken it so hard. It's hard to see her sobbing in moments without distraction. She drank a lot, tripped and fell, and I just felt terrible because there's nothing I can do. And she probably needs some alone time to cry herself out but it seems wrong to leave her alone.

It was so peaceful though. They couldn't have done it better. The vet came out here, sedated her, then did the tourniquet and shaving and injection. There was no pain for Hobbes and no fear like at the vet. Just confusion and worry for her sad family, which is understandable.

Danny and I drank and played Magic and tried a little generic vicodin at the end of the night tonight, and then I talked to him about our different styles of expressing our love... I'm chatty on vicodin apparently, but I meant what I said and I hope to continue the conversation tomorrow. I think it will help clear some things up. Unfortunately, it can't do everything. I can't expect him to suddenly develop more sensitivity to the little things I want from him. But I'm sure he feels the same way about me when it comes to certain expressions of intimacy, so it's something we'll have to communicate and work through with time.

karriezai: ([asoiaf] rainbow guard)
Trying to catch up with school after a completely wasted spring break (when it comes to schoolwork anyway). I finished my lab report but I still have to print it out along with the little sheet things for the two primary sources I chose. I have to fill those two out but I doubt it can take long, which is why I decided to let it wait for morning.

I did all my French work, finished it two days early, hoping to keep that trend up. Last unit I forgot to do half until it was too late so I lost half the credit. And I already lost ten points for missing a quality assignment. That's twenty points out of 1,000 lost for stupid reasons. Not much if I do well on everything else but still a pain in the ass. I do well on all the quizzes and stuff... tomorrow I need to study the little culture notes though, I haven't really even looked at them yet. (I have a quiz tomorrow in French.)

I really want to make a roleplay site, it's so sad. I'm not even sure how much I want to roleplay, but I want to make the site. Morgan's into roleplaying and it semi-revived the spark. I'm holding myself back because she isn't showing too much interest in roleplaying with me and I know if I get OCD about it again it'll interfere with the already limited time I leave myself to do schoolwork. But if she seemed into it I'd probably be all over it, haha. I sent her some of my writing... we'll see what goes down.

Went to Jenn's bridal shower Saturday, it was nice. Naturally made me dream I was engaged to Danny that night, but surprisingly enough the only real thought I took away from the dream was "Hey, he actually found a ring that fits!" Lol. When we were drinking last night watching Twilight (because you can really only watch it with a little alcohol, I mean honestly), we were talking about how... it speaks to how much he trusts and loves me that he talks so openly about Morgan because he knows he doesn't have to worry about me acting threatened the way other girls would by him having a close friendship with a girl. And how I still feel it's weird but I trust him so completely that I realize my feelings of weirdness are pointless because it's not like he'd ever do anything to even make me feel betrayed, much less actually betray me.

Hm. He mentioned how normal girls in normal relationships couldn't take the thing with Morgan. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it's because we're further along in our relationship than a lot of people get in two years. In a lot of ways we already act like a married couple, and married couples are infamous for their workwives and workhusbands. Which is kind of what Morgan is.

Haha. I love him, as usual.
karriezai: ([iron man] crashed love)
So I feel ridiculously better today, and super appreciative of what I have in Danny. To tell the whole story, I'll start with the text Morgan sent yesterday. )

So basically... he completely erased all of my insecurities about the entire mess. He felt bad and apologized to Morgan for saying mean things to her, but she took it very well. We're supposed to find time over spring break to hang out just her and me for a girls day so I can get to be better friends with her.

It all worked out in the end. And I love Danny more than anything. I hate that apparently I needed some reassurance of his feelings, because although logically I knew how committed he was, I guess my heart was having problems with it. If it wasn't, then I wouldn't have felt such strong relief at his display of love and commitment.

I really appreciate all the support I got from all directions, though, throughout this. Stacie, Stephanie, John, Deborah, [livejournal.com profile] eotheod... all in no particular order, but you are all amazing. Love you guys!
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] believe anything i feel)
So I tried weed for the first time Wednesday night. And probably the only time. I really hated it. I was already drunk, which probably contributed, but it was a really scary feeling. I felt completely disconnected. I had this weird moment that I'm never going to be able to explain properly, but it was sort of like I realized reality was just an endless loop, and I could see every thread of it, and it was terrifying. I just wanted to piece back together the threads that made the reality of that moment so that I wouldn't have that terrifying floaty disconnected feeling, and even if the reality I returned to was an illusion, at least it wasn't so completely depressing. It was a horribly real feeling. I could feel it slipping away as I came down, and I knew, I remember thinking to myself, this feeling will fade and later I won't remember the true depth of it. But at the time I know it was terrifying. And it seemed to last forever.

I was so alone in my head. I don't know how Danny or Alicia were affected. I don't know anything else that went on outside my head, except I know we were watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily dressed up as a parrot for Halloween because I was focusing on that trying to pull reality back together. That, and then Danny's hand on mine, and his pink shirt with the flowers on it.

So yeah. I don't want to do it again. I might one day consider brownies if there's no alcohol involved, but not anytime soon I think.

I also just got an email from my dad saying Mom told him how much repairs on my car cost and I'm to pay her back as soon as possible. I was like, "Gee, thanks Dad." I've already tried a little. She wanted to buy a giftcard for Danny's parents to their favorite restaurant for taking such good care of me, but I told her to let me buy it with my money, and she should put whatever money she was going to use on it toward her credit card. I didn't need any prompting for that. I feel bad about how much my car cost to fix. And it's not like I did anything to break it, even. It's just an old car. It's done so well for its age, to be honest. It has working AC, no major defects... I think it's just mad because I don't wash it enough.

Um yeah. I guess that's it. Except I plan to submit my WotF entry that just got Honorable Mention to Realms of Fantasy magazine, see if I can get some money out of that.
karriezai: ([misc] why so serious?)
Now I want an iPhone. Before I honestly didn't want one. I wanted to get Danny one because he really wants one, but I didn't want one. Justin showed me the new update though and the additions are so freaking cool. Meh.

On the plus side I should start making more money with this new job, so I can save more. I don't know if I'd reasonably be able to save up enough for two iPhones and the cost of Danny's cancellation fee though. But I bet if I paid for either the phone or the cancellation fee, he'd get the other. He wants it.

I'm excited. A little nervous, but excited. I'm not exactly sure what to wear, so I'm wearing jeans, a nice tee, and my mostly white tennis shoes. It's a Hooters, they can't expect extremely formal wear. I might call at two or so, though, and ask just in case. I hope I don't need to bring pantyhose this time, or the all white tennis shoes, because I don't have them yet. Well, I have white tennis shoes, but I haven't seen if they fit yet and they need inserts. So yeah.

Oh, and. Danny & me stuff )
karriezai: ([lolcat] mine plzkthx)
I'm pretty red from tanning yesterday. I think she put me on new bulbs because I didn't burn the last couple of times before yesterday. When she asked, "New bulbs or old?" I shrugged and said, "Eh, old are fine." So I guess it's possible she gave me new since I made it pretty clear it didn't matter. I don't mind, I'm just waiting for the red to turn to tan since being slightly lobsterish isn't very attractive.

I've started using the Bowflex. Just a little; I don't want to bulk up at all, just tone and lengthen or whatever. So I've got a couple leg exercises and a couple arm exercises, and occasionally I try the rowing function but it's very annoying compared to using an actual rowing machine.

Ash sent me a package of birthday/Christmas gifts she's been meaning to send for the last couple of years. Ah, I love that girl, and I miss her so much. She got me a little stuffed moose, a necklace (which the moose is wearing as a bridle), pirate earrings, a book by Stephen King on writing, and a gigantic "Don't make me go Zelda on you" shirt (which she said maybe I could use as pajamas... or a tent XD). There were also three cards and a letter.

I haven't sent her anything in a long time, though I used to send her all kinds of stuff. I definitely will again as soon as I find something/have money/have an excuse (one or some combination of these)... and it will probably involve dragons. Apparently even Danny associated Ash with dragons because of how strongly I do. x)

So I'll be applying at Hooters tomorrow. I was supposed to today, but Danny had to work. It gave me time to stop by Target and get a nice white bra since I won't be able to wear my black one under the white Hooters top.

Also Danny's getting sick, and I knew it before he did. It's one of those things that makes me realize how close we are, that little differences in him that show he's getting sick stand out to me. Like how his throat had a little tickle, which might have been nothing, except he was tired earlier than usual (he said it was because he needed to get up early but that doesn't normally make him tired, especially not at 11:30), and his skin was cool to my touch when normally he's so much warmer than me. My baby.
karriezai: ([hp] avada kedavra)
This morning when I was leaving for work I backed into Alli's car. I went to look at it, and at first glance I didn't think the damage was that bad... noticeable, but only if you're looking. If you're in a hurry, you'll miss it. I went inside to tell Danny anyway, and he said not to worry about it right now, so I went back outside. I looked at it again and decided it was worse than I'd first thought. It was noticeable, but I didn't think it would interfere with anything. I hit the back of the front tire well, but it also dented above the well a little even though I didn't touch that. I went ahead to work, but when I got there I tried calling Danny first thing and ended up having to leave him a voicemail. I said I'd looked again and it was worse than I thought, and basically that I didn't know what to do. But he never got that voicemail, apparently.

Justin called me at work and asked me what happened, and I said I don't know, I guess I didn't judge the distance right, I don't know, and (I think) something along the lines of Alli was asleep so I didn't want to wake her right then, I wanted to wait to tell her. He just gave me her number and said I needed to call her. He was surprisingly cool about it. I called her right away and she was pretty cool too, said the problem was her door wouldn't open now and she needed to meet some classmates for a group project. She was handling it and said we'd exchange insurance information later on. Which we did, and then on my lunch I called her again to apologize for not waking her right then. I hadn't realized it would cause any real problems with the car (like the door not opening) and I thought it was something that could sit until she was awake and I was off work, but I should have told her right away anyway. She said it was okay; she wished I had told her right away, but it worked out in the end.

So I just got home and called Danny to update him on all this. I told him I was most worried about talking to Justin even though he was cool on the phone earlier... and Danny said when Justin got home from work, he input the password on the video monitoring system on the property and they watched me back into her. I'd made it sound like I judged the distance wrong, but what really happened was I blanked on the fact that she was even home. I was concentrating on not hitting this ADT sign that's always next to my car and just not paying enough attention to what was behind me, so it wasn't just that I didn't turn the wheel enough, it's that I hardly turned it at all -- hence why I hit her front wheel well and not the back end of the car. In the end it's my fault either way, whether I judged the distance wrong or wasn't paying enough attention... but it still makes me feel worse. Especially from talking to Danny. "We watched you just ram her car, you didn't turn the wheel at all." I could see Justin being pretty angry. But I'll deal with it. I didn't handle things as well as I should have, but it's not like I dodged responsibility or anything. And I feel really badly. I would pay for it myself if insurance couldn't -- I have money for it. And I did learn that these things can't just sit -- they have to be handled right away. You never know -- I mean, it didn't even occur to me that her door would be affected, but it was.

So I'm really hoping I'm never in the situation again, but if I am, I know to tell the owner immediately, even if it means calling in late to work or whatever else. And of course, just to be more careful! I can drive alright now, but I still have my insecurities, and I should know better than to pay too little attention when backing up. I'm not that good at backing to begin with!

D= Well. Now to shower. And likely to talk to Justin and Alli first -- it sounds like they're home, and I haven't seen them face to face yet.

Edit: Justin just came in to talk to me, he was completely fine about it. He joked about watching the video of it and mimed Alli's and my reactions to it... and Dennis walking out and checking it out, and then Danny. Haha. So I guess in the end the worst reaction I get is from Danny... and it wasn't that bad, I think it's just because I'm more sensitive to what he thinks about whatever I do. Even my mom was completely cool. She just said she backed into some woman's car at a gas station in Germany once. Basically everyone said, "It happens to everyone at least once."
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] we were innocent)
So they're doing inventory this week at GameStop, which only occurs once a year and is a Very Big Deal. So Danny went in really early yesterday to get some preemptive work done, went home for a while and napped a bit, then went back in for a while to make sure some other stuff got done. Today is the actual inventory, so he didn't have to go in until five, but he'll have to stay until it's done, which could reasonably be three in the morning. Then tomorrow he has to be at some team meeting or something at 8:30 or so until one, then go in to work closing one-thirty to ten. And he closes Saturday. I told him it sucks... it'd be so much better if he at least opened Saturday, because then he might be able to leave early. But if he closes, he has to come in on time, and obviously he can't leave early because they need the AM there to close.

He said he might see if he can switch with the opener Saturday. For him it's not that he might get off early, it's just that he'll be able to come pick me up before eleven at night. Plus opening's usually a little easier. It was the same at Starbucks. Openers didn't have to worry about cleaning up like closers did. At GameStop, openers worry less about doing trade-ins and whatever else.

Danny likes it there, and I'm glad, because it's a great job for him. The hours are long though, especially for salaried workers. The usual work day is nine hours, sometimes more. Like at Starbucks the longest you'd be scheduled for was eight and a half hours, and that extra half hour was a lunch, so you were only actually working eight. A typical opening shift for Danny is nine to 6:30. Nine hours and a half-hour lunch. Haha. I mean, there's definitely worse, it's just... different. Starbucks seriously spoiled me in terms of policy.

Okay, so I've been tinking away at Eysuria with a little mental chisel, working stuff out. I know I keep talking about it. I've made good progress in concept and such. At some point I'll have to settle down and write, though, and that's been my weakness lately.

I got an email from Writers of the Future inviting me to the celebration for winners, but I don't know if I actually won anything yet. This was my first time entering, so for all I know all entrants get that invitation. Hopefully this means I'll get back notice one way or the other soon, though. I checked the mail all hopeful today, but nothing.

At first the email got my hopes all up, but then I reread the story I entered, and I'm back to healthy doubting. Especially after skimming some of the old winning stories. Thing is, I want to enter until I win, if I ever win. But I also want to submit to writing magazines, paying magazines, and if you get published you become ineligible for the contest. I don't know if one story in a magazine would be sufficient, but I think so. I'd have to reread the rules. I suppose I could just submit separate stories to each until one or the other happens.

Yep. And I can't wait to move out. To live in the dorms. I love my mom, but I'm ready to be on my own. Ugh. And the fact that Danny and I would be living together if we could only makes it worse. I love him so much. I'm really not sure whether my mom realizes how close we are.
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] strange love)
I wrote until I got tired of writing... again, I don't expect anyone to read it, it's far too long. It's just here for me to stumble on some day in the future.

letter to ash part two )
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] inhale)
I wrote this huge letter to my friend Ash in Alaska... part I wrote on Christmas, part the day before Valentine's Day. I still haven't mailed it. I'm splitting it up into several parts and posting it here. I don't expect anyone to read it -- it's way too long -- but it'll be here for me to look back on.

letter to ash part one )
karriezai: ([kh] [axel] nobody noheart nosoul)
I got interrupted writing that entry last night. I mean, I had more to say, but the moment's gone. I'm so tired of living with my parents. Ever since I turned sixteen whenever my dad has gotten particularly pissed with me he's thrown a suitcase on my bed and told me if I don't like living here, I'm old enough I can get out. He'd give me a suitcase and my clothes, he says. And when I turned eighteen... not right when, but later on, we got in a huge fight, and I finally managed to speak through my crying. I have the hardest time trying to talk when I get upset. Well, in this huge fight, the thing I remember most is him telling me I'd overstayed my welcome. Kids are supposed to leave the house shortly after turning 18, but I'm still here, finishing up my senior year of high school. He told me it's natural -- kids grow into their own people and push the bounds of their independence, and I didn't want to be here anymore, living under his rules, and he didn't want me here anymore. Which is true enough, but it still sounded horrible to me, especially said in anger.

Yes, I absolutely do want out of here.

Last night... I was working on that entry and Dad came in. I had asked earlier if Danny could borrow the cable that turns a wireless Xbox 360 controller into a wired one temporarily... just for two days. Dad said sure reluctantly. So when he came in last night after Danny had gone, he said, "I just want you to know, if Danny decides to propose to you, I draw the line at him borrowing your mother's wedding ring." I just gave him this dumbfounded stare. Cris asked what he was talking about, and he said, "She knows. She might tell me she doesn't, but she knows."

I said, "I don't see what him borrowing that cable has to do with that." And kept staring.

Dad said, "And movies, and you borrowed my whole case of software once..."

"That was my fault," I reminded him, because I got in big trouble for borrowing the whole case of software, and it was my idea.

"I know," he said, "but I'm just telling you I have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it at your mother's wedding band."

I continued to stare. Dad was smiling real big like it was hilarious, and he looked at Cris and said, "Look at her, she hates me right now. She's thinking, 'This isn't funny at all.'"

Damn fucking right. About it not being funny. I don't hate him. But sometimes he's infuriating. I guess everybody is, sometimes, but ah.
karriezai: ([me] [cell] kissing danny)
I had a great weekend, absolutely terrific. Danny's so sweet, such a traditionalist, not like me at all. Tradition can be great (it was this weekend), but I also like (and sometimes prefer) spontaneous stuff, I guess making new traditions.

He cooked for me. Did a whole meal thing. Served salad in martini glasses, lol, and then the main course -- chicken cacciatore, which was delicious... Danny was proud, haha, and I definitely enjoyed it. And last dessert, a piece of this heart-shaped cake I saw him and his mom making earlier (and that I rescued from the oven when I was the only one in the house when the timer went off). It was all very beautiful, on china with wine in wine glasses and candle light... I hate wine, but it was certainly a nice picture.

And of course we were both dressed up nice. We'd each seen each other's outfits before, but it was still very nice. We'd never dressed up at the same time before, and he'd just had a haircut and a shave, which was very fucking hot. Haha. I wore lotion with glitter in it and jewelry I hadn't worn before (except his Batman necklace, I always wear that). I even changed my earrings, shock and amazement -- I never do that. Speaking of which, I need to put those back in... Anyway, I also did up my hair... not especially nice, but different from what I usually do, which was a change. And I wore skyscraper heels, lol. But only for a little bit, they came off as soon as we sat down to eat and got left upstairs.

I loved it. I love that he'd do that for me. And the traditionalism is adorable. I'm a girl at heart -- I love the candle light and the dressing up, and him telling me I'm beautiful.

Before we left Friday night, while I was waiting for him to get home from work, I was talking to mom... how did we get on the subject? Oh, because I was being impatient, and mom said something like it's just because I love him more than anyone else right now... and then she said, "No, let's call it what it is: lust."

I was kind of surprised. My parents have been so supportive -- in contrast with Tim, they've shown they actually like Danny, and I didn't recognize the difference until it happened. They never said anything bad about Tim, they just never said anything good. It was a kind of feeling of resigned acceptance with Tim.

Except since they decided Danny's front tires are too bald and unsafe but he refused to change them because we looked it up and they're still safe according to everything we read on the internet, there have been little comments. Like when I lost my keys and Danny insisted they weren't at his place, he looked all over for a missing Wiimote and would have seen them along the way if they'd been there... I said, "You weren't looking for them, though, so you might have missed them," but he was insistent he would have seen them. (He was right. They'd fallen behind my desk at home.) Dad, though, said sarcastically, "It's good to know he cares enough to actually look for them." Stuff like that. Oh, and the thing that actually really bothered me, when my dad compared Danny to Uncle Matt for not changing his tires... I know how highly my parents regard Uncle Matt (/sarcasm), and it kind of pissed me off to have Danny compared to him.

I'm completely in love with him. I wasn't even too bothered by mom saying that. I didn't genuinely argue, I just said offhandedly, "No, it's love." She disagreed, but I left it alone. I dunno. My parents tend to have pretty good instincts, but they're also very harsh when it comes to judging whether someone's being good to me. The thing with Yuka, they were making comments, like my dad saying she wasn't being a good friend when she ignored my comfort and smoked in the car on the way to Baltimore, even when I said something about it. Which is true, but one thing by itself doesn't necessarily mean a friendship is sour. It was everything added up that led to the breakdown of mine and Yuka's friendship.

Besides, his tires may not be in the best condition, but we looked it up... 1/16th of an inch of tread is bald, and when that happens, there are tread wear indicator bars that show in the tires. I figure tire companies would have the most to gain from having you replace your tires more often by saying the tread is unsafe sooner, so... whatever. My parents are just overcautious sometimes. And they aren't there to see most of what occurs between me and Danny, so they have very little perspective on the situation.

I know how much I care about him, and I can see how much he cares about me. He's so good to me. He's fucking beautiful. I've been thinking too far ahead. I almost said that I get to plan the next Valentine's Day before I realized that's a whole year from now.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I guess I knew, but it struck me last night. It's been nearly three months and it still feels as exhilarating and perfect as at the beginning, if not moreso. No... definitely moreso. I love him so much.

Thoughts... )

The cat's so cute. Did I ever say we got a new kitten? It's been almost a month, I think. I doubt I mentioned him here. But he's so adorable. They gave him a bath and Cris brought him in here all damp, and he laid out on my bed like "OMGSAFETY." He's got the most beautiful fucking eyes. Haha. He's just starting to get really lively as opposed to sleeping most of the time.

Hm. I'm hungry.
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)
I don't update anymore, do I? It's terrible. Aze told me I had to -- she threatened me! -- so I'm giving it a shot.

School is normal. Pretty dull. Most days I don't really want to be there, but not in a vehement I-hate-this way. More like just there are better things to do. I skipped school -- like actual skipping, not just oops I woke up late -- for the first time this year. Not a full day, just leaving early. I've done it a few times. Just fourth period, though. Which is Drama on B days and French on A days. It's hard to miss much. I've been kind of tuned out lately. I do all my work, but I fall asleep in class sometimes -- usually only when we aren't doing anything anyway. On progress reports I had a B in english. I hope I've brought it up, but I haven't had much of a chance to. We don't have much actual classwork, we just read and have discussions and I kind of daze off for a lot of those discussions. Meh.

I just finished reading Phantom by Terry Goodkind, the tenth book in the series I've been reading. It's been so long I don't remember a lot of stuff from the first books, but it's still good. Not the best books I've ever read, but really good. He has a great story, but his writing style, while decent, leaves a lot to be desired. All of his characters sound the same, especially when they go into speeches. Then they just sound like him writing prose, basically. Real people don't describe shit like that when they're explaining stuff that's happened. Well, a rare few might, but not every character in the story. It bothers me. And he can be a little preachy too. But oh well, it's worth it in the end.

Work sucks. Like awfully. I want to leave. I don't think I'll be able to stay long after Danny leaves, however that ends up happening. Tomorrow we'll find out. He says either he'll be transferred, fired, or he'll quit. I hope he's transferred, for his sake, because it'll be the best way for him. But once he's gone, I don't want to deal with the bullshit at work anymore. I mean, without Danny, Brandy won't really have many ways to fuck with me anymore (because a part of me really believes she's being a bitch to him because of me and/or to get to me, no matter how self-centered that sounds), but oh she's so awful. And here's my reasoning on that little aside. She never fucked with Danny before we started going out, at least not more than anyone else (which means yes, she fucked with him horribly, but it has increased tenfold since then). She had no problem with Danny and Yuka, just told Yuka if she ever felt like she didn't want to work with Danny or whatever to let her know.

Then I finally got so fed-up with her bullshit that I emailed Rick, and since then, Danny's gotten three write-ups over idiotic things. Other people don't get written up for worse. First write-up didn't really happen, it was just on the word of one complaining customer. I don't remember what the second one was, but the third was on a messy close that couldn't be helped due to fast business, only two people closing, and having to get out by ten. He left a till out of the safe on accident after that and thought for sure he'd be fired. That's still up in the air; we'll find out tomorrow. But Ron has left out all four tills and the deposit bag, and I don't know if he was even written up, though he may well have been.

She's been riding him, and I think it's a way to get to me, knowing that we're together... because it's so much easier to find reasons to get a shift in trouble than a barista. They have so many more responsibilities. I was written up for being under more than five dollars on my till once, but that's really all a barista can be written up for unless she does something fucking ridiculous... and I do my job.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. It's possible. There's just something about her. To your face, she's like, "I don't want to upset anyone, I don't want to cause problems, I could be wrong, blah blah blah." But behind your back she tries to drag drama out of other partners. She gossips. Ugh.

I just want out of there. I don't think I'll even have the patience to find a new job first. Especially if Danny's fired. That would be total bullshit and... I wouldn't walk out, because I'm not dumb, but I'd put in my two weeks on the spot. And probably give them a piece of my mind. At least I hope so. Last time I talked to Brandy I actually got out some things I wanted to say, so hopefully that courage will stay with me. I think it will.

I dunno. I want to work but I don't. If I find a job I actually enjoy, I'll be fine -- I mean, Starbucks was a ton of fun at first. But right now I'd rather just buckle the fuck down, actually write, and make money with it. It wouldn't really work, especially since I'm adamant about at least attempting Writers of the Future first and they're looking for new authors, not published ones.

Whatever.

Things with Danny are going fucking great, I love him so much. I'm still adjusting, getting into the feel of a regular relationship, getting out of the 'this-is-so-new' feeling. Because the new feeling, it still carries certain insecurities, worries, but those are fading. I can see how much he cares about me. At first I felt like I shouldn't call him much or try to see him whenever I get the chance, every day if I can, because it seems so clingy, but I can see he likes it the same as I do. I don't need to worry because we both want to see each other just as much.

It's been about a month and a half. It seems so much longer in some ways. It's amazing.

I could write more if I had more time, but I really should get some sleep. So I'm off to brush my teeth and call Danny... and then sleep.

edit

from a private entry a while back:

And Danny. With him, I really doubt we'll get uber-serious. I'm almost certain we'll sleep together. Haha. I mean... duh. But I don't think I'll be one of his 'real' girlfriends. This is just comfortable fun. We've got stuff in common and we're compatable as far as I can tell... but I doubt anything real will come of it. We'll probably get bored of each other eventually -- one of us will start to get attracted to someone else -- and we'll just end it, probably. No hard feelings, I would think. I guess we'll see.

Lol. That's so fucking ironic in retrospect, because it's so serious. Maybe that relaxed attitude approaching it helped, I dunno, because it just kind of... happened. Man I love him. I love my life. =P
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] we were innocent)
Okaaay so. I think I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know people at all, because there's a lot of stuff I don't get. I mean, there are things I can understand when I put it together in my head later, thinking, but other people just know it right away because of intuition. But it feels good to me to figure it out later. I'm learning.

I'm so clueless, lol. I'm not gonna go into it now because my brother's rattling off movie titles in my ear. But Yuka and I worked things out. And people are weird about relationships. When I break up with someone or let go or whatever, it's just gone. I don't get jealous if a friend wants to go out with my ex. I mean, Travis and Alicia, hello. I think Alicia expects me to have lingering feelings, but I don't. Maybe it's because I've never had a bad breakup. I've never been broken up with (not that that was the case with Danny, but whatever), and I've never had a bad breakup mutually or with me ending the relationship. I like to keep things simple.

Maybe I'm really, really selfish, lol. It's either that or realistic, and of course I'd prefer the latter, but whatever. I remember when my friendship with Cassie went sour. I don't know, it's not that big a deal. I'm of the opinion that if a friendship isn't good for you, it's okay if it kind of fades or even ends abruptly, because you'll probably be better off, and so will the other person involved. That doesn't mean you should be a bad friend or do stupid shit, but if you grow apart and find you've developed irreconcilable differences... oh well.

Or maybe. Not. Because the thing with Keith never sat well with me. It's more like if I recognize that someone isn't the sort of friend I need. That's why it sounds selfish. I mean, I try my damnedest to be a good friend, but there are some things that are just my character that I'm not going to change. Not a lot of things, because if I know it's bad character on my part, then I'm gonna try to change. But there are some things that just don't fit between people, and it's nothing wrong with either of them. It just doesn't work.

Thank god I'm not actually in a situation like that, I've just been thinking about it. I overthink a lot. I told Danny I do it too.
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Have a happy Thanksgiving all. =) I'm so glad I stayed with my family for turkey day.

I haven't updated much. It's just... I can't. Haha. I dunno, life is good, in an odd chaotic sort of way. I'm really confused, but I've always liked the chaos of figuring things out, even if it can drive me out of my head sometimes. I'm working on my issues right now. And no matter how many people I'm having problems with, I still have other loved ones who're there for me, supporting and caring. So I have a ton to be grateful for today.

Family, new friends, growing, changing, learning, school friends, working out problems with all friends, even sometimes not working them out, because it all works out for the best in the end.

And most of all, life.

I love life.
karriezai: ([kh] hero / anti-hero)
I dunno what's up, but I've been having a horrible time the last few days. I mean... not like I'm completely miserable all the time, but I've never had so much bad stuff happen to me so close together. I just never was that person -- I've always had a charmed life. I guess it's gotta break sometime.

Friday I overslept and missed school. I could have gone in time for second period, but it was raining, and I didn't want to walk to metro unless I had to. I probably already talked about that here, so yeah.

Yesterday I was really late to work for the first time. I didn't think I worked at all. She called me fifteen minutes after I was supposed to have gotten there, and by the time I made it in, I was an hour late. As if I don't have few enough hours these days... I felt so horrible because it was completely my mistake, I'd been thinking it was still last week. I had the right times written down in my agenda, I just had last week's times in my head. But the bright side here: it was really slow at work, so it didn't really cause a problem, just made me feel bad.

And today I was a stupid idiot and left my bag in the gym when we went outside to walk laps. Coach even told us to bring our valuables, but I thought, who leaves their valuables in their bag besides me? Who'd even check? I got back and my bag was gone.

Well, we found the bag eventually. One of the guys found it in the boys' locker room. But my cell phone was gone, as was the money in my wallet, my debit card, and my smart trip. And my mp3 player. We cancelled the debit card and phone, so frankly what worries me most is the mp3 player, because there's no way I'm getting that back. I only had $2 on my smart trip, plus a $33 paper card, but I didn't have to pay for them, and neither did anyone in my family. I imagine there's some kind of insurance on my phone... and I'll get a new debit card mailed to me free of charge. Though I do need to go make sure it wasn't used before the cancellation went through.

It was a stupid mistake, but I guess I had to have my trust broken at some point. It's hard to believe someone would just walk off with my bag and steal everything out of it. The way I'm feeling now, I realize just how naive I am, because I know -- theoretically -- that there are bad people out there, but it just seems so... impossible. How can you just take what isn't yours? Something that big, something that could seriously fuck stuff up for someone?

Central has the worst security, though. The only advice the guards could offer was to suspend my cell phone's service. I mean, I understand you can't search the whole school for the kid who stole it. Yuka doubts they were even there anymore. But honestly, the number of kids just wandering the hallways in the middle of class is ridiculous. Shouldn't the school keep an eye out for that? Make sure the kids go to class?

It's particularly irritating because of uniforms. I have such mixed feelings about uniforms. The point is to reduce theft and violence and shit like that, but uniforms just started this week, and this is the first time I've ever been stolen from. It isn't that we need uniforms, it's that the school needs to get off its ass and actually patrol the hallways.

God, uniforms. Central went about them entirely the wrong way. The Supreme Court hasn't set a standard yet. But from what reading I've been doing, I can see that in other schools with uniforms there are at least one of three things: a parental opt-out policy, a chance for kids who don't want uniforms to go to another school, and/or financial aid. Especially the latter. And uniforms aren't supposed to be that expensive, based on the sums I've seen. But not only does Central not offer any of these options, the uniforms it tried to force us to buy at first were crazy expensive. It's illegal to do that, too -- force the kids to buy their uniforms from one company, no financial aid at all, just you have to do this. Only recently did the school start saying no, you don't have to buy from this one company, just get the right color and style. It reeks of wrongness.

I hate these uniforms on principle. I didn't buy the ridiculous ones they insisted on at first. We went out and got the right color and style, and I actually like what we found, surprisingly. So it's not that I have a problem wearing them on that level. It's just so wrong to force uniformity on kids, to insist on squashing individuality and self-expression. And another part of me says that there are other ways to express yourself. And there are places in the world where uniforms are the norm, not even questioned. It's such a can of worms.

The initial guidelines were so ridiculously strict. They were absolutely designed to smother expression of self in your appearance. But they can't enforce such strict guidelines, I doubt they'll even try, seeing the start they've gotten off to.

I want to rebel, but at the same time, I fought to get into this school. I can fight to make it better, yes, but up to what point? I can't get suspended or expelled. I wanted this school. And yes, this fight is a part of it. So is getting stolen from, apparently; now I know better than to be so trusting. Never leave my shit lying around. I needed to learn that, obviously.

So there are things I will do. I will research, I will put together information... and I'll dye my hair crazy colors, and I'll wear pins on my clothing, and I'll do whatever other crazy shit I can manage while still wearing the uniforms they demanded.

It's depressing to look around and see everyone dressed the same. In the mornings, everywhere it's khaki pants. The shirts aren't so bad; kids wear jackets and overshirts, not to mention backpacks, to school. Whatever.

The ID annoyed me enough. But I decided if the teachers have to wear it, I can be mature enough to wear mine too. That's fine. But teachers don't have to wear uniforms. It's ironic on so many levels. Teachers can work somewhere else; most of these kids have no choice in where they go to school. But I did. But I'm still the one putting up a fuss.

I don't want to be the one who doesn't speak up against these things. I shouldn't take so much shit from Brandy, but most of the time I do. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should half the time. I'm very easy going, I'm only now beginning to realize how much so. I don't get riled easily. I wasn't even all that upset about getting stolen from. Dumbfounded, certainly. And I cried a little on the phone talking to mom, but I think that was mostly confronting her with this stupid thing that happened. And it was only a little.

Insanity.

Happier things. I finished Mistborn, and oh man that guy's good. When he commented on my journal, I was absolutely stunned... and after a moment, I realized that a part of my mind was thinking of him as Kelsier the character, not Brandon Sanderson the author. But that's beside the point. It's great that he's that active with his fans, he can just stumble across one of them and spare time to say hello or offer some friendly advice. That is absolutely the way I want to be ifwhen I get published. Not to mention that good. I'm sad to have finished, but ecstatic to know what happened. The book seems so complete, with only one fairly clear thread that could run into another book (that I noticed), that it's hard to believe the bit on the jacket flap about this book being the first in a trilogy... but I look forward to it.

I could just ramble about it, but it's best not to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't read it. (Not that anyone reads my journal, random passersby notwithstanding.)

Obviously I need to finish writing my own. I kind of stopped to start reading again. Most of the time, writing and reading don't go that well together for me, not if the book I'm reading is very good. I'd rather spend extra moments absorbing the book, getting closer to the finish, than writing. Haha. But that's it, I'm out of books for a time, at least ones that truly strike me -- there are others I could read, but they wouldn't be the can't-put-me-down sort of books.

Egan's birthday was yesterday, ahh. He's so adorable. Said he felt like a little kid when he got the knives I sent him. I'm glad. It makes me smile thinking of it. I didn't get to talk to him much, but hey, every minute's worth it.

Why are goodbyes the best? Hugs at the end of the night, goodbyes at the end of a conversation. Even the great goodbye when he left for Seattle led to something... perfect.

I love him. Still feels a little odd.

I remember when it was new, and I got the impression that once you make a promise with him, you keep it. I made a promise... and it was delayed, I didn't get to it until he was already gone, but I did it. And I reminded him. And he admitted that he hadn't expected me to keep that particular one. But I think he remembers it, and knows that if we make a promise, I know to keep it.

We promised last night that in three years, we would drop everything (after sufficient preparation, of course) and spend one year living in the wild, just on survival skills and the like. At first I was a little hesitant. I hate camping with my parents, haha. But then I think of it from a different view, the view that directly or indirectly moves almost every single thing in my life: the view of a writer. It would be such a great thing to experience, just to know what it's like. And I want to learn things like archery and the like -- what better time to learn?

There's this thing about choosing to do something of your own volition. I hate camping with my parents for various reasons, most particularly the lack of showering and sleeping in a tent (I hate the feeling of waking up in a tent), but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Choosing to do it on my own is something entirely different. Maybe there's a bit of pride in it... most likely, actually.

I suppose I've made this long enough. I make entries far too long sometimes.

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karriezai

March 2011

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