karriezai: ([avatar] halp!)
So I'm having trouble with myself.

Danny's becoming really good friends with a girl he works with, a girl I could also be really good friends with, but for some reason it won't stop bothering me. I trust him, but it still won't stop bothering me, and I don't completely understand why. I get aspects of it... so let me go into it.

Help me stop freaking out please?

The situation. )
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] headfirst into darkness)
I'm writing! Today at least, no telling how long it'll last. But I'm working on rewriting Blood and Heat. I'm doing it with paper and pen.

Work still sucks. I'm scheduled as a double for UFC. If I end up needing to stay, it'll be 15 hours. Blah.

Loving the crap out of Danny. There are the little things, like in any relationship, but when it comes down to it... I get this super warm, fuzzy, hardly believing feeling whenever I think about the fact that he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I need more friends.
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Oh my god it's finally over. I came home from school yesterday with Danny and found this dry-erase board with calculations on it. One side was Guilford, one side was Maryland, one year for each. According to my parents' calculations, Maryland was $12,000 without books and Guilford was $11,000, $8,000 if I got the Honors scholarship. (All this is approximate, of course.) But I looked at it and went, "Their calculations are wrong." So I pulled out my financial aid info from Guilford. My parents said they didn't have the Guilford financial aid info to look at, and that's true, but my mom's the one who opened my mail when I first got it, so she saw it too. Anyway, they were counting work study twice and counting a loan as a scholarship. (I get the same loan at Maryland.) So, corrected calculations have Maryland at about $12,000 and Guilford at about $14,000 (including the possible Honors scholarship). Plus, Maryland's cost includes books and Guilford's doesn't. At least, according to the website. Mom says the financial adviser they talked to put the cost at $17,000 without books, but uh, still cheaper than Guilford so what do I care?

So I'm gonna be a Terp! God I'm ecstatic. It feels so great to have that stress off my shoulders. It solves so many problems.

So yeah, I'm happy.

Then there's that shooting at Virginia Tech. It's a horrible thing, but it feels distant to me, like yeah I know it's horrible but it doesn't really have anything to do with me. I don't know anyone there. After looking at the crime ratings for colleges, the first thing I thought when I saw it on the news (back when it was one dead and nine injured) was "Their crime statistics are fucked." Which is kind of insensitive. I felt bad when Danny picked me up and was checking on friends he has at Virginia Tech (who were all okay, by the way).

Watched this movie called Idiocracy with Luke Wilson in it... and it was absolutely retarded, but in the right way. It was actually really funny. It was about this guy who got put into suspended animation (basically) and wakes up 500 years later... but evolution took a wrong turn, and mankind got incredibly retarded, until this really average guy from our day is the smartest man on earth in the future. Like I said, it was dumb as fuck, but really funny.

And ah, I had the best talk with Danny last night. We both feel the same way about each other, we're such a great match. It started because he was talking about an ex, and he called her by name, which felt weird. I told him so -- it felt weird, not necessarily bad, but very weird -- and he said he knows, he doesn't like hearing me talk about my exes. And this picture I drew for an ex of mine, Tim... it's the best picture I've ever drawn, I think, and it's one of the ones I sent him in an email, and he said when he saw it he couldn't think about how good the art was because the first thing he saw was that it was obvious I drew it for another guy.

It's a weird thing. I don't get why so many people (including me) are like that -- they feel awkward hearing about their lover's exes no matter how close their relationship is now.

He also said even though he trusts me completely, he's worried I'll go off to college and find someone better... like I'm above him, and I'll realize that and go for some talented college guy. I told him he doesn't ever have to worry about that, because there's no one better than him. But I'm glad to know I don't have to feel stupid for the occasional jealous or worried twinge that I know is absolutely moronic and immediately dismiss. Because I trust him completely, too.

And hearing him talk about us a year from now or more... and how he wants to still be together when we're fifty-something and have me wake him up "that special way we talked about"... I absolutely love hearing it because I feel the same way. Which reminds me of something else he said. He said some people just have to be reassured (he used Yuka as an example, said she'll be friends with anyone who'll tell her she's pretty all the time) and said he's like that in that he likes to be reminded that he's the only one for me. I guess I'm the same after a fashion, except I don't have to be told... but I adore the little ways he shows it. I can see how much he cares and that's a huge part of what attracts me to him. It's something I was thinking about a while back: I think sometimes the way someone loves you makes you love them even more, and vice versa, so it's kind of a cycle or whatever.

We haven't fought yet. There have been moments that could have become fights, but we didn't let it get that far, I guess. He said he's not looking forward to the first fight. I guess I'm not either, but I'm not worried. I've never fought much with anyone. It depends on the person, I guess. Like obviously I've fought with my parents. And Alicia and I have had arguments. But I never fought with Bianca or Lisa or Ash. Granted, I was never close, see-you-all-the-time friends with any of them for more than a year or so. Obviously fights will happen, I just don't think it'll be an issue. After a fight, I think about it, calm down, reason it out, and try to see where I'm wrong. I mean, prime example: Alicia and I have always made up after fights, haha.

Eh. Anyway. I love the guy. He joked he'd marry me if I bought a Corvette, and when I said no way, he said I should have been crafty and bought a toy Corvette. (I might smell another anniversary present, lol.)

Okay, I was supposed to correct my scholarship essay and I only have twenty minutes left now, way to go me. Blah.
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] we were innocent)
Okaaay so. I think I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know people at all, because there's a lot of stuff I don't get. I mean, there are things I can understand when I put it together in my head later, thinking, but other people just know it right away because of intuition. But it feels good to me to figure it out later. I'm learning.

I'm so clueless, lol. I'm not gonna go into it now because my brother's rattling off movie titles in my ear. But Yuka and I worked things out. And people are weird about relationships. When I break up with someone or let go or whatever, it's just gone. I don't get jealous if a friend wants to go out with my ex. I mean, Travis and Alicia, hello. I think Alicia expects me to have lingering feelings, but I don't. Maybe it's because I've never had a bad breakup. I've never been broken up with (not that that was the case with Danny, but whatever), and I've never had a bad breakup mutually or with me ending the relationship. I like to keep things simple.

Maybe I'm really, really selfish, lol. It's either that or realistic, and of course I'd prefer the latter, but whatever. I remember when my friendship with Cassie went sour. I don't know, it's not that big a deal. I'm of the opinion that if a friendship isn't good for you, it's okay if it kind of fades or even ends abruptly, because you'll probably be better off, and so will the other person involved. That doesn't mean you should be a bad friend or do stupid shit, but if you grow apart and find you've developed irreconcilable differences... oh well.

Or maybe. Not. Because the thing with Keith never sat well with me. It's more like if I recognize that someone isn't the sort of friend I need. That's why it sounds selfish. I mean, I try my damnedest to be a good friend, but there are some things that are just my character that I'm not going to change. Not a lot of things, because if I know it's bad character on my part, then I'm gonna try to change. But there are some things that just don't fit between people, and it's nothing wrong with either of them. It just doesn't work.

Thank god I'm not actually in a situation like that, I've just been thinking about it. I overthink a lot. I told Danny I do it too.
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Have a happy Thanksgiving all. =) I'm so glad I stayed with my family for turkey day.

I haven't updated much. It's just... I can't. Haha. I dunno, life is good, in an odd chaotic sort of way. I'm really confused, but I've always liked the chaos of figuring things out, even if it can drive me out of my head sometimes. I'm working on my issues right now. And no matter how many people I'm having problems with, I still have other loved ones who're there for me, supporting and caring. So I have a ton to be grateful for today.

Family, new friends, growing, changing, learning, school friends, working out problems with all friends, even sometimes not working them out, because it all works out for the best in the end.

And most of all, life.

I love life.
karriezai: ([misc] life's a bitch)
I'm so annoyed lately. Annoyed with Central over uniforms especially but also various other little things. Annoyed with my friends for... stuff. Annoyed with myself for not buckling down and doing things like nano and college scheisse. Yet I'm getting to be better friends with Danny where before there was something about him I didn't really like, something that didn't sit right. But I never talked to him one-on-one a lot. That's what happens when you get all your info second-hand, I guess.

I don't really want to go into it all, though. I wanna shower and watch some TV and go to sleep. I just figured... I haven't updated in a long time. So there it is.
karriezai: ([hp] [drarry] draco dormiens)
Woohoo.

School was nice today. I finished my LSN homework in first period. Very few people did anything to dress up for Halloween, but I wore a cloak and had Yuka write Happy Halloween on my face. In second period, I sharpied Bpaaki's name and Happy Halloween for Ms Burrell because I was bored (makeup work period). At some point in the hallways, Girard saw me and said randomly, "You know Darrell likes you?" No clue if I'm spelling his name right, but um, yeah. He's a cool kid. I see him at lunch sometimes, and he's in martial arts, always great to hear... I had lunch with him today -- and Jade and Tony -- and had general mayhem fun. I tossed little fruit gummies into Darrell's hood and gave them all a little bit of my cookies. God I love those Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Jade was saying she could pick me up and use me as a weapon against Tony. Apparently I'm very aerodynamic.

Third period Dr Moore gave everyone candy, and man, she doesn't skimp. She gives regular sized candy, not the little Halloween-sized stuff you pass out at the door. The principal was in class, haha, I dunno why, but at the end of class everyone not following uniform code (including me) had to sign our names and grade levels to a sheet of paper for him. It's funny because yesterday he stopped me in the hallway to ask me if I was a Team Success certificate winner and didn't even notice I wasn't in proper uniform, or at least didn't say anything.

Drama I'm in a group with Girard and Coy. They're video gamers, and apparently I'm almost cool enough to be in their little group because I like Zelda and Kingdom Hearts. I was discussing Zelda with Girard and Coy and I were defending our love of Kingdom Hearts. (Our defense: clearly you didn't have a proper childhood, man. It's Disney.) I harrass everybody, and at one point I went and sat on James' lap to harrass him, and when I got back Girard lectured me on the female equivalent of cockblocking (pussyblocking?). I was like, "Uh..." But when I looked, he was right, the girl in James' group was flirting with him. Oopsies.

Talked to Kim on the way home, and she has a crush. I love it. I'm not going to put who it is here -- I highly doubt anyone who cares will read this, but you know, there's that chance and she doesn't want the whole school knowing -- but I was like... aw, crushes are horrible awful lovely little things.

Ha.

I think Cris and I have claimed the black cat that comes by our house for food now. (S)he is skittish, but not nearly as bad as most strays, probably domesticated before. Dad doesn't mind us feeding it, so we've been giving it milk and tuna and today I gave it chicken soup. I dunno its gender. Cris and I are thinking of naming it, but we aren't sure. We'd have to find out the gender first. So far we have Onyx for a boy and Guenhwyvar for a girl. Drizzt calls Guen 'it', but seems like a girl's name to me, probably because of Guineveire... but yeah. We're still considering other names.

It reminds me of Ebony/Leroy in Florida. Looks pretty much identical to him. I miss having a pet. =( We're such deprived children when it comes to pets, lol.
Tags:
karriezai: ([house] oops)
Oh man, I feel bad. Romeo read my post, and it was meaner than I thought when I reread it. I mean, he's a nice kid and I know that, and I picked him for my partner because I knew he'd care enough to contribute to the project at all. Both of us being absent last Tuesday just made things harder, it was all a little last minute. I should have just spoken up sooner or something. He apologized and gave me chocolate, and it was so sweet, I feel awful for making him feel bad. =(

Ahhh. I had fun today though. First of all, for all the circumstances that surrounded the project, it went spiffingly. Dr. Moore read our paper and gave it a 100, she liked it very much. She liked the poster as well, and Romeo did a great job pasting it all together, it looks very nice.

Then I went out with Yuka. We met Adam at Dupont Circle and had the best time -- we hung out with Jason at Fatty's for a while, then we went to this restaurant called the California Pizza Kitchen for something to eat. We debated patriotism and the flaws and advantages of America, which was terrific, I love debate. Yuka and Adam were all anti-patriotism even though they agree America is a great country to live in and all that, they just don't agree with a lot of stuff here. I sided with patriotism but pointed out that I agree with them on most of the stuff they disapprove of in America; I'm just defining patriotism differently. I support America and I would defend it if it was attacked, but I acknowledge its flaws and the fact that we must work to improve them. I certainly don't agree with a lot of things about my country, but I still love it. They're decidedly more anti-Bush than me considering I'm not political to begin with and I think Bush was at least a better choice than Kerry, even though last election just sucked.

Then we went to the gay bookstore, and I got three pins and a bracelet, and I really look like a lesbian now but wtfever, haha. I liked the bracelet.

And we taught Adam proper boob- and ass-groping methods. He was just appreciative of the action -- 'the only action' he can get. (Same for me, haha, I miss my Egan.)

Yuka and I half-flirted with this guy on the metro just for the hell of it (it was really an accident), and... god we have the most fun together. We talked about going to college together and getting an apartment together, and it's going to be the most fun ever. The plan is to get an apartment together and go to College Park for two years, then take a year-long break (during which time I'll spend a year with Egan, taking a break from the world really, learning to survive just off nature), then go back to college for however long.

Ohhh it's gonna be fun.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] my lover)
I have free time and I'm not sick. I mean, I have the mildest throat tickle thing going on, but I'm not actually sick anymore. I finished my project for school... with Romeo. The original deal was that I would write the paper (five pages, ten sources in the bibliography) and he would put together the poster, which I thought was more than fair. But then he said, "Why don't we work on the poster together during lunch on Monday?" So I spent about five hours researching and writing the damn paper Sunday, and then I printed out the pictures he found for the poster (and used up all my dad's expensive ink). I had bought the poster already on Saturday, so I had to carry it to school -- literally, the bus didn't go down on Reading Terrace this morning so I had to walk up to the metro with this posterboard and my binder and backpack, catch the train to Addison Road, and then walk up to the school. Then I missed lunch to work on the project with him.

Okay so in all, I contributed the five-page paper and all research necessary to write it, the poster board, the paper and ink and time to print the pictures... I titled the board and wrote the captions for all the pictures. Romeo found the pictures online, cut them out, bought a glue stick for a quarter, and pasted them on. And, presumably, took the poster to class. I dunno since I left when third period started and he was still working.

I'm irritated, but at the same time I don't think I trust what might have resulted if I hadn't put in this much work, if I'd just told him "I wrote the paper, you do the rest." Life isn't fair I guess, if you want a decent project you have to put in the work necessary to make it as nice as you want it to be.

I had fun in gym though. My spanish kids are great. Tomas was asking me what 'itchy' and 'brothel' mean. I swear the only english Jelver knows is 'eighteen' and 'masturbation'. I think the second one is mine and Yuka's fault. Anyway, since I have my replacement cell now, I've been taking pictures of friends again, and I have this nice sequence of events showing how the guys tackled an unwilling Tomas so I could get a picture of him. After that I guess he decided I'd already stolen his soul and couldn't do any more harm, because he posed for a final picture.

Derrick refused to let me take his picture and wiggled my number out of me by promising to send me one of him. Haha.

I love my picture of Chris at school, he looks so... "but that was my lunch money!" with the sadface.

I'm still making straight As, it appears. I was worried in precalc since I had the only A in class and I missed a couple days -- I didn't know if I was missing any assignments that might drag my grade down. But I have a 97. Grading period ends Wednesday, although according to Mike we don't get report cards for three weeks (what shit is that?).

I suppose that's all, but I miss my Yukanana, waaaaaaaa.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
As much as I hate to do it... I have to start friend-locking some of my entries. I'm a very open person, with everyone, and it doesn't bother me to leave my entries public -- except my dad fucking stalks me on the internet. He'll find one of my online journals and start shit based on entries I've written, some of them from months ago. I'm very open with him, extremely open; I don't know anyone else as open with their parents as I am. But there are some things I just can't talk to him about, mostly concerning his faults, because he gets irrational when angry and the stupidest shit can piss him off.

With anyone else, I'm perfectly willing to own up to whatever I write should they find it. I'm willing to discuss it, whatever. But it just doesn't work with my dad.

This also means I'll probably be splitting up what ordinarily would be a single post a lot of the time, because I don't want to f-lock everything, just the stuff I don't want to bother with my dad about.

Like this:

Yuka put me into a very precarious situation today. I didn't stop it, so I'm very much at fault, but Yuka initiated it. I'll deal with it. Perhaps I needed it; my boundaries are looser than hers, and I know I've pushed hers a little from time to time. But at lunch she told Brandon to feel my boobs the same way she did Danny... then she felt them under the bra (I don't mind it from her, it just makes me laugh) and moved his hand under my shirt... yeah, it pushed my boundaries a little. I don't know him all that well. He's a nice guy, but I just don't know him that well, and just as important he doesn't know me that well... so naturally a misunderstanding arose. In precalculus, he came over and sat with his arm around me a couple times, and then kissed my neck... and asked if I had a boyfriend. I told him sort of... and he said, "Now you do."

But I dunno, he left after that, I'm not sure quite how deep in I am. Like I said, I'll sort it out.

And I worry that people may begin to think of me as being loose. Ordinarily I wouldn't care what people think, but this school isn't the safest of places, and guys could misunderstand -- I don't want to get myself hurt. I'm not worried about Brandon, he's a cool kid. But there are others.

God I'm hormonal. I love flirting (although I'm an equal opportunity flirt, and that often includes girls). But I have my limits. I so want to be kissed and all that business, but I want Egan.

A lot of these guys, I'd crush on them if I didn't already have feelings for someone. It's weird to think about. To know that and still... love Egan. God though, I'm physical, I miss that contact horribly. It's the hardest part.
karriezai: (Default)
Yuka's indecision with Danny is driving me a little bit up the wall.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe she's being crafty and making him think of us both as friends by having him feel my boobs. I'm sure that sounds very, very odd. But Yuka and I feel up each other's boobs all the time. We're that comfy with each other... and admittedly, part of it is show. We have fun making jaws drop. It isn't just that -- we're just as comfy playing around together like that when we're just walking home from metro alone or whatever -- but it is fun.

And I'll harrass anybody who's open to it, though, not just Yuka. Haha.

Anyway, she's so on and off with Danny, she likes Andy better, Danny can't kiss, Danny can't grope... yet everytime they hang out together she shows up with new hickeys and new stories, and suddenly he's groping her boobs and then we're arguing over whose boobs are bigger and she's having him grope mine. I don't mind that, actually, I just wish she'd make up her mind. She's worried that since he's coming to work with us it'd be awkward... ha.

She has a way of making me doubt. I guess because she grew up with her brother, so she should know him right? But my insincts have been right, by and far. Not about everything, of course. That would just fill my head with hot air. (I almost said hair.) But enough.

And oh I feel bad. The knives I got him, Seth (his roommate) hurt himself really badly on them. Like he needs surgery badly. Like he needs surgery or his middle finger won't bend anymore badly.

Yeah.

They're struggling enough, now paying for surgery? That's the worst part. It sounded scary.

Two entries in one day. Oh joy.

I'm watching Nip/Tuck, and wtf, Sean's going fucking crazy. This show is the most insane show on tv. And the reviews are absolutely right -- the best made guilty pleasure on TV. Haha.

I'm going to keep writing. I can already see revisions that need to be made, a lot of them major, but I'm just going to write them in my travel-sized black book... ahaha. Didn't realize I'd picked out such a perfect pair.

I suppose that's it.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥
karriezai: ([me] [cell] eyeliner)
So it seems I can never stick with a journal, but there it is. This name has been whispering at me for months. When I was [livejournal.com profile] keptclose, I kept trying to log in as keptawake... and I've always liked it. Maybe it'll stick. Maybe I'll pay for it and be too lazy to go through the trouble of cancelling payments and going to another journal. Perhaps.

I thought about just updating on myspace, but that doesn't appeal to me. Livejournal is made for my kind of updates, not myspace. Myspace is made for picspam and surveys. Ha.

It's one in the morning and I'm tired. I'm watching Highlander with Cris, and when I was little it was cool, but now it's just old and fake.

God the field trip today was fun. I've got some freaky-deek classmates (and it's funny I'm saying this when Yuka and I were probably the craziest ones there). I love classmates like that. They're all my best friends. x] I've been texting back and forth with Robert, and we may do something this (three-day!) weekend. Given the time, of course.

I want all the pictures from the field trip. There were some amazing ones. I can harrass Leston for his, but I don't really know the person who had the other camera.

I might go into detail if I wasn't braindead. Buuuut I am. So I guess that's it.