23/7/10 03:16
karriezai: ([kh] [akuroku] sticks totally gay for)

This is long. I'll edit some lj-cuts in tomorrow but for now...

Today was hard. They put Hobbes down today. Everyone took it hard. I even cried for her a little -- I knew I would cry with so many heartbroken people around me, but I didn't expect to cry for her when I never really liked her much. She just seemed a little snobby or high-strung. I don't tell Danny this of course. But it's true. I've found that I like dogs. I even played with Sean today and it was terrific. But Hobbes' personality just never suited me. In fact it turned me away. (I really hope and believe that it wasn't jealousy, though I felt that occasionally too since I know how much Danny loved her.)

Anyway, it was so hard to see it happen and think about them having to make that decision to let her go when she was still lucid. She wasn't eating or drinking and she often fell and couldn't get up, but she still walked around and was interested in people and went outside to use the bathroom. They wanted her to suffer as little as possible but it's still so hard to think that they have to make the decision to put her down when there's no real way of knowing her feelings on the subject.

And it was surprisingly painful to see her limp in Sue's arms. Harder to see Sue sobbing over her, but hard to see her gone as well.

I love this family though. There is so much love. So many people came to comfort us. Neighbors and relatives alike.

Sue has taken it so hard. It's hard to see her sobbing in moments without distraction. She drank a lot, tripped and fell, and I just felt terrible because there's nothing I can do. And she probably needs some alone time to cry herself out but it seems wrong to leave her alone.

It was so peaceful though. They couldn't have done it better. The vet came out here, sedated her, then did the tourniquet and shaving and injection. There was no pain for Hobbes and no fear like at the vet. Just confusion and worry for her sad family, which is understandable.

Danny and I drank and played Magic and tried a little generic vicodin at the end of the night tonight, and then I talked to him about our different styles of expressing our love... I'm chatty on vicodin apparently, but I meant what I said and I hope to continue the conversation tomorrow. I think it will help clear some things up. Unfortunately, it can't do everything. I can't expect him to suddenly develop more sensitivity to the little things I want from him. But I'm sure he feels the same way about me when it comes to certain expressions of intimacy, so it's something we'll have to communicate and work through with time.

karriezai: ([asoiaf] life's not a song)
I made $10 at work yesterday. There were only three of us on the floor. I would have made $25 or so but I had to pay for the new uniform for inauguration, which wasn't supposed to start until today anyway. Plus food, but that was only two bucks.

So yeah, suck. Other stuff but I don't think I'll go into it just yet.

What I was thinking today is how my family doesn't call me. I haven't called them in a while and I was thinking about doing it but then I realized... Hey wait. Why don't they call me? How often did they ever call me? They'd call me back most of the time if I called and they didn't answer. And they'd call me if shit was going down, like something to do with my college or whatever. Hell, once I tried to call them and couldn't reach them because my brother was in the hospital and no one bothered to tell me.

So I guess it isn't just me. I never used to get homesick but I guess it's not just on my end. I don't know. Maybe I never belonged.

At least Danny's family has a place for me. I love him and his whole family.
karriezai: ([kh] [axel] nobody noheart nosoul)

The front car in the accident yesterday called USAA to file a claim, but so far the woman in the middle car hasn't called and no one's been able to reach her. Which is fine with me, the guy's damage was super minimal. Apparently it was like the screws on her front license plate scraped his paint up some, which he only called for because his car's pretty brand new.

And um.

My parents called to tell me that next year they won't be able to take out any more loans for my college. They'll keep up with the ones they already have, but that's all.

Which, I mean, will probably be manageable. I won't be in the dorms anymore, so my costs will be drastically reduced. My financial aid will probably go up since my mom went from making $26/hr to making $10/hr between tax periods. I'll try to be more serious about looking into scholarships... since I have good grades in college, I may be able to find something. Tuition and fees without room and board (but including things like the gym and such) is currently at about $4000 a semester, $8000 a year. I have a $5000 a year scholarship. Not bad. I think I can handle $3000 a year in student loans just paying interest. I may even spring for a meal plan, I'm not sure. I'll talk to some financial advisors at school and see what they say.

But it sucks. )
karriezai: ([house] oops)
God. I got into a fender bender today on the way home from work. Traffic was stopping ahead of me and my car just couldn't stop fast enough... without fishtailing, at least. And if the two options were fishtailing into the traffic to one side or hitting the bumper of the car ahead of me, I chose the bumper. So I let off the brake enough to stop my rear tires from sliding out, and then I hit the car ahead of me. Which hit the car ahead of it x_X; The three of us pulled off into a parking lot and exchanged information. They were actually very nice about it. I felt like an idiot. Especially since I only had a coat over my Hooters outfit... But it wasn't too bad. My car the tank was hardly damaged at all, just a bit of scratched paint and a crooked license plate. If I washed my car it'd probably look even less damaged since it's just plain dirty. The woman ahead of me had a '97 Toyota Corolla and the bumper was just banged up pretty good, no damage other than that. The guy ahead of her had close to zero damage, just a tiny bit of paint scratching, which is good since his was by far the nicest car in the accident.

I dreaded telling Danny most of all because he already complains that I can't drive. But I told my parents and his parents. And his parents are trying to help however they can. They wanted to contact the woman to offer to just let me pay for the damage rather than involving insurance, but she didn't give me her number with all her other info and she's unlisted. But Danny's dad thinks she may not even bother with repairing her bumper when her car's so old anyway. I'm not so sure since she said she'd been in an accident recently and knew exactly what information to exchange and such, which I took to mean she filed the claim and had it all sorted out already (before I just went ahead and probably ruined her holidays, poor woman).

I want a safer car and better driving skills D: Anti-lock brakes would make my life.

Work was hectic as hell and not terribly fun between training two new girls, getting the floor reduced and way more tables than I was anticipating all of a sudden, and getting sat with a twelve-top of, you know, not the kind of big party you really hope for about 10 minutes before jumpstart for the evening girls. But I made $120. And I had been planning to give my initial trainee some of the tips, especially since one of the customers tipped extra expressly because there were two of us, but then I got saddled with two trainees at once and I didn't want to tip one without tipping the other, I didn't want to just give them ten bucks each when I'd been planning to give the one $20, and I certainly didn't want to give up $40 of my tips. So maybe the car thing was just karma? I'm thinking about going in tomorrow for her first real shift and sitting with her so I can tip her very well. I have a lot of stuff to do, I might as well include that, right?
karriezai: ([lolcat] mine plzkthx)
Now on to a weekend of work. Blah. Danny had to get up at 5 this morning to get to work, where I don't work until 4:30 and won't get off until like 1:30. Then tomorrow he opens again (though not as early) and I close again (and probably stay later, it's UFC). Sunday morning I work the early shift. Danny may or may not work, but if he does work, he'll be home probably by seven at the latest, not much later than me.

But Christmas was fun! I was tired the whole day from not sleeping enough, but the family, food, and celebration was awesome. Danny got me namebrand Ugg boots. I suspected he was either getting me boots or a Redskins jersey but I didn't expect he'd spend so much on super nice boots. They're furry and soft on the inside. I just wish my feet weren't so huge, I think they'd look better on me if I had small feet. But Danny loves them and they're super comfy. I just have to figure out how to take care of them properly because apparently Danny got all sorts of take-care-of-them stuff.

I also got skinny leg jeans to go with the boots, and flare jeans just to wear so I have more pants that fit, and makeup stuff in my stocking (along with blessed gum and chapstick), and a Redskins scarf, and a Bally resistance band-slash-rowing type thing which I'm going to give an honest try to see if it'll work as a substitute for an at home rowing machine as long as I'm still going to the gym regularly. And of course gift cards and such. It's amazing how Danny's family does more for me at Christmas than my own. My grandmother sent me a $25 check, but that's it for my family. I sent them all presents (except Cris still hasn't picked his yet). Danny's family who we didn't get presents and who I couldn't even convince him to get a card for, though, got us giftcards and such.

Of course my parents are going through a tight time financially so I understand it. It's just very ironic. I just feel very lucky to have a second family that loves me so much. And feeds me so well. x)

ETA: Oh yeah, final grades all went up for me. Four As, two Bs, 3.647. Woohoo!
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] blindfolded)
So I was afraid I'd lose my job today at work. I went to the image class meeting assuming, hey, there are forty of us, someone will be able to cover my shift for me this morning. But no one could. Jordan had me call Margaret (he wanted me to tell her I was disappointed that she didn't handle it better finding me coverage) but she just said that if someone would work a double for me she'd try to let them go home before the Cowboys game tonight. In the end, since there were six of us scheduled, Jordan said if all of us showed up he'd let me go home and run a five floor.

So I stayed to wait. Not that I would have worked, but I figured that if all five of the other girls showed up and I stayed until then, it would look better to Jordan. And if they didn't, I'd deal with it then. But they all did show up, and he let me go home, and for my trouble waiting I learned an awesome card trick from the bartender Monica.

Last night I got very little sleep because I got far too much sleep yesterday: I slept until almost 2:30. And while I was lying awake being unable to sleep until 4 in the morning, I decided to go ahead and come up with some serious resolutions for the new year.

Under the cut... )

Also, I need to find gifts for Justin, Alli, Dennis, and Heather. I'm thinking something Yoshi for Justin, maybe a plush or some funny Yoshi pajamas. I'm thinking a board game for Dennis and Heather, just address it to both of them, but make sure it's a fun one. And I'll consult Danny for Alli. I also need to get presents for my family. :( I think maybe a giftcard to a nice restaurant for my parents, and then something from Spencer's or Hot Topic for my brother. I don't know where the closest one is down there so I think I'll let him pick something off the website that's $35 or less.
karriezai: ([avatar] sokkatara omg)
So a couple days ago one of my family members added me on Facebook. She's married to my dad's cousin.

Today she posts this on my wall:

"I am having to remove you from my friend list because there are things in your picture that I feel are morally wrong and I personally can't believe you are doing them! Maybe you should stop to think about some of that for awhile!"

And yes, she did unfriend me. I was very amused. I think she's referring to the pictures of me and Yuka since we're kissing in one and I'm kissing her neck in another, which is particularly funny since they're buried at the back of all my pictures, being some of the earliest I took and put on facebook. It just reminds me of how crazy my family down in Florida is.

Maybe I should be offended but I'm really not. It's funny. What should I say, "Oh, sorry, want to remove me from your family as well?" Ha.

Well I need to stop procrastinating. Will probably update more soon-ish, but for now I've got a paper to work on.
karriezai: ([iron man] captive)
Let's see. I've gotten some decent studying done, but not much else. I started on one of the books for stupid-class, but by 'start' I mean, well, two chapters. And they're little chapters, this isn't a six chapter book or anything. I read the Noh plays I need to make up before and took notes, so writing a little two-page blurb or so shouldn't be a problem... but there's still a lot of other shit I need to do. And I work tomorrow night. So fuck.

The stuff for stupid-class can be put off a while longer, I think. I guess I should probably do the one that's actually due on Tuesday, no sense in making it late when I'm actually there. But the make-up assignment, what's another day or two?

Um. Beyond that. I had my birthday dinner with Danny's parents tonight (I guess it's yesterday now...). They got me two $50 gas cards, very useful; a shirt and skirt set; and a watch with interchangeable bands. I love how I'm a part of their family so much that they get me birthday presents... and not just little $10 trinkets. She must have spent as much as $150 on me. Danny and I got her mother's day cards, and I got her one from Hobbes too because I saw it and couldn't resist.

I worked today and looked at the schedule and realized Debra changed it. Now I'm scheduled to work Wednesday and whichever weekend day I wasn't scheduled on before. Which freaking sucks. If ever there was a time I didn't need her adding days to my schedule without talking to me about it first, it's now. It's the end of the semester, finals are next week, I don't need to deal with this crap right now! I'm going to try to cover my shift on Wednesday, but even if I can't get it covered I'm not going to work. I won't just flake, I'll tell them I'm not coming. But I'm not going to go. They changed it on me after I was already scheduled to have off. It's the day after my birthday (when on my birthday I have class form 9:30AM to 9PM including two big tests), plus I have a shitload of studying/work left before finals. Kiss my ass, it isn't my problem, and if you want to fire me for it, I'll find a job that isn't freaking retarded. You need me way more than I need you, anyway.

I'm tired. Just waiting for Danny to be ready to go to bed.

On the plus side, I may not have to take my psych final. If I make a B+ or higher on the midterm Tuesday I won't go, assuming the final is one of the exams he'll drop. He's supposed to drop the lowest grade, I'm assuming that means the final if the final happens to be the lowest.

Er. So I'm messaging back and forth with both Deborah and my brother. I'm telling Cris how amazing Iron Man is because he gets to go see it next weekend. With Deborah, we're figuring out roommate stuff and sort of getting to know each other a little.

I guess that's it. Tired now.
karriezai: ([mine] [hp] hermione nothing is real)
I'm not gonna go too deeply into it because I'm tired, but I got into a sort of fight with my mom today... talked to Danny later, and the basic essence of it is that she feels like the moment something's going on with Danny or his family, I'm out the door to go over there. She said she feels like I'm taking advantage of her. Like maybe she shouldn't take out the loan to help me pay for college because what if I choose Danny and his family over my classes?

And that's never been a question for me. I'm going to school one way or another; sometimes I think it'd be easier if my parents had nothing to do with it, because then I could file for independent status and get an assload of financial aid, and then they couldn't try to make me feel guilty at every turn because they're helping put me through college. Anyway, school is very important to me. I want to succeed in life. If I can get an A, I'm getting an A. I'm not going to allow my grades to slip if I can do better. Hell, Danny wouldn't let me jeopardize my education.

And I've been a good kid. I've been Honor Roll my entire life, I've never gotten in real trouble, I've never even tried drugs, I've never stolen anything -- nothing. Now, I haven't been the best kid when it comes to chores, but I haven't been the worst either.

I think it's because she feels Danny is more important to me than her, than my family. And it's not that, exactly... it's just that I'm already at the stage when I shouldn't be living with my parents. I should be living with Danny. I'm already at that point when I'm building my own family, just like my parents did when they got married. I live at home because I have to, but I spend as much time as I can manage with Danny because at this point I can't live with him.

Ah. So tomorrow I have to go to the clinic to get my well woman's check up, get my birth control subscription renewed, and go buy my books at Maryland. So I'm going to sleep here in a few minutes.
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Have a happy Thanksgiving all. =) I'm so glad I stayed with my family for turkey day.

I haven't updated much. It's just... I can't. Haha. I dunno, life is good, in an odd chaotic sort of way. I'm really confused, but I've always liked the chaos of figuring things out, even if it can drive me out of my head sometimes. I'm working on my issues right now. And no matter how many people I'm having problems with, I still have other loved ones who're there for me, supporting and caring. So I have a ton to be grateful for today.

Family, new friends, growing, changing, learning, school friends, working out problems with all friends, even sometimes not working them out, because it all works out for the best in the end.

And most of all, life.

I love life.


karriezai: (Default)

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