karriezai: ([witticisms] [house] decrapinated coffee)
I interviewed at the AMC theater at the boulevard today. I was surprised by how quickly they replied, since back when I was looking for a job and got hired at Starbucks, I'd been working there almost three months when AMC finally called about my application. Three days is dramatically shorter. Anyway, the interview went... averagely. I mean, it seemed like it went well, but it was just a typical interview. The guy remembered Egan, though. That was cool. He said they're interviewing 20 people to fill 8 positions, and if they're gonna offer me one of the positions then I'll get a call by 5:30 tomorrow.

My pay from Starbucks is pathetic as usual. I bet at the theater I'd get enough hours to earn more than at Starbucks even if they pay me a little less. And it's supposed to be really fun to work there. We'll see if I get it. If not, well, I put in a lot of applications, so I'll find work somewhere.

Yeah, I think that's it, except Chad, Danny, and I were talking about getting me a fake ID after my interview today, haha. We were talking about fake IDs in general, actually, and how if your ID says you're 21 then it's fake, lol, because no one's 21, they're 19 pretending to be 21 or they're 22.

I should get some sleep though, so that's all.

edit Okay so maybe not. First of all, I was looking at my tags and how egan's is still bigger than Danny's. It's just because I've been spending too much time with Danny to actually write about it regularly, of course, but eh. I was looking through old Egan entries, and jesus, how things have changed. I kind of made myself forget how strongly I thought I felt about Egan until I read some of it again. The thing is, with Tim I admit that I did love him -- not true adult love, but I was in love with him all the same -- but with Egan, I think it was something else. It was the situation. I don't really know.

Danny, though, I love. Like... there is absolutely no question whatsoever. And I'm only getting closer to him, more comfortable with him. For a little while, it bothered me that he would say I love you so readily when slightly inebriated, but not nearly so often when completely sober... but not anymore, because I realize I can see it on his face, and that's far more important. Saying it without words is precious.

Bah. Secondly. I've decided that the writing method that works for me is forming a sturdy skeleton for the story and then writing it, fleshing it out as I go. It's how I've accomplished my most effective writing. Elemental Force, I had the whole framework: the conflict with the realms unravelling because the doubled-over timeline snapped back to one again, the temples they had to right, the biggest challenges they would face. All the major plot elements were already developed, I just had to flesh it out by actually writing it. Heart of a Werewolf, I had a real framework, chapter-by-chapter, which worked well because it was short and to the point. For my 2005 NaNo stuff, I had all the major plot elements in place, too.

Just finding a beginning and a hint of an ultimate conflict and running with it really isn't enough for me.

Keeping this in mind... tomorrow I'll try to build, if I don't just sleep during my freetime in class. Haha.
karriezai: ([mine] [hp] hermione nothing is real)
I wrote like a hundred words on nano today in school. Didn't bother to type it up. Just... tired, and everything.

I'm joining newspaper and becoming a mentor, which effectively takes out three workdays of my week. Maybe not. I may work from five-thirty or six on Thursday or something. Whatever.

Yuka almost got fired today because of money issues, and then Brandy's till was short fifty bucks and she accidentally let all the registers fall on the floor and we spent like half an hour picking it all back up and counting the tills back up. I'm tired of this job so hard. I want to work at the Youth Center or Borders.

Yuka and I spent the time well though. We talked about college. She said UM has a campus on the base she used to live on in Japan and we want to go there. I looked it up and it's actually UMUC, which offers courses at UM, so I'm not so sure how it'll work out, but it would be the best thing ever. We'd be here a year or two and then transfer to Japan.

Egan... ah. Officially the weirdest thing ever. But I need to go to bed.
karriezai: ([house] oops)
Oh man, I feel bad. Romeo read my post, and it was meaner than I thought when I reread it. I mean, he's a nice kid and I know that, and I picked him for my partner because I knew he'd care enough to contribute to the project at all. Both of us being absent last Tuesday just made things harder, it was all a little last minute. I should have just spoken up sooner or something. He apologized and gave me chocolate, and it was so sweet, I feel awful for making him feel bad. =(

Ahhh. I had fun today though. First of all, for all the circumstances that surrounded the project, it went spiffingly. Dr. Moore read our paper and gave it a 100, she liked it very much. She liked the poster as well, and Romeo did a great job pasting it all together, it looks very nice.

Then I went out with Yuka. We met Adam at Dupont Circle and had the best time -- we hung out with Jason at Fatty's for a while, then we went to this restaurant called the California Pizza Kitchen for something to eat. We debated patriotism and the flaws and advantages of America, which was terrific, I love debate. Yuka and Adam were all anti-patriotism even though they agree America is a great country to live in and all that, they just don't agree with a lot of stuff here. I sided with patriotism but pointed out that I agree with them on most of the stuff they disapprove of in America; I'm just defining patriotism differently. I support America and I would defend it if it was attacked, but I acknowledge its flaws and the fact that we must work to improve them. I certainly don't agree with a lot of things about my country, but I still love it. They're decidedly more anti-Bush than me considering I'm not political to begin with and I think Bush was at least a better choice than Kerry, even though last election just sucked.

Then we went to the gay bookstore, and I got three pins and a bracelet, and I really look like a lesbian now but wtfever, haha. I liked the bracelet.

And we taught Adam proper boob- and ass-groping methods. He was just appreciative of the action -- 'the only action' he can get. (Same for me, haha, I miss my Egan.)

Yuka and I half-flirted with this guy on the metro just for the hell of it (it was really an accident), and... god we have the most fun together. We talked about going to college together and getting an apartment together, and it's going to be the most fun ever. The plan is to get an apartment together and go to College Park for two years, then take a year-long break (during which time I'll spend a year with Egan, taking a break from the world really, learning to survive just off nature), then go back to college for however long.

Ohhh it's gonna be fun.
karriezai: (Default)
Friday barely exists for me. Thursday I went to bed at... one-ish after watching Click. No school on Friday, just work at 4, so one was a reasonable bedtime, yes? (Click was decent, by the way. I enjoyed watching it, at least.)

Woke up Friday at one in the afternoon (after waking up once or twice during the night and trying cough drops and that throat spray to no effect until my dose of medicine kicked in) and had no voice. At all. It was kinda scary really. So I had Cris call my parents so one of them could call my work to say I wasn't coming in. (I knew he'd be too chicken to call himself, the big scaredybear.) Went back to sleep at like... three. Slept on and off until twelve Saturday (today). So out of those twenty-four hours, I was awake maybe twenty? Ish? That's a lot of sleep. So today when I woke up, I felt weirdly... floaty. Like I was just dreaming, and everything that had happened before was a dream too. I finally distinguished reality from dream (because I did dream a little, about Egan)... but it took forever for that floaty feeling to go away. Until just now, really. No... it's kinda still there. Whatever.

Anyway, I saw The Prestige with mom and Cris, and I really liked it. A freaking ton. It's one of those that I get out of the movie and I just want to babble on with someone about theories, events, what this meant, where this fit in, blah blah blah... but mom and Cris aren't those sorts of people, so I had to shut up. On a day when I was feeling better, I might not have shut up, haha.

I work tomorrow. I'm starting to feel better, so I'm gonna go in. It's just four hours. I already lost like five and a half this week when I only had 13 to begin with, so yeah, let's not lose any more.

Danny's at my Starbucks now. I guess he was permanently transferred finally. They've been talking about it.

Righto. Tata.
Tags:
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
As much as I hate to do it... I have to start friend-locking some of my entries. I'm a very open person, with everyone, and it doesn't bother me to leave my entries public -- except my dad fucking stalks me on the internet. He'll find one of my online journals and start shit based on entries I've written, some of them from months ago. I'm very open with him, extremely open; I don't know anyone else as open with their parents as I am. But there are some things I just can't talk to him about, mostly concerning his faults, because he gets irrational when angry and the stupidest shit can piss him off.

With anyone else, I'm perfectly willing to own up to whatever I write should they find it. I'm willing to discuss it, whatever. But it just doesn't work with my dad.

This also means I'll probably be splitting up what ordinarily would be a single post a lot of the time, because I don't want to f-lock everything, just the stuff I don't want to bother with my dad about.

Like this:

Yuka put me into a very precarious situation today. I didn't stop it, so I'm very much at fault, but Yuka initiated it. I'll deal with it. Perhaps I needed it; my boundaries are looser than hers, and I know I've pushed hers a little from time to time. But at lunch she told Brandon to feel my boobs the same way she did Danny... then she felt them under the bra (I don't mind it from her, it just makes me laugh) and moved his hand under my shirt... yeah, it pushed my boundaries a little. I don't know him all that well. He's a nice guy, but I just don't know him that well, and just as important he doesn't know me that well... so naturally a misunderstanding arose. In precalculus, he came over and sat with his arm around me a couple times, and then kissed my neck... and asked if I had a boyfriend. I told him sort of... and he said, "Now you do."

But I dunno, he left after that, I'm not sure quite how deep in I am. Like I said, I'll sort it out.

And I worry that people may begin to think of me as being loose. Ordinarily I wouldn't care what people think, but this school isn't the safest of places, and guys could misunderstand -- I don't want to get myself hurt. I'm not worried about Brandon, he's a cool kid. But there are others.

God I'm hormonal. I love flirting (although I'm an equal opportunity flirt, and that often includes girls). But I have my limits. I so want to be kissed and all that business, but I want Egan.

A lot of these guys, I'd crush on them if I didn't already have feelings for someone. It's weird to think about. To know that and still... love Egan. God though, I'm physical, I miss that contact horribly. It's the hardest part.
karriezai: ([kh] &nobody)
Okay, so.

I found out today at work that Michelle is almost certainly leaving here... in a month or so. And if she leaves, I have this feeling that work will just fall apart. Brandy is just not manager material. She hasn't gotten better in the three to four months she's been managing Starbucks -- things have been going downhill. We ran out of white mocha at the beginning of the week (the shipment doesn't come until Thursday) and only had any today because we borrowed from another store. We ran out of pastry bags on the paper shipment day and didn't have any new ones in the shipment. Had to borrow from another store. Today we were out of vanilla, caramel, and toffeenut syrup. And soy. We've been using sugar-free vanilla syrup we borrowed from Seattle's Best in the Borders.

We're always running out of stuff. The store is a mess. And Brandy doesn't know how to treat her employees either. She's humiliated and frustrated Yuka into tears, and me nearly to the point of snapping at her and/or walking out. She'll say stuff about us that's insulting to appease the customers, but we'll get complaints from the customers about how rude she is. And she gossips. I hate a gossip. I hate standing there hearing someone talk about someone else behind her back.

Half the time she's in the back or sitting talking to a friend of hers who came into the store.

Ugh. It's tolerable because I hardly ever work with her, and when she's in the back or chatting up a friend at least she's out of the fucking way... so it only really gets bad when a rush hits, which is quite rare overall since I don't work with her that often to begin with.

Dad says he and mom are discussing the possibility of moving back onto Bolling, to Bellevue. At first I absolutely despised the idea, though I didn't say as much, I just started thinking about it. But now... it's ish. I mean, there are advantages and disadvantages, conveniences and inconveniences -- it'd probably all balance out.

I would have to leave Starbucks, which is good and bad. Bad because Starbucks pays so well, it'd be hard to find a decent replacement job. Good because that store is just unravelling, so it'd be nice to get away, even if I'd miss most of my coworkers.

I'd be able to start Tae Kwon Do again. I'd be within walking distance (or at least safe biking distance) of so much more -- the BX, the convenience store, the commissary, the Burger King, the library, the pool... I could probably find two jobs if I wanted, if I could get set hours for at least one of them. There are so many kids that live in the area, even some I know already, haha. It's safer...

But then I wouldn't live so near to Yuka. It'd be easier to see Alicia, I think, since her mom goes to Bolling pretty regularly, but also harder to see Yuka.

And the move itself would be damned inconvenient; we'd have to move ourselves. I just got settled in my newly rearranged room. I'd have to metro to school everyday, and that's if the school didn't object to a move out of district. It wouldn't be nearly as easy to get to springfield and pentagon city because I'd have to bus to the station, and Dad doesn't trust Anacostia, military people get jumped there.

Yeah, I think it balances out. Plus, a new adventure, man. Having to get hired again, job references, learning all that junk. Managing school and a new job and Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, it would be fun.

I guess I'm a hopeless optimist... ha.

But I do want to know, like for certain. The parents haven't even remotely made up their minds yet.

Ahhh. Turns out Yuka was half-right. About Egan. And stuff always happens to create a convenient out of our more awkward conversations, like the internet booting one of us off for a minute... so... huh.

I've gotta go to bed.
karriezai: (Default)
Yuka's indecision with Danny is driving me a little bit up the wall.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe she's being crafty and making him think of us both as friends by having him feel my boobs. I'm sure that sounds very, very odd. But Yuka and I feel up each other's boobs all the time. We're that comfy with each other... and admittedly, part of it is show. We have fun making jaws drop. It isn't just that -- we're just as comfy playing around together like that when we're just walking home from metro alone or whatever -- but it is fun.

And I'll harrass anybody who's open to it, though, not just Yuka. Haha.

Anyway, she's so on and off with Danny, she likes Andy better, Danny can't kiss, Danny can't grope... yet everytime they hang out together she shows up with new hickeys and new stories, and suddenly he's groping her boobs and then we're arguing over whose boobs are bigger and she's having him grope mine. I don't mind that, actually, I just wish she'd make up her mind. She's worried that since he's coming to work with us it'd be awkward... ha.

She has a way of making me doubt. I guess because she grew up with her brother, so she should know him right? But my insincts have been right, by and far. Not about everything, of course. That would just fill my head with hot air. (I almost said hair.) But enough.

And oh I feel bad. The knives I got him, Seth (his roommate) hurt himself really badly on them. Like he needs surgery badly. Like he needs surgery or his middle finger won't bend anymore badly.

Yeah.

They're struggling enough, now paying for surgery? That's the worst part. It sounded scary.

Two entries in one day. Oh joy.

I'm watching Nip/Tuck, and wtf, Sean's going fucking crazy. This show is the most insane show on tv. And the reviews are absolutely right -- the best made guilty pleasure on TV. Haha.

I'm going to keep writing. I can already see revisions that need to be made, a lot of them major, but I'm just going to write them in my travel-sized black book... ahaha. Didn't realize I'd picked out such a perfect pair.

I suppose that's it.
karriezai: ([kh] hero / anti-hero)
I dunno what's up, but I've been having a horrible time the last few days. I mean... not like I'm completely miserable all the time, but I've never had so much bad stuff happen to me so close together. I just never was that person -- I've always had a charmed life. I guess it's gotta break sometime.

Friday I overslept and missed school. I could have gone in time for second period, but it was raining, and I didn't want to walk to metro unless I had to. I probably already talked about that here, so yeah.

Yesterday I was really late to work for the first time. I didn't think I worked at all. She called me fifteen minutes after I was supposed to have gotten there, and by the time I made it in, I was an hour late. As if I don't have few enough hours these days... I felt so horrible because it was completely my mistake, I'd been thinking it was still last week. I had the right times written down in my agenda, I just had last week's times in my head. But the bright side here: it was really slow at work, so it didn't really cause a problem, just made me feel bad.

And today I was a stupid idiot and left my bag in the gym when we went outside to walk laps. Coach even told us to bring our valuables, but I thought, who leaves their valuables in their bag besides me? Who'd even check? I got back and my bag was gone.

Well, we found the bag eventually. One of the guys found it in the boys' locker room. But my cell phone was gone, as was the money in my wallet, my debit card, and my smart trip. And my mp3 player. We cancelled the debit card and phone, so frankly what worries me most is the mp3 player, because there's no way I'm getting that back. I only had $2 on my smart trip, plus a $33 paper card, but I didn't have to pay for them, and neither did anyone in my family. I imagine there's some kind of insurance on my phone... and I'll get a new debit card mailed to me free of charge. Though I do need to go make sure it wasn't used before the cancellation went through.

It was a stupid mistake, but I guess I had to have my trust broken at some point. It's hard to believe someone would just walk off with my bag and steal everything out of it. The way I'm feeling now, I realize just how naive I am, because I know -- theoretically -- that there are bad people out there, but it just seems so... impossible. How can you just take what isn't yours? Something that big, something that could seriously fuck stuff up for someone?

Central has the worst security, though. The only advice the guards could offer was to suspend my cell phone's service. I mean, I understand you can't search the whole school for the kid who stole it. Yuka doubts they were even there anymore. But honestly, the number of kids just wandering the hallways in the middle of class is ridiculous. Shouldn't the school keep an eye out for that? Make sure the kids go to class?

It's particularly irritating because of uniforms. I have such mixed feelings about uniforms. The point is to reduce theft and violence and shit like that, but uniforms just started this week, and this is the first time I've ever been stolen from. It isn't that we need uniforms, it's that the school needs to get off its ass and actually patrol the hallways.

God, uniforms. Central went about them entirely the wrong way. The Supreme Court hasn't set a standard yet. But from what reading I've been doing, I can see that in other schools with uniforms there are at least one of three things: a parental opt-out policy, a chance for kids who don't want uniforms to go to another school, and/or financial aid. Especially the latter. And uniforms aren't supposed to be that expensive, based on the sums I've seen. But not only does Central not offer any of these options, the uniforms it tried to force us to buy at first were crazy expensive. It's illegal to do that, too -- force the kids to buy their uniforms from one company, no financial aid at all, just you have to do this. Only recently did the school start saying no, you don't have to buy from this one company, just get the right color and style. It reeks of wrongness.

I hate these uniforms on principle. I didn't buy the ridiculous ones they insisted on at first. We went out and got the right color and style, and I actually like what we found, surprisingly. So it's not that I have a problem wearing them on that level. It's just so wrong to force uniformity on kids, to insist on squashing individuality and self-expression. And another part of me says that there are other ways to express yourself. And there are places in the world where uniforms are the norm, not even questioned. It's such a can of worms.

The initial guidelines were so ridiculously strict. They were absolutely designed to smother expression of self in your appearance. But they can't enforce such strict guidelines, I doubt they'll even try, seeing the start they've gotten off to.

I want to rebel, but at the same time, I fought to get into this school. I can fight to make it better, yes, but up to what point? I can't get suspended or expelled. I wanted this school. And yes, this fight is a part of it. So is getting stolen from, apparently; now I know better than to be so trusting. Never leave my shit lying around. I needed to learn that, obviously.

So there are things I will do. I will research, I will put together information... and I'll dye my hair crazy colors, and I'll wear pins on my clothing, and I'll do whatever other crazy shit I can manage while still wearing the uniforms they demanded.

It's depressing to look around and see everyone dressed the same. In the mornings, everywhere it's khaki pants. The shirts aren't so bad; kids wear jackets and overshirts, not to mention backpacks, to school. Whatever.

The ID annoyed me enough. But I decided if the teachers have to wear it, I can be mature enough to wear mine too. That's fine. But teachers don't have to wear uniforms. It's ironic on so many levels. Teachers can work somewhere else; most of these kids have no choice in where they go to school. But I did. But I'm still the one putting up a fuss.

I don't want to be the one who doesn't speak up against these things. I shouldn't take so much shit from Brandy, but most of the time I do. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should half the time. I'm very easy going, I'm only now beginning to realize how much so. I don't get riled easily. I wasn't even all that upset about getting stolen from. Dumbfounded, certainly. And I cried a little on the phone talking to mom, but I think that was mostly confronting her with this stupid thing that happened. And it was only a little.

Insanity.

Happier things. I finished Mistborn, and oh man that guy's good. When he commented on my journal, I was absolutely stunned... and after a moment, I realized that a part of my mind was thinking of him as Kelsier the character, not Brandon Sanderson the author. But that's beside the point. It's great that he's that active with his fans, he can just stumble across one of them and spare time to say hello or offer some friendly advice. That is absolutely the way I want to be ifwhen I get published. Not to mention that good. I'm sad to have finished, but ecstatic to know what happened. The book seems so complete, with only one fairly clear thread that could run into another book (that I noticed), that it's hard to believe the bit on the jacket flap about this book being the first in a trilogy... but I look forward to it.

I could just ramble about it, but it's best not to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't read it. (Not that anyone reads my journal, random passersby notwithstanding.)

Obviously I need to finish writing my own. I kind of stopped to start reading again. Most of the time, writing and reading don't go that well together for me, not if the book I'm reading is very good. I'd rather spend extra moments absorbing the book, getting closer to the finish, than writing. Haha. But that's it, I'm out of books for a time, at least ones that truly strike me -- there are others I could read, but they wouldn't be the can't-put-me-down sort of books.

Egan's birthday was yesterday, ahh. He's so adorable. Said he felt like a little kid when he got the knives I sent him. I'm glad. It makes me smile thinking of it. I didn't get to talk to him much, but hey, every minute's worth it.

Why are goodbyes the best? Hugs at the end of the night, goodbyes at the end of a conversation. Even the great goodbye when he left for Seattle led to something... perfect.

I love him. Still feels a little odd.

I remember when it was new, and I got the impression that once you make a promise with him, you keep it. I made a promise... and it was delayed, I didn't get to it until he was already gone, but I did it. And I reminded him. And he admitted that he hadn't expected me to keep that particular one. But I think he remembers it, and knows that if we make a promise, I know to keep it.

We promised last night that in three years, we would drop everything (after sufficient preparation, of course) and spend one year living in the wild, just on survival skills and the like. At first I was a little hesitant. I hate camping with my parents, haha. But then I think of it from a different view, the view that directly or indirectly moves almost every single thing in my life: the view of a writer. It would be such a great thing to experience, just to know what it's like. And I want to learn things like archery and the like -- what better time to learn?

There's this thing about choosing to do something of your own volition. I hate camping with my parents for various reasons, most particularly the lack of showering and sleeping in a tent (I hate the feeling of waking up in a tent), but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Choosing to do it on my own is something entirely different. Maybe there's a bit of pride in it... most likely, actually.

I suppose I've made this long enough. I make entries far too long sometimes.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] my lover)
I just realized I did spend a lot on Egan's birthday. I mean, still no more than I could manage, but yeah. Something less than ... yeah nevermind, I'm not gonna put the price up, but it was the shipping that really pushed up the price. Haha. Oops. Don't tell.

But Mistborn is really good, it's one of those that once I start reading, I don't want to put it down. Another one of the weird coincidences floating around my life lately: I joined this community a long time ago, and when I got the book, I looked in the community and noticed that the author is a member. Wtf.

Anyway, it's one of those fantasy books that has fantastic worldbuilding, which is one of the things that draws me into it so much. I love worldbuilding. I mean... I love original worlds. Allomancy, all of it's so great, the mist, the Steel Inquisitors, I'm so impressed. It makes me think about my own books.

I love unique magic systems. Allomancy -- "burning" metals. And in The Covenant, I loved the price of magic, the early aging because your magic is tied to your life and wears out your body. Stuff like that is great. I like my world's magic, but I don't think I'll get to put into my books what makes it so great because I don't infodump (I hope)... and anyway... the characters don't exactly know it.

Kay, done.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥
karriezai: (Default)
NaNo's next month. I'm not quite sure what I'll do yet, but I will participate. I'll probably either go for 30k, 60k, or submitting a WotF short story (meaning write it the first 20 or so days, revise & send it in the last bit of the month).

Work was long today. (I almost typed togay, wow.) I took Ashley's shift, so it was eight hours. But Claude's fun to work with, generally, so even though it was FORFREAKINGEVER it seemed, it was cool. I work tomorrow for four and a half hours, and then I have Monday off from school and from work. I'm probably gonna do something with Robert and Alicia (separately probably, but yeah) then. I've been texting Robert like crazy, and now I'm talking to him online, and Egan's on too finally... it's fun. Egan's beating up Cris via internet and Robert (aka pretend david) is flashing his nice rack. And I keep getting harrassed and distracted and... yeah. It's great.

When I was talking about Robert and Dad asked who it was.. I told him, and he said, "Oh, he's the new boyfriend?" And mom said, "No, it's like with CJ, they're friends but there's nothing there." And... I dunno, I'm not sure what to think. Dad was like, "Oh, you mean there's nothing there?" gesturing between his ears, and then clarified to he acts like nothing's there, and I piped in with "CJ ISN'T stupid! CJ doesn't act stupid!" Because he's my friend, haha, and yeah nothing's there in that one.

And a tiny part of me wonders if Mom said that because they're both black, because she doesn't know Robert but for the one time I introduced them for five seconds, so how can she know that at all? She can't. She's assuming.

The thing is I AM flirting with Robert, absolutely. And I wouldn't do anything because I don't have myself sorted out, and it isn't fair to mess with someone's head even if it's because your own isn't straight. So I'm flirting with everyone equally to be fair, but I do kinda like Robert, but I still like Egan, I still like Egan more, I care a whole fucking lot for Egan -- ha. And I know the likelihood that this thing between us will fade away because of the sheer distance between us and the time it'll be there, but I don't want it to, but I don't want to hold on just for the sake of it... and I guess I know that even if one or both of us gets into other relationships now, that doesn't mean there's no later.

...good point.

Anyway, I hardly know Robert, I think I'm just hormonal and he's fun and... attractive, certainly. So I'm not even going to worry. It's funny, I'm not really worried, I think about it a little but it's like... whatever happens will happen, and there's nothing to even worry about now because dude.

So I'm probably seeing a movie with Robert Monday.

I'm sleepy. Jesus it's 2 in the morning already, I should be asleep. But I don't wanna.
karriezai: (content)
I was going to say that it feels weird not writing to Egan ... but I decided, why stop? I'll just mail it when I get the chance.

Since it's past midnight, happy birthday Yuka =)
Tags:
karriezai: (wtf)
He's gone ;_;

Still not quite real, but it'll get there.

I found myself thinking this a few minutes ago... I don't know if it came from somewhere or if my mind just randomly created it, but:

"In dreams and in tomorrows, forever yours."

It was just there. It was so random, I feel like it had to come from somewhere, but I googled it, and nothing. Huh.
Tags:
karriezai: (default)
I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm at this amazing point in my life. I love living, I have everything going for me, I'm so happy just to be myself. It's incredible. I feel like there's just so much out there in the world.

I'm not self-conscious, I'm extraverted, I'm just... happy.

length )

geez

11/7/06 10:19
karriezai: (perves)
I think Egan threw my whole physiology off.

This is the first time in probably more than a year that I've started my period without cramping at all.

Strange.

Okay, so maybe it has very little to do with Egan. I've been working a month, maybe it has more to do with that and with going out all the time during the day. But considering last night, that was the first thing I thought of.

Ah. I got the expected response from Mom2 for my new default myspace picture. Oh well.
Tags:

oh wow.

10/7/06 23:01
karriezai: (content)
Today seems pretty surreal. It was a really great day, but wow.

My last day with Egan. He, Yuka, Cris, Alicia, and I went to Springfield Mall and hung out for a while... we went into Charlotte Russe (I think that's the name?) and Yuka and I tried on corsets. Apparently the corset I tried looked good on me... I thought it was neat, but probably not something I'd wear out or anything, so why would I buy it? Alicia and Yuka bought a bunch of panties, though. x]

We went into Hot Topic and ate and went to Borders across the street so I could look for kanji for 'no regret', although I ended up not being able to find it there... then we headed to the metro and went over to Dupont Circle to check out the tattoo place. I wanted to get a tattoo that day, but it was really all up in the air since I had to check the place out and find the proper kanji and get it priced and all that... but it worked out perfectly.

The receptionist was so friendly. We had fun talking to him. He looked up the kanji for me and told me the tattoo would be $80, and I could get it done at 7 (it was something after 4 at the time). We had planned to go out while we waited for 7 to roll around, but we ended up staying there and harrassing the receptionist the entire time. He was a rock paper scissors expert, had no tattoos and was letting all his piercings heal up (he was also a piercer), and was generally fun as hell to talk to. He showed us a picture of his girlfriend's boobs on his camera phone. x]

When the tattoo artist, Steve, finished up with the client before me, he came out front, and... I'm totally skipping a lot of good stuff, like the panties, but it's okay. Anyway, they told me they'd give me a discount if I flashed my boobs at them XD So Alicia went behind me and pulled up my shirt and bra real quick to flash them, and sure enough, they took $20 off the price... so I only paid $60. Heh.

For all the joking around with stuff like that, though, these guys were really professional. I was very impressed. When I asked about the autoclave, Steve told me I should also ask if it's spore-tested (which theirs is), because the autoclave is useless if there are spores growing in it. He made my arm all sanitary and shaved it and tattooed really nicely. Alicia's tattoo artist was so unprofessional by comparison. I'm very happy with it.

I'll get a better picture later, but for now, this:

Read more... )

So yeah. My first tattoo. It does hurt, but it's bearable. I didn't flinch... I was just blank-faced, but apparently that's my pain face, haha. I dunno if the location makes it any worse, but... I'd get more small tattoos, but nothing really big. I wouldn't want to sit through it, I think.

We went home. I dropped Yuka and Egan at their house and then went home to get the letter I wrote Egan. 8 pages even, I believe. And the book he'd wanted from Borders that I got him Sunday... I wrote a note in the book and a last entry in the letter, and then headed back over to their house to give it to him and say goodbye.

When I got there, I didn't think I'd cry. I felt really calm, mellow. But after I gave him everything and we were hugging and neither one of us really wanted to let go... I cried after all. Not sobbing... my face didn't get red or anything because there was no holding it in, no sobbing, just a few tears running down my face.

And then on the way home... wow. That's the really surreal part. The moon was full and that red-orange color -- blood on the moon? Maybe that's not what it's called, but that's what I thought. I stopped halfway home just to look at it through the trees, and I could see the fireflies winking against the dark trees underneath the moon... just wow.

I'm going to miss him insanely.
Tags:

meh

23/6/06 00:20
karriezai: (amused)
Okay, I'll make a real update.

I haven't wanted to update just because it's mostly Egan-related stuff, and I know I should shut up about it once in a while, because I can get really annoying... ha. Which is actually why my brother went "Fuck Egan -- ...no, don't" earlier today, because I talk too much. :/ He's the little brother, but he's got the big brother complex going on. Anyway, I think I've been getting all that sort of stuff out on paper -- I'll give it to you before you leave, actually, Egan -- so I'll shut up about it here.

I watched Cars, and Cris was right -- better than it looked like it would be. It had a cute story behind it. And I didn't realize it was Larry the Cable Guy until he said, "That's funny right there, I don't care who you are" or whatever. I didn't know it was Owen Wilson either until I watched the credits, because it was bothering me that Lightning sounded like Michael J Fox to me.

I took my placement tests for senior year this morning. I know I did well on English, Science, and Algebra I, but I have a feeling US History kicked my ass horribly. I don't remember any of those history facts anymore. It didn't take that long though. I started at maybe 8:30 and finished at 11:30.

I saw them closing at Starbucks today after I watched Cars. I get to do that tomorrow. Then Saturday I work noon to 6. And I should get my first paycheck tomorrow. Yuka got a share of the tips today at work -- they're divided up every Thursday. I figure she started logging in as barista while we were still training even though she wasn't supposed to, because I started logging in as barista on time but I didn't get a share of the tips. Henry gave me my drink free instead, so it's all good.

Yeah, I think that's it for now. This is the latest I've stayed up in two or three weeks.

-yawn-

19/6/06 10:17
karriezai: (amused)
Didn't have to do all that junk today. Just went up to the school for a few minutes, talked to the guidance counselor... I'm going to take my school placement tests first, then once I'm in the system apply at PGCC and take the Accuplacer. Which means I need to get my schedule for work today and go up to the school Thursday or earlier if I get the chance. I already know I work tomorrow, though. 11:30 to 5:30.

Totally busted last night. I took Cris up to the theater to see Tokyo Drift... I suggested it because I wanted to see Egan, haha. Once we got there we got to hang out on the balcony for 30 minutes waiting for the movie to start and talking to Egan some, and Cris told him, "She's just going to the movie to see you." I was like, "Thanks for that, Cris." Sarcastically.

But the movie was way better than I expected. I liked it. I haven't even seen the first two. XD

Dad's an ass sometimes, though. He picks on me too much. I especially don't like being teased about being a 'bad kid', because I know I'm not, and it brings back the issues I had in that big blow up with my grandmother. It's probably just because I'm tired, but he's being really fucking pissy with his teasing.
Tags:

pshaw

17/6/06 08:11
karriezai: (amused)
Didn't take the accuplacer thinger for college... because I need a signature from the principal or guidance counselor since I'm going to be doing concurrent enrollment o_O S'okay though. I'll do it maybe Monday... or maybe the same day I do all my regular school placement tests.

Work's still good... the people working with me were getting pissed with Henry yesterday, but I wasn't, I don't know why... I mean, he was treating me the same way, and I didn't see any mean spirit in it. He was just being the manager like he's supposed to be.

Egan smells good, man. x]

I need to eat breakfast. Yuka and I are going to Springfield Mall to meet with Alicia and Travis... and probably Nico too. XD
Tags:
karriezai: (content)
Work's good. I know how to make pretty much everything now. I mean, I'll have to ask how many of this goes into that sometimes, but ... I can make lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos, espressos, americanos, frappuccinos, iced teas... I haven't made iced coffees, but it doesn't seem too hard. And of course regular coffee and tea, I learned those first thing. My till was 2 cents off today, which is good. I hope someday I have a perfect till, but my mom says not to hold my breath. She used to work register at Piggly Wiggly in Bonifay, so she has experience with that.

My internet is a fucking cock sucker. x] -kicks the wireless connection-

I'm also a lameass, for real. But I'll figure this out. I've gotta remember to trust my instincts, because they haven't let me down yet... listening too much to other people has just got me down a little.

I feel like I'm really starting to grow up, because outside of Egan, nothing really makes me nervous or uncertain or whatever anymore. Not work, not driving, not talking to random strangers... I mean, I won't know how to do something at work and I'll ask, but that's basically it.

Hum. It's nice.

I'm tired. I need to take a college placement test in the morning. I'm gonna just go to sleep.

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