karriezai: ([lolcat] mine plzkthx)
So I hung out with Alicia yesterday, which was nice. I hadn't seen her in a while. She's having a tough time right now -- her whole family's cooped up in a small space together, which is never fun. Families are meant to have space to keep them from gutting each other.

Anyway toward the end when we were metroing toward home, we were talking about writing. She got me to thinking about Blood and Heat, one of the three nano stories I wrote in... I think 2005. There's some really bad writing in it, haha, and some major plot things and such that need work, but I've reread it several times and I always see certain aspects of it that were really very good. I decided a while ago not to rewrite it. I wanted to incorporate it into Eysuria. It got me some really cool elements in Eysuria -- the ashings, mostly. But most of it was very hard to incorporate and keep it whole. I kind of forgot about it.

Thinking about it now, the story is so much better in its original form, though with heavy edits. I reread it again yesterday/today and I like the characters, I like the world setting, I like the plot I had set up, I love the names I chose for people and places... There's some horrible writing in there, particularly toward the beginning, and once in a while I'd find myself reading a sentence way too long and convoluted and just shaking my head to myself. But there are also a few lines, phrases, even paragraphs where I went, "Wow, I wrote that?" I'm going to try to go through and pick a few out to save.

So yes, I'm seriously considering rewriting it. Maybe even for NaNo; it seems appropriate, and it's coming up in just over a week. Until then I could work on fleshing out weak plot details and stuff like that. Maybe find my old planning posts and notebooks. I had a whole religion set up for Duos that I hardly remember.

Also, "For a Soul" is being workshopped today. I read the comments on it. Positive, of course, with the major complaint being that I needed to flesh the whole story out more. I don't really find that surprising. I wrote it very quickly for a challenge with no larger story in mind... just what came to me, really. Of course it could be fleshed out more, maybe even into a decent short story, but I wasn't planning on it. Maybe though...

I'm hungry for dessert =)

ETA: I finally gave up on h_e and westerosorting. I left all related communities, de-friended them, and reorganized my links list on the left. Much tidier. I'm trying to decide if I want to make another friends group or two for the handful of misfit communities I'm watching, but I think if I care enough to check them out I'll just go to the communities themselves.
karriezai: ([kh] [riku] believe anything i feel)
So I tried weed for the first time Wednesday night. And probably the only time. I really hated it. I was already drunk, which probably contributed, but it was a really scary feeling. I felt completely disconnected. I had this weird moment that I'm never going to be able to explain properly, but it was sort of like I realized reality was just an endless loop, and I could see every thread of it, and it was terrifying. I just wanted to piece back together the threads that made the reality of that moment so that I wouldn't have that terrifying floaty disconnected feeling, and even if the reality I returned to was an illusion, at least it wasn't so completely depressing. It was a horribly real feeling. I could feel it slipping away as I came down, and I knew, I remember thinking to myself, this feeling will fade and later I won't remember the true depth of it. But at the time I know it was terrifying. And it seemed to last forever.

I was so alone in my head. I don't know how Danny or Alicia were affected. I don't know anything else that went on outside my head, except I know we were watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily dressed up as a parrot for Halloween because I was focusing on that trying to pull reality back together. That, and then Danny's hand on mine, and his pink shirt with the flowers on it.

So yeah. I don't want to do it again. I might one day consider brownies if there's no alcohol involved, but not anytime soon I think.

I also just got an email from my dad saying Mom told him how much repairs on my car cost and I'm to pay her back as soon as possible. I was like, "Gee, thanks Dad." I've already tried a little. She wanted to buy a giftcard for Danny's parents to their favorite restaurant for taking such good care of me, but I told her to let me buy it with my money, and she should put whatever money she was going to use on it toward her credit card. I didn't need any prompting for that. I feel bad about how much my car cost to fix. And it's not like I did anything to break it, even. It's just an old car. It's done so well for its age, to be honest. It has working AC, no major defects... I think it's just mad because I don't wash it enough.

Um yeah. I guess that's it. Except I plan to submit my WotF entry that just got Honorable Mention to Realms of Fantasy magazine, see if I can get some money out of that.
karriezai: ([lolcat] in ur gutterz)
Dude I just watched episode 3.9, Nightmares and Daydreams, and that shit was HILARIOUS. I'm watching it on my mac with headphones while Danny plays Ninja Gaiden and I'm just SHAKING with laughter, and he's getting irritated because of it. Appa and Momo... just... ahahahahah....

Also! Torrential rain today was freaking terrifying! But I saw Alicia, with the fun.

Off to watch more Avatar.
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karriezai: ([avatar] katara icicle up the ass)
Yay!

So I went tanning for the first time ever today. Like with a tanning bed. It was only eight dollars, but I also bought a packet of lotion which made it eleven or something like that... which still isn't bad, in my opinion. I'm hoping to get a good tan this summer and some base tanning at a salon will help a lot, I think. Plus Danny may think tan lines are sexy, but even if I do get them I don't want my boobs to be shining white and the rest of me brown, you know? At least a light brown base for my boobs so they don't blind you when I take my bra off.

I also stopped by the College Park Starbucks and this time results were actually promising. The current manager is a woman, I think she's pretty new there (though not to the company), and she seemed genuinely interested in taking me on. She said that if I don't hear from her by Monday, I should call her. And she was very curious in when I wanted to start, now or in the fall, and I told her anytime is good but I was hoping to at least start by the beginning of the semester. I gave her my summer availability and everything.

Danny and I washed our cars today and finished season two of Avatar. He doesn't want to watch season three until it's complete and he can watch it all in a row without waiting for episodes, but I'm definitely going to watch it as soon as possible even if it means waiting. Which is good since it means when I'm bored at home while he's at work I'll be able to watch Avatar instead of having to wait for him to be home. But it's also bad because it means I can't watch it when he is home, and we had to finish season two early on his day off so I can't watch any until tomorrow. And not many then because I'm going to see Alicia. (Damn thunderstorms, they attacked our plans on Saturday and they're threatening tomorrow too.)

But man, season two was great. I'd watched most of it already, but all disjointed and with huge gaps of time in the middle... and out of order. So getting the complete season, in order, and relatively close together... was amazing. I love Iroh so much. And I liked Toph much better this time around. And I've always liked Sokka... and Momo. And Zuko is frustrating!love. And I totally missed Suki's reappearance sans makeup when I was watching disjointed episodes on TV. Hm.

Gonna watch AVP: Requiem now. Bluray. Peace.
Tags:
karriezai: ([misc] why so serious?)
I'm making mac'n'cheese. Velveeta, the only good kind. It's not a real meal, but there's not much else to choose from in the house right now, and even if I was less lazy I don't feel like spending money. Had The Conversation with Justin (Dennis' proxy, I guess?) about me paying rent. I always thought rent was by the room and then split cable/utilities evenly, but then I've never actually done the renting thing before now, and Justin kept emphasizing that we're paying to live in this house and we should each pay. Danny talked him down to a 250/250/250/150 split since I'm not taking up any of their personal space, just using the bathroom/kitchen.

This means at the beginning of next semester I'll have to spend not just some nights at my dorm, but the majority of them if I don't want to pay rent. I'm sure I'll stay two nights a week with Danny, maybe three sometimes to regularly. We'll see. I hope I get the College Park Starbucks; that would make it easier.

...Just ate the mac'n'cheese.

wisereaders/writing stuffs )
karriezai: ([kh] [kairi] shounen ai fangirl)
Grades were supposed to be posted today -- I checked last night and they were up. I made a 3.28, which is a little close for comfort in my opinion. Danny was trying to convince me that B+s are 3.5s, which would have been nice, but unfortunately they might as well not put a plus or minus for all the good they do. I think I'll do better next semester, though, since I have an idea of how everything works now.

I need to go to the gym. I haven't been since it closed... which is over a week, almost two. I plan to go tomorrow, before, during, or after my probable visit with Alicia -- dunno which yet.

I got my partner number at Starbucks today, and it's the same one I had last time, which is nice. Unfortunately my partner card won't work accept as an ordinary Starbucks card because the card number is deactivated when you leave the company, not just the partner number. I called to ask about it today, and in four months or so I should get my new one. It doesn't really matter; the partner number keyed in works just the same.

I'm replaying Kingdom Hearts. I'm going to play some more as soon as I finish this, just until Danny gets home in half an hour or so. I'm only to Traverse Town; the bad guy there kicked my ass until I get sick of trying. I need to level up some more. I didn't spend enough time wandering the city. I sure as hell spent enough time on the Islands, though. It only took three fights for me to beat Riku, and then I kept fighting him until it was 3 to 2. You get another little item for that, it turns out. Fighting all three of the others is harder, but I did that too.

Um. My dad emailed me from Korea. It was a nice email. I told him a little about what's been going on, and my grades.

My new years was great. It was just Danny, Dennis, Justin, me, Heather, and Alli, and we hung out and played Rock Band and then drinking Apples to Apples. I love that game, and I have a much longer attention span for it than anyone else.

Right, so I better go if I want to have time to play.
karriezai: ([hp] avada kedavra)
Sooo. I just realized Tuesday that I have a ten to twelve page paper due next Tuesday. I have to write it this weekend. It's an actual research paper, requires 15 academic sources. I have to text Alicia and let her know I have to postpone hanging out... x_x; Anyway, I have a detailed outline and bibliography due for an 8 - 10 page paper due next Thursday. And a history paper due after Thanksgiving break, and a speech due after Thanksgiving break. Waaah.

I think my grades so far are three As (two one credits, one three credit) and three Bs (three credits). I have to maintain a 3.2 for my scholarship. If those are the grades I get, I'll be safe at about a 3.3. If one one credit turns out to be a B, it'll be a 3.28 or something. But I can't get a C in a three credit, I can't afford it, so these papers and things are really important. I may even be able to bring one of the Bs up to an A. Comm maybe; I have a mid to high B in that class, with a paper, a speech, and I think a final left. And of course participation for all of these, generally around ten percent, which could be an absolute life saver. So we'll see.

I bought Danny's anniversary present. I took a Halloween picture of us as Link and Zelda and ordered a photo mosaic. All the little pictures making up the big picture of us will be artwork from Zelda games. By tomorrow the mosaic should be compiled for me to look at and see if it's to my liking. If it is, I'll accept it and it'll be shipped.

Okay, so I better text Alicia.
karriezai: ([kh] [sora] faith trust peace)
Oh my god it's finally over. I came home from school yesterday with Danny and found this dry-erase board with calculations on it. One side was Guilford, one side was Maryland, one year for each. According to my parents' calculations, Maryland was $12,000 without books and Guilford was $11,000, $8,000 if I got the Honors scholarship. (All this is approximate, of course.) But I looked at it and went, "Their calculations are wrong." So I pulled out my financial aid info from Guilford. My parents said they didn't have the Guilford financial aid info to look at, and that's true, but my mom's the one who opened my mail when I first got it, so she saw it too. Anyway, they were counting work study twice and counting a loan as a scholarship. (I get the same loan at Maryland.) So, corrected calculations have Maryland at about $12,000 and Guilford at about $14,000 (including the possible Honors scholarship). Plus, Maryland's cost includes books and Guilford's doesn't. At least, according to the website. Mom says the financial adviser they talked to put the cost at $17,000 without books, but uh, still cheaper than Guilford so what do I care?

So I'm gonna be a Terp! God I'm ecstatic. It feels so great to have that stress off my shoulders. It solves so many problems.

So yeah, I'm happy.

Then there's that shooting at Virginia Tech. It's a horrible thing, but it feels distant to me, like yeah I know it's horrible but it doesn't really have anything to do with me. I don't know anyone there. After looking at the crime ratings for colleges, the first thing I thought when I saw it on the news (back when it was one dead and nine injured) was "Their crime statistics are fucked." Which is kind of insensitive. I felt bad when Danny picked me up and was checking on friends he has at Virginia Tech (who were all okay, by the way).

Watched this movie called Idiocracy with Luke Wilson in it... and it was absolutely retarded, but in the right way. It was actually really funny. It was about this guy who got put into suspended animation (basically) and wakes up 500 years later... but evolution took a wrong turn, and mankind got incredibly retarded, until this really average guy from our day is the smartest man on earth in the future. Like I said, it was dumb as fuck, but really funny.

And ah, I had the best talk with Danny last night. We both feel the same way about each other, we're such a great match. It started because he was talking about an ex, and he called her by name, which felt weird. I told him so -- it felt weird, not necessarily bad, but very weird -- and he said he knows, he doesn't like hearing me talk about my exes. And this picture I drew for an ex of mine, Tim... it's the best picture I've ever drawn, I think, and it's one of the ones I sent him in an email, and he said when he saw it he couldn't think about how good the art was because the first thing he saw was that it was obvious I drew it for another guy.

It's a weird thing. I don't get why so many people (including me) are like that -- they feel awkward hearing about their lover's exes no matter how close their relationship is now.

He also said even though he trusts me completely, he's worried I'll go off to college and find someone better... like I'm above him, and I'll realize that and go for some talented college guy. I told him he doesn't ever have to worry about that, because there's no one better than him. But I'm glad to know I don't have to feel stupid for the occasional jealous or worried twinge that I know is absolutely moronic and immediately dismiss. Because I trust him completely, too.

And hearing him talk about us a year from now or more... and how he wants to still be together when we're fifty-something and have me wake him up "that special way we talked about"... I absolutely love hearing it because I feel the same way. Which reminds me of something else he said. He said some people just have to be reassured (he used Yuka as an example, said she'll be friends with anyone who'll tell her she's pretty all the time) and said he's like that in that he likes to be reminded that he's the only one for me. I guess I'm the same after a fashion, except I don't have to be told... but I adore the little ways he shows it. I can see how much he cares and that's a huge part of what attracts me to him. It's something I was thinking about a while back: I think sometimes the way someone loves you makes you love them even more, and vice versa, so it's kind of a cycle or whatever.

We haven't fought yet. There have been moments that could have become fights, but we didn't let it get that far, I guess. He said he's not looking forward to the first fight. I guess I'm not either, but I'm not worried. I've never fought much with anyone. It depends on the person, I guess. Like obviously I've fought with my parents. And Alicia and I have had arguments. But I never fought with Bianca or Lisa or Ash. Granted, I was never close, see-you-all-the-time friends with any of them for more than a year or so. Obviously fights will happen, I just don't think it'll be an issue. After a fight, I think about it, calm down, reason it out, and try to see where I'm wrong. I mean, prime example: Alicia and I have always made up after fights, haha.

Eh. Anyway. I love the guy. He joked he'd marry me if I bought a Corvette, and when I said no way, he said I should have been crafty and bought a toy Corvette. (I might smell another anniversary present, lol.)

Okay, I was supposed to correct my scholarship essay and I only have twenty minutes left now, way to go me. Blah.
karriezai: ([house] cameron's hitting that)
I reread Ella Enchanted today after I finished And Eternity, the last in Piers Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series, and had nothing else to read. Although I suppose technically I could have read the book we're supposed to be reading in English, but I was still groggy from sleeping all through third period, so it didn't even occur to me.

Yeah. I think I need to go to bed at ten again. I've been really sleepy the last few days, but today was horrible. I slept in first period after we finished our work, and then again in third period, ignoring the temporary teacher we have. In third period, I passed the fuck out. It wasn't like normal classroom sleep, it was like the whole world was gone. Haha. It wasn't all that long when I checked my watch, but it felt like an eternity, which is really backwards for normal sleep... but I guess it's because it felt like night, in bed, sleep, and even though that feels quick, in your mind you know you were asleep for hours.

Aze emailed me about reviving The Afterglow and starting another project -- really just a bigger, badder, rolled-up version of stuff we've done before -- and I really want another project. I haven't been on the internet much at all lately, and my inspiration's run low. I haven't written in so long. Not real writing. It's really depressing, but I think I feed off of having a beta reader, or someone who genuinely enjoys what I write and will read through it for me and tell me what they think, offer advice and improvements. That's why Elemental Force progressed so well for a long time -- I had Lisa. That's why Heart of a Werewolf progressed and actually got finished -- I had Aze. And back in middle school I had Cassie and Aze and even a couple other people.

I love writing for myself, but at heart I guess I just want to share the story and hear how others react to it. If I don't have someone reading along as I add more, chapter by chapter or whatever, it's harder to find the will to sit down and actually write as opposed to planning. Planning, though, I can do in abundance.

I really want it to just start snowing, a freak blizzard. I want Danny to stay the night and school to be delayed or cancelled (because delay = snow day for me). It's supposed to snow. It's supposed to have been snowing already. Nothing, though, except apparently a little light snow this morning.

I get my nipples pierced Sunday... excitement. It hasn't exactly sunk in yet. I realize intellectually that it's gonna happen, there's a set time and date and even an audience, but it still feels vague, like it might not actually happen, it's just a fancy. Haha. Dad was being so (sarcastically) supportive today, telling me to take a camera so I have pictures of my boobs before I 'ruin' them. He was just playing around, mostly, but I don't think he particularly cares for the idea, even if he doesn't really mind it.

I guess I'll take a notebook, curl up, and brainstorm for The Afterglow... or writing... or whatever my brain decides it wants to think about.
karriezai: ([kh] [soriku] strange love)
There was a two-hour delay today. I was like... fuck that. I didn't go. Haha. It should have been a snow day, the bastards.

I worked my last day yesterday. Still no job yet, but I'm sure I'll get one soon. Toya recommended that I go to, what's it called, Fish and Waffles or something... She said they pay well and all. So I'll check it out when I get the chance. And I need to call the woman who can find out if I can get a job at the Youth Center here.

Brandy was upset no one called her about me coming in early for Yuka yesterday. I admit I should have thought to call her, but it didn't even cross my mind. I was in a hurry and I have no trust for her anyway, she can be very hard to reach and what could she have done but what she did in the morning? Which was: call Wilette, yell some, and get Wilette to come in to cover my 8:30 - 1:15 shift.

Wilette almost stood up for Danny, no one was pleased with Ron, and ew the caramel in the espresso bar was horrible. Mostly it was okay. After work Danny and I saw Night at the Museum, which was great. We hung out at my house for maybe an hour afterward before he had to go in to work.

The snow! Danny's car isn't safe in the snow. I really wanted him to stay over at my house. I was convinced I'd have a snow day, and my parents approved -- my mom knows how his car isn't too safe. But he refused to stay unless they posted that there'd be a snow day, and they didn't, so he went home. But he came over at 10 this morning and we hung out, and he told me I should have commanded him to stay, lol. He said he would have stayed if I told him I wanted him to, which I didn't, not in those words. I really wanted him to -- for more than just the safety thing -- but I was just trying to convince him logically, not with "I fucking want you, Danny." Haha.

He worked at 1:30. Around three Alicia called to hang out and I rolled out... and it was great. I've missed her. Talking to her was awesome. It turns out, Yuka's been venting about me to her a LOT. And apparently Danny has told Yuka a lot -- maybe more than he realizes -- because she told it all to Alicia when she was complaining. Haha. I don't mind. I told Danny that a long time ago -- he can talk to Yuka, it doesn't bother me, I'd just like a heads-up so I know what all he's told her, since I don't talk to her that much myself anymore and don't know what all she knows.

I love him so much, though. Haha. After watching Jackass 2 he said he hates Bam because all his girlfriends have said they'd do him in a heartbeat. I told him today, I don't want anyone but him. It's just my nature. I'm very faithful by nature. I lose interest in other guys when I get close to one. I can intellectually go, okay, that guy's really cute, but... he doesn't compare.

I was talking to Alicia today about how important the physical aspect of a relationship is. It's really fucking important -- extremely -- but it's not a function of how attractive a guy is, really. It's all chemistry, and a huge part of chemistry is mental and emotional.

Yeah, I think a lot.

I'm seriously considering getting my nipples pierced. I was talking to Jason at Fatty's -- where Alicia and I hung out (and gambled some) -- and... I'd already mentioned to Alicia how Danny's said I should get my nipples pierced and I wasn't sure whether he was joking... but I really had no desire to do it. I've always had a thing about hard nipples because my dad always points them out and teases, but it bothers me way less these days. So when Alicia was asking Jason what piercing she should get and he said nipples, I asked him whether they affect the sensitivity. He said yes, and when I asked if it was in a good way, he said yes. Of course, this all on average as always, because everyone's different.

My nipples aren't very sensitive, and I don't like that. Danny's are way more sensitive than mine. So it'd be great if they increased my sensitivity. Yeah... I'm really thinking about it. I'd also consider a tongue piercing because it could be great, and if I don't like it, I can always take it out and it'll heal up really fast.

Only other piercings I'm considering are on my left ear. I have the bar and one lobe piercing in my right, and that's all I really need. But I might get piercings all up the edge of my left ear. I like that off-balance look.

Mmmkay, I'm done.
karriezai: ([rl] [cell] egan)
I'm not in a terribly good mood.

I overslept today. I dunno if I slept through my alarm or if I turned it off and fell back asleep and don't even remember it... but something. I think the phone ringer is off in my room, because Cris told me later like six people called and I didn't hear a one of them. He came in my room and asked me, "Do you not have school today?" My mind went shit and I asked, "What time is it?"

7:30.

It was the rain, I think. I stayed up until 12:30, which is later than usual, but a few nights ago I stayed up until 2:30 and got up with no problem. So maybe I didn't get quite enough sleep, but I still would've gotten up if it hadn't been for the rain.

I was going to walk to metro in the rain to get to school in time for second period, but then I called Mom and asked her whether I should just stay home... and she said I could stay. I would have just gone if it hadn't been raining... and if she'd told me to go anyway, I would have. But she said I could stay home, so I went back to sleep until eleven.

Dad called and... didn't yell, but he was like, "Why did you oversleep?" and interrogating me in that way parents have... and then Mom talked to me when I got home from seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning with Yuka, Cris, and Danny and told me that Dad had said if I overslept and missed school again, I'd have to quit my job. Which immediately upset me because it had nothing to DO with my job. I had this talk with Mom and I was upset the whole time -- I hardly ever miss school, this is my first time oversleeping in months and months (since I can remember), you should see my perfect attendance awards, it isn't a big deal one time -- and... yeah. That kind of dampened my evening.

Then I got online to start this Coca Cola scholarship application, and I realize just how little I got to do in school. I have NO school-related extra-curriculars. No student government shit or anything like that. Not even IB because... well... shit fucks up. I'm leaving entire pages on the application blank because I didn't do anything. I didn't have time or transportation or... I wanna say it isn't fair, but I don't guess my parents could help it... sucks though. Sucks hard. I gave up for the time being.

But aside from today, life has been great. School is fun. It has its asinine moments, like insisting I'm in eleventh grade and refusing to give me a homecoming tee shirt, but classes are fun, classmates are particularly fun, and I'm having no problems with my work or workload. Making straight As as far as I know, and progress reports come out soon.

Work is... comme-ci comme-ca, to borrow French. I have too few hours, but the rest is nice, and we're getting an 80 cent an hour raise, so maybe the hours I have will be enough. Brandy can be the absolute worst to work with, but not all the time, and I don't have to work with her that often anyway, so it's okay. And my workmates are great.

I've become such a people person. I have a ton of fun with people. I think I've lost all my shyness, but then an extra layer -- one I wasn't even aware of -- drops away. Or maybe it's not shyness anymore, exactly. Maybe I'm just becoming less introverted and more extraverted, because you can be an introvert without being shy. Maybe I'm gaining confidence even more. I'm not entirely sure, but it's the best feeling.

There are still things I restrain myself from doing. Not sure why. Like when I get annoyed with Yuka and I don't just explain to her that I'm annoyed and this is why. Some things I'm just not sure how to handle -- like her smoking. She knows how I feel about it. I can't tell her to stop or whatever because you don't do that to people, it just makes them more stubborn. I want to force her to go smoke on her own or leave her behind when she stops to smoke, but that seems so rude, I guess too rude. I remember a week or two ago when she was talking about Danny and I wouldn't really respond to her, I just listened and she could tell I was... annoyed or not saying what I was thinking or whatever, and she didn't like it, she got annoyed right back. But I'd told her how I felt about Danny, what else was there to say? I didn't know how to explain it any better.

He was cool today, though. I mean, he's fine, mostly. There's just something about him I don't trust. I dunno why, because I never felt like that about anyone before. So I'm inclined to trust the feeling, since it's so unusual. But on the other hand, it could just be a big-sister-type complex. I dunno.

Yuka, Yuka. Sometimes I dunno what to do with her. I hear about things she did hanging out with other people without me later on, and I'm just like "What?!" But I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Like she got stoned while I was on vacation in August, and said she didn't like it... like she wouldn't do it again. But then a few days ago she said she did it again with some friends. And drinking. I have nothing against drinking, but getting drunk... and I dunno, I'd still rather it be done legally anyway, like when you're 21.

Alicia too. Sometimes I don't think I really know her anymore. She gets drunk and high now, it seems, and wants to go trick-or-treating stoned...

It seems like everyone does it now, like I'm the one who's weird for not liking this stuff and, yes, disapproving. It's hard not to wonder, is it so bad to get high just once in a blue moon? It's not something I'd do. But I'm not the sort to follow peer pressure anyway, so I still disapprove, yes. It just seems so stupid. Why would you want to lose control? If you get drunk, you're so vulnerable. You aren't yourself. And stoned too. Yuka's so paranoid, you'd think she'd have that sense. She's afraid someone'll attack her. What if when someone actually does, she's drunk or stoned, too out of it to really defend herself?

And the attitude with smoking. Like she could quit if she wanted with no problem. But she'll pick up a cigarette off the ground, no telling how it got there or what, and smoke it. That looks like addiction to me. I don't want to be addicted to something. And it's such an expensive habit. It smells disgusting, it's bad for your teeth, your breath, it could cause cancer, bronchitis, emphesyma, I've heard it's bad for your skin... where's the up side? It's supposed to be relaxing, but if you need cigarettes to relax, doesn't that sound like addiction?

I feel bad enough craving a fucking brownie when I've already eaten enough that day.

I hate that Egan smokes too. I hate that he smokes inside, haha. I hate this feeling that when I see him again, because he smokes inside now, he's going to smell like smoke... it's not the same when you smoke outside, the smell can fade and whatever body spray or deodorant you're wearing comes through. But if your whole apartment smells like smoke, all your clothes, ew, god, it won't go away, will it? And if I ever go to his apartment... fuck, man.

And it's more than the smell, of course. It's everything else. That "fuck it" attitude. Rather die than get throat cancer, a tracheotomy... but if you didn't smoke, you wouldn't have to worry about it... but you could die tomorrow, so... but what if you don't? Money, too, why waste it? I don't get it, and I guess I never will. Especially beyond addiction and peer pressure. Without those two, why start smoking? Because your parents do is a stupid reason, I think. Especially when you don't want to be like your parents. Not saying that's the case for Yuka and Egan; I don't know why they started smoking at all.

Still bugs the hell out of me.

But I moved back into the 'this sucks' territory. Happier thoughts:

God, Egan. I think I fell in love with him. I think it all the time, especially when it comes time to say goodbye online, it almost slips from my fingers... I love you. I'm still weird about it. He's in Seattle, for godsake. How can I love him anyway? Hormones have me flirting with guys, my god I want to kiss and hug and aahhh, but it's Egan in the end, all Egan. And I feel a change in him. I can feel now that he wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He doesn't want me to leave when I have to go to sleep or whatever. The way he talks is different. And god his compliments make me float. All because of who he is. Another guy might say the same thing, but with Egan, he's shown me his honesty and... sincerity... so there's a whole other level. I know he means it.

It wasn't like this before. When he left it was such a goodbye. It felt so permanent and complete. But then it wasn't... we started talking online... and even then, at first, it wasn't...

I don't think there's a way to explain it.

But I want everything for him. And I miss him. And there's so much I'd do for him.

I still feel this potential of fading. The time, the distance, long-distance just isn't meant to work. But it seems distant, like it could happen, but it probably won't. It's been three months and it's only gotten stronger. But three months out of twelve? That's only a quarter of the way. It doesn't look like he'll be coming back here to visit his family for holidays anytime soon. I wish, but... I hear his parents might fly to see him at Christmas or something? I'm not sure. I can hardly blame them, I'd want to see where he lives too.

I'm getting sleepy. I need to shower. I need to go to sleep by midnight so I can get up by eight and mail his package... maybe check out some scholarships and colleges and things.

His birthday's Monday. Nineteen. Happy birthday, Egan, love. ♥

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karriezai

March 2011

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