karriezai: ([asoiaf] dark wings dark words)
[personal profile] karriezai
...but my updates are.

After the last post I made, I did feel a ton better... but the following day, after I spent eight hours taking the Praxis II, I was supposed to go close at work at 5. Danny called me around 4 and sounded very down because he'd had to talk to Morgan on the phone when he called to get the 4 o'clock numbers. I went by to talk to him, and we had a rough conversation wherein he told me he didn't want me to go to work because he didn't want to be alone, and he was afraid he'd do something stupid like go see Morgan. Obviously the conversation was more involved and emotional than it sounds now, but it was also two weeks ago, so less present for me now. At any rate, I went into work bawling and looked at the schedule, but none of the people working the night shift could close for me. Sara felt bad for me and agreed to pull a double, open to close, so I could go home. Which I really appreciated, and I SO owe that girl.

Anyway, Danny and I went to the mall, and we went into Hot Topic talking about how his parents wanted to talk to him but we (mostly him, but me some too) didn't want them involved. He told me, "We're working through this. I mean, it doesn't have to be this hard. I could always take the easy way out and just go behind your back. It's not like Morgan would tell you." To which I spent two seconds trying to remain calm and tell him it wasn't funny before I burst into spontaneous sobbing. He told me it was supposed to be a joke (which still irritates me; jokes are funny, dude) and apologized for saying it. But it really stuck with me all night.

When we got home, I showered by myself and thought about it, and decided I had to tell Danny: "For the sake of my sanity, for the next few months I need for you to not contact Morgan, and if she calls you to get off the phone as quickly and politely as possible. Just for a couple months. When we're feeling better, we can reevaluate. But for the next couple months, if you contact her, I will consider it to be you breaking up with me." This really upset him, partially because I brought it back up when he was ready to ignore it and have a good night. But also, I guess, because of the finality of it. He removed her from his Xbox contacts and teared up; told me later, "It's like I'm deleting her from my life."

After that it got better over time. We had a good anniversary; the day of, we went to the Melting Pot and had a great dinner and an awesome time, and on Saturday we stayed at the Courtyard Marriot in DC and went to Fur nightclub.

We had a bit of conflict earlier this week over him being meaner and more violent than usual, and me trying to go for sex and him burying his face in the pillow away from me and hitting me in the side... then the next night sucking on my lip until it was actually painful, having a mini-fight over it, and then me letting him suck on my arm until it was painful because I didn't want to make him mad and I really wanted sex. Afterward I talked to him about how bad it felt to let him hurt me because I was afraid stopping him would make him mad--and that's not okay.

And Wednesday I went to talk to him at work about how mean he is. I told him if he spent as much time trying to make me feel good about myself as he does making me feel bad about myself, we'd be doing alright. I know his sense of humor is sarcastic and mean, and that's fine to a limit. But I need nice things too. He told me that he thinks nice things a lot--he just doesn't say them. And promised to make more of an effort to say them. In exchange (sort of) I promised to make more of an effort to look nice. I used to try more, but it was like... what's the point if he's not going to appreciate it? So we're both putting in more effort.

It's been going well so far. Even if it did mean spending a hell of a lot of money on myself. But I was out of most of my makeup, and I needed other things as well... so I bought... let's see. Not all at once, but in three goes, I bought two nice sweaters, a nice button-up top, two winter-weather headbands, a nice winter hat, a scarf, fingerless gloves, mascara, eyeliner, lip gloss, two sets of eye shadow, teeth whitener, eye drops for my contacts, and um... that's all I can think of right now, but it was $200+. Not to mention essentials I bought like shampoo and body wash and a new toothbrush and such. I've probably spent more than I should. I have about $200 in cash in my wallet, and a little less than $200 in the bank... I work tomorrow, and probably Monday night... I still need probably... at least another $150 to pay bills and not be completely broke afterward.

Erm, I gave up on NaNo. With the stress of conflict with Danny and school put together, it just wasn't doable this month. Or at least... I didn't have the energy. I have a lot of stuff due this week. In math, the second part of the portfolio. The science lesson apparently got moved back, so maybe not that. In classroom management, I have stuff due and overdue; of the three assignments, I can probably get two done without going back to my internship first. In reading, a book club reflection on a book I haven't read yet and won't get until later this week, so I'll be asking for an extension probably. In language arts, two case reports and my mini lesson report. Which I forgot to have my mentor fill out the rubric for. Damn. Guess that portion will be late.

Blah. Anyway. Life.

(no subject)

27/11/10 14:37 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kattius.livejournal.com
I'm glad that things are getting better, even if it has been hard on both of you. And that you're both putting the effort in to make it work.

Eep at the amount of schoolwork! I hope you manage to get all of that sorted soon!

(no subject)

28/11/10 02:10 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] yourcowboymouth.livejournal.com
sorry you are going through so many ups and downs with your dude. :\ it sucks - it's been similar for me. just remember no matter what, you deserve to be happy/to have steps being made in order to ensure your happiness. this has been a really awesome realization for me because life is so freaking short. good luck, girl.


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