meh.

12/11/10 19:26
karriezai: ([asoiaf] fear cuts)
[personal profile] karriezai
I don't really want to talk about it just yet.

But suffice to say, I'm feeling more normal, and even though our last conversation didn't go super well on a technical level, it still left me feeling almost inexplicably better about him really wanting me as opposed to logicking himself into it. Which was really the hardest part.

I'm not so scared anymore. This seems much more manageable now.


Text conversation with Danny, beginning with a picture I snapped on my phone of him commenting on Morgan's facebook status four hours earlier:

Me: A) You aren't even facebook friends, how did this happen?
B) I thought you were cutting ties? I wouldn't have noticed except I was looking at her facebook to see if she's doing okay.
C) Are you respecting her wishes? I thought she gave you an ultimatum.
D) Are you trying to get strangled?

Danny: I was just trying to let her know that I'm okay by making a bad joke. That's all.

Me: Okay. Just be careful. And you could give me a heads up you know. Telling me you're breaking contact and then posting is kinda silly baby.
In other words, please remember that I'm still fragile right now and that things like this are hurtful.

Danny: Sorry. I know.

So um. Seeing as the facebook post took place before the conversation we had this evening, I can't really be mad. And I'm not. We might talk a little more about it when he gets home because he's slipping back into habits of reaching out to her when it only hurts both of them, and that's not okay, especially not when he's doing it without thinking about my feelings.

I guess since we're on the subject I should post what happened in this evening's conversation. I'll try for CliffNotes.

I told him that it might be a good idea for me to spend a few days away. Not that I want to, just that the space might help him figure out his feelings, see who he misses more, etc. He said that's not what he wants and that he knows he wants me. He still spent a lot of time on logic instead of emotion though. I told him I need to be able to feel it.

We talked about the distance and the fact that he was, in essence, taking from me and giving to Morgan... a part of himself. And him pushing me away.

I don't remember how the conversation got a little more pleasant, but I started really feeling that he was being more genuine emotionally, which was nice. Then he thought it would be funny and make me relieved to hear that "9 times out of 10" when he pulled away from a kiss it was because he had a cigarette that day and didn't want me to know.

To which I said "Seriously?" and started crying. He was stunned because he thought it would be better, but it wasn't. I told him we had the conversation a long time ago about how cigarettes can't come between us. I told him that I don't want to break up with him over a couple of cigarettes a week but at the same time it can't be okay. Because if it's okay then in a few years when he goes through a crisis or whatever it won't be a far step to just start smoking again. And I can't handle that.

We talked about him taking me for granted and taking advantage of how good I am to him and all of that. We talked about how, if roles were reversed, he wouldn't tolerate even close to as much as I have, and how that's not fair. And we talked about how it is that he thinks it's okay to do these unfair things to me. I told him I'm scared he'll push and push at me by taking advantage or taking me for granted until I just can't take anymore.

Despite the way this sounds, it actually made me feel a lot better. It's still things to work out, but it somehow seems... more manageable. I started to actually feel that he wants me, really, not just logically knowing I'm the best choice. I started to feel normal again. And if we have that, we can work on the rest.

I am concerned about the smoking though. I can't say if you smoke again I'll break up with you. But... I can say... I won't deal with you smoking regularly, and weekly is still regularly. And of course I can't deal with it coming between us. If he'd rather let me feel unwanted than let me realize he had a cigarette then ... well that's not going to work for multiple reasons. I'm not going to be naive and imagine he'll never have a cigarette again. But I don't think it's unfair to ask that he not smoke regularly. That he try his damned best to stop altogether and not think it's okay to have one once in a while. That way on the rare occasion it may happen... maybe it's not so bad. I dunno.

The Morgan thing will still be touchy. It's emotional quicksand and hard to figure out. He tried to convince me it's just losing a best friend but I'm not even close to taking that crap without a grain of salt. For one thing, he told me it's like breaking up with a girlfriend after two years. For another, they acted like they were dating. The people they worked with said they were constantly flirting and several of them thought they were fucking on the side.

So no. It was more than a best friend. It's going to take some work to heal that one, especially if he keeps deciding not to talk to her and then breaking down and talking to her again anyway. And not telling me. Blah.

Lots of stuff.
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