karriezai: ([avatar] sweetheart/bitterheart)
[personal profile] karriezai
Morgan reactivated her Facebook. Talking to her makes me pretty deeply sad, but I think it'll pass. I suppose if we want to be real friends again we'll have to sit down and talk... but we'll see.

Fought with Danny last night. See, I understand that I have the higher sex drive, and it's not a huge deal. I'm okay with him not wanting to have sex because he's not horny or his stomach is hurting him. But I'm not okay with him turning me down (and rather bluntly at that) because he already masturbated that day. NOT OKAY. I've told him before: Masturbating is fine, as long as he'll still have sex with me after. I repeated it just three days ago the LAST time we had sex when he was reluctant because he'd already masturbated (but at least he went with it). I will not be replaced by his hand, fuck that.

But he didn't want to, and it was midnight anyway, so I basically said FUCK IT I'LL JUST GO TO BED THEN.

And he wasn't bothered by the fact that I was clearly upset. He left me alone to stew with my own thoughts and agitation, which is NEVER good. (Yes I am into caps today.) And my frustration over that turned to thoughts about how he doesn't give much care at all to my feelings... which turned to how very much care he gave to Morgan's feelings during this whole thing... which turned into bawling. I tried to push it away and go to sleep, but I just kept stewing and thinking and intermittently bawling.

Finally I typed in a text to Morgan (that I did not send and never intend to) along the lines of "You can have him. He cares more about your feelings anyway, and it's not like he wants me." And I took a screenshot of it and sent the pic to Danny with a text saying, "Would you like me to break up with you so you can be with Morgan without feeling guilty?"

Juvenile? Rash? Mean as hell? Yes. But I was upset and I fucking sat there crying for TWO HOURS while he stayed up contentedly playing video games and watching football extras, and it's not like I didn't have legitimate concerns.

Well he came to comfort me and assured me that it's my feelings he cares about, not Morgan, and he did the stuff he did to protect me, not her, and that we don't need her--we need to do what's best for each of us, and that's for us to be together and distance Morgan.

I brought up other concerns, like how he doesn't put in any effort to do the little physical things I like, like actually being gentle and playing with my hair and fuck-it-all I'd like to have a pleasant experience with receiving oral once in my life but it's pretty much a moot point since he's made it so clear how he won't like it so even if we did it how could I enjoy it?

And he brought up his concerns about how he feels we're drifting apart and we don't have common interests anymore because I don't ever play video games anymore. To which I responded with the fact that he's never put up with my interests (mainly writing) without making it completely obvious it's begrudging and he's bored as hell. And that I miss him listening to audiobooks because then at least we could talk about books sometimes even if my writing is practically off-limits. At least I genuinely liked video games and could get back into them at some point if my life stops squishing me to a pulp.

I dunno. I feel somewhat better. But also not. He said he's afraid he'll get bored (with us)--that he's not bored now, but that the thing he most hates is getting bored and he's afraid it might happen in the future. And it just doesn't seem very hopeful. I've tried--suggesting putt-putt when we're looking for something to do, for instance--and I know I'm not that into going out and doing certain things, but it's not like he's offering many helpful suggestions. I mean, I thought he'd enjoy the Renaissance Festival on Sunday, but apparently he only went to oblige me and it's really not his thing at all, and he didn't really like it. You would think a guy would like throwing ninja stars at targets and the like... but apparently not.

Anyway. Suffice to say. I did not sleep at all last night, and I was run down all day at my internship. My fifth graders were asking me what was wrong with my eyes and I had to explain I didn't get any sleep and my eyes were protesting, but a couple of the intuitive ones did not miss the fact that puffy eyes come from crying.

Fuck my life right now.

It'll get better. But I think... this might be the lowest I've been... maybe ever, and if not, certainly in a long while.
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March 2011

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