karriezai: ([asoiaf] armored courtesy)
[personal profile] karriezai
Recap of events leading up to awkwardness:

For those who don't know, Morgan is Danny and my friend. We met her through Danny's work when he was still commuting over to Virginia. She worked at the Starbucks there, and then he hired her when she applied to Gamestop. There was a fairly brief time period when I was jealous of Danny's relationship with her which started when our texting bill was outrageously high for the first time due to all the texts Danny had been sending to her, resulting in us having to get unlimited texting. (It was, seriously, retarded.) Anyway, this jealousy was due to some serious parallels between us: we had and have tons in common, and she reminded me of me back when Danny started dating me, right down to her working at Starbucks and him being her supervisor.

I got over this just fine in time because Danny and I have a trusting relationship and because he assured me it was more like a big brother relationship (which makes perfect sense seeing as he's eight years her elder, which is a lot when you're considering she was underage at the time). Some posts on the issue from back when it WAS an issue, in order chronologically: here, here, here, and here. They show a clear progression from mildly worried to almost irrationally angry to starting to get over it but still annoyed. (Also, I didn't link it, but I found the entry about his texting with her: he went over by 300 texts that month, more than double the texts our plan allotted at the time, and cost us $30.)

Anyway, pretty boring since then. We don't get to hang out with Morgan much when we're all so busy and she's in Virginia while we both live and work in Maryland now. So Saturday was her birthday, and I forgot to take off work so I could hang out when she came over that evening. I told them I'd try to get off as early as possible but I wasn't sure how plausible it would be, and told them to come visit me at work, so they did. And then they went home (to Danny's parents' house, since we were puppy sitting) and hung out and started drinking for the three-ish other hours I still ended up working, and then I came home and joined them, and we had a fun night other than Danny kidney-punching me and twisting my thumb in a more painful way than usual, which made me angry at him all night but I pushed it away to have fun for Morgan until we went to bed.

Keep in mind, this was two days later, so I didn't even begin to relate it to Morgan. I thought it might relate to what had happened to him earlier that day, when Bear head-butted him on his bike on his way down the motorcycle and he slid down the driveway trapped under the bike, thankfully being saved from serious injury by his padding and stuff. I thought maybe he wanted to show me the damage, but when I got there his bike wasn't there, he'd gone home to get his car at some point.

So he kind of hovered at first, I guess second-guessing what he wanted to tell me, and then he took me into the back office and very slowly and guiltily proceeded to tell me that while he and Morgan were drunk Saturday night, he told her that he originally hired her because he liked her/had a kind of crush on her. He said she said she wanted to work there for pretty much the same reason. He said he talked to her earlier that day (yesterday, not Saturday) and that it had really upset her, she'd been playing the "What if" game (What if Danny were my boyfriend instead of this crappy guy), and that she said when he told her all that stuff on Saturday, he looked like he wanted to kiss her, but didn't. He said she was really upset, like she couldn't get to sleep because when she closed her eyes she thought about it and cried.

Um, so, I took this all very well. For good reason: the fact that he felt the need to tell me and that nothing actually happened shows how much he cares, how honest a boyfriend he is, and proves how much I can trust him. It also kind of made sense, and kind of explains all the jealousy I felt at the beginning. (A part of me is like, "Well at least my jealousy was warranted.") And I guess... I know they really care about each other. I really care about both of them.

He said he didn't want to see her again for a while, that he told her they should take a break from their friendship. He said he doesn't like being around her, that he knows he wouldn't do anything, but that he doesn't like feeling that way. I told him she's a good friend and they shouldn't do that; that if they don't want to be alone together, that's understandable, but that we should all be friends and this shouldn't change that.

But of course I can't help thinking about it, and thinking about it makes it gnaw at me more, and... blah. It has started to bother me in certain ways. Like: He feels strongly enough about her that he doesn't want to be around her because it makes him feel too bad. He's a firm believer that men and women can't be friends, and I don't believe that. At least, it's not true for me personally. I dunno, it just seems like... maybe he cares about her so much and wonders what it would have been like if it had been them instead of us, and being around her makes him think and feel those things, and so it's too hard. Which is painful for me, not least because I've never felt that about some other guy. I do wonder what would happen if I met a guy who actually cares about my writing, but the only such guy I've met was John, and I felt no sort of attraction to him whatsoever--not even the small amounts I've felt for random other guys.

Also, I know Danny's penchant for partial truths, and I'm wondering how much he didn't tell me.

And I'm wondering if it's just caring, or if he wonders about kissing her or otherwise being intimate with her, or if he ever fantasizes about being with her instead of me (fantasizing as opposed to innocent wondering; to make a lame Twilight reference, wondering is what Bella did when she finally admitted she loved Jacob too, and that doesn't bother me).

And it bothers me some that he never told me until now, and back when I was jealous he brushed it off as brotherly affection or whatever, when clearly he knew at the time.

And that he hired her because he liked her in the first place.

And that he would get that drunk alone with her knowing the way he feels.

And that he says the only reason he feels bad now is because it seems to have hurt her so much. (Admittedly, this is after me assuring him that I'm fine, so I can kind of understand it--but me being "fine" is different from it being okay to not be bothered at all by the fact that he likes another girl enough for something like this to happen... but then again, maybe it does bother him and he just wants to downplay it. I'm sure he just wants it to be behind us, which is understandable.)

But. I appreciate his honesty. And I know we have something really special, and that we'll work this out.

But it does kind of hurt... that he cares so much about someone else... Of course it's possible to love far more than one person, but there are different types of love, and it's difficult to think about him loving someone else the way he does me. Especially since I don't love anyone else the way I love him. And maybe that'll change, but knowing myself... I seriously doubt that.

ETA: Talked to Danny. Feel all better. :D


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March 2011

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